This is my first attempt at writing a script. It's not spec (as you'll see) and I don't take it very seriously...it's just something I thought would be fun to write and maybe shoot at some point. Please exeuse the Tarantino-ish/PTA feel to it...but hell, you've gotta start somewhere, right?
Thanks in advance for any input or suggestions or outright expressions of revulsion :)
EXT. MOTEL-NIGHT
FADE IN:
MOTEL SIGN. Film cuts to front view of a car sitting in a parking lot with two men inside: VINCE, driver, mid 20s, and GATOR, early 50s, passenger. They sit in silence as camera pushes in on them. Film cuts to motel door, then CU on door #, then back to Vince and Gator.
VINCE: I wanna go in Gator. Gimmee your gun.
GATOR: What? You're not ready.
VINCE: I think I'm ready. I really do, I think I'm ready to do this.
GATOR: No, you're not. You can't "think" you're ready. You have to "know" and "be" ready. Besides, no one's ever quite ready.
VINCE: Could you sound any more vague, you asshole? I'm sick of driving. Just gimmee a chance.
GATOR: No-can-do pal. Not unless Vic authorizes it.
VINCE: Fuck Vic. He doesn't know what I can do.
He lights a cigarette.
GATOR: Put that out.
VINCE: What's your problem? You smoke.
GATOR: The smell gets into the upholstery. You know how Vic is about his cars--
VINCE: Oh Christ, would you shut up about Vic. 'Vic doesn't like this, Vic doesn't like that.' I don't care!
GATOR: (suddenly angry) Now you listen kid, you've gotta start showing some respect. He took you in, he's giving you a chance to better yourself, and you don't even have the courtesy to not smoke in one of his cars!
VINCE ignores him. He blows a huge plume of smoke out.
GATOR: (disgusted) I'm getting a fucking soda.
GATOR exits the car. Film cuts to CU of Vince's face as a smile spreads on his face. He opens the glovebox and pulls out a pistol. Resolve. He exits the car as Gator returns, soda in hand.
GATOR: Where do you think you're going?
VINCE ignores him, continuing his long stride across the parking lot towards the motel. MED profile shot of him.
GATOR: Hey! Asshole! Stop!
He runs up beside VINCE, visibly panicked.
GATOR: You can't do this! Vic's gonna kill you, even if you don't fuck this up, he's gonna put a bullet in your--
VINCE stops. He points to the motel with the gun.
VINCE: He's just a businessman. There's no way I could fuck this up. Now he owes money, and he's gonna pay, so why don't you go sit in the car and let me do this. I mean, look at you, you're panicked, you've lost your cool, your edge is "gone".
GATOR: You shut the fuck up! I haven't lost anything, I've been in this racket longer than it takes your mother to cum--
VINCE: Which is why it's time for you to sit down.
VINCE cocks the gun, smiling slyly.
VINCE: Times they are a'changin, pops.
Camera follows VINCE as he walks away from his partner. Angle over his shoulder, ONE LONG SHOT, as he reaches the motel door. Film cuts to GATOR looking almost helpless standing in the near empty parking lot...[/i]
... it ends just when it's getting really interesting.
well, at least no one's killed themselves..
late 40s doesn't feel that old to me, if gator was early 50s and vince mid 20s, it would make better sense.
Quote from: Pwell, at least no one's killed themselves..
late 40s doesn't feel that old to me, if gator was early 50s and vince mid 20s, it would make better sense.
Yeah, I considered that. But for some reason I didn't feel that a guy would still be loansharking in his fifties....but then again, why not?
Thanks for the input.
I'm probably just perpetuating a stereotype here, but it seems like Gator looses his cool rather quickly. Usually in these types of circumstances the vertern can play anger down. The outburst about Vic was good, but Gator's helplessness is uncomfortable. That may be what you're going for, but it seemed his character went from philosophy, knowledge, anger and then helplessness rather quickly.
He may be manic depressent.
Good point. I think I might have written him out of character to fit the needs of the story. A major no no...I'll see what I can do. Maybe I should just have him coolly let Vince fall on his face...that seems like something he would do.
But then again, he's VERY fearful of Vic, so maybe his sudden fear is very warranted considering the shit that'll come down on his head if Vince fucks up.
Thanks for the input Raikus.
Totally dug the concept; Passing the generational torch from one shark to the next. However, I am going to have to agree with Raikus' astute observation: The veteran should not lose his cool. I think if you somehow let Gator show up Vince and reveal him for the greenhorn he is it would do much better. Perhaps this embarassment in Vince fuels his rash decision to run towards the hotel room door while Gator is off getting a soda. I think something like Gator leaning over while Vince is in the midst of his petty diatribe and perhaps immobilizing him by using the seat belt as an impromptu noose might be cool as a means of emphasizing how little Vince knows about the game. But I really like the idea, I think you have tonnes of room for development and some really vivid shit.
I know you said to excuse the "Tarantino-ish/PTA feel to it", but for me personally it was just way too obvious. There's a difference between emulating the feel of someone's work and ripping names and lines straight out of it.
Other than that I suppose it was okay. I think you still have a lot of room to improve upon it. Make it longer for one thing. Not in terms of elaborating upon the story, but in terms of making the scene longer, and giving it room to breathe. Take more time to build up the generational tension between "Gator" and "Vince", so as that the scene builds to its climax in a way that doesn't seem so forced.
And so on.