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Xx

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« on: July 05, 2005, 07:06:49 AM »
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« Last Edit: June 20, 2014, 01:35:23 PM by flagpolespecial »

Pubrick

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stay with me (short film script)
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2005, 08:48:12 AM »
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well, u havn't changed ur style. another story where nothing happens and takes about 5 to 10 minutes to get there. that's not a good thing.

the first thing that made me want to stop reading were the long pauses. how do u expect to keep the audience interested if in the first 2 minutes of the story not only do the two characters just talk shit about nothing in particular but they supposedly pause for 5 seconds between each meaningless line.. the whole first part doesn't give us ANY reason to care about them. the only way i would even stay past the first minute is if Lisa was incredibly hot, like that melanie chick in big brother right now. dayum she is fine.

moments like this kill everything u've submitted so far:

MIKE: how old did he turn?

LISA: eleven

MIKE: one one

LISA: yeah

what was supposed to be the point of half that scene? see, u forget that the audience does NOT know the characters as well as u might. and having them talk about nothing all the time only makes us think "gee, these two ppl are the dullest ppl on the face of the earth, who CARES if they stay together or not, or whatever the hell is happening". and the thing about the references, forget that, tarantino is dead.. references only work when they are natural to the story. as in both stories hav touched upon a similar truth exemplified in the original material.

here's an exercise u might want to try, it's sumthing i made up but has probably been suggested in many good books about learning to write for cinema: don't write dialogue. simple as that. try writing a story that is told visually, u know, with no dialogue. this doesn't mean that ppl hav to DANCE (altho that's a good start feel free to use it), it just means u can't rely on dialogue to waste time, which seems to be its primary function in all ur scripts.

after a couple of simple silent shorts (i stress that word, short), u might start to see when dialogue is actually needed and what it can be used for. if question and answer is ur favourite way to use it, make a short based in a PRESS CONFERENCE. or even hav a press conference on one side of a wall, and a RAVE on the other side. wow, that's a brilliant idea.. don't waste it.
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Pozer

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stay with me (short film script)
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2005, 09:01:04 PM »
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This is actually great advice for all of us.  With my shorts, I seem to be way more interested in telling stories through visuals.  I find these ones way more intresting than say, my big 35mm short which was all dialogue.  I cringe at several spots in that film because it's all talky talky for 20 minutes.  

However, when you do start to play around with dialouge, YES, do make it short.  Here's a sample, one of the first shorts I made with dialouge.  I don't think I ever got around to titling it.

INT. DEN - DAY

DAD lies on the couch watching FOOTBALL on his BIG SCREEN TV.  SON sits in a chair nearby reading a magazine.

SON: Dad?

DAD: What?

SON: Do you think you'll ever watch Lethal Weapon 2 again in your lifetime?

DAD: What?

SON: Lethal Weapon 2. You think you'll ever watch it again?

DAD: (annoyed) I don't know, probably.  Why do you ask such retarded questions all the time?

SON: God, I was just trying to make conversation.

BEAT.  Wide shot of the two.

SON: Hey, Dad?

DAD: (closes eyes in frustration) What?

SON: What about T2?

Dad, ANNOYED AS HELL with his son, gets up and walks off...

INSERT -- hand placing DIE HARD 2 DISC in DVD player.

EMPTY COUCH --  Son plows down onto it with magazine in hand, basking in his glory.

CUT TO BLACK.

 

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