Okay so I have this idea for a really simple yet dramatic short I'm thinking about doing. It will be about only 5 mins long. It begins with a telephone conversation of a girl breaking up with her boyfriend because he is very depressed even tho she still loves him. This causes the boy to want to kill him self. He writes a letter to his parents, and gets in his car and drives away. He drives for hours just thinking, and then slamms on his breaks in the middle of nowhere, pulls a gun out of his glovebox and holds it to his head. Right as he is about to pull the trigger, he notices a church on the corner of the barren intersection for which he is parked. He is terrified of dying and the church makes him find a reason to live. He puts down the gun in tears and thinks, when all of a sudden, a car comes from no where and slams into him and the screen goes black.
Just looking for some input. Also, i was thinking there should be a sign in front of the church that says something which corresponds to somethings his girlfriend said in the conversation. Any ideas as to what?
you seem to have your story straight in your mind, it would be a somewhat simple short to film (i won't go into the technical aspects of having people hit by cars), but i would like to know what your point is. what are you trying to say?
if it's just to shock your audience and have them go 'fuck, that was a downer.', then you're not really doing anything that hasn't been done before. unless you want to do that.
Just a suggestion:
Start the film with him driving, etc. Pulls over and pulls out the gun, pressing it to his temple. Eyes closed. Then just as he's about to pull the trigger, you can either:
A.) he sees the church and the sign with the writing on it. Then go to her voice over saying/repeating the words. CUT TO: flashback of the argument and what got him to that point. When the flashback is over, the words take on a whole new meaning, thus changing his snap decision.
B.) CUT TO: flashback of the argument and what got him to that point. He opens his eyes, indicating the flashback is over and instantly sees the church with the writing of the exact words of what was in their conversation - a literal 'sign'.
As for the ending, I'm agreeing with sphinx. What do you what to say? That he was destined to die? Or just making a Twilight Zone ending?
Anyway, good luck.
Is the ending saying ok, we all have to die sometime, but it's important that we at least realise the value of living before we go? So then the ending isn't a downer but kind of transcendental.
The problem is, as sphinx points out, that isn't exactly a new thing to say, and as far as I can tell the thing would be too short to really engage or generate much insight into the characters and make us care enough to feel any emotional shock etc. So it would just seem like you were making a quasi-religious statement which might come over as a bit pompous. It just seems a bit simplistic and hackneyed if the message is important to you - I mean, how many people really drive off and put a gun to their heads? If he was depressed enough to kill himself he wouldn't be capable of driving, you know? Unless he was in a kind of trance, in which case he wouldn't be 'terrified of dying' because it wouldn't be an issue. And why a church? Why can't the source of the sign be some other building/event/person/thing? (Like a harmonium, for example...)
But maybe all you really want to do is produce something slick with a sound structure, in which case I refer you back to Mac's suggestions.
Naah... It's just irony.
I love it.
I think the message is "shit happens" or "you can't choose how you go" with some hints to fate and destiny as well. I don't want it to became a religion think, or an anti-god think either cuz i am a christian, but i thought a church would be the best thing to use in order to show the boy life's worth living. I also pretty much wanted the end to just shock ppl leavin them starring at a blank screen just thinking. Its true that might be overdone so what else should i do? Something no one will expect or has ever seen before?
Well, upon reading the idea, I "got it". I think you should shoot it if you get a chance.
Thank you. I'll plan on shooting it by the end of the month.
Quote from: XixaxNaah... It's just irony.
I love it.
I meant to include a 'unless it's just s'posed to be ironic' but forgot, but that's partly what I meant by the slick thing.
If it's just that, then ok, but it seems like just a scene, then, out of context. Just a joke is alright, but it would have to be a bit more... um... 'original'. Personally I like my movies to be more than just 'oh look at this, isn't it funny?', which nothing ever only is anyway. Like it or not, there's always a context. I guess it depends on who your audience is though, and how wide you want it to be. And then that would affect whether you pushed yourself to do something no one has seen before and is a little less familiar, cause some people will be happy with a smash up as the ultimate in irony, but I'd be willing to bet that most people would just give a little chuckle and then instantly forget about it. What can you do to excite intelligence?
Sorry if this is a little over-critical, but I'm a bit bored of reading shorts that propose death as the most dramatic/amusing thing that can happen, and that sees some kid whining over his love life. I guess if doing this helps you on your way to learning the basics, it's ok, but isn't there anyone who's got even a feather's touch of Anderson or Lynch?
Cecil, have you got anything to show me?
JB, I know it's in there, buried deep in a frightening place.
Quote from: budgie
Cecil, have you got anything to show me?
/quote]
you talkin to me? im putting some final touches on my movie... but i just realised that i wont be getting the music for a while, so... it will take some time. sorry
Quote from: cecil b. dementedQuote from: budgie
Cecil, have you got anything to show me?
/quote]
you talkin to me? im putting some final touches on my movie... but i just realised that i wont be getting the music for a while, so... it will take some time. sorry
What's it about/like?
Sorry about the last rant, everyone. I don't mean to be harsh or put anyone off. I love reading about your ideas. Also, I just remembered redlum's trailer, and realised there are some different takes on stuff, ones that come from a more everyday place without compromising quirkiness.
Geez, doesn't anybody like life anymore?
Yeah, but life is so BORING!
I guess I'm alone in appreciating the irony of the story.
Quote from: NewtronGeez, doesn't anybody like life anymore?
no
Quote from: budgie
What's it about/like?
its like lynch meets godard.
Quote from: Xixax
I guess I'm alone in appreciating the irony of the story.
I appreciate it....o wait....I wrote it!
The last three stories you've said remind me a lot of the ideas I had when I first wanted to make a short film, I wanted to make something depressing (not that you are) and I wanted to show how I felt about life and after I looked at the idea after I wrote it down or told someone, it just bored the fuck out of me.
I mean. This doesn't bore me. But it doesn't interest me. It's just...cliche while trying not to be, which may be worse (for the story).
Another thing that reminds me of me is, I was very heavily influenced by PTA of course and was very into chance, etc:
Why would he stop in the middle of nowhere and not see the church?
Why does just seeing a church change him? I guess I'm fine with that point. But I can say that if I was intent on killing myself seeing a church would not stop it.
I don't know. You should make it just so you can grow. Good luck!
Quote from: Jon
I mean. This doesn't bore me. But it doesn't interest me. It's just...cliche while trying not to be, which may be worse (for the story).
Another thing that reminds me of me is, I was very heavily influenced by PTA of course and was very into chance, etc:
Why would he stop in the middle of nowhere and not see the church?
Why does just seeing a church change him? I guess I'm fine with that point. But I can say that if I was intent on killing myself seeing a church would not stop it.
thats all true. its like the end of your story is the first idea you got and everything that comes before it is just something you put in so it can lead up to your ending.
back when i was in cegep, many students would have similar ideas, where a guy or girl depressed about life cause he/ she got dumped wants to commit suicide but then dont because they see or realize something cliche. like they see a picture of their best friend or something. what you can do is play this short as a satire of student film. throw in all those cliches, all crappy made with the slow sad song playing, and then i think your ending would work.
Xeditor, I really don't like your idea. I'm sorry. I guess the reason I don't like it is that you haven't given me a reason to like it. And that church thing has to go. Why don't you use the gf in more than the crying jag scene? I do like your use of chance though, of him happening upon something that begins to change the course of his life, but I wouldn't pick a church and I wouldn't make it so immediate.....you have to reel him back in, slowwwwly, keep me interested for a bit longer....
I hope I wasn't too critical pal. Keep at it. :)