A dime a dozen, but here's my addition:

Started by The Perineum Falcon, July 29, 2003, 02:21:40 AM

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The Perineum Falcon

July 29, 2003, 02:21:40 AM
First post, and to lay on the uneasiness even more, I thought I'd share the first scene of the first draft of my "screenplay." Note the quotations for I will be damn lucky if I actually finish this one.
I realize that perhaps this isn't the best way to show character introductions, but I'm working on it. I'm not sure of what else to say besides "enjoy all that you can!":

FADE IN:
EXT. OUTSIDE RESTAURANT – MIDDAY

DAVID LYNN (19) and best friend MICHEL DUNNERY (20) eat their traditional lunch together: French Fries and Hamburgers. David is having a coke; Michel is having a sweet tea. David’s face lights up with a smile from ear to ear.

MICHEL
The fuck are you smiling about?

DAVID
Do what?

MICHEL
What are you smiling about?

DAVID
Uh, nothing. I wasn’t smiling.

MICHEL
Yes you were. You looked ready to go frolic in a fucking forest.

DAVID
Really?
(Michel nods)
Oh, hm, I didn’t know I was.

MICHEL
You’re forgiven—as long as you tell me what you’re so goddamn happy about.

DAVID
Nothing.

MICHEL
Okay, whatever dude. Keep your secrets. Just a little strange to see you, of all people, just start smiling. And it sure as fuck ain’t the shit we’ve been eating. Why’d we even come here in the first place?

David laughs but keeps to himself. Moments pass and Michel tries his hand again.

MICHEL
Dude, you gonna tell me or not?

DAVID
Tell you what?

MICHEL
Quit it. You piss me off when you do that.

DAVID
(Laughing)
It’s probably this girl.

MICHEL
(Nodding)
Mhmm....

DAVID
I met someone, obviously. She’s awesome. We talked, laughed, joked. You know, all the good stuff.

MICHEL
So, who is she? What’s her name and place of work?

DAVID
Yeah, I dunno.

MICHEL
Major? Sign?

DAVID
Yeah, that too. I don’t know it.

MICHEL
Wow. Sounds serious. Proposed yet?

DAVID
(Laughing)
Shut up, ass. You know how I am.

MICHEL
A ball-less, sacless freak?

DAVID
Anyway, I don’t know much about her; just that she’s in one of my classes.

MICHEL
Didn’t the new semester start, like, yesterday?

DAVID
Uh, yeah. Why?

MICHEL
She must be something good.

David nods and both continue eating. The waiter drops off the check and Michel gives him his debit card.

MICHEL
(To waiter)
Thank you.
(To David)
But I’m happy for you buddy. Other than that, Mr. Director-Sir, how’s the film coming along?

DAVID
As good as can be. I’m still broke. I need a camera. Need actors. I need to finish my screenplay....

MICHEL
And I suppose that’s what I’m here for, right?

DAVID
You volunteered, Mr. Producer.

MICHEL
Right. I guess I did. Well, I’ve come up with one way for both of us to make a little extra cash. Could be great fun, depending on your technique.

DAVID
Sorry?

MICHEL
A sperm bank, that is. Fifty dollars a week if you fill it right.

DAVID
Combined?

MICHEL
Uh, no. Each. That’s a hundred dollars total, if you don’t have your calculator handy. And supposedly, the more you do it, the more pay you receive. Some people make a living getting off.

DAVID
Wow. Who knew?

MICHEL
Yeah. I figure we do it anyway, might as well get paid for it, right? A quick, painless way to get a little dough in your flow.

The waiter returns with the receipt and Michel’s card. Michel signs the receipt and the waiter leaves.

MICHEL
So? What do you think?

DAVID
(Nodding)
Sounds good. When do we start?

MICHEL
Right now, if you want. Well, we can go to the bank now, I mean.

DAVID
Great. Alright. Let’s go, Mr. Producer.

Before they leave they drop a few dollars on the table for the waiter.
We often went to the cinema, the screen would light up and we would tremble, but also, increasingly often, Madeleine and I were disappointed. The images had dated, they jittered, and Marilyn Monroe had gotten terribly old. We were sad, this wasn't the film we had dreamed of, this wasn't the total film that we all carried around inside us, this film that we would have wanted to make, or, more secretly, no doubt, that we would have wanted to live.

Pubrick

#1
July 29, 2003, 02:39:03 AM
so.. David is Michel's bitch, right?

it flowed well, thought u would overload it with swearing like most ppl do, it was ok, didn't disgust me or anything.

nice first post. seems incomplete tho, and u might wanna tone down the latent homesexuality in the characters, unless that's what ur goin for.. cos i didn't believe that david would like a chick.
under the paving stones.

The Perineum Falcon

#2
July 29, 2003, 02:45:40 AM
Hard to tone down something when I can't see it....
Thanks for the reply though. I am now hard-pressed to find and remedy that problem.
Maybe I could have them discuss how sweet wet, hot vagina is....
We often went to the cinema, the screen would light up and we would tremble, but also, increasingly often, Madeleine and I were disappointed. The images had dated, they jittered, and Marilyn Monroe had gotten terribly old. We were sad, this wasn't the film we had dreamed of, this wasn't the total film that we all carried around inside us, this film that we would have wanted to make, or, more secretly, no doubt, that we would have wanted to live.

Pubrick

#3
July 29, 2003, 02:54:22 AM
well Michel is so obsessed with David smiling, and snaps at him like he's his bitch. i just don't know anyone who would be that interested in another man's facial expression unless they were going out or one of them had sum unresolved sexual issues, like the bully in Bully.
under the paving stones.

The Perineum Falcon

#4
July 29, 2003, 03:07:08 AM
That's a good point, I guess. I never quite saw it like that, because I figured most people, man or woman, would be interested why their dear friend/buddy/homie/nigga/dude/what-have-you is smiling for apparently no reason. I guess it comes off harsher than its intention. In Michel's case, "fuck" is just another word in his vocabulary, not neccessarily an indication of anger.
I'll see what I can do, if anything, to fix it though.
We often went to the cinema, the screen would light up and we would tremble, but also, increasingly often, Madeleine and I were disappointed. The images had dated, they jittered, and Marilyn Monroe had gotten terribly old. We were sad, this wasn't the film we had dreamed of, this wasn't the total film that we all carried around inside us, this film that we would have wanted to make, or, more secretly, no doubt, that we would have wanted to live.

OmegaSlacker

#5
July 29, 2003, 03:07:20 AM
I have to agree with P. I noticed it almost right away as well. One smiles and the other is obssessed with it. If a friend of mine was smiling for what seemed like no reason, I'd just be like "what are you smiling about?" and if they said "nothing", that'd be the end of it.

Your character jumps down his throat like "You're_my_bitch! You tell me what you're smiling about."  It was kinda scary, like watching Batman and Robin all over again.

Other than that, it seemed like a normal conversation.

I do have to say though..unless the movie making process you have referred to so far is a main part of the story, I'd say drop it since it seems kind of cliche.

I am interested to see what happens next though, but then again I have a weird knack for finding latent bickering entertaining (kidding).
But I am interested.
When I was just a baby, my momma told me, "Son, always be a good boy, don't ever play with guns." But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

The Perineum Falcon

#6
July 29, 2003, 03:19:33 AM
Quote from: OmegaSlackerI have to agree with P. I noticed it almost right away as well. One smiles and the other is obssessed with it. If a friend of mine was smiling for what seemed like no reason, I'd just be like "what are you smiling about?" and if they said "nothing", that'd be the end of it.

Your character jumps down his throat like "You're_my_bitch! You tell me what you're smiling about."  It was kinda scary, like watching Batman and Robin all over again.
I'm beginning to see it now. It would seem to be quite a bit of a problem.

Quote
Other than that, it seemed like a normal conversation.
grazie!

Quote
I do have to say though..unless the movie making process you have referred to so far is a main part of the story, I'd say drop it since it seems kind of cliche.
I was thinking along the lines of Fellini's 8 1/2. It's there, but not the story in its entirety. As in, there's much more that must be told besides the struggle of an uninspired auteur to write or finish his movie (or something similar). Does that make any sense?
We often went to the cinema, the screen would light up and we would tremble, but also, increasingly often, Madeleine and I were disappointed. The images had dated, they jittered, and Marilyn Monroe had gotten terribly old. We were sad, this wasn't the film we had dreamed of, this wasn't the total film that we all carried around inside us, this film that we would have wanted to make, or, more secretly, no doubt, that we would have wanted to live.

subversiveproductions

#7
July 29, 2003, 07:52:25 AM
personally, i thought the bit with the smiling could work.  i've seen this situation played out many times, with one friend wanting to know what the other friend is holding back, which is usually nothing important.  other than that, it definitely sounds like a conversation, but i hear conversations everywhere i go.  if this is your first scene, you might want to think about grabbing the audience a little more.  but like i said, i think it comes off very natural... just not terribly exciting.
www.bloodlessriot.blogspot.com
let me pour my heart out to you strangers.

www.anewnothing.com
smile from ear to blood-dripping ear

markums2k

#8
July 30, 2003, 11:07:15 AM
Another screenplay about falling in love.  Complete with buddies, and swearing, and eating... doesn't seem like you're breaking any new ground.  I really wouldn't be inclined to read more.

The dialogue flows exteremely well, though.  You should invest your talent in something with a more creative premise.

The Perineum Falcon

#9
July 30, 2003, 04:13:11 PM
Quote from: markums2kAnother screenplay about falling in love.  Complete with buddies, and swearing, and eating... doesn't seem like you're breaking any new ground.  I really wouldn't be inclined to read more.
Yeah. But this is a child who aspires to be more than "just another love story." Hopefully it will succeed in its attempts. If not becoming something more, maybe doing it better than most others.

Quote
The dialogue flows exteremely well, though.  You should invest your talent in something with a more creative premise.
Thank you. I take a certain pride in my dialogue. I do have other ideas, other stories to tell, but this particular one comes naturally and easier than some of the others right now. Just figured I would focus on this one and get it out of the way.

P.S. I edited a bit of the dialogue. It's a very minor change, but hopefully it's done its job. I tried to keep the main idea of Michel's interrogation without seeming like he was verbally assaulting David.

Thanks for the comments.
We often went to the cinema, the screen would light up and we would tremble, but also, increasingly often, Madeleine and I were disappointed. The images had dated, they jittered, and Marilyn Monroe had gotten terribly old. We were sad, this wasn't the film we had dreamed of, this wasn't the total film that we all carried around inside us, this film that we would have wanted to make, or, more secretly, no doubt, that we would have wanted to live.
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