Post your thoughts about my SHORT SCRIPT right here...PLEASE

[Thecowgoooesmooo]

Opinions, Suggestions Welcome. Sorry if the format is slightly fucked up, it messed up when I pasted it back in here.
thanks

Chris





EXT. LOFT COMPLEX PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Rain beats down hard upon a CAR as it slides into a space in a filled parking lot. The door to the car opens and DANNY, white, mid-twenties, gets out.  He is quickly soaked with rain as he makes his way to the loft apartment entrance. He pauses, looking at the keypad lock, then pulls out a CELL PHONE, quickly dialing a number.

               DANNY
         Jack there?

A MALE VOICE is HEARD on the other end of the phone. This is JACK.

               JACK
Hey, hey, you’re late! I told you 8, and you show up at…

               DANNY
Jack. Jack. Traffic was terrible, man. Pile up on 85. Backed up for miles. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

               JACK
         It’s  28-28-32.

               DANNY
         Number 602?

               JACK
Right-o. Mister will be at the front to collect your metals.

INT. LOBBY– NIGHT

Danny makes his way down a corridor to an ELEVATOR, hits a button on the wall next to it, and waits.

INT. ELEVATOR – NIGHT

Danny hits the button for the SIXTH FLOOR.

INT. HALL – NIGHT

Danny goes left out of the elevator and at the end of the hall stands MISTER, a large black man wearing a BLACK SUIT and PURPLE TIE. In his hands he holds an open TUPPERWARE CONTAINER. Danny makes his way down the hall and stops in front of Mister, who is smiling.

               MISTER
         How’d the last job go?
               
DANNY
Unloaded it all for your man with no problems.

               MISTER
         Good. Good.

Danny removes a GUN from his waist and places it in one of the Tupperware containers. Then his KEYS.

               MISTER (cont’d)
         Anything else?

               DANNY
         That’s it Big Man.

Danny smiles and spreads his arms and legs for inspection. Mister just laughs.

               MISTER
         Aight, I believe ya.

Mister opens the door, allowing Danny to enter.

INT. LOFT APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS

Danny walks through a short hallway before entering a large industrial loft apartment. Mister walks to the bar and places the Tupperware container on the counter. A twitchy, mid-thirties WHITE MAN, JACK is sitting at table in the middle of the room (should be doing something. i.e. playing with cards, counting money, whatever). He is wearing a dirty, white T-shirt, tacky gold watch, and checkered pants. Jack sees Danny enter and grins.

               JACK
         Thank you.

               DANNY
         For what?

               JACK
         Showing up.

               DANNY
As always Jack. Got a new job for me?

               JACK
Take a seat right there and we will discuss.

Danny sits at the table across from Jack.

               JACK (cont’d)
         Would you like a drink?

               DANNY
         Nah...that’s ok.

               JACK
         Yes you do.

               DANNY
         No, Jack.

               JACK
         You sure?

               DANNY
         Yeah, I’m sure.

               JACK
I knew you would change your fucking mind. Mister, get the man a drink.

               MISTER
         Yes sir.

Mister gets a beer from the refrigerator behind the bar. He opens it and places in down in front of Danny.

               JACK
         You seen that new toaster?

               DANNY
         What?

               JACK
You know the one, fuckin, always on infomercials and shit?

Danny obviously has no idea.

DANNY
         Uh, yeah.

               JACK
Get this shit man. That new toaster I bought over there...

Jack points at a BRAND NEW TOASTER sitting on the counter next to the Tupperware container.

               JACK (cont’d)
It’s a fuckin cordless toaster man. I shit you not. Plus a digital timer!

               DANNY
            (sarcastically)   
         I’ll be damned.

               JACK
Yep, a cordless toaster! I saw it for $89.99 and I knew I couldn’t pass that deal up. You can check it out if you don’t believe me.

               DANNY
Hey Jack, what do we need to discuss?

               JACK
Danny, I’ve been good to you, have I not?

               DANNY
         Yes you have.

               JACK
I’ve paid you well for your jobs, have I not?

               DANNY
         Yes, Jack.

               JACK
Ok Danny, now that we’ve cleared that up. I’ve got a question for you.

Danny clears his throat, he is obvisouly uncomfortable.

               JACK (cont’d)
You thought you could get away, didn’t ya? You thought I wouldn’t notice? What the fuck man? You have the nerve to fucking cross me?

               DANNY
         What are you talking about, Jack?

               JACK
You know exactly what I’m fucking talking about.

               DANNY
I really don’t, Jack. Don’t tell me that I know, when I really don’t know. Don’t tell me something that I did, when I didn’t so shit, Jack!

               JACK
You moved 25 pounds from Point A, to Point B. Somehow 3 pounds never made it to Point B. Now this is a fucking problem. Ok, big deal. This shit happends. Once. But, Danny, I’ve been watching. O and I have been. The last three jobs you pulled, I came up short a few pounds. Now this is a fucking problem! I know you did it. You want to know how? Because I got a snitch that decided to let me in on a secret. Yep, he let me in on everything that you were doing wrong you fuck!

               DANNY
Jack, what fucking snitch? How could there be one if I never did it? Shit! Jack, listen, he’s lying to you.

               JACK
Lying? I would fucking know if he was lying. But, your problem is, he ain’t lying.

Jack begins to twitch every few seconds from rage.

               DANNY
Who’s feeding you this bullshit? Was it the neew guy, Jack? Is he the one? Was it that nigger from Tennessee?

Mister checks his watch.

               MISTER
Sir, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but it’s that time. Your medicine is on the bathroom counter.

Jack’s attention is taken completely from Danny as he checks his watch, and sighs.

               JACK
         So it is. So it is.

He calmly looks back at Danny.

               JACK (cont’d)
I’m sorry, Danny, but you’ve caught me at a very bad time. My self-therapy has always, and will always, start at 10. Please excuse me for a few moments.

Jack rises from the table, turning toward Mister.

               JACK
If he decided he wants to leave, put a bullet through his face. Understood?

               MISTER
         Yes, sir.

Jack goes into the bathroom. Mister pulls a handgun from his waist.

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

The bathroom is a complete mess. Medicine bottles, dirty towels, and magazines lay strewn everywhere. Jack stands at the sink, splashing water on his face, staring into a broken mirror. Jack goes to a boom-box sitting on top of the toilet and puts in a cd. He presses a button and “Mozart comforts” starts playing. Jack smiles, relaxes, and starts moving with the music.

INT. LOFT APARTMENT – NIGHT

Danny remains at the table, Mister standing guard over him, as music begins playing from the bathroom. Danny sits upright in his chair, confused.

               DANNY
         What is happening is their, Mister?

When no response comes, Danny turns around. Mister stands in the same place, pointing his gun at Danny.

               MISTER
         Turn around.

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

Jack stares demonically into the mirror while he begins to spread white powder across his face. The make-up becomes more elaborate as he adds dark lining to his eyes, moving with the music.

INT. LOFT APARTMENT – NIGHT

               DANNY
Come on, man. What the fuck is going on?

               MISTER
These are the few hours he’s at his best.

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

Jack is breathing heavily as his applies the last of the make-up, satin black lipstick. A truly terrifying face stares back at him in the mirror. Jack grabs a HYPODERMIC NEEDLE, tilts his head back, and pushes the needle into an artery.

INT. LOFT APARTMENT – NIGHT

The bathroom door crashes open, startling Danny and making him jump.

               JACK
         Speak of the devil.

               DANNY
         Jack?

               JACK
         No. Jack. Here.

               DANNY
Jack, there is something wrong with you, man.

Jack lunges across the room and wraps a WIRE around Danny’s throat. Mister forces Danny back into his chair. As Jack tightens the wire, choking Danny harshly, he lowers his lips to Danny’s ear. When he speaks, he is mock-crying.

               JACK
         Danny...Danny...

Danny begins to turn purple, quickly. Short gasps escape Danny.

               JACK (cont’d)
Death is life’s way of telling you, (beat) you’re fired.

[ReelHotGames]

Okay --- Not bad. On that note I have to ask do you want real crtiques or do you want to hear how great a writer you are and how this is the best short script I've ever read?

[Thecowgoooesmooo]

Lol. I never asked anyone to tell me how great a writer I am, nor do I think this is the best short script ever written...

I posted it here, so I could hear opinions and suggestions from the reader.... Critique it if u like, I sure as hell don't mind.



chris

[Derek]

Kept you interested. The only thing, not really a complaint, is that the character of Jack reminded me a lot of Gary Oldman's character from LEON. With the Mozart, and beating around the bush with irrelevant chatter right before he's going to kill the man who's been stealing the drugs he's been holding for him.

[Thecowgoooesmooo]

U know, I do see the similiarities. That was not intentional. Anyone else?


chris

[Ghostboy]

I agree, its very reminiscent of Oldman's character. Even some of the dialogue is really close to some of the stuff he tells Danny Aiello in Leon.

It reads well, and aside from the deja vu (unintentional or no), the dialogue is great. But it doesn't really go anywhere...it feels like it just stops. Maybe you should take it a little bit further...I don't know, have Danny end up being harder to kill than Jack initially expects.

And I hate having to get into racial profiling, but some people might take offense to Mister seeming to be nothing more than an indentured servant.  Is he a bodyguard or a cohort? You might want to make that a little clearer. The way he just says 'Yes sir' seems a little subservient. But I might be making more of an issue out of that then necessary.

[Thecowgoooesmooo]

And I hate having to get into racial profiling, but some people might take offense to Mister seeming to be nothing more than an indentured servant. Is he a bodyguard or a cohort? You might want to make that a little clearer. The way he just says 'Yes sir' seems a little subservient. But I might be making more of an issue out of that then necessary.

He's a mixture of a bodyguard and his bitch. I try to portray him as an employee of Jack, who greatly respects this disheveled looking man.


chris

[ReelHotGames]

Okay, sorry it took me so long to get back here.

This is what I think. The dialogue is the weakest link, it's the toughest part of any script and when it clunks it clunks. I think you need to pare it down, simplify it.

Make this a very visual piece, use the musicv, let looks speak volumes.

It plays out in the first few seconds in my opinion, we know the ending right off the bat, what we shoudl wonder is who will die in the end, does Danny get nervous right off, make him look guilty of something, but in reality he knows Jack is the one cutting the product and trying to lay the blame elsewhere.

Maybe Danny is sent to take care of Jack, or that's what Jack thinks - make it tense the whole way. I want to feel that at any moment the itchy trigger fingers are going to go down.

I also think this would play out better if the characters were all REALLY low life, low rent, under belly types, no glitzy duds, not glam pad, no thuggish homeboy who plays out like Michael Clarke Duncan's Kingpin.

Make him a wanna be heavy, jersey shirt and dew rag, Jack is hopped up, and looks like shit, eyes red and wiped. And the minute Danny comes in he knows everything is fucked up, his only mission is to get out the door alive, and Jack's only mission is to prevent Danny from putting two and two together.

Jack is skimming, his higher ups are going to put his brains on the pavement unless he delivers a body, so Danny is the sacrifice, play it tense. Play it desperate.

Those are my thoughts. Danny walks in, and immediatley needs to get out that door, fidget, nerves, tension. Play it up. I would love to see that, and read a new draft, drop the wanna be witty banter, drop the innocuos exposition, make it tight and real.

The question you have to ask about it is "does it play". If it does, your good, and if it doesn't, take it out, kill your babies, whatever you love most - the part where the dog dies, whatever your favorite moment is, drop it, your script will be better for it. (I know a dog doesn't die, it was just a phrase)

Hope this helps at all.

[Ghostboy]

Uh oh...there's a scene where a dog dies in the script I'm writing right now.  Now that I think about it, it might not be necessary....DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU and your good advice!!!

[ReelHotGames]

Uh oh...there's a scene where a dog dies in the script I'm writing right now.  Now that I think about it, it might not be necessary....DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU and your good advice!!!

Oooppppsss.... GB I was loosely quaoting William Goldman there from Which Lie Did I tell: further adventures in the screen trade.

After reading it I realized how protective I had been of my scripts, even to those people whose opinions I really wanted and valued. I would defend scenes that really did nothign for the story just because I liked them a lot. After reading it - it opened my eyes to realize that I was attached emotionally to each of my "babies" and I needed some good sense knocked into me and the wind knocked out of me every once in a while, I have become a better writer for it, and a better judge of writing from it.

If the dog must die,it must die, if it helps the story, otherwise ...

[EL__SCORCHO]

The question you have to ask about it is "does it play". If it does, your good, and if it doesn't, take it out, kill your babies,
Hope this helps at all.

michael, where did you learn the phrase "kill your babies?"

[ReelHotGames]

I believe it comes from William Goldman, although it may be "kill your darlings" to be more ploitcally correct, I am not exactly sure.

I would never advocate baby killing, unless the baby would turn out to be the next Hitler, or Carrot Top...

But it's true, read your scripts, whatever you LOVE the most about it is probably unnecessary and while it may be brilliant writing, it probably does little to drive the script, it sounds strange, but I pour through my own work, and I admit, I'm the most brilliant writer I know (the pool has grown to 2, but my cat can only write three words and they are all a varioation of "to". So what do I know?) - and when I read what I write and I take the BIG RED PEN to it, my favorite scenes, the smartest, wittiest, most poignant, clever moments are always big X's by the end of it because they rarely are vital to the story and become an ultimate disservice.

Anyway, that's the short answer, my cat hacked up the long one and I've sent it to the lab for analysis, it should come back tomorrow and we'll have a more difinitve answer.  

[Cecil]

michael, where did you learn the phrase "kill your babies?"

I believe it comes from William Goldman, although it may be "kill your darlings" to be more ploitcally correct, I am not exactly sure.

actually i think bergman was the first to say that. or at least it was something close to that.

[cine]

actually i think bergman was the first to say that. or at least it was something close to that.

Indeed, Mr. DeMille, it was close to Bergman, as he once said himself that he thought it was William Faulkner who coined the expression. And that he did.

[Thecowgoooesmooo]

Here is my new script. I've changed some of the characters appearances and I have added a entirely new ending. Critique! thanks









EXT. LOFT COMPLEX PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Rain beats down hard upon a CAR as it slides into a space in a filled parking lot. The door to the car opens and DANNY, white, mid-twenties, gets out. Danny looks like a thin, pale, heroine addict. He is quickly soaked with rain as he makes his way to the loft apartment entrance. He pauses, looking at the keypad lock, then pulls out a CELL PHONE, quickly dialing a number.

               DANNY
         Jack there?

A MALE VOICE is HEARD on the other end of the phone. This is JACK.

               JACK
Hey, hey, you’re late! I told you 8, and you show up at…

               DANNY
Jack. Jack. Traffic was terrible, man. Pile up on 85. Backed up for miles. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

               JACK
         It’s  28-28-32.

               DANNY
         Number 602?

               JACK
Right-o. Mister will be at the front to collect your metals.

INT. LOBBY– NIGHT

Danny makes his way down a corridor to an ELEVATOR, hits a button on the wall next to it, and waits.

INT. ELEVATOR – NIGHT

Danny hits the button for the SIXTH FLOOR.

INT. HALL – NIGHT

Danny goes left out of the elevator and at the end of the hall stands MISTER, a skinny black man wearing a BLACK SUIT and PURPLE TIE. In his hands he holds an open TUPPERWARE CONTAINER. Danny makes his way down the hall and stops in front of Mister, who is smiling.

               MISTER
         How’d the last job go?
               
DANNY
Unloaded it all for your man with no problems.

               MISTER
         Good. Good.

Danny removes a GUN from his waist and places it in one of the Tupperware containers. Then his KEYS.

               MISTER (cont’d)
         Anything else?

               DANNY
         That’s it Big Man.

Danny smiles and spreads his arms and legs for inspection. Mister just laughs.

               MISTER
         Aight, I believe ya.

Mister opens the door, allowing Danny to enter.

INT. LOFT APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS

Danny walks through a short hallway before entering a large industrial loft apartment. Mister walks to the bar and places the Tupperware container on the counter. A twitchy, mid-thirties WHITE MAN, JACK is sitting at table in the middle of the room (should be doing something. i.e. playing with cards, counting money, whatever). Jack is a disgusting slob. He wears a stained restaurant T-shirt and green swim trunks. Jack sees Danny enter and grins. Jack takes a hit from the bong sitting in front of him.

               JACK
         Thank you.

               DANNY
         For what?

               JACK
         Showing up.

               DANNY
As always Jack. Got a new job for me?

               JACK
Take a seat right there and we will discuss.

Danny sits at the table across from Jack.

               JACK (cont’d)
         Would you like a drink?

               DANNY
         Nah...that’s ok.

               JACK
         Yes you do.

               DANNY
         No, Jack.

               JACK
         You sure?

               DANNY
         Yeah, I’m sure.

               JACK
I knew you would change your fucking mind. Mister, get the man a drink.

               MISTER
         Yes sir.

Mister gets a beer from the refrigerator behind the bar. He opens it and places in down in front of Danny.

               JACK
         You seen that new toaster?

               DANNY
         What?

               JACK
You know the one, fuckin, always on infomercials and shit?

Danny obviously has no idea.

DANNY
         Uh, yeah.

               JACK
Get this shit man. That new toaster I bought over there...

Jack points at a BRAND NEW TOASTER sitting on the counter next to the Tupperware container.

               JACK (cont’d)
It’s a fuckin cordless toaster man. I shit you not. Plus a digital timer!

               DANNY
            (sarcastically)   
         I’ll be damned.

               JACK
Yep, a cordless toaster! I saw it for $89.99 and I knew I couldn’t pass that deal up. You can check it out if you don’t believe me.

               DANNY
Hey Jack, what do we need to discuss?

               JACK
Danny, I’ve been good to you, have I not?

               DANNY
         Yes you have.

               JACK
I’ve paid you well for your jobs, have I not?

               DANNY
         Yes, Jack.

               JACK
Ok Danny, now that we’ve cleared that up. I’ve got a question for you.

Danny clears his throat, he is obvisouly uncomfortable.

               JACK (cont’d)
You thought you could get away, didn’t ya? You thought I wouldn’t notice? What the fuck man? You have the nerve to fucking cross me?

               DANNY
         What are you talking about, Jack?

               JACK
You know exactly what I’m fucking talking about.

               DANNY
I really don’t, Jack. Don’t tell me that I know, when I really don’t know. Don’t tell me something that I did, when I didn’t so shit, Jack!

               JACK
You moved 25 pounds from Point A, to Point B. Somehow 3 pounds never made it to Point B. Now this is a fucking problem. Ok, big deal. This shit happends. Once. But, Danny, I’ve been watching. O and I have been. The last three jobs you pulled, I came up short a few pounds. Now this is a fucking problem! I know you did it. You want to know how? Because I got a snitch that decided to let me in on a secret. Yep, he let me in on everything that you were doing wrong you fuck!

               DANNY
Jack, what fucking snitch? How could there be one if I never did it? Shit! Jack, listen, he’s lying to you.

               JACK
Lying? I would fucking know if he was lying. But, your problem is, he ain’t lying.

Jack begins to twitch every few seconds from rage.

               DANNY
Who’s feeding you this bullshit? Was it the new guy, Jack? Is he the one? Was it that nigger from Tennessee?

Mister checks his watch.

               MISTER
Sir, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but it’s that time. Your medicine is on the bathroom counter.

Jack’s attention is taken completely from Danny as he checks his watch, and sighs.

               JACK
         So it is. So it is.

He calmly looks back at Danny.

               JACK (cont’d)
I’m sorry, Danny, but you’ve caught me at a very bad time. My self-therapy has always, and will always, start at 10. Please excuse me for a few moments.

Jack rises from the table, turning toward Mister.

               JACK
If he decided he wants to leave, put a bullet through his face. Understood?

               MISTER
         Yes, sir.

Jack goes into the bathroom. Mister pulls a handgun from his waist.

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

The bathroom is a complete mess. Medicine bottles, dirty towels, and magazines lay strewn everywhere. Jack stands at the sink, splashing water on his face, staring into a broken mirror. Jack goes to a boom-box sitting on top of the toilet and puts in a cd. He presses a button and “Mozart comforts” starts playing. Jack smiles, relaxes, and starts moving with the music.

INT. LOFT APARTMENT – NIGHT

Danny remains at the table, Mister standing guard over him, as music begins playing from the bathroom. Danny sits upright in his chair, confused.

               DANNY
         What is happening is their, Mister?

When no response comes, Danny turns around. Mister stands in the same place, pointing his gun at Danny.

               MISTER
         Turn around.

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

Jack stares demonically into the mirror while he begins to spread white powder across his face. The make-up becomes more elaborate as he adds dark lining to his eyes, moving with the music.

INT. LOFT APARTMENT – NIGHT

               DANNY
Come on, man. What the fuck is going on?

               MISTER
These are the few hours he’s at his best.

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

Jack is breathing heavily as his applies the last of the make-up, satin black lipstick. A truly terrifying face stares back at him in the mirror. Jack grabs a HYPODERMIC NEEDLE, tilts his head back, and pushes the needle into an artery.

INT. LOFT APARTMENT – NIGHT

The bathroom door crashes open, startling Danny and making him jump.

               JACK
         Speak of the devil.

               DANNY
         Jack?

               JACK
         No. Jack. Here.

               DANNY
Jack, there is something wrong with you, man.

Jack lunges across the room and wraps a WIRE around Danny’s throat. Mister forces Danny back into his chair. As Jack tightens the wire, choking Danny harshly, he lowers his lips to Danny’s ear. When he speaks, he is mock-crying.

               JACK
         Danny...Danny...

Danny begins to turn purple, quickly. Short gasps escape Danny.

               JACK (cont’d)
Death is life’s way of telling you, (beat) you’re fired.

A sudden knock on the apartment door freezes everyone. All eyes are turned towards the direction of the door. It’s followed by three harder knocks.

RON
Open the door Jack! It’s Ron.

Mister turns his attention to Jack’s hideous face. Jack nods. Mister opens the door slightly. We see two men standing in the hallway. Ron wears thick prescription glasses and a pair of black jeans. Ron looks to be in his early 40’s. He also wears a checkered polo shirt. Ron’s disheveled partner wears a sporty zip up outfit with an old school baseball hat. Ron’s partner looks messy despite the slick attire he wears.

MISTER
Hello sir.

RON
Hey.

Mister is loosing his nerves. There is an awkward silence.

        RON (cont’d)
You going to let us in?

MISTER
Yes of coarse.

Mister still has not moved. He swallows.

       MISTER (cont’d)
Sir. I’m not sure what to do.

RON
Do what?

MISTER
About the room.

RON
What’s the problem.

MISTER
It’s not big.

RON
Okay. But what’s the problem.

MISTER
Sir. I don’t mean to be out of line here. But can you promise me something?

RON
Let me in the room.

MISTER
Sir it’s about Jack, and I don’t want this...

RON
Nigger please.

We see Ron’s face is tensing up.

        RON (cont’d)
Let me in. Move.

Mister is pushed aside as Ron and his partner enter the room. We see Jack and Danny both on the floor. Jack has pinned down Danny. Mister slowly steps towards the kitchen counter near the Tupperware container. We see Danny’s gun inside it.

RON
Jack you didn’t tell me about this.

Tears well in Jack’s eyes.

        RON (cont’d)
I didn’t know you joined the circus.

Ron’s face shows a disturbed amusement. His partner glares down at Jack from behind.

        RON (cont’d)
You fucking clown. Jack. Unacceptable. You make me look bad when you do this shit.

Jack begins to cry hysterically.

       RON (cont’d)
I gave you a warning before. You know what. People talk. And I hear this sick shit. And you know what Jack? It embarrasses me. Real bad.  

Ron’s anger is at a boiling point.

       RON (cont’d)
You force me to...

Ron raises his 45 sending two quick bullets through Jack’s chest. Danny screams as Jack slumps over Danny’s body. We see a sudden quick breath come from Ron’s partner as the partner draws a gun from his waist. Jack is shot in the head once from behind. He drops to the floor.

MISTER
Jesus chri...

PARTNER
Listen up. Your under new management.

The man points the gun at Mister.

        PARTNER (cont’d)
You now take Jack’s place. I’ll give you a call in the next week to assign some new jobs for your guys.

The man motions at Danny.

        PARTNER (cont’d)
Clean up this mess.

Danny whimpers from below Jack’s body. We see silent tears run down his face. Mister stands upright like a statue.

INT. HALL – NIGHT

The new man in charge walks briskly down the hall. His eyes point straight ahead. We see a few people standing between their doorways who had heard the loud commotion.  

INT. LOFT APARTMENT – NIGHT

Danny sits in a pool of blood with his arms wrapped around his legs. Tears cover his face. His eyes are red. Mister leans against the counter.

MISTER
If you asked me what just happened...

Danny raises his eyes to meet Mister’s.

DANNY
I wouldn’t know the plot.