"In Mysterious Ways" Stupid Fun. A Short Script f

[OmegaSlacker]

I'm not looking too much for any responses or anything, just putting this out there for laughs. I didn't take it too seriously when I wrote it, just wrote it for the hell of it. I don't plan on doing anything with it as a whole piece (I have used a few parts in other scripts though).  Comments are welcome and feedback as well, but just remember, it's nothing to take seriously, just out there for some dumb laughs.  WARNING: If you are offended by humor that pokes fun at religion, or take offense to vulgarity, this script is not for you.


INT. A LIVING ROOM - DAY
A limited amount of furniture and a small screen television fill up the living room among little else. Three twenty-two year old white males sit in the room. ISHMAEL TWISTINGTON, JOHN SANCHEZ, and BACHMAN TURNER (O.D.) sit in chairs and drink beer.

O.D.
I'm a fucking loser? It's not like you're lighting the sex world on fire either.

TWIST
That's the truth. If it weren't for comas, I'd never get laid. It's getting to the point where I might have to go hoggin'.

SANCHEZ
Hoggin'?

TWIST
Picking out the largest girl in the room and ride her like a bull.

SANCHEZ
For eight seconds only?

TWIST
Seven, eight, nine. Whatever it takes.

O.D.
That's retty pathetic, don't you think?

TWIST
I try not to, and hey, a man's got to do what a man's got to do and I just may have to revert to my high school ways and start lining up and knocking out the big girls again.

SANCHEZ
By knocking out, you mean like off a list?

TWIST
No, like out cold. They squeal less that way.

Twist takes a drink of his beer.

TWIST (CONT'D)
That gives me an idea. Any of you guys up for pizza?

SANCHEZ
Again? We just had pizza yesterday, and the day before if I remember right.

TWIST
I eat pizza six days a week and pussy on Sunday. Keeps my figure in tact.

SANCHEZ
Let's eat.

Twist pulls out his cell phone and dials a number. He puts the phone to his ear.

TWIST
Yeah, this is Twist. I need the regular order delivered to the regular place.
(Beat)
Yeah, I know the price.

Twist hangs up his phone and puts it in his pocket. He turns to Sanchez and O.D.

TWIST (CONT'D)
That shit will be here in no time.

Twist takes a drink out of his beer and there is a knock at the door. Twist looks over at the other two with an impressed look on his face.

TWIST (CONT'D)
Fuck, that was quick.

Twist stands up from his seat and walks over to the door. The person knocking is not visible.

TWIST
Hello Father Gills.

Twist turns to Sanchez and O.D.

TWIST (CONT'D)
Anybody order a Jehovah's?

Twist turns back to the door and Father Gills.

TWIST (CONT'D)
What can I do for you, Father?

A white male, age thirty-seven, becomes visible in the doorway. FATHER GILLS is decked out in a complete priest outfit, including the white collar.

FATHER GILLS
Can we talk my son?

Twist looks over at Sanchez and O.D. who are both shaking their head no, frantically.

TWIST
Sure, come on in. Want a beer?

Father Gills enters the house. He and Twist walk back to where Sanchez and O.D. are seated. Twist and Father Gills sit down.

FATHER GILLS
Gentlemen. How are we this fine and glorious day the Lord has bestowed upon us?

SANCHEZ
I'm cool.

O.D.
No complaints.

SANCHEZ
I have to apologize father, but O.D. and I were just on our way out. Maybe we can catch you some other time?

FATHER GILLS
Of course, my son. You two have a blessed day.

O.D.
You too.

Sanchez and O.D. get up from their seats in a hurry and almost sprint to the front door.

TWIST
Hey! What about the pizza?

SANCHEZ
What pizza?

Sanchez and O.D. walk out the door. Father Gills and Twist are left alone in the living room.

FATHER GILLS
You know, I've always wondered why he is called O.D.

TWIST
You never heard the story?

FATHER GILLS
No, I don't recall having so.

TWIST
It's a good one. It starts off with Frank Turner, O.D.'s dad. Frank was a roadie for Bachman Turner Overdrive in the seventies or something like that. Frank got Kristal, that's O.D.'s mom. Kristal Glass. You wouldn't think parents would name a kid something like that, but my parents named me fucking Ishmael.

FATHER GILLS
Ishmael is a fine name.

TWIST
If you're hunting Moby fucking Dick, it's a great name, but I don't hunt whales. I prefer my catches to be a little more slim. Anyway, I think Kristal's parents were beatniks. So Frank is working this show in Detroit with Bachman Turner Overdrive. Frank meets Kristal in the crowd and he gets her backstage where she proceeded to have sex with one of the band members.

FATHER GILLS
Oh my.

TWIST
Go figure, huh? Who knew they did that kind of thing backstage at rock shows? Anyways, Frank left the business after that and the two of them have been together ever since. Nine months after they first met, O.D. was born. They named him Bachman because they're both big time BTO fans and they already had the Turner surname. Frank and Kristal caught a BTO reunion concert a few years later. The story is she ran into the same band member again and nine months after that, O.D. has a little sister named Kathleen.

FATHER GILLS
Kathleen Turner?

TWIST
I guess the parents are big fans of her too. So we call him O.D., which is short for Overdrive, as in Bachman Turner.
(Beat)_
Plus, he has a bit of a drinking problem.

FATHER GILLS
That's an interesting story.

TWIST
Isn't it?

Father Gills nods.

TWIST (CONT'D)
How're things over at the parish?

FATHER GILLS
Not well. Not well at all. Numbers are low, donations are down, and the funds we have just can't cover the repairs we need. We can't figure out anyway to bring the people in.

TWIST
People would go to church more often if it weren't so bothersome. I mean, seriously, who the hell wants to get up at seven-thirty in the morning, in the fucking morning, on a Sunday? Isn't Sunday a day of rest by God's decree? Fuck Father, you put church on a Wednesday evening at say six o'clock and you'll have motherfuckers flocking in like you're passing out free alcohol. Speaking of.

Twist reaches into the case of beer and pulls out two beverages. He sets one in front of him and offers the other to Father Gills. Gills refuses, shaking his head. Twist shrugs, puts the beer away and cracks open his own, taking a drink.

FATHER GILLS
You seem to suffer from the disease of alcoholism.

TWIST
I happen to enjoy it, actually.

FATHER GILLS
Have you ever thought of quitting? The Lord can help you overcome your demons, my son.

TWIST
Why quit?

FATHER GILLS
Is that your way of admitting you can't quit?

TWIST
It's not that I can't, I just don't see the point. Nobody likes a quitter and quitters never win, right?

FATHER GILLS
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art by my side.

TWIST
Yeah, that's cool and all. I'm feeling that and I'm down with the Good Lord. I know he'll help me out when I need him to have my back, but where's he at when I need help getting laid? If God is supposed to be on my team, wouldn't he run interference and take one for the team when it comes to me getting down?

FATHER GILLS
Are you married to this particular female you wish to engage in intercourse with?

TWIST
No, but I think somebody else might be.

FATHER GILLS
The commandment says thou shalt not commit adultery, which is a very worthwhile lesson. You should rethink this attempt at an affair. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.

TWIST
She's not my neighbor, so that takes care of that problem.

FATHER GILLS
A grave mistake will be made if you persist in this undertaking. Adultery leads to nothing but conflict.

TWIST
Shit, the King of Pop taught us that back in the eighties. "Billie Jean is not my lover, she's just a girl who thinks that I am the one." And he had a better beat than your broken down organ.

FATHER GILLS
Yes that is true, Michael did have a better beat, but he also had Quincy Jones. We do not.

TWIST
That's a good point.

FATHER GILLS
However, the word of the lord teaches us many things.

TWIST
Yeah, but what's with that motherfucker? Does He have an inferiority complex or something? He can be the only God, the only savior. What's that all about? Isn't that a monopoly?

FATHER GILLS
Did you just refer to the almighty as a Mother-F-er?

TWIST
He has a son, right?

FATHER GILLS
Jesus Christ, who died for our sins and was resurrected three days later to sit at the right hand of the Lord.

TWIST
What do I care about the resurrection? I'm just trying to use my erection.

FATHER GILLS
Have you ever thought about a tour as a missionary to cleanse your soul and find yourself?

TWIST
The only thing I know about a missionary is the position.

FATHER GILLS
I think it would serve you well.

TWIST
You know what would serve me even better? If we got back on to track with our previous conversation.

FATHER GILLS
If you wish.

TWIST
Now, God, the Lord above, he has a son, right?

FATHER GILLS
Yes, Jesus Christ.

TWIST
Then obviously He fucked somebody's mother, so He is a motherfucker, regardless of what highly opinions you have. Don't sweat it, though. We all are.

FATHER GILLS
Our Lord did not have sexual relations with the Virgin Mary, who was a married woman at the time of our savior's birth.

TWIST
Which leads me to my next point; what's she doing having someone else's baby if she's already married? And I find it pretty hard to believe that a woman her age, let alone a pregnant woman her age, never had her boots knocked, especially back then when infidelity was treated in the same manner as goat trading. Did she hit God up with child support? And what's up with God being the almighty, all knowing ruler of the universe and a deadbeat dad at the same time? He didn't talk to his own son for thirty-three years. That's pretty bad parenting if you ask me.

Father Gills leans back in his seat, eyes open wide in surprise. He takes a moment to recompose. He looks Twist right in the eyes.

FATHER GILLS
Jesus lives, you know. He walks among us.

TWIST
Does that mean Easter's cancelled?

FATHER GILLS
Have you found Jesus, my son?

TWIST
I didn't know he was missing. Is there a reward?

FATHER GILLS
Only a reward of spirituality.

TWIST
What the shit kind of reward is that?

FATHER GILLS
A reward of spirituality cannot be determined in monetary value, my son.

TWIST
What's with the "my son" deal?

FATHER GILLS
Do the bidding of the lord and we are all his sons.

TWIST
Wouldn't that make you more of an uncle who visits my mom on a regular basis while dad's out of town, though?

Father Gills looks at his watch and mock looks surprised. He stands up.

FATHER GILLS
I must apologize, but I am dearly late for another appointment.

Twist stands up and he and Father Gills walk to the front door.

TWIST
Don't worry about it. I understand. A man in your position is quite busy. I'd like to be getting busy in a few different positions myself if you know what I mean.

Twist laughs and gives Father Gills a little nudge. Father Gills smiles nervously.

FATHER GILLS
Thank you for your time.

TWIST
Don't mention it, man. And keep your head up. Don't let those nuns discourage you. You're bound to get laid eventually. Lose the collar, though. It makes you look like a pedophile.

Father Gills hurriedly exits the door. Twist holds the door open and watches him walk away.

TWIST (CONT'D)
(Calling after Father Gills)
And next time you stop by, bring some of that wine.

Twist walks back to his chair and sits down. He takes a drink of his beer.

TWIST (CONT'D)
(Talking to himself)
Now that guy is one confused motherfucker.

Twist picks up the remote control and starts flipping through the channels on the television.