Revised Untitled Project

[Recce]

Heres a revised draft of a script I've been working on for a while. I'd appreciate some honest, no-sugar coated feedback. There are some major parts I don't like, but they allow for some other stuff I do like, so I haven't changed them.


Untitled Project
By David Di Francesco

INT. CAR, NIGHT
From the backseat of a car, we see Tom at the wheel driving up to his apartment. From a CD, a song plays.

INT. TOM'S APARTMENT, NIGHT
A man sits waiting in near complete darkness. It is difficult to make out his face. He sits, almost eerily calm, puffing away at a cigarette. From outside, we can hear the music coming from Tom's car, muffled accordingly.

EXT. CAR, NIGHT
Tom pulls up to a spot and parallel parks his car. He shuts it down, cutting off the music.

INT. TOM'S APARTMENT, NIGHT
The man knocks off a bit of ash from his cigarette in a plate used as an ashtray. As he sits, opening credits fade in and out. Once all credits are exhausted, a sound from outside the apartment suddenly catches his attention. He looks up at the front door. Tom, unlocks his front door and steps into his darkened apartment. He places his keys on a small hook by the door and steps into the living room. He reaches for a light switch on the wall. He switches it on, but nothing happens.

         MAN
    It's burned out.

Tom, a bit surprised, reaches for a baseball bat laid against the wall. He holds the bat up. The man sits in Tom's living room, his face still shrouded in shadow. Beside him, his cigarette still burns in the small plate used as an ashtray.

         TOM
    Who are you? How did you get in here?

         MAN
    Your landlord let me in.

Tom calms down slightly. He has lived here for four years and has never known his landlord to do something like this. As such, there must be a good explanation. Nevertheless, he holds the bat ready for action.

         TOM
    Do I know you?

         MAN
    You could say that.

Tom hesitates for a moment longer.

          TOM
    Well, are you going to tell me why you're here?

         MAN
    I have a favor to ask...It's not going to be easy, but its something that needs to be done...for both our sakes.

         TOM
    Who are you? Really. Either tell me that or get the fuck out of here.

Tom raises the bat even higher.

         TOM (CONT'D)
    I don't believe my landlord let you in.

         MAN
    Oh, he let me in all right. I told him I had lost my keys.

         TOM
    What?

The man stands up out of the shadow and walks towards Tom. Tom grips the bat even harder.

         TOM (CONT'D)
    Don't come any closer!

         MAN
    I'm not going to hurt you, Tom. In fact, I'm here to help you.

The man's face is finally revealed. It is Tom. The resemblance is unmistakable. Tom is obviously shocked by this development.

         TOM #2
    Now listen. I know this must be difficult for you. I still have trouble understanding it myself, but...I'm you.

         TOM
    Wh...what?!

         TOM #2
    I'm you. It's not important how its possible, but you have to believe me when I say, I am you...do you understand?

         TOM
    Yea...yes. I think so.

         TOM #2
    Good. Now, you're seeing Stacy, right?

         TOM
    Stacy? What about her? Why do you want to know about Stacy?

         TOM #2
    Listen, Tom, I know you think you love her. Remember, I was you once. But she's no good.

         TOM
    NO!!! Get the fuck out of here!

         TOM #2
    Listen to me, Tom. She's no good for you. She will only hurt you.

         TOM
    Get out.

         TOM #2
    You will regret having ever met her.

         TOM (CLENCHING HIS TEETH)
    Get out.

         TOM #2
    Are you listening to me, Tom?

         TOM
    GET OUT!!!

         TOM #2
    You have to kill her, Tom. You have to kill her before she is allowed to hurt you.

Tom pushes his counterpart out the door, still clutching the baseball bat. He slams the door in his face and locks it securely.

         TOM #2 (CONT'D)
    If you can't trust yourself, who can you trust? I've told you what you have to do. Now its up to you.

Tom sits against the door. He drops the bat on the floor, struggling to fight off a panic attack. He breaths heavily in an attempt to calm himself.

INT. TOM'S BEDROOM, MORNING
Tom lays in bed, awake. He obviously didn't get much sleep. An alarm clock begins to ring. Tom's hand comes into frame and turns it off. He sits up in bed, rubbing his head as though he had a headache. He stands up and walks to the kitchen.

INT. KITCHEN, MORNING
Tom begins to make himself a bowl of cereal. He is obviously still disturbed by what he has seen. He turns towards the refrigerator, opens it and finds a carton of milk. He raises it and shakes it. It is empty.

         TOM
    Fuck (under his breath).

The phone suddenly rings, catching Tom by surprise. He answers.

         TOM (CONT'D)
    Hello?

         TOM #2
    You want proof, don't you? I can't say I blame you. It's a lot to take in.

         TOM
    Who is this?

Tom closes his eyes, feeling stupid because of his question, having known the answer. Tom #2 sighs.

         TOM #2
    Listen. Tonight, Stacy will have a present for you. A cell phone. If I'm right, will you believe me?

         TOM
    Assuming I would even buy this load of crap, I refuse to believe I would ever turn into you. I'm no murderer. And how is it even possible? You're me?! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

         TOM #2
    I told you it didn't matter how it was possible, it only matters that it is. Now, I told you what...

         TOM
    No, this is bullshit! So we look alike. I think you're some fucking whack job trying to manipulate me.

         TOM #2
    I've told you what you need to do. You just have to trust me. I'll call you later tonight...have you're answer ready.

Tom #2 hangs up. Tom hangs up the receiver. He stands, staring at the phone for a moment. He suddenly grabs it and throws it on the ground. We hear a severe cracking sound.

         TOM
    FUCK!!!

A woman's voice is heard.

         STACY (V.O.)
    So what happened to you today?

INT. RESTAURANT, EVENING
Tom and Stacy are sitting in a restaurant. Stacy is looking right at Tom, waiting for an answer to her question. Tom is not paying attention. Obviously, the developments of the last couple of days are weighing heavily on him.

         STACY
    Tom?

Tom suddenly snaps out of it.

         TOM
    Sorry? What?

         STACY
    What happened to you today. I kept trying to call you, but you never answered. You told me you were staying home.

Tom hesitates to answer.

         TOM
    My phone is just...broken.

Stacy accepts the answer, but hides a slight sign of doubt. He's not telling her everything. She knows this. But it's not important. She pulls a small box from her purse.

         STACY
    Anyways, I have something for you.

She places the small box in front of Tom. She smiles at him, proud of herself. Tom looks terrified.

         TOM
    What...what is it?

         STACY
    Open it and find out.

Tom unwraps the small box very slowly. He doesn't want to see what is inside.

         STACY (CONT'D)
    Come on...faster.

Stacy reaches over and helps him unwrap it faster. Tom finally opens the box and finds a cell phone.

         STACY (CONT'D)
    You like it? This way you don't have to worry about your broken phone. Although I think it takes a couple of days to activate it or something.

Tom tries to force a smile.

         TOM
    Thanks, Stacy.

From his reaction, Stacy is disappointed. Tom looks at her suspiciously. He tries to imagine what she could have done to make him want to kill her.

         STACY
    If you don't like it, I'll just take it back. You just kept saying you wanted to get a cell phone.

         TOM
    No, Stacy, its great. Really...thank you.

He smiles sincerely for the first time. Stacy smiles back.

         TOM (CONT'D)
    I just haven't been feeling well today.

         STACY
    What are you, pregnant?

Tom smiles at Stacy, a bit more relaxed now.

         STACY (CONT'D)
    Ok, come on, we have to go. We're going to miss the movie.

Tom puts the cell phone in his pocket and they both stand up. Stacy walks out first with Tom slowly following behind her.

EXT. OVERPASS, NIGHT
Tom walks on a pedestrian overpass. He stops in the middle of it and looks at the oncoming traffic underneath him. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the small cell phone Stacy gave him.

    TOM (V.O.)
    How did you know about the cell phone?

He suddenly throws it off the overpass.

THE CAMERA MOVES TO FOLLOW THE PHONE AND LOOSES IT IN THE DARK NIGHT SKY.

                                                                              CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM, NIGHT
THE CAMERA DOLLIES FROM A DARKENED WALL TO TOM LEANING UP AGAINST THE WALL TALKING ON THE PHONE.

Tom stands in the dark on the phone. The phone is duct taped together.
         TOM #2
    I already told you that. No more wasting time. You have to kill her. Trust me.

         TOM
    I won't do it, you fucking psycho.

         TOM #2 (ANGRY)
    Listen, you little shit, I'm trying to help you. You don't know what's going to happen. I do. Now, go into the kitchen and take a knife. Slit her fucking thr...

Tom hangs up on him. He carefully places the phone down, trying not to make too much noise. He stands in the dark for a time, pondering deeply. He hesitantly walks towards his bedroom. In the hallway, he finds the baseball bat he had threatened Tom #2 with. He clutches it tightly. He spends a moment staring at it, then makes his way into the bedroom.

INT. BEDROOM, NIGHT
Tom stands in front of his bed. Stacy lays sleeping. He clutches the bat, looking down at her. He waits for a moment, then slips into bed beside her. He places the bat on the floor beside him, readily accessible in case of emergencies. He slowly closes his eyes and goes to sleep.
                                                            FADE TO BLACK.
                                                            FADE IN:

INT. BEDROOM, MORNING
Tom slowly awakens. He turns to face Stacy. She lies dead, covered in blood. Tom screams and jumps out of bed. He stands speechless for a few seconds. His clothes are also stained with blood. He moves towards her and attempts to wake her.

         TOM
    STACY!!! Stacy, wake up! Oh, god, please don't be dead.

He runs into the living room.

INT. LIVING ROOM, MORNING
Tom picks up the phone and dials '911'. An operator answers, but his phone suddenly gives out. He panics further and runs towards the front door. He opens it to find a police officer about to knock on his door. Tom stands, shocked. The police officer begins to form a sentence, but sees Tom's blood soaked clothing. He looks him straight in the eyes.

                                                                CUT TO:
EXT. STREET, MORNING
Tom #2 walks past a line of cars until he finally comes to Tom's. He opens the door, sits inside and starts it. A song, the same from scene #1, picks up where it left off. Tom #2 drives off down the street.
CUT TO CLOSING CREDITS

[Raikus]

Honestly I really don't get the point. There's two Toms without any explanation. There's one telling the other to kill his GF with not motivation. And then when (presumably) the 2nd Tom does kill her, why does he do it? To take 1st Tom's car? Because she broke 2nd Tom's heart and he's out for revenge.

It just doesn't seem to mesh much as a story. I get the feeling it all made sense in your head, and you're not trying to be ambigious to the reader as the script is, but you've got to fill in a bunch of holes.

Is 2nd Tom Evil Tom? Did evil get into his hand and it went bad? Fill in some of the why's and give us some type of contrast as to why this really matters to a viewer. Is Tom psychotic and making visualizations of his true feelings? There's just so many questions...

[Ghostboy]

Yeah, I have to say I don't like it much either. I got a 'split personality' vibe from it, and I just think that's very overdone. There were no surprises -- not that a film has to surprise me to be good, but it was just very straightforward.

What are the parts that you like that are compelling you to keep that parts that you don't like? I run into that problem all the time...and in the end, it's better to jettison the faulty material. Get rid of the weak spots and kill your babies at the same time, and you'll generally end up with an all around better end product.

One technical note: the part where the action goes into detail about the landlord, and how Tom knows he wouldn't just let someone in because he's been there for four years -- that's the sort of thing that's unnecessary for the reader. If it's not communicable as dialogue or action, exposition like that is best left out. Of course, writers like Tarantino break that rule all the time with their scripts, but they can get away with it, those bastards.

[Myxo]

Ya know..

I still believe you need something to grab an audience within a very short amount of time.

People need to settle into their chairs and be assured that they are in for a great ride. It doesn't need to be a moment of action or a sex scene. It sounds shallow, but for the film to get any funding, as a producer, if I read the start of this script, I'm immediately wondering how this is any different than what I've seen before.

It's a good start though.

You can do better I'm sure.

;)

[Recce]

Hmm, I guess it doens't make much sense in the script. It worked in my head cause I wrote the back and forward stories for Tom and Stacy, but I never actually included any of it in the script. I think I should maybe expand. Here it is:

Tom

Pre-Script
Tom is a twenty-two year old University student(at the time of the script) studying in Science. He completed a DEC in economics. At this point, he is still unsure of his future career goals. For a time, he was fairly confident he wanted to become an accountant, having always been good with numbers. However, when application time for University rolled around, he decided not to apply to economics. To this day, he is still unsure why he chose 'Science'. He graduates in two months. The prospect of starting a career he has not planned for has been making him more and more nervous in recent months. Nevertheless, he is quite happy with his life. His relationship with Stacy is escalating quite well. He plans to ask her to move in with him when he finds a real job, even though she pretty much already lives with him. He currently works as an administrative aid in a small clinic. His mother got him the job through a friend who works there. The work is pretty boring, but it pays fairly well and his bosses did not seem to mind his lack of experience or interest in the field. He has become quite comfortable there and will be sorry to leave when he begins his career, whenever that may be.

His childhood was a fairly normal, middle class one until the age of twelve, when his father suddenly passed away from a heart attack. His parents had been having a rough time when his father died, and his mother was very hurt by this. They had had an argument the day he died and it has weighed on her since that day. While his mother was a very good parent, his father had always been the prominent parental figure in the household. He had always gotten along very well with him, so he was hit quite hard by his death. Two years after his fathers death, when he was 14, his mother remarried, a man with a son from a previous marriage which had ended in divorce. Tom never really got along with his new step-father and step brother. While they were not at each others throats, they mostly stayed away from each other, which worked out fine until the day Tom moved out at the age of 18. It was at about the same time that Tom's step-brother began to get into trouble with the law. It was nothing really serious, but Tom had to go bail him out on two separate occasions, despite their mutual frustration towards each other. Tom also has an older sister. Their relationship had been strengthened when their father died, though they rarely talk about him. Unlike Tom, she accepted her step-father and step-brother wholeheartedly. Tom was never able to understand how she was able to accept them so easily.

Since grade 5, Tom has had a best friend named Craig. It was Craig who originally invited Stacy to the movies the night they met. Stacy was Craig's date. Though the relationship never really escalated between Craig and Stacy, Tom and Stacy became good friends. About a year after that, they began to date. This caused a bit of a rift between Craig and Tom. The two lost contact with each other. It wasn't until about a year ago that Tom and Craig met up again, where Craig announced he was engaged to get married. This allowed them to put the 'Stacy' issue behind them and become good friends again.

Post-Script:
After Stacy's murder, Tom is arrested and charged with her murder. The prosecution had a very easy case, quickly destroying Tom's story that he had slept through the murder. 'You mean to tell us that your girlfriend was savagely butchered beside you and you didn't wake up?', as the argument went. When Tom had first gotten arrested, he quickly decided to omit the story of the second Tom, as it would surely work against him. Tom is currently serving a 25 to life sentence for murder. During the trial, it was revealed that Stacy was three weeks pregnant. She was not aware of the pregnancy at the time of her death.

A few months after Tom is sentenced, someone begins to take over his life. While the police have seized Tom and Stacy's belongings and apartment, Tom's credit cards, bank accounts and student accounts remain active. Tom #2 gets his chance to relive his life without Stacy.

Post-Script alternate reality:
With the murder never taking place and Tom #2 never meeting Tom, Stacy finds out a few weeks later that she is pregnant. Coming as a bit of a shock to the two of them, they had mixed feelings about it at first. However, after a few days, the shock wore off and the two were quite excited about becoming parents, despite their young age. After graduating, Tom managed to get a fairly good job for a local drug company. The salary is good, but the most exciting part is the very good chance for advancement in the long term. Stacy gave birth to a boy some 6 months after Tom began his new job. They moved out of their apartment and bought a small house two years later. Their life began to settle down quite well, much to Tom's delight. A little less then a year later, Stacy and Trevor, their son, were in a car accident. Stacy had been at an office party and was a bit tipsy when she picked Trevor up from the daycare. She made it out with a broken nose and a bad concussion, but Trevor was killed on impact. Tom was furious at Stacy and blamed her for his son's death. In a fit of rage, Tom visited Stacy in her hospital room. He attempted to strangle her to death. He would have succeeded if two orderlies hadn't come along and pried them apart. Tom managed to get away from them and avoid getting caught by the police. After that incident, he disappeared and was never heard from again.






Stacy

Pre-Script:
Stacy is a 21 year old University student (at the time of the script). She is studying in business and completed a DEC in business. People tell her she is very much like her mother, being very strong headed. She has known she wanted to become a business woman since the age of 8. She likes to be in control of her life and know what to expect. She is not overly controlling, nor is she meticulous about the way she lives her life, but she does not like being unsure of her future, so she does what she can to plan it out. When she graduates, she plans to get a job in a small import/export company a friend of her father owns. She is the youngest of three, all girls.

One fateful night, as it turned out, she was in a bit of a jam at a gas station. Her debit card suddenly refused to scan properly. Having no cash on her, she began to plead with the gas station attendant to let her go home for some cash. Behind her, Craig, Tom's best friend, taps her on the shoulder and offers to pay for her gas. He had spotted her outside and thought she was quite pretty. He had been hoping for a chance to speak to her and this seemed to be a perfect opportunity. Stacy was very embarrassed and unwilling to accept the total strangers money at first. It wasn't until Craig suggested they might meet at a movie theatre the following night, where she could repay him and go see a movie with some of his friends, that she accepted, growing more and more uncomfortable with the gas attendants dirty looks. The following night, Stacy met Craig at the movies. She was introduced to Tom, as well, and a couple of other people. They spent the night laughing about Stacy's predicament at the gas station. She went on a few other dates with Craig, but they never really got serious. What she never told him was that she had only agreed to go out with him again because she felt like she owed him something. They became friends afterwards. She also became friends with Tom, who had made quite an impression on her that first night at the movies. After about a year, they began to date. Much to her dismay, this caused a rift between Craig and Tom. She had never wanted to get between them, and never realized how much Craig had liked her. This did not stop their relationship from growing, however. They got pretty serious, now with the prospect of moving in together on the horizon. Craig and Tom sparsely saw each other anymore, and she carried that burden until the day it was announced Craig was engaged. Tom and Craig were able to put the disagreement behind them and became good friends once again, much to her satisfaction.

Post-Script:
Stacy is dead.


Post Script alternate reality:
Having never been murdered, Stacy finds out she is pregnant a couple of weeks later. She waited an entire week to tell Tom, being very unsure if she truly wanted to take on motherhood at such a young age. She had always planned to have children, but not until much later in her life, when she had an established career. She considered getting an abortion before telling Tom, but eventually decided he deserved to know. She finally told him about the pregnancy. After a few days, they were both mutually happy and excited about the baby. She never told Tom about having considered abortion. She graduated before her pregnancy began to interfere with her studies. She postponed her job at the import/export company and gave birth to a baby boy. Six months later, she began to work, her sisters and parents taking turns baby-sitting when she and Tom were unable to. A couple of years later, she and Tom bought a small house. Their life was beginning to settle down quite nicely. A little less then a year later, she was coerced by coworkers into attending an office party. Normally, she would have skipped it altogether, but it also doubled as a farewell party for the woman whose job she was aiming to get. Knowing that the woman's recommendation for her replacement would hold some weight, she attended and took a few drinks, out of 'respect'. On her way home, her sister called. She was unable to pick up Stacy's son, Trevor, from day-care, as had been agreed upon. So, Stacy made a detour and went to pick him up. They were in a car accident on the way home. Stacy got away with a broken nose and a bad concussion, but Trevor was killed on impact. Doctors insisted on keeping her overnight to keep an eye on her concussion. She had managed to cry herself to sleep when she was suddenly awakened by Tom, furious and trying to choke her. She managed to let out a scream, getting the attention of two orderlies who managed to pry Tom off of her. She had never seen such hatred in his eyes. Tom disappeared after that and was never heard from again.

P.S. Thanks for the no-BS feedback. It's surprisingly hard to find these days.

[Ghostboy]

Having spent all that time writing such developed backstories and such, you may be selling yourself short with a final product as scant as what you first posted. Knowing all that background information doesn't make the script any better, but it does prove that you have enough material to write something much better based around the same story. Maybe even enough for a feature...or at least a longer short.

[Film Student]

Dude, fuck it.  Get a camera and make it yourself; it'll be fun for you.  It's a short, you're not trying to sell the script to anyone,  and the material will give you a lot to practice with, technically.

I made a short last year about a guy who's trapped in a donut shop that turns out to be hell.  At the end he confronts and argues with himself.  The script was sort of weak (I wrote it myself), but I had to do it for a class so I shot it, and I used split screen on final cut to create the illusion of this guy talking to himself.  It was really fun, and turned out phenomenal.  Everyone I showed it to didn't care much for the story but was astounded at the simple effect of having an actor talking to a double of himself on screen.  One gimmick can go a long way.

At this point (I assume you're young), there's no point in agonizing over the script.  Nothing you write is going to be that great, because like myself, you lack the life experience necessary to be a great writer.  But it'll come... we just have to be patient... Unless you're a forty-year old man posting on this board, in which case I'm an asshole and disregard everything I'm saying.

Anyway,  I thought your story was fun, and if you have a camera, you should totally make it.

[MacGuffin]

At this point (I assume you're young), there's no point in agonizing over the script.  Nothing you write is going to be that great, because like myself, you lack the life experience necessary to be a great writer.  But it'll come... we just have to be patient... Unless you're a forty-year old man posting on this board, in which case I'm an asshole and disregard everything I'm saying.

I'm sorry, but I gotta call  :bs:

If what you are saying is true, then why are Robert Rodriguez's scripts still less than stellar? If Reece was a forty-year old, then by what you are saying, his script would be the cat's pajamas. He may not be trying to sell it to anyone, but he should have the personal sense in knowing that his script is solid enough to start production on it, rather than a 'fuck it, I'll fix it in post' attitude. Some twenty-years olds have more life experience than some twice, three or more times their age. Age has nothing to do with an ability to tell a story well. The sooner one learns to write a 'great' script, the sooner one doesn't have to rely on 'gimmicks'. Yes, it takes patience, but I think it comes from rewriting and rewriting and rewriting to arrive at that great script.

One gimmick can go a long way.

But only so far, and not far enough as a great script can. A great script gets you producers, agents and investors more than just a good looking shot list can. Gimmicks get you music video-type jobs.

But all of this is just my opinion. I come from the school of 'a great script can let other lesser aspects of the production be forgiven'.

[Film Student]

Ya know what, MacGuffin....

You're right.  You're completely right... I stand corrected (sorry Recce).

It was late and I was grumpy when I posted that, and I've just been having so much trouble lately with my writing that I kinda regressed into the whole "screw it, just do what you want" attitude.   But you're right, Mac.

[Recce]

Well, I'm definetely going to make it. But I'm in no rush and I have several other productions that would need to come first with school, so I'll probably start shooting some time before Christmas, which gives me a while to revise stuff.