New Script: TJ, 50+ pages, feedback appreciated

subversiveproductions · July 03, 2003, 07:40:50 AM

Hey, I've been working on this for a couple months, and I get the distinct feeling that it's become completely muddled into a bad teen flick. Any feedback would be great. Check it out: TJ

Ghostboy · July 03, 2003, 01:59:06 PM

I just finished it. I can't say that I liked it...I don't want to be too harsh, but it feels really derivative of all sorts of things. 'Fight Club,' for one, and I've never read a good script inspired by 'Fight Club,' especially when a character says "I am so and so's such and such sense of this or that." Some things are too distinct to pay homage to without coming off as a ripoff.

Your pacing is good, the energy is high and some of the jump cuts are fairly creative. It's a quick read, and you do a really god job at conveying the way the film will look on screen. But it also has a been there, done that feel, and the hip cynicism of the VO felt really tiresome. Quoting that Freshman song at the end seemed trite, but that's possibly because I really don't like that song. Much of the dialogue was hollow, which I guess is the point, since the characters are all hollow, but that conversation at the beginning of the movie felt like bad Kevin Smith/Tarantino stuff.

I liked when the story went off to follow Rodrigo for a little while; that was the best part of the piece.

I really hate laying into it like this, and I think you should probably seek a second opinion. But if it's any consolation, I think that you do have a flair for screenwriting, and even if people don't like this script (like me), you should keep working on this. Rock on.

subversiveproductions · July 04, 2003, 06:36:21 AM

hey, no worries at all, i've been needing some actual criticism. (i get enough of "oh my gosh honey, it's so good" from my mom). i definitely agree about the dialogue, i think it's too hollow for some of the characters. i really wanted to give them a sort of humanity (especially riley and lacey), and i think i came up short. thanks for the comments, seriously. anyone else?

OmegaSlacker · July 08, 2003, 09:20:02 PM

All in all, a good script. For the most part, I enjoyed reading it.
A few points:

The dialouge could be a little better. The one scene where they're talking about cartoons they watched as children could be a memorable scene if you made interesting or unique points about one or two shows instead of "Remember this show?" "Yeah, that ruled. Remember the other show?" "Yeah, that show ruled too." Granted, that is probably a realistic conversation and you're trying to make some realistic, but every movie has to offer at least a little bit of escapism, and if someone wanted to hear a "Yeah, that show ruled" conversation, they could just go to a local bar or something and listen to everyone talk about the good ole' days (or listen to a Bruce Springsteen song).

I didn't notice the page count, but it doesn't seem like a full length script. If you were to make it a full 90-120 page script and flesh out the stories more, or go deeper into the events that happen, such as the gang at the club or give more of the guy who delivers the mail/pizza, you could possibly tell a better story.

All in all, it was a good read and I think you have a solid template for future revisions. Good luck and I hope to see more on the script poster here.

subversiveproductions · July 09, 2003, 08:09:19 AM

thanks a lot omega! yeah, it's not quite feature length (55 pages or so), but i wanted to put what i had up here to get some feedback before i go back and add anything. i definitely think you're right about that section of dialogue about the cartoons, i was going for realism and i think it got to real. (i.e. boring.) thanks for the input!

tdotfilmfan · July 23, 2003, 11:51:08 PM

Yeah I liked it. I thought it was a good read and pretty good portrayal of teenage life (I myself fall into that age group). It does play out too much like a Larry Clark movie though. Also don't put camera angles on the piece. They are for the director to decide (you prolly are intending on directing the piece yourself so it doesn't really matter what you do with your script). I found them quite annoying, and they interfered with myself being able to read the dialogue. Your characters seem somewhat under developed. Although how much character do teenage guys have - all we wanna do is drink, eat and fuck. Some of those drug shots you came up, have already been used, and are somewhat cliched now. I really really really liked how you showed a shot young character, then went back to present day. That was really cool.

Overall, your piece is really good, I liked how it was written and it did have nice pacing and good flow.

subversiveproductions · July 24, 2003, 05:54:17 AM

Thanks for reading! In terms of the camera angles, I am definitely planning on directing this myself, and normally I still wouldn't have put the camera angles, but I tried to do it in a couple of scenes where I thought it would help the reader understand what I had in mind. As far as the drug shots, which ones did you find to be cliches? I don't want it to look like a Requiem rip off or something, but the sequence in the liquor store is supposed to be a small homage, maybe it doesn't work.

Thanks again!

tdotfilmfan · July 24, 2003, 01:47:04 PM

Yeah most of them are a little too like pulp fiction/reqiuem. Its hard to show people doing drugs creatively these days. I liked that reference to Fight Club though, I thought it was funny.

Overall bro I like your script, some of the visuals you created were great (the wheelchair, the past then present).

The only real problem I had that it isn't memorable. Try to tweak your story by adding more layers to your scenes or characters. Give it something that makes it standout. One good thing though is that you didn't have any cheasy love stories, or anything like that. Keep that part, but give your characters more of an edge.

Pozer · July 30, 2003, 03:29:56 AM

Quote from: Ghostboy"I am so and so's such and such sense of this or that."

that's a great line, mind if I steal it

Ghostboy · July 30, 2003, 04:33:58 AM

No, go right ahead....

...and Subversive, I've thought about your script in the weeks since I posted that review, and I think the majority of my problems with it could be excised by removing the voice over. Just a thought....

subversiveproductions · July 30, 2003, 06:04:37 AM

i think the main problem with the voice over is that the tone does not mesh with the rest of the dialogue, so it just comes off as very heavy handed and trying too hard i think. i'm not sure if i want to take out the voiceover, or try to thicken up the dialogue a little bit. thanks for the input all.