PLEASE READ MY SHORT SCREENPLAY

finlayr · April 10, 2003, 08:59:29 PM

Hey everyone, I'm new here. You can call me the 'Irish guy' or Richard or Richie or whatever. Below is one of my shorts that I've written. It's getting made. Y'see I wanna be a filmmaker. But I did a year screenwriting course and this script was one of the 5 to get picked to be made. Since I didn't do the directing/producing course I don't get to direct it--someone else is. It starts shooting on April 28th to May 2nd and I'm pretty eager to find out what it's gonna look like. At least I can blame her (the director) if all goes bad. Which it proably will--because I don't think she knows what the f**k she's doin'. Anyway, if YOU could read the screenplay below (it's really short--10 pages or so) and give me some general feedback. I want feedback from people who LOVE cinema, not assholes. It's by no means the best I've written. I submitted 3 shorts that I wrote in like a month to the people on the course who decide--but this is the one that they chose--because it was the cheapest to shoot, NOT the best. But what do YOU think. Any good? Can you give me HONEST feedback. If you think it's sh*t, just say it--but please give REASONS...

Thanks!...

Here's the script...

MORBID

Screenplay By
Richard Ryan Finlay

Registered: WGAw

Shooting Script.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OVER BLACK:

"Then I saw that there was a way to hell,
even from the gates of heaven."

--John Bunyan, Pilgrim's Progress, 1678

FADE OUT.

INT. BEDROOM -- EARLY MORNING

A dark bedroom. A couple are asleep in bed. The man is JOE,
30's. His wife is MAUREEN. An alarm clock on the bedside
table blinks: 4:59. The ALARM goes off, now reading 5:00.

Joe's eyes open. He takes a moment to comprehend daylight,
turns off the BEEPING clock. He throws the bed covers off,
swings his legs around to sit at the side of the bed. YAWNS.

Maureen tosses and turns in the background. Joe looks over
his shoulder at her, rubbing his eyes.

Joe stands and leaves the bedroom, EXITING FRAME LEFT.
Maureen is asleep on the right-hand-side of the bed. The
left-hand-side of the bed is vacant. HOLD FOR A BEAT.

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM -- MORNING

The door opens, revealing Joe standing in the doorframe.

He's looking at his TWO CHILDREN asleep in their beds. It's
your typical children's bedroom. A place for everything and
everything in its place.

One half of the room is neat and pinkish; the other a mess.

ADAM, 12, hangs halfway out of the bed like a CORPSE.
DOROTHY, 8, is curled up into a ball, hugging her TEDDY BEAR.

Joe tip-toes into the room, goes to Adam's school bag. He
roots around inside it. His hand comes out grasping a pen.
He takes it and leaves, closing the door behind him.

PAN LEFT TO FRAME THE TWO CHILDREN FAST ASLEEP IN THEIR BEDS.
HOLD FOR A BEAT.

INT. BATHROOM -- EARLY MORNING

CLOSE ON TAP BEING TURNED. The RED plastic cap on the tap
indiciates it's a HOT shower.

Joe in the shower. Steam.

LOW BUT CLOSE ON BATHROOM MIRROR

Through the mirror we can see Joe in the shower behind US.
Eventually, the mirror is steamed up, clouding OUR VIEW.

SUBLIMINAL CUT:

A WHITE BALL ROLLS INTO A HOLE.

BACK TO MIRROR

Joe, now out of the shower, wipes the fog off the bathroom
mirror. He gawks at his reflection, searching his own facial
features with his eyes.

INT. BEDROOM -- EARLY MORNING

Joe stands in the darkened bedroom. He's getting dressed in
his nice black suit and tie.

Maureen is still asleep in the bed.

ANGLE UNDER BED -- Joe sits on the bed, putting on his shiny
black shoes.

SUBLIMINAL CUT:

A GLASS STANDS AGAINST A WHITE WALL. SOME BLOOD (RED)
DRIPS INTO THE GLASS.

INT. KITCHEN -- EARLY MORNING

OVER-HEAD VERTICAL ANGLE -- COFFEE BEING POURED INTO A MUG.

Joe sits at the kitchen table eating from a bowl of corn
flakes, drinking coffee and doing a magazine crossword with
Adam's pen. The RADIO is on. He looks at his watch.

It's 5:30.

He opens his black briefcase, puts the borrowed pen inside.

He stands, grabs his suit coat.

ECU ON TABLE -- Joe grabs his car keys.

EXT. JOE'S HOUSE -- EARLY MORNING

Still dark. Not a soul in sight. Joe gets into his car,
backs out of the driveway.

EXT. ROAD -- EARLY MORNING

No traffic. Joe's car sweeps by CAMERA.

INT. JOE'S CAR -- MOVING -- EARLY MORNING

Joe driving to work. He's listening to MUSIC. WE'RE IN THE
BACK SEAT.

THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD WE CAN SEE THAT A STATOIL GARAGE is up
ahead.

EXT. STATOIL -- EARLY MORNING

A car pulls into Statoil and stops beside a petrol pump.

A second later, Joe's car comes into the Statoil and stops
behind the other car.

Joe gets out of his car, walks around to get the pump and
begins filling the engine with petrol.

A YOUNG MAN gets out of the other car, does the same.

Both men stand by their pumps. (BEAUTIFUL WIDE SHOT)

The young man looks over at Joe.

Joe looks at him, nods and smiles.

The young man looks away.

Joe finishes with his pump and puts it back in its holder.

A second later the other man does the same.

Joe walks up to the hatch counting money from his wallet. WE
FOLLOW HIM.

The NIGHT SHIFT GUY sits behind a pane of glass.

The young man walks by Joe, gets to the hatch first, skipping
the 'queue'.

Joe stands behind him.

He notices a gold cross hanging around the young man's neck.

YOUNG MAN
(to the night shift guy)
20 Marlboro Lights and the petrol.

As the night shift guy gets the cigarettes, the young man
looks back at Joe. Then turns back to the hatch. He pays
cash through the silver tray and gets his cigarettes.

The young man turns to leave, shouldering Joe as he goes.

Joe drops his money, bends down to pick it up. Joe is
indifferent.

YOUNG MAN
What's your fuckin' problem?

Nothing from Joe. He looks at the young man.

YOUNG MAN
What the fuck are you looking at? You
deaf? I asked you a question.
(after no response)
Fuckin' faggot.

The young man walks away, gets back into his car. Joe shrugs
it off, turns back to face the panel of glass at the hatch.

Joe pays cash through the silver tray and the night shift guy
gets his change.

NIGHT-SHIFT GUY
(getting change)
You shouldn't take that kinda shit.

OVER JOE'S SHOULDER -- WE SEE the night shift guy get Joe's
change inside the store. FOCUS CHANGES and now...through the
reflection in the glass, WE SEE the young man's car leave in
the background.

JOE

looks like he's watching the night shift guy get his change,
but his eyes are really following the car as it leaves,
through the REFLECTION in the glass.

Joe gets his change.

JOE
Thank you.

Joe walks to his car and drives away.

INT. JOE'S CAR -- MOVING -- MORNING

Starting to get bright. MUSIC plays. Joe waits for an
answer on his mobile phone. WE'RE IN THE BACK SEAT AGAIN.

JOE
Dave, it's Joe. I havta take Adam to the
doctor.
He has some sorta throat infection and
he's as sick as a fuckin' dog. I
know...I know..
(small beat)
I'll just be an hour or two late. Yeah
yeah...second time in two weeks, I know.
Yeah...okay yeah...I know...I won't
forget it, Dave. Okay. Talk to ye
later.

EXT. DUBLIN MOUNTAINS -- MORNING

Joe's car pulls up at a secluded area. Trees everywhere.

INT. JOE'S CAR -- MORNING

NOW WE'RE IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. Joe turns the engine and
the radio off.

There's a nasty graze on his left cheek. He has his suit
coat off and his shirt is torn.

He sits there in silence, looking ahead at nothing in
particular.

Then he opens the glove compartment and takes out a pair of
black leather gloves.

He puts the gloves on, staring ahead into empty space.

ON THE DASH

sits Adam's pen, coated in blood.

EXT. DUBLIN MOUNTAINS -- JOE'S CAR -- MORNING

Joe gets out of the car, closes the door, takes a look
around.

Nobody. Nothing.

He goes to the trunk of the car, opens it. We HEAR dampened
moaning.

THE YOUNG MAN

is in the trunk. He's been badly beaten.

There's blood on his face, in his hair, on his clothes. He's
bound and gagged with silver electric tape covering his
mouth. His hands tied behind his back.

There's a puncture wound in his stomach.

The young man looks up at Joe with angry yet pleading eyes.
All WE HEAR are his MUFFLED CRIES.

Joe takes the gold cross from around the young man's neck,
pockets it.

Joe stands there for a moment, staring at the young man as he
MOANS and GOES NUTS in the trunk, kicking and writhing
around.

And then silence.

The young man's eyes are wide, showing tremendous fear...

...as Joe leans down and forward...his arms
outstretched...his gloved hands going for the young man's
throat...

Joe's eyes show a wild, glazed-over animal stare.

The young man GOES EVEN MORE NUTS...angry yet pleading again,
realising that Joe's gonna strangle him.

Joe's grip tightens around his throat. Squeezing harder and
harder.

Joe's face enjoying it...getting his revenge and on a severe,
sickening power-buzz.

The young man's eyes are almost bulging out of his face
now...his face blood red, sweaty and the veins bulging out of
his forehead and neck.

Joe's expression changes...back to the deadpan glazed-over
stare he had before and he let's go of the young man's
throat. His rage-face disappears. The power trip over.

The young man, because of the tape covering his mouth, has to
breath heavy and fast through his nostrils. Barely alive.

Joe leans down and forward again, starts to strangle him even
harder this time...with even more strength, cruelty,
ferociousness, brutality and wildness.

The young man's face nearly explodes.

Joe lets go and stands back, his hands shaking...takes a
moment, never taking his eyes off his prey.

Joe takes a large shovel from the trunk. It's covered in
hardened cement.

The young man freaks out, his body starting to spasm.

BLACKOUT!

EXT. DUBLIN MOUNTAINS -- AN HOUR LATER -- MORNING

Deep within the woods. Joe has finished burying the young
man's body. He throws the last of the gravel on top.

Using the top of the bloody shovel, Joe smooths out the soil,
making it flat and unnoticeable.

EXT. DUBLIN MOUNTAINS -- MORNING

Joe wanders out from the woods...adrift...walking back to his
car with the shovel in his hand.

He opens the trunk, wraps the head of the shovel in some
newspapers, careful not to get blood on the interior of his
car.

He closes the lid of the trunk and gets back into the car.

INT. JOE'S CAR -- MORNING

Joe sits in silence for a moment. He turns on the radio.
MUSIC.

He sees the blood coated pen on the dash. He wraps it in a
hanky and puts it in his breast pocket.

A beat.

Joe starts the ENGINE and drives away.

INT. JOE'S CAR -- MOVING -- A LITTLE LATER

Joe driving back home, his face deadpan.

INT. JOE'S HOUSE -- MORNING

The front door opens. Joe's home. He has the shovel in his
hand, wrapped in newspaper.

He stands at the foot of the stairs.

JOE
(calling out)
Anyone home?

No answer.

JOE
Hello?

Not a sound. Wife at work. Kids at school.

INT. JOE'S KITCHEN -- MORNING

Joe puts the shovel on the dinner table. He sits down,
lights a cigarette.

INT. JOE'S KITCHEN -- MINUTES LATER -- MORNING

Joe at the kitchen sink, hand washing the blood stains from
his white shirt. They're coming off.

EXT. JOE'S BACKYARD -- MINUTES LATER -- MORNING

Joe uses a hose to wash the blood from the shovel.

INT. JOE'S HOUSE -- UPSTAIRS -- MORNING

Joe, slightly disoriented, climbs the stairs slowly and
reaches the landing. He goes straight for the bathroom.

INT. JOE'S BATHROOM -- MINUTES LATER -- MORNING

CLOSE ON TAP BEING TURNED. The BLUE plastic cap on the tap
indiciates it's a COLD shower.

Joe in the shower again.

Through the glass partition WE SEE the blood drip from his
body.

SUBLIMINAL CUT:

A BALL ROLLS UP TO A HOLE BUT DOESN'T GO IN, MISSING BY
A BARE INCH. TEETERING AT THE EDGE.

INT. BATHROOM -- THAT MOMENT

LOW BUT CLOSE ON BATHROOM MIRROR

Through the mirror we can see Joe in the shower behind US.
HOLD. There's no steam this time.

INT. JOE'S BATHROOM -- MINUTES LATER -- MORNING

Joe, with a towel wrapped around his waist, stands before the
bathroom mirror...looking at the graze on his left cheek.

He opens the bathroom cabinet, takes out a tube of SAVALON
cream. He applies some to his wound.

Joe is standing at the mirror, applying the cream to his
face...

...AS WE SLOWLY CREEP AWAY, PULLING BACKWARDS...OUT OF THE
BATHROOM...DOWN THE HALLWAY, TURNING RIGHT INTO...

THE BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS ACTION

...THE CAMERA SLOWLY CREEPS UP to the bed where Joe's wife
Maureen is still sleeping peacefully.

INT. ATTIC -- MORNING

Pitch black. The attic door opens up and Joe's head pops up.

INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING -- THAT MOMENT

Joe is standing on a chair (or ladder), the top half of his
body in the attic. He pulls a string hanging from the
ceiling.

INT. ATTIC -- THAT MOMENT

The attic is suddenly illuminated by a single hanging light
bulb. Joe pulls himself up into the attic.

INT. THE BEDROOM -- THAT MOMENT

Maureen wakes up, hearing the NOISE outside the bedroom door.
She slowly sits up in the bed, frowning.

MAUREEN'S POV -- outside the door she can see the chair (or
ladder) that Joe used to get up to the attic.

Maureen sits in silence for a long beat...staring at the
chair...her eyes brimming with tears.

INT. ATTIC -- THAT MOMENT

There's photo albums, old toys etc. in cardboard boxes all
over the place.

Joe moves to the artificial Christmas tree and searches
around in the branches. He retrieves a hidden box.

INT. THE BEDROOM -- THAT MOMENT

Maureen swings her legs out of the bed, finds it hard to
stand up. She SIGHS heavily, becoming increasingly uneasy.
She walks out out of the bedroom onto the...

UPSTAIRS LANDING -- CONTINUOUS ACTION

She looks up at the open attic door...goes to the bathroom,
her knees trembling.

INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS ACTION

Maureen stands in front of the bathroom mirror, puts both of
her hands on the sink, holding in tears.

She looks at her reflection in the mirror. The chair (or
ladder) can be seen in the background THROUGH THE MIRROR.

INT. ATTIC -- THAT MOMENT

Joe opens the small box.

INSIDE THE BOX

are his 'trophy's', objects that he has kept...remnants of
his victims.

A comb. Glasses. An empty cigarette packet. He's been
doing this for some time.

Joe takes the YOUNG MAN'S gold cross from his pocket.

He looks at it.

He puts today's keepsake in the box with the others and
closes it.

In the background, Maureen pops her head up, looking into the
attic. She sees Joe but Joe doesn't see her.

Joe puts the box back in its hiding place, amongst the
branches of the Christmas tree. He turns around and sees...

MAUREEN

simply looking.

Joe is not surprised or agitated.

A moment as husband and wife stare at each other.

Joe hangs his head. His stiff demeanor is cracking.

SUBLIMINAL CUT:

THE GLASS OF BLOOD SPILLS ALL OVER THE WHITE SURROUNDING IT.

INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING -- THAT MOMENT

Maureen gets off the chair (down from the ladder) with her
face in her hand. She rushes to the bathroom, closes the
door. We HEAR the door lock on the other side.

JOE

comes down after her. He KNOCKS on the bathroom door.
Nothing. KNOCKS again. Nothing.

WE HEAR Maureen getting sick in the bathroom.

Joe stands there for a beat, leaves.

INT. JOE'S WORKPLACE -- HOURS LATER

Joe sits at his desk, typing away feverishly on his computer.
He seems indifferent, like the whole morning didn't happen.

MALE FRIEND walks up to him holding a mug of coffee.

MALE FRIEND
Right Joe, I'm headin off. See ye at 4.

JOE
At 4?

MALE FRIEND
Yeah, in the pub?

JOE
Oh yeah right. See ye then.

MALE FRIEND
Are ye alright?

JOE
I'm just...I'm just not meself today.

INT. JOE'S KITCHEN -- THAT MOMENT

MAUREEN stands looking out the window into the backyard at

DOROTHY AND ADAM playing.

MAUREEN looks awful. She crosses her arms, SIGHS.

DOROTHY AND ADAM argue over something.

MAUREEN sees this. She smiles through tears.

EXT. JOE'S BACKYARD -- THAT MOMENT

Dorothy and Adam still playing. In the background we can see
Maureen standing at the window inside the house...staring,
unnoticed by the children.

EXT. STREET -- THAT EVENING

Joe's car is parked across the street from a pub. (NOTE: if
it's raining--even better!!) WE CAN HEAR MUSIC AND PEOPLE
TALKING coming from inside the pub.

CLOSER -- Joe is sitting in the car, not moving...staring
straight ahead. His head turns and he looks in the direction
of the pub...then turns his head back around, and drives off.

INT. JOE'S KITCHEN -- EVENING

Adam and Dorothy set the table for dinner, laying down
plates, knives, forks and glasses. Maureen dishes the dinner
out.

Joe comes in the door from work/pub.

Maureen continues with what she's doing.

Joe looks at her. They don't make eye contact.

DOROTHY
Daddy, can I get a new wardrobe for my
birthday?

JOE
Well that depends, sweetheart.

DOROTHY
Why?

JOE
Not now, baby.

Joe, Dorothy and Adam sit down at the table. The TV is on in
the background, the SOUND low, but no one is paying
attention. The kids get stuck into their dinner.

Joe takes Adam's pen from his breast pocket (now clean of
blood) and returns it, placing it beside Adam's plate.

Nothing more. They eat their dinner. Maureen, still by the
cooker, notices the TV.

THE TV IN THE BACKGROUND, OVER JOE'S SHOULDER, SHOWS A
REPORTER TALKING INTO A MICROPHONE.
HE'S STANDING IN FRONT OF THE RECOGNIZABLE YOUNG MAN'S CAR,
ABANDONED ON THE SIDE OF A ROAD. BLUE & WHITE POLICE TAPE
SURROUNDS THE PERIMETER OF THE SCENE.

Maureen serenely turns the TV off with the remote control.

She puts potatoes on Joe's plate and then sits down to her
own dinner, opposite Joe.

A long silence. Maureen pours herself a drink. She salts
her dinner.

Joe picks up his fork, pierces a carrot.

Maureen returns the salt to the center of the table at the
same time as Joe reaches for it. He takes it.

They both raise their heads. Eye contact.

Another silence.

Maureen manages a smile. Joe, however, does not.

OVER-HEAD VERTICAL ANGLE ON DINNER TABLE. Joe's hands come
INTO FRAME LEFT and meets with Maureen's hands that come INTO
FRAME RIGHT.

They hold hands in the middle of the table.

HOLD ON THEIR HANDS FOR A LONG, LONG BEAT.

Both of their hands EXIT FRAME the same way they came in.

The children exchange a look, then continue with their
dinner.

Joe fills Adam's glass with milk.

JOE
So...how was school today?

EXT. JOE'S HOUSE -- DUSK

An ordinary family home. The kind of house you don't notice
when you walk by. Something really bad has happened there,
but what exactly -- of course, you'll never know.

All is quiet.

There is only the SOUND of the wind swelling in the trees.

CUT TO BLACK.

OmegaSlacker · April 10, 2003, 10:53:59 PM

Maybe I missed something, or maybe it's just me, but I don't get it. Why is the wife so upset the entire time and then at the end, it's like everything's perfect?

Ghostboy · April 10, 2003, 11:07:05 PM

Hey man, welcome to the board.

I think that's a pretty good script. Nice and horrific, in a very subtle way. I mean, it could be said that we've seen this sort of story before, but I think you told it very well and it could make an excellent short film. I can see why it was selected for production. I hope the director does a good job with it.

I know critiquing it won't have an influence on the final product, but here's what didn't work for me: the subliminal cuts of the glass. It wasn't really necessary, and it clues you in too early that something's going to happen that's not too pleasant. If you got rid of it, the scene where he opens the trunk in the woods would have a lot more impact.

Also, in that very last scene, the exterior of the house, I'd get rid of that first descriptive paragraph. It's a bit trite.

I love that one parenthetical (BEAUTIFUL WIDE SHOT). It made me think you're itching to direct something yourself...

Ghostboy · April 10, 2003, 11:09:18 PM

In response to what Omega Slacker said, I kinda liked the way the Maureen reacted. I don't think she thought everything was okay...it was a very unsettling reaction, actually. It reminded me very slightly of Diane Lane's reaction to a similar event in 'Unfaithful.' It's a lot better than if she just completely freaked out and called the cops.

OmegaSlacker · April 10, 2003, 11:17:20 PM

I wasn't knocking the ending by any means. I thought it was a very good read and I enjoyed it. I just didn't get it is what I'm saying. I read back over it and I thought maybe I was just missing something. Maybe when the author returns to the thread he can elaborate.

I enjoyed the script, I just didn't get the end. Maybe it'll come off more clear on screen. Was she giving in because she feared for her children's and her own life?

finlayr · April 11, 2003, 09:44:28 AM

Hey everyone--thanks for reading my script and saying what you said about it. It means a lot when someone you don't know has the interest to take 15 minutes and read your stuff.

I agree with the person who said that I should've held back on the glass subliminals until AFTER the trunk is opened up in the mountains. Thanks for that--AND I'LL TALK TO THE DIRECTOR ABOUT THAT!!

Em...and yeah, it makes sense...but the way people deal with things in REAL life...if this was really happening to Maureen she wouldn't talk about it. She loves her husband SOOO much and she's constantly thinking about her children. What would happen to them if they split up or...if she said something to Joe, her husband, would he react violently? She thinks she knows him...but CAN she know him if he does things like he does? Maybe she's just realising at the dinner table that she only knows one side of Joe. I didn't want to explain anything--I like leaving it up to the audience to guess and try and figure it out...sometimes I don't even know...if the character is a living and breathing PERSON, then that's enough for me...because I KNOW that the character knows what she's feeling...

It's good to be here with you people! Thanks a lot.

Ghostboy · April 11, 2003, 09:52:35 AM

Quote from: finlayrI like leaving it up to the audience to guess and try and figure it out...sometimes I don't even know...if the character is a living and breathing PERSON, then that's enough for me...because I KNOW that the character knows what she's feeling...

Well said, brother.

budgie · April 11, 2003, 12:25:01 PM

finlayr, this is terrific. I get a complete sense of the pace, atmosphere, depth. I'm completely with the amount of information you provide and love the economy of the dialogue. It's really great to see such a confident use of visuals. I could see every shot... I hope your director can too. If not she must really be clueless because it's so clear.

I only have one reservation, and it has to do with the subliminals. I like them being there but I'm not sure about the objects/images you chose, since they seem to be trying too hard. Especially the glass of blood. I'd like to see two images that were somehow more directly linked to the other images in the film, so that they create tension and suggest strangeness without the objects having to be strange themselves.

It's really strong, though, not least psychologically. Good luck.

Pastor Parsley · April 11, 2003, 01:24:56 PM

i really enjoyed your script, well done, i could see it clearly and wanted to keep reading.

i liked his wife's reactions...she knows what's going on but can't believe it's really going on, or doesn't wish to believe it. I mean what would you say...if you knew that the one you loved was doing this, it would be too surreal to accept. He is so good to his children, and the other scenes that make him out to be a nice/normal guy really make the audience feel like his wife probably does.

I liked the blood dripping in the glass, and the ball rolling scenes. I thought the cup spilling over could be left out ..... the shower scenes w/ the colored knobs said enough.

The last scene, the ext. of the house, I also think the description could go...instead make the shot look like your description. I'm not sure how...but maybe some children riding by on bicycles, or something, to show it as an everyday neighborhood house, and then have something dark but subtle about it. Something that wouldn't seem dark if you saw in a house in your neighborhood, but knowing what happenend, you would notice it.

very nice...I'd like to see the short once it's done.

finlayr · April 11, 2003, 01:46:44 PM

Hey man, thanks for the kind words. You're absolutely right about the fuckin' subliminals. They just became ONE OF THOSE THINGS. What you suggested is actually how they were in the first draft! Y'see this movie could very well be called CHANGE. It's all about changes...hot STRAIGHT to cold. Happy family, sad family. Alive, dead. Red, blue. It goes on and on. Y'see the 1st half of the movie is the HOT section, the second half (after the killing) is the COLD section. They way the subliminals were in PREVIOUS DRAFTS revealed something about his life with his family...his friends...something more that what we learn about this man in the 10 mins that we're with him. This is the way my subliminals were before: They're all without sound by the way, they KEEP THE SOUND OF THE PREVIOUS SCENES (like the sound of the shower for example). (1) Joe on a golf course with a male friend. Joe takes a shot and the ball rolls INTO THE HOLE. (2) Joe in the pub with friends, laughing and talking (yet we can only hear the sound of the shower in real time). One of Joe's friends hands him a pint of beer. (3) Joe and his family on a football field. Maureen and Dorothy (the daughter) just watch. Adam, the son, takes a shot on Joe (who's standing in goal) and Joe pretends to try and save the ball but doesn't...he lets the ball in. Adam is HAPPY. Then...later on...in the cold section of the film... (1) the ball DOESN'T GO INTO THE HOLE. (2) Joe knocks his pint over. and (3) Joe saves the ball. Adam is UNHAPPY. And that's how it was. Y'know, it just made sense to ME. Fuck anybody else--if they don't get it, well, then...go look at paintings or something...take an interest in sculpting.. It's certainly cheaper to shoot it the way it is now..and that's the only reason it is the way it is now. Thanks for reading anyway, have a magical New Years and Merry Christmas..