Xixax Film Forum

Film Discussion => News and Theory => Topic started by: Sigur Rós on September 21, 2003, 03:15:12 PM

Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Sigur Rós on September 21, 2003, 03:15:12 PM
Here are some:

"To save the world, they must..."
"Eminem in his directorial debut..."
"MTV Pictures presents..."
"He was a man fighting for justice"
"When you thought it was all over..."
"They're BACK!"
"From the writer of Magnolia and the director of Rush Hour"
"On a journey you'll never forget"
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: aclockworkjj on September 21, 2003, 03:21:24 PM
"....and starring Mandy Moore"
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: prophet on September 21, 2003, 03:31:43 PM
"See it for the first time anywhere"


this is my worst dream "MTV Pictures presents..."
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Pas on September 21, 2003, 04:03:51 PM
"You tought you knew the end...but it was just the beginning ! Magnolia 2 : Revenge of the Killing Frogs. Come on, try and get it !"
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: MacGuffin on September 21, 2003, 04:18:41 PM
*From Academy Award Winner, McG...
*Starring Madonna
*...But all that is about to change.
*He did it with "Psycho", now Gus Van Sant sets his sights on... "Vertigo."
*Coming Soon..."Ei8ht"; the awaited sequel to "Se7en."
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: rustinglass on September 21, 2003, 04:22:27 PM
"...on a version you've never seen before..."
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: cine on September 21, 2003, 04:56:06 PM
"In the spirit of the Freddy vs Jason trilogy, comes... Alf vs Harry from Harry and the Hendersons!"
"Just when you thought Pauly Shore couldn't be any funnier, he makes Encino Man 2: Frozen Weasels"
"People everywhere across North America have seen Michael Moore's new movie, Fahrenheit 9/11 and critics agree: 'Moore is the new Riefenstahl'"
"More dead animals! More feces! More blood and dead stuff! From academy award nominee Tom Green comes 'Elmer's Tapeworms!'"
"Attack of the.."
"More explosions! More sex! More drugs! More weapons! From the producers of Pearl Harbour: Boogie Nights 2!"
"Home Alone 8. When Michael strikes against the babysitter. He won't settle for company tonight! He's alone FOR GOOD!"
"Gus Van Sant brings you the glorious much needed remake to an old movie - and this one has colour! Dom DeLuise. Patrick Swayze. Mariah Carey. TOUCH OF EVIL!"
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Find Your Magali on September 21, 2003, 05:01:52 PM
"In a world where...."

"In a time when..."

"A tender tale of a man and his monkey..."

"Dancing was all he had..."

"Now, finally, the story of the 1983 Seattle Mariners can be told..."

"Pauly Shore brings Ayn Rand's greatest novel to life..."
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: aclockworkjj on September 21, 2003, 05:18:50 PM
Quote from: Find Your Magali"Now, finally, the story of the 1983 Seattle Mariners can be told..."

"....behind the offensive leader...with 19 HR's, 67 RBI's, a .269 BA....Pat Putnam..."
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Find Your Magali on September 21, 2003, 05:28:13 PM
Quote from: aclockworkjj
Quote from: Find Your Magali"Now, finally, the story of the 1983 Seattle Mariners can be told..."

"....behind the offensive leader...with 19 HR's, 67 RBI's, a .269 BA....Pat Putnam..."

Philip Seymour Hoffman IS Pat Putnam.

And Christina Ricci is his wife, Trixie, who is secretly sleeping with every other member of the team.

From a script by Charlie Kaufman, New Line Cinema proudly presents "Being the Mariners"


Actually, I might want to go see that.  :P
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: ElPandaRoyal on September 21, 2003, 06:48:41 PM
Quote"MTV Pictures presents..."

Wasn't Election a MTV production? And didn't Election rock? I think it did...
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: MacGuffin on September 21, 2003, 07:47:32 PM
Quote from: RoyalTenenbaumWasn't Election a MTV production? And didn't Election rock? I think it did...

Yes, it was, and yes, it did. I'm also not ashamed to admit I liked "Varsity Blues".

And Mandy Moore did a terrific job in "A Walk To Remember".
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Finn on September 21, 2003, 08:17:32 PM
"From the writer of Gigli and the director of Goodfellas..."
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: NEON MERCURY on September 21, 2003, 08:50:24 PM
.."like he said in his hit song 'rollin' ..watch underground  maverick filmmaker fred durst keep the cameras...'rollin' in his first feature film"



.."starring kristen dunst ........in writer/director darren Aronofsky"s newest film"

..."  right after the wedding comes....my big fat greek honeymoon"...
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: ©brad on September 21, 2003, 09:35:41 PM
"new line cinema presents a story about love, jealousy, compassion, revenge, more jealousy, fear, hate, shame, lust, and ambition."

"from first-time director________" (amatuers really do suck, don't they?)

"when you lead two different lives, with two different wives, two different homes, two different jobs, two different sets of kids, two different dogs, sometimes its tough to remember where you put your fucking car keys."

"Quentin Tarantino is.... Quentin Tarantino in "Quentin Tarantino: a life in video stores." written, produced, lit, edited, costumed, scored, desgined, packaged, printed, distributed, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Alethia on September 21, 2003, 09:41:01 PM
Quote from: ©dawg

"when you lead two different lives, with two different wives, two different homes, two different jobs, two different sets of kids, two different dogs, sometimes its tough to remember where you put your fucking car keys."


haha, i would love to hear that.
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: RegularKarate on September 21, 2003, 09:52:24 PM
-"a Joel Schumacher Film"
-"a Guy Ritchie Film"
-"in the spirit of Ishtar"
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: NEON MERCURY on September 21, 2003, 10:15:12 PM
Quote from: RegularKarate-
-"a Guy Ritchie Film"

..did swept away cause this..or have you always not like his films?????
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Ravi on September 21, 2003, 11:43:19 PM
Quote from: ©dawg
"Quentin Tarantino is.... Quentin Tarantino in "Quentin Tarantino: a life in video stores." written, produced, lit, edited, costumed, scored, desgined, packaged, printed, distributed, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

Is that Robert Rodriguez's influence on Tarantino?

"Adam Sandler..."

"Michael Bay"

"You loved the internet forum, now experience XIXAX: The Movie"

"God Damn I'm The Man has to try to save his family.  But only if he can stop creaming his pants for 48 hours."

"Don't die, goddamnit!"

"Noooooooooooo!!!!"

"It's payback time."
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Cecil on September 22, 2003, 12:08:21 AM
"this time, its personal"

also a thing i hate seeing in trailers these days is when everything builds and builds and builds, then theres the title of the movie, then some long, quiet shot, then a scare (like the new alien trailer and... well theyre all like that now)
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: RegularKarate on September 22, 2003, 12:02:55 PM
Quote from: RegularKarate-
"a Guy Ritchie Film"
Quote from: NEON MERCURY
..did swept away cause this..or have you always not like his films?????

I'm sure you can find my opinion on this hack somewhere on this site.
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: ElPandaRoyal on September 22, 2003, 12:42:33 PM
QuoteI'm sure you can find my opinion on this hack somewhere on this site.



oooohhh....... c'mon now...... "Lock, Stock..." and Snatch were great. Didn't bother to see Swept Away yet... Not a big Madonna fan, especially her acting (?!).
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Cecil on September 22, 2003, 06:43:41 PM
"the ending will BLOW.. YOU... AWAY"
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Raikus on September 22, 2003, 09:09:27 PM
FIRE!
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Sigur Rós on September 23, 2003, 11:49:01 AM
Quote from: Ravi"God Damn I'm The Man has to try to save his family.  But only if he can stop creaming his pants for 48 hours."

There will be no happy ending in this one.
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Ghostboy on September 23, 2003, 12:10:00 PM
From The Novel By Nicholas Sparks...
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: pete on September 23, 2003, 02:58:04 PM
"...and this is the shocking twist that happens in the end which I will reveal right now..."
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: coffeebeetle on September 26, 2003, 07:48:59 AM
"From the writer/director of Manos the Hands of Fate comes a riveting and seductive tale of flatulents, cheap beer and mechanics...starring Mickey O'Rourke as Greasy Wrench, that pissed off dog from Cabin Fever as Fluffy the Wonder Bitch, and Kathy Bates in her most seductive role to date:Blown Gasket!"
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Find Your Magali on September 26, 2003, 09:12:53 AM
Quote from: coffeebeetle"From the writer/director of Manos the Hands of Fate comes a riveting and seductive tale of flatulents, cheap beer and mechanics...starring Mickey O'Rourke as Greasy Wrench, that pissed off dog from Cabin Fever as Fluffy the Wonder Bitch, and Kathy Bates in her most seductive role to date:Blown Gasket!"

How about a trailer for "Hands of Darkness," the long-awaited documentary on the making of "Manos The Hands of Fate"? ...  The screen would be black, and then you'd hear that haunting theme music start up, and then cut to Torgo and the Frank Zappa-lookalike guy sitting around a table, drinking coffee and eating donuts, when somebody suddenly throws a couple of revised scripts into the middle of the table.

CUT TO:

TORGO (in his real British accent, browsing through script): Oh, bloody hell. This production is daft, I tell you. First, they give me a positively ridiculous shambling walk. Then they add the bloody prosthetic thighs, which take all morning to put on. And now, what do these damned American intellectual midgets want to do? They want him to peer lasciviously through the window at the young woman. And, look, the nitwit can't even spell lasciviously. There's no bloody "h" in it. NO BLOODY "H"!! What are we doing here, Tom?

[BEAT]

Tom?

TOM/FRANK ZAPPA LOOKALIKE: Dude, my pee was green this morning.

CUT to shot of women in flowing white dresses wrestling in the sand. Someone shouts "Cut!" and walks into the middle of them, screaming, "No, no, no, you're doing it all wrong!"

VOICEOVER: If you thought the movie was horrifying, wait until you see behind the scenes. "Hands of Darkness" ... coming soon to a theatre near you.
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Just Withnail on September 26, 2003, 10:15:57 AM
A "Critics say..." ad for Gigli would be hilarious. Like when they printed a One Star review for Austin Powers 2 on the video cover here in Norway   :-D
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: coffeebeetle on September 26, 2003, 10:49:36 AM
Quote from: Find Your Magali
Quote from: coffeebeetle"From the writer/director of Manos the Hands of Fate comes a riveting and seductive tale of flatulents, cheap beer and mechanics...starring Mickey O'Rourke as Greasy Wrench, that pissed off dog from Cabin Fever as Fluffy the Wonder Bitch, and Kathy Bates in her most seductive role to date:Blown Gasket!"

How about a trailer for "Hands of Darkness," the long-awaited documentary on the making of "Manos The Hands of Fate"? ...  The screen would be black, and then you'd hear that haunting theme music start up, and then cut to Torgo and the Frank Zappa-lookalike guy sitting around a table, drinking coffee and eating donuts, when somebody suddenly throws a couple of revised scripts into the middle of the table.

CUT TO:

TORGO (in his real British accent, browsing through script): Oh, bloody hell. This production is daft, I tell you. First, they give me a positively ridiculous shambling walk. Then they add the bloody prosthetic thighs, which take all morning to put on. And now, what do these damned American intellectual midgets want to do? They want him to peer lasciviously through the window at the young woman. And, look, the nitwit can't even spell lasciviously. There's no bloody "h" in it. NO BLOODY "H"!! What are we doing here, Tom?

[BEAT]

Tom?

TOM/FRANK ZAPPA LOOKALIKE: Dude, my pee was green this morning.

CUT to shot of women in flowing white dresses wrestling in the sand. Someone shouts "Cut!" and walks into the middle of them, screaming, "No, no, no, you're doing it all wrong!"

VOICEOVER: If you thought the movie was horrifying, wait until you see behind the scenes. "Hands of Darkness" ... coming soon to a theatre near you.

:lol:   That's fucking rich!
Title: Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers
Post by: Ravi on September 26, 2003, 02:06:18 PM
Quote from: pete"...and this is the shocking twist that happens in the end which I will reveal right now..."

Yeah, I hate that.  After seeing the trailer for The Italian Job, I said to my friend, "Wow, that was a great movie."