SHANNON
I'm leaving.
BRANDON
I know.
SHANNON
I can't talk right now.
BRANDON
As always.
SHANNON
Listen, i cannot talk right now.
BRANDON
(The line falls dead. He says
nothing.)
SHANNON
Really. I need to go. I'm at work, I've got work to do. Any
ways I'm not even allowed to be on this phone. Just call me
later.
BRANDON
Why?
SHANNON
Why? How can you ask me that?
BRANDON
How can you ask me to still be here for you? After all this.
SHANNON
I can't do this now. Call me later.
BRANDON
What's the point?
SHANNON
Does there always have to be a point? Look, Brandon, I love
you. We can work through this. I promise. Just let me go.
Call me later.
BRANDON
What's the point? You'll still be at work when I call you.
SHANNON
Then wait till i get off, it's not that long.
BRANDON
Its' too long. Some things can't wait.
SHANNON
Brandon. Stop. I can't talk right now.
BRANDON
You never can.
SHANNON
You bother me so fucking much.
BRANDON
(The line once again falls
dead. After a while:)
That's Shannon's cue to hang up on me.
SHANNON
I'm not going to hang up on you.
BRANDON
Yes you will. You always do.
SHANNON
And so will you. That's what people do when they get off the
phone. They hang up. Just say goodbye.
BRANDON
(Says nothing)
SHANNON
Please, say goodbye. That's all I'm asking.
BRANDON
(Says nothing)
SHANNON
I'm not going to hang up like this. Really, I'll talk to you
later. Just call me when you get out.
BRANDON
Oh, okay. I'll call you when I get out. You'll still be at
work, you won't answer your phone,
SHANNON
(Interrupting)
Stop it.
BRANDON
No, listen, you won't answer your phone, I can't leave a
message because your mail box is full,
SHANNON
(interrupting)
Stop it.
BRANDON
Even if I could leave you a message, what would I say?
SHANNON
Whatever the hell you want.
BRANDON
It's not that easy. I need to tell you so much.
SHANNON
And you can. Just wait till I get off.
BRANDON
I feel so different, I don't know what it is.
SHANNON
I need to go.
BRANDON
No, you don't.
SHANNON
I'm going to fight with you now.
BRANDON
When can you?
SHANNON
Any other time then right now.
BRANDON
And tomorrow when your at work, and when your line is busy,or
when your out with your friends?
SHANNON
Please don't do this, I have work to do. Say goodbye. I love
you.
BRANDON
No, you don't.
SHANNON
Goodbye Brandon.
BRANDON
(Long pause)
I'm not saying goodbye.
SHANNON
Sometimes you don't have to.
BRANDON
I can't do this. Not now. Just wait. Please.
SHANNON
What are you talking about?
BRANDON
Please, just wait. Listen to me.
SHANNON
Brandon, I'm at work remember?
BRANDON
Yes i fucking remember! Why do you have to be so mean?
At this time SHANNON stands up at her
desk, as if she was concerned.
At this time BRANDON slides down the
wall and quietly begins to cry.
SHANNON
Brandon, are you okay?
BRANDON
No, I'm pretty far from okay right now. I'm sorry.
SHANNON
I'll call you when i get out.
BRANDON
Sure.
SHANNON
Goodbye.
BRANDON
Sure.
SHANNON
Goodbye. Brandon. Say goodbye.
BRANDON
Goodbye.
FADE TO BLACK.
(some sort of credits role)
Who are these people? It just sounds like a lover's spat. Like she wants to leave him, but isn't saying, and he knows what's down the road. Give us a bit more to work with.
Quote from: coffeebeetleWho are these people? It just sounds like a lover's spat. Like she wants to leave him, but isn't saying, and he knows what's down the road. Give us a bit more to work with.
i concur.
Anyway, I like how both their names are almost the same.
i know, i know, not enough....
It just came out this morning. Im sure i'll post more when it comes out. Do you like it? Does it flow? Just wondering? Thanks for reading it.
Keep trying. Here's a tip, arguing in dialogue say's "I'm a beginner". Everyone knows how to argue, and everyone thinks they are good at it. Even worse, know really wants to pay to watch it.
when and if i do decide to finsh it, i think it would be a play. not a movie. Okay, thanks again.
So, Shannon is leaving Brandon and a few seconds later claims they can work it out whilst Brandon is being argumentative until he breaks down?
Maybe I'm just too confused for my own good.
I could say that the conversation is fairly petty and full of mindless bickering, but that's how most arguments are.
I think Shannon should ask Brandon if he knows what they call a Quarter Pounder in France.
It's so raw and edgy. Reeks of teenage poetry. Sorry, that was cynical. It's really not that bad. It does flow pretty well. I just have no context in which to place it. Sorry for the meanness.
the only thing i can see while reading this is two high school kids acting this out during a theater arts class, sorry if you take that as mean, but i dont mean for it to be, god knows im not a writer, so i dont try, but i love how you guys here post your stuff for advice and such.
I think if there was an old man character who tried to molest his granddaughter, it would be a lot classier...
This is a screenwriting exercise.... yes, you're working the dialogue but this is a scene out of context. It could be Arthur Miller but without something more concrete it's just an exercise.
thanks again guys.
Well, Im am a teenager, and yes, i know it's not good. But i like to hear things like that. It keeps me going. it makes me try harder.
thanks.
Don't ever say you're not good. Cut that negative bullshit. We're all capable of doing work that's not good, but the very fact that you are doing something is most definitely always good.
Keep on!!
Quote from: stallloveWell, Im am a teenager
me too. i think xixax has a big teen population. and it has a big impact on our ideas, which tend to be more urgent and emotion-based.
i'm in the same place as you pretty much (see my thread). i don't want to sound cliche-ridden- but don't get discouraged and keep working at it.
Hey man -- I finally read it and I liked it. So it's a short scene, an exercise in argumentative dialogue, and it's a little angsty -- that's fine, I think you did a really good job. It flows well, and I can imagine it sounding real. The only part I didn't like was where Brandon starts crying -- he seemed to morose to break down like that. Maybe I'm reading too much into a short exchange, but in any case, good work and keep it up.
i liked it! but i think it would be funnier if it would be shorter, but what i really liked is the fact that the insecure one is the guy and not the girl, and if i would be Shannon i'd hang up on him anyway, maybe she is really falling in love .
The fact that you're a teenager is quite amazing. Write within the scene, then write within a certain context. I won't coment on specifics.... it's all a process.
One of the maxims of screenwriting is "show, don't tell." It is preferable to convey information visually rather than through dialogue. However, if something is dialogue-heavy, sometimes what characters don't say can carry as much weight as what they actually say. Or what they say can be an ironic counterpoint to how they actually feel.
In the telephone conversation, it might be helpful to give the girl a bit of business to do while talking. Maybe she's flirting with someone else while she's on the phone, or maybe she's flipping through a magazine while talking.