Transformer Movie???

[Fernando]

i think if you placed a fucking rock in front of a screen it would grow eyes and roll them at the shit that happens in this movie.

Hilarious, if that phrase wasn't too long it had to go up in the marquee, thanks for the laughs. 

i didn't see spidey 3, shrek the turd, or pirates of who gives a shit, all for the same reason i should've avoided transformers

Well, I saw all of those and while spidey is bad in the end compared to the other two turds isn't that bad, at least it doesn't feel as long as pirates or pointless and unfunny as shit the turd.

[grand theft sparrow]

Pubrick couldn't be any more right.  Every point he makes is spot on.  Everything we were afraid this douchebag was going to do with this movie, he did, harder than he ever has before.  It's so bad, there are whole chunks of the movie that I don't remember because I was daydreaming about my subway ride home after the movie.  A lot of that had to do with the fact that I was watching a giant nondescript pointy piece of metal roll around on Hollywood Boulevard with another giant nondescript pointy piece of metal for half an hour.

Bay has finally convinced me that he's the fucking antichrist of film.  I've always said that he's not the worst.  He might be the fucking worst.  He is so hellbent on putting "funny" moments at inappropriate times in every movie which inexplicably undercuts the tension of the painstakingly staged action sequences, like he's afraid to let the audience feel uncertain about the outcome of the scene.   There's a whole thing about a soldier making a cell phone call to the Pentagon (because they take calls, of course!) and is told by an Indian operator that he needs a credit card to put the call through... all while he's under fire from one of the Decepticons.  OMGROTFLMFAOfuckthisasshole!

And he's also obsessed with portraying as many stereotypes and caricatures as often as possible.  I now have to retract my statement that Bernie Mac can make any movie better with his presence, if only slightly.  Every black, hispanic, Asian, female, overweight, and child actor should refuse to work with him because of what he does.

The only answer that I can come up with for Bay constantly doing this shit is that he's following market research on what dumbass audiences like in movies, only he doesn't even begin to try to make it coherent at all; he just throws it all up there at the same time.  And you know what?  It works.  People laughed at every single shitty "funny" moment, most of the audience I was with applauded at the end and some woman on the street told a complete stranger how awesome it was.

And Shia is the least of the problems of this movie.  If he was any less of an actor, the movie would have been completely unwatchable.  Since I have no hope that Indy 4 will be any good, with or without him, I can at least count on him keeping it from being the worst thing ever.  Barely.

There's so much more to talk about but what's the point?  Fuck Transformers.  Fuck Michael Bay.  Fuck movies.  Every memory I have of weekdays at 4 in front of the TV after school is bleeding from the asshole right now.

[Stefen]

shit the turd.

Eli Roths next movie. Possibly a Tarantino collabo.

[Pubrick]

most of the audience I was with applauded at the end

they did that at my screening too. i couldn't believe it, i genuinely thought they were cheering because the ordeal was over. am i crazy?

there really is so much more to say about it, partly because it's so long.. i remember the point where i didn't think there could be a worse scene and that it would by default have to get better from there, i'm talking about when they go to shia's house to get the glasses and the autobots wait outside. HOW LONG DID THAT GO FOR??? jesus christ. then the transformers started acting like drunken idiots and stumbling all over the place **those lovable giants ha ha ha!**, then they're trucks and they're still on the goddamn lawn **oh ho ho, ever so droll!**, then they keep poking their head everywhere, breaking power lines, making a ruckus and reminding us that they "really need those glasses" <--- actual quote after what feels like an hour into the same endless scene that has obviously forgotten it was about those damn glasses (which btw ended up being completely useless). but hey they're still bumping into things **classic fish out of water! where's jackie chan??!** was everyone in the editing room bored to sleep by their own creation and forget to cut half the movie?

i thought it couldn't get more tedious than that. i was wrong.

[Ghostboy]

collabo.

Ooohh, nice abbreve! I'm gonna use that.

I think I'll go see this and Die Hard on the same ticket. Only that ticket will be for Ratotouille, which I'll also see.

[©brad]

well the movie may suck, but these reviews are hysterical and great (sparro and p in particular).

i have imax tickets to see this on monday, but now i'm wondering if i wouldn't have more fun taking my 22 dollars and buying a 12-pack, ordering chinese, and watching curb your enthusiasm reruns...

[mogwai]

chris cunningham should've directed this fucking movie.

[grand theft sparrow]

I honestly believe with all my heart that ANYONE else directing this would have been a step up.  Jan de Bont, Simon West, any of the other Tony Scott clones I'm forgetting right now.  I even wish Ratner or McG had had a shot at this.

The hysterical laughter that erupted from the audience when Optimus Prime said, "My bad..."  Fuck people too.  And I forgot to mention that Jon Voight should have his Oscar reposessed.  His daughter's also.

But did anyone get that trailer for that J.J. Abrams-produced movie that didn't give the title?  I can't wait to see and be disappointed by that one in January!

[The Red Vine]

I even wish Ratner or McG had had a shot at this.

Please don't go there.

Next it'll be Renny Harlin or Uwe Boll.

[grand theft sparrow]

You got me on Harlin but I stand by the other two.  I'm not saying that McG and the Rat would have made GOOD movies but they'd at least have had the simple decency to make instantly forgettable ones.

[pumba]

Umm...since when do movies come out on tuesdays?


fucking michael bay and his ignorance of movie laws.

[Kal]

If I'm not wrong it was opening TONIGHT... Since when do movies open on a MONDAY night?

I dont know, but I guess they believe they will shatter every box office record with this movie... I dont think so.

I will, however, go and see this sometime later this week... my dad is coming to visit and he loves the shittiest special effects movies he can find...

[Pubrick]

just checking, "the cream of the crop" over at rotten tomatoes doesn't actually mean anything right?

i always thought it was an attempt to differentiate the more established or legitimate critics from the "majority" scale which determines the overall score. are they always the same ppl or are they just the best written reviews available for a particular movie?

[Ghostboy]

I just saw it and I was actually pretty entertained. I really loved the first hour or so. It was fun and thrilling and entertaining in that overly bombastic Michael Bay fasion. I loved it all the way up until Optimus Prime opens his mouth and introduces the other autobots. At that point it became stupid. Bad stupid, with intermittent moments of good stupid dropped in throughout the remaining running time. Any big robot fight scene was generally lame because they all look exactly the same, especially the decpticons, but when they were on their own - like the desert battles or the scenes with bumblebee - I thought they worked really well. And I loved how gloriously cheesy the opening narration was (and some of the exposition as well). It really felt like some sort of 80s kids fantasy thing (which it was, I guess, but I never actually watched the show or played with the toys much).

I'm glad I saw it, in any case. Way better than Spidey or Pirates. In my opinion.

[B.C. Long]

"I'M NOT LEAVING BUMBLEBEE!"

Did anyone else notice the little car ornament hanging on Bumblebee's dash that said "Bee-otch!"?