My First Screenplay, Please Read

[SHAFTR]

Alright...here is my first screenplay, it is a short.  It is a rather personal story and this is only the second draft.  The vision in my head is probably more clear than it is on paper.  I would appreciate any suggestions/advice/comments/compliments/criticisms of it.

Here is the link to it.

http://www.spacestar.net/users/klumley/firstscript4.htm

Thanks

EDIT:  Now the 3rd Draft.

[Ghostboy]

I just read it, and I'm at work right now so I don't have time to go into it in-depth (will later). But I think what's going on in the scenes far outweighs what the characters are saying in them, if that makes any sense. I think the dialogue could use some work (I can tell it's personal, I think, and when something I'm writing is personal, I have to fight myself to follow the 'less is more' rule), but you've got some good material here. Particularly with the bowling, which can be the perfect visual depiction of catharsis for emotional trauma. Be back later.

[SHAFTR]

Yes, the dialogue is really tough for me.  My first rewrite really did improve it but it still needs some work.  Anyways, I'll anxiously await your more indepth reply.

[Raikus]

I can certainly tell it's a deeply personal story. The dialogue is average, but then again it usually is in times of tragedy. I'd have Kevin and Natalie struggle a little more with their replies when they find out about Paul's Mom. Have them say the typical response and then show the aggrivation of trying to come up with something comforting that isn't patronizing.

It's tough to see how it would turn out from the screenplay. I can see about 4 or 5 different versions running through my head.

I'd put more silences in. Maybe a few more metaphors. You have a great title cards but they fooled me a little bit. I was waiting for this kite metaphor to come in (like him seeing someone flying it while he talked to Natalie and then it catching the wind and tangle up in a tree--something that would visually show his frustration with the situation) and it never happened. Not that it's criticism, but the feeling I had while reading it.

It's still a great division with the cards. Really makes it flow. My only real suggestion would be to add more visually to the script. Take advantages of silence or of background noise. Let the characters get uncomfortable (after all, it's an uncomfortable situation), then show the pain and resolution in the second half. I think it would really hit just where you're wanting it to go.

And as always, best of luck.

[SHAFTR]

The Title cards are actually a haiku by Yosa, and since it is very very old, I'm guessing I can use it as long as I give it credit during the credits.

I was thinking about visually showing the haiku but I'm afraid that would just be to obvious.

[SHAFTR]

I have since changed the link to my 3rd draft of the script, I think it is quite an improvement over the last...so please read it, if you have a chance.

http://www.spacestar.net/users/klumley/firstscript3.htm

[Alethia]

i like it.....im going to say what most others did tho, you really need to work on dialogue...but you're definitly on the right foot

[Ghostboy]

Sorry it took me so long to get back on this! I'm glad you got the second draft up, because it actually fixed some of the problems I had with the first version.

One of which was the beginning. The scene in the bathroom was a confusing way to begin. This new opening sets up the situation, and also Paul's friendship with Kevin, in a much more efficient way. The script feels more well-rounded now.

The telephone call is great. That's some of the best dialogue in the film. It's not too explicit, and it feels real. His followup conversation with Kevin is a little too blunt, though, starting with where Paul says that his mom has terminal cancer. Maybe it would be better for him to work his way around the subject? If he didn't say 'terminal' at this point, it would show that maybe he's trying to find some hope in the situation, even though he knows that it is hopeless. The line "it's not your fault" feels a little too cliched, also.

Maybe, before the scene of him falling asleep, you could show him pulling out a suitcase and listlessly throwing a few things in it. Cutting from him going to sleep to waking up again feels rather pointless, other than to show the passage of time.

The first conversation with Natalie are sort of the weakest point. He says a lot things that feel obvious. Again, maybe less is more...and if you have a lot of silent moments, maybe the dialogue will all work.

I'm sure you have a good mental image of how the graveyard shots will work, but in the script they feel sort of unnecessary. You should make sure they'll serve a purpose to the visual narrative.

I still love the bowling scene. That's the best part of the movie. But I think you can cut the scene where they leave the alley, because Paul's appreciation is already understood, and stating it is unnecessary.

I like the last conversation with Natalie (and I think you should consider playing his phone call to her against black...it just feels right for some reason, to me at least). I especially like the way he says 'Kevin and I went bowling last night' and nothing else is made of it. Ending with him driving off is a perfect ending.

The script reminds me a lot of 'Love Liza.' It feels like it will be the basis for a film that is a lot longer than what you have here on paper...no extra scenes, necessarily, but the scenes that are here will play a lot longer than they read. This is a good thing, I think.

[SHAFTR]

Ghostboy,
I read a synopsis on Love Liza and it does sound similiar, oh well.  I agree with the less is more and I am going to try to trim the dialogue.  I picture Travis in Taxi Driver and a picture is worth a thousand words.  I really appreciate you taking a look at this...are you interested in seeing more drafts as they are finished?

Thanks again
-Rob

[Ghostboy]

Don't worry, it's not similar to Love Liza in content, mainly just in tone. Which is a good thing. Definitely feel free to provide updates...I'll keep reading them!

[aclockworkjj]

Well, Ghostboy did such a good job, that I don't know what to say.  But I told ya I would read this so I did...Overall, I like the tone a lot...then again, I liked Love Liza as well, so I can definately see the reference.  The dialogue I think, is simple, but in a good way...though, I think it will depend on who's palyin' the parts.  Some can be simple and amazing.  I think this could be a great example of this.  

The only real suggesstion I have....and more of one in general than for this.  And really only to suggest something.  Is we are told "to write what you know"...now, I might be out there on this, as I actually know you...but, still write with what you know, but change the content.  For instance...if you have a story like this, and it hits on a personal level...you have more options with characters, plot, etc. than just the college aged kids.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change this, but in the future, just keep it in mind. Going out on a limb, but I feel like Paul is you.  Not a bad thing, but try thinkin' about  the same character as a 35 year old man...just as an exercise...How would he react differently?  Would dialogue be the same?

I have the same problem...I tend to end up with this story about a bunch of 20 something and gets worn out for me.  I think taking the same characters and thinking about how it would be different if, say they were older/ younger...also helps to develop them even if you keep the college age  realm.  

Overall, I really liked it though, even thou it kinda hits a little too close   to home for me.  Ever think about developing this into a full-length?