Feedback on script (kinda long)

ShanghaiOrange · December 10, 2003, 01:53:10 PM

I'm writing this piece of crap for a school assignment. Thanks.

1. Phone Call

INT. ROOM -DAY

A sparse room. A chair, a TV, a phone. JERRY, a twenty
something slacker looking guy, picks up the phone, dials.

JERRY
Will!

JERRY (CONT'D)
...Not much. How are you?

JERRY (CONT'D)
...Good. Listen, man, can you do me a
huge favor?

JERRY (CONT'D)
...Yeah, I remember.

JERRY (CONT'D)
...No. I won't...

JERRY (CONT'D)
Will, come on. I need your help.

JERRY (CONT'D)
...Yeah...your car...

Beat.

JERRY (CONT'D)
I need you to take me to Red Creek
City...

Beat.

JERRY (CONT'D)
What does it matter what I need to do
there?

Beat.

JERRY (CONT'D)
I need to go there to identify a body.

JERRY (CONT'D)
...My uncle.

JERRY (CONT'D)
...I'm his only, uh, living relative.

Beat.

JERRY (CONT'D)
...Well, they don't know that it's him.
It might not be him. That's why I have to
go to Red Creek City to identify it-him
the body.

Long beat.

JERRY (CONT'D)
I don't know how he died.

Beat.

JERRY (CONT'D)
...Listen man, can I please get a ride to
Red Creek? I'll pay for the goddamn gas.

Beat.

JERRY (CONT'D)
I know how far away it is. They can't
bring the goddamn body here.

JERRY (CONT'D)
Thank you, Will. Thank you.

FADE OUT

FADE IN
2. Pick up

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING -THE NEXT DAY

JERRY sits on the curb, a backpack over one shoulder, reading
a paperback. After a while, a beat up car pulls up. JERRY
marks his place with a playing card, puts the book in his
pack, and gets in the car.

INT. CAR -DAY

The car is strewn with CDs, cigarette packs. WILL sits in the
driver's seat. He's wearing shades and looks slightly more
motivated JERRY. He is speaking on a cell phone.

JERRY
Hey, man. Listen, I...

WILL
No, of course not. But...

Beat.

WILL (CONT'D)
Jen, I gotta go...

JERRY
...Tell her I said 'Hi'...

Beat.

WILL
Jerry says 'Hi.'

Beat.

WILL (CONT'D)
Jerry...Jerry, my friend, Jerry.

Beat.

WILL (CONT'D)
I'm taking him to Red Creek City. I told
you.

Beat.

WILL (CONT'D)
...to identify a body...his uncle...I
don't know...Jen. I gotta go.

Beat.

WILL (CONT'D)
He doesn't have a car!

Beat.

WILL (CONT'D)
I don't know. 2-3 hours.

Long beat.

WILL (CONT'D)
Sorry... I love you. Bye.

Beep. He hangs up.

JERRY
(nervous laugh)
Women! Right?

WILL faces JERRY, stares at him.

JERRY (CONT'D)
Anyway, man, I really appreciate this.

WILL keeps staring at JERRY.

JERRY (CONT'D)
What? What? Man, I can't tell what you're
looking at when you wear those.

WILL looks towards the road, starts the car.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

3. Driving

Jerry and Will sit silently while the drive down the highway.
Jerry coughs.

WILL
So this uncle...what's his deal?

Jerry coughs again.

JERRY
Um, well, I only ever met him twice. He
was in and out of prison a lot.

WILL
Oh?

JERRY
Uh, the, uh, first time... I was ten and
my mom took me to see him in prison.

WILL
Your mom took you to see him in prison?

JERRY
(nervous laugh)
Yeah? Can you believe it. I just sat
there while she talked to him through the
glass, the wire, the wall thing, ya know?

WILL
Yeah.

JERRY
And I remember him asking my mom, "What
the hell happened?" and then he just
started crying.
I remember it because it was the first
time I'd ever seen a grown man cry.

Will looks at Jerry.

JERRY (CONT'D)
And he just kept crying and saying "Sis,
what happened, Sis? What went wrong?"

WILL
That's a bummer, man.

JERRY
Tell me about it. Taking a kid to see his
uncle in prison. Jeez.

Long beat. Will is cut off and he honks the horn.

WILL
Asshole! Can you believe it?

FADE OUT/IN

Still driving

WILL (CONT'D)
What was the second time?

JERRY
Huh?

WILL
The second time you saw your uncle.

JERRY
Oh. Uh, at the funeral...my mom's
funeral. He was one of the few people who
showed up. And it was weird. He just came
in, didn't say a word to anyone, not me,
not anyone. He didn't cry, or anything,
either.

WILL
Huh.

JERRY
...and when the service was over, he was
the first to leave.

WILL
Did you cry?

Jerry scratches his forehead.

JERRY
No. No, I don't think so.

FADE OUT/IN

Will lights a cigarette.

Jerry coughs.

WILL
Music?

JERRY
Yeah...yeah, sure.

Will puts in a CD.

Rock music plays very loudly, Will turns it down.

WILL
Sorry.

Will takes a drag.

JERRY
Who is this?

WILL
I don't know. It's a mix.

JERRY
Oh.

FADE OUT/IN

JERRY (CONT'D)
What about you? You ever go to a funeral?

WILL
Uh...

Will throws his cig out the window.

WILL (CONT'D)
Yeah. Two. Well, three, if you count the
cat I had when I was a kid.

JERRY
Yeah. Yeah, that counts.

WILL
Yeah, okay, well, three then. The, uh,
the first I don't really remember too
well, but, uh, well it was this friend of
my dad. He had a, uh, heart attack, or
something, I think. Anyway, my dad bought
me a comic book after that for being so
well-behaved. And then, uh, when I was
11...

JERRY
Can we get off here real quick, man?

WILL
Yeah, I could use a quick break, too.

They exit off the highway and pull up at rest stop. They both
get out.

EXT. REST STOP -DAY

JERRY
You want me to, like, drive, for awhile?

They start walking towards the rest stop.

WILL
The insurance doesn't cover it.

JERRY
Oh.

INT. REST STOP -DAY

WILL
So anyway, my cat, my cat died of old
age, I guess, and my dad buried it. And
that was that.

They walk to the back, towards the restrooms.

INT. RESTROOM -DAY

WILL
And the last funeral I went to was only a
few months ago, actually.

Jerry goes in the stall, Will stands before a urinal.

WILL (CONT'D)
It was my aunt. Lung cancer. Pretty
surreal actually. But she left me some
money, anyway.

EXT. REST STOP -DAY

WILL
You know what? Screw the insurance. You
drive.

JERRY
Yeah, okay.

FADE OUT/IN

INT. CAR -DAY

Jerry drives. Will is asleep in the passenger seat, snoring
loudly.

FADE OUT/IN

INT. CAR -NIGHT

Jerry parks in a hospital parking lot. He pulls out his
wallet, removes a slip of paper, and gets out.

FADE OUT/IN

INT. CAR -NIGHT

Jerry gets back in the driver's seat. He pokes Will.

JERRY
Wake up, man.

Will groggily gets up.

JERRY (CONT'D)
You wanna see a movie or something?

Will sits up.

WILL
What? Where are we?

JERRY
We're at the hospital.

WILL
A movie...? What, the hospital? Your
uncle?

JERRY
Yeah, yeah, it was him. You wanna see a
movie or something?

WILL
Well, what happened?

JERRY
What happened? Oh, well, he was stabbed.

WILL
Oh. Well...

JERRY
Come on, man, let's go see a movie.

Jerry starts the car.

WILL
Why didn't you wake me up? I wanted to
see.

JERRY
You're a morbid son of a bitch, you know
that? It was a dead body. My dead uncle.
Pretty surreal actually.

WILL
Huh?

JERRY
It's just a dead person, man. I doesn't
mean anything. People die all the time.

WILL
Yeah, yeah.

JERRY
This is America.

WILL
What?

JERRY
I said, "People die all the time."

WILL
Yeah.

FADE OUT/IN

EXT. STREET -NIGHT

Will and Jerry walk down the block. Will talks on his cell
phones.

WILL
So, yeah, I was his uncle.

Beat.

WILL (CONT'D)
He was stabbed. He was stabbed, right?

Jerry nods.

WILL (CONT'D)
He was stabbed.

Beat.

WILL (CONT'D)
I don't know who stabbed him. How should
I know that? You know who stabbed him?

Jerry shakes his head. They reach the movie theater.

WILL (CONT'D)
Jerry doesn't know, either. Listen, we're
gonna see a movie now.

Beat.

WILL (CONT'D)
Of course not "Flowers." I know you
wanted to see "Flowers."

Beat.

WILL (CONT'D)
Jen, I'll be back tomorrow. We can go out
and do something, we'll see "Flowers"
then.

Beat.

WILL (CONT'D)
Ok, love you. Bye.

They approach the ticket counter.

WILL (CONT'D)
Two for uh, "The Molotov Experiment"
please.

TICKET SELLER
That'll be 16 dollars. And sir, we ask
that you please turn your cell phone off
during the movie for the courtesy of the
other patrons.

Will turns his cell phone off.

WILL
It's off.

The ticket seller gives him the tickets.

TICKET SELLER
Enjoy the movie, sir.

Jerry and Will walk in to theater.

FADE OUT

The end.

Feedback on script (kinda long)

ShanghaiOrange