Oh Kirstie...

Started by bluejaytwist, March 23, 2005, 11:55:43 AM

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Judge Rules that Kirstie Alley Can Reinsert Feeding Tube
By Chip Hilton
LOS ANGELES – A superior court judge in Los Angeles County has ruled that Kirstie Alley can reinsert the feeding tube she has worn for the last fifteen months. The squadron of lawyers representing the billowy star of Showtime's Fat Actress series convinced the judge that the tube, which is attached to a converted colostomy bag containing liquid snack food, is necessary for maintaining Ms. Alley's weight and, therefore, keeping her career alive. Without the tube, the lawyers argued successfully, their client would have to spend so much time eating she would be unable to leave her house long enough to work.

The National Association of Actors, Critics, and Pundits (NAACP), on the other hand, argued that despite the hoopla surrounding Fat Actress, Ms. Alley's career is in a vegetative state from which it has no chance of recovering. Instead of allowing it to linger in this state, the career should allowed to die naturally and with what little dignity it and Ms. Alley have left.

"Of course Ms. Alley can still behave in a crude and deplorable manner as she does in Fat Actress and her Pier One commercials," said Karen Reid, president of the NAACP, "but such simplistic, reflexive behavior does not rise to the level of acting that constitutes a quality career. It is, in fact, a bloated mockery of a career."

The debate over who has the right to say whether a career should be allowed to live or die has turned into a national food fight. Supporters of Ms Alley, such as recovering disco icon John Travolta, former actress Melissa Gilbert, public doofus Kid Rock, and the Lane Bryant stores, argue that as long as a career shows even the most elementary signs of life, its sanctity must be defended.

"Besides," Travolta argues, "there's always the possibility of a miracle. A lot of people wanted to pull the plug on my career at one time, but it staged a miraculous comeback in spite of me. Maybe Kirstie's career can do the same."

Travolta told reporters he was willing to do "whatever it takes" to keep Ms. Alley's career alive, "even if that means appearing with her in another Look Who's Talking."

The NAACP's Reid called that notion cruel and self-serving. "What's next," she asked, "Ms. Alley dressed as a heifer starring in a reality show called "Veronica's Salt Lick?"

In related news, Rosie O'Donnell has challenged Alley to get weighed, "right here and right now" on the television show of her choosing. O'Donnell issued the challenge after reading that Alley said she weighed 210 pounds.

She must have gotten weighed with only one foot on the scale," wrote O'Donnell in a recent entry on her Web blog, Fat Lesbian. "I'm 218 pounds, so she's gotta be like 248."

"Ro's" newest "poem"

Her latest poem about Alley:

the phone
kirstie w/ hurt feelings
i am sorry
4 that

but not the joke
the comment
the truth
about myself
at 220 - now

stand up
that feeling
like rap i imagine
spittin it - yellow

only the truth is funny

never been joan
kickin people when they are down
too ez - not me
u r not the target

once skinny u
cannot imagine fat sex
ouch - that hurts
even with the giggle

feels like u r visiting
planet fattie
temporary visa
pointing at us

we are very sensitive
it's not about u
kirstie -
u r a funny beauty
still - always

and on a side note
the best thing about blogging
is not having to call your publicist
to talk to people
no interpreters
direct me

out it flows
on dead mommy day
quicker then a ray of light

posted by RO at 2:30 PM Comments (91)

Care to read more terrible poems? I must warn you, they are heavily cryptic, and a bit difficult to understand (much like the one above) -- repeat readings should shed light on their meanings tho.

cigarettes & red vines - pt anderson definitive resource

fortyfps productions