Author Topic: .: My First Short :. Please review  (Read 956 times)

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DJCHEEBA

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.: My First Short :. Please review
« on: November 17, 2004, 08:00:28 AM »
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Hey Everyone....I'm new to the site but I just thought I'd post my first short script on here and see what you guys think. Please be honest....explaining bad points aswell as good.

If you could please take a few minutes to read it, it would be much appreciated.



1st Draft Screenplay - 24/10/04

Artifical Happiness

By Daniel S. Tolliday

10 Minutes




The story of the last evening of a talented musician who succumbs to drug and alcohol addiction. Based on the last days of Jim Morrison- The Doors.

Characters

James
His addictive-compulsive personality, and un-natural outlook on life effects his mind in the ways in which he doesn't seem to be able to control or even understand. However, he is a natural creative genius. Not unlike Jim Morrison. He doesn't know whats good for him...

Sandy
She's the main influence behind James' behavior. Although James brings it upon himself, she gets him there, she provokes him...she intimdates him. She is his life. Together with the drugs they make the perfect threesome. But as we all do, she learns from her experiences.

Various Extras
Drug Dealer
People in the Crowd
Opening Performer



OPENING TITLE:

There's cocaine (flour) on a black backround. Spelling the words "Artificial Happiness"...The title of the film.

A 5 second beat, then it is blown away by a straw (which cannot be seen).


INT: THE TERMO - EVENING - ACOUSTIC NIGHT

Scene description: There's people everywhere, the sound of music, bright lights and heavy atmosphere. People are clapping, drinking up, and going wild.

We start at the lights at the top of the stage and pan across them into the crowd. To the small tables setting the scene for which is obviously an entertaining night. We scan the whole area, with a final shot of the person performing on stage. A un-named performer.

THEN A CUT

Scene Description: A fairly close veiw of James on stage. He is obviously under the influence of intoxicating substances. He speaks into the microphone, holding a beer in one hand.

JAMES (muttering)
Hey Everyone....I`ll be starting shortly....just waiting for the beer to kick in....

James has a swig of his beer, and slams it back down.

JAMES (seeming more focused)
Ahh....Ok that's better!

He picks up his glass, has another swig.

JAMES
Just remember....A night sober is a night wasted....but a night wasted... is really fun....

A beat. James starts playing a few chords on his guitar, before getting into the song "Artificial Happiness".  It is an electrical performance which gets everyone pumping.

After it is over.

JAMES
Yeeeah!!!!!

James puts down his guitar and walks off stage. As he walks off he is greeted by people congratulating him on his performance. He approaches his girlfriend who is at a small table, with open arms. Empty glasses are everywhere. They embrace each other.

SANDY
Aww...you were awesome!!!

JAMES
Thanks babe

Hold for a beat

SANDY
Hey...you wanna come outside? I wanna talk to you about somethin'.

James agrees and follows her out.

CUT TO-

EXT: THE TERMO - BEER GARDEN- EVENING

Scene Description: James and Sandy are both sitting at a small table with 2 chairs, under a light. We can see them from a front-on view of both of them in the picture. Both have drinks and smokes at the table with a large ashtray in the middle.

James ashes his ciggarette.

JAMES (wastedly)
I would never do crack....I would never do a drug that's named after a part of my own ass, okay?

SANDY (smiling)
Ok, Ok it was just a suggestion!

Sandy ashes her ciggarette, and has a draw.

SANDY
How about some coke, we haven't done it in days.

JAMES
You know that stuff makes me crazy....

SANDY
Awww come onnnnnn....

JAMES (giving up)
Ok ok....ill ring someone.

James reaches for his pocket and pulls out his phone.

JAMES (on the phone)
Hey man whats up.

Beat

JAMES
Just havin' a few drinks....lookin' to score....you got anythin'?.

Beat

JAMES
At the Termo

Beat

JAMES
Awesome, See ya soon.

James hangs up and puts his phone back into his pocket, and winks at Sandy. She smiles.


EXT: THE TERMO - CAR PARK - EVENING

Scene Description: It is a dark car park, a few parked cars around, otherwise fairly quiet. We can see 2 cars. Focusing on James and Sandys car.

As James gets out of the car from the drivers side, we pan across to the other car. The person in the other car opens their window. We can see that an exchange is taking place, but exactly what, we don't know. Although it's obvious.

After the exchange, they shake and the driver of the other car drives off as James walks back to his car.

INT: JAMES' CAR - EVENING

Scene Description: We are in the back seat of the car. James opens the door and gets in. He throws a bag of cocaine onto Sandys lap.

SANDY (with a smile on her face)
Ohhh, yes, you got it!

She picks up the bag, looking at it.

SANDY
Lets go home!

CUT TO-

EXT: THE TERMO - CAR PARK - EVENING

We can see the car leaving the car park out through the alley way.

CUT TO-


INT: JAMES AND SANDY'S PLACE- EVENING

Scene Description: We are inside their place. There is the sound of someone unlocking the door. The door opens, it is James and Sandy.

As the door opens, Sandy runs in and jumps on the couch. James is following behind and jumps on her. They start kissing. Backround acoustic guitar music can be heard. Soft and happy.

C/U of them both on the couch.

JAMES (softly)
Lets get wasted!

Sandy smiles.

CUT TO-

INT: JAMES AND SANDY'S PLACE- EVENING

Scene Description: Shot of the TV. Some foreign show is on SBS. The TV is turned down low. We can hear a chopping sound against a hard surface. We pan across to see James at the table preparing some lines on a sheet of glass. Once again acoustic music can be heard softly in the backround. Slow music to set a mellow scene.

JAMES (eagerly)
Ok its ready.

CUT TO-

INT: JAMES AND SANDY'S PLACE- EVENING

Scene Description: Sandy has just finished her line and goes to lay back, Whilst James has his (Although we cannot see him have it). Acoustic guitar once again can be heard, although, this time the pace is just a little quicker than before.

JAMES (After his hit)
Ohh...

C/U of James after his line with his eyes closed...music can still be heard.

CUT TO-

INT: JAMES AND SANDY'S KITCHEN- EVENING

Scene Description: We can see James walking to the kitchen (He is having trouble walking which is a clear indication that he's heavily under). He walks over the the fridge and pulls out a beer.

JAMES
Hey....babe...you want a beer.

James raises the beer. Before Sandy can reply he drops it onto the ground. James, shocked by what happened, stares blankly at the mess for 3 seconds, then starts laughing hysterically. Then the acoustic music starts playing. It is faster than before.

CUT TO-

INT: JAMES AND SANDY'S LOUNGEROOM- EVENING

Scene Description: They are both on the couch. Sandy is swaying to the music, which is at the same pace as before.

James is sitting on the couch with his head back...and eyes closed.

SANDY
Hey.....you ok?

James suddenly snaps out of his zoned out state.

JAMES (jokingly)
No...I'm sick and depraved- feed me drugs and cookies!

Sandy laughs, whilst james has another line. This one really hits him....He's starting to feel unusual. The pace of the music picks up again. James is trying to clear his nose and he is swaying from side to side. He opens his eyes, trys to get up and stumbles into the bathroom.

CUT TO-

INT: JAMES AND SANDY'S BATHROOM- EVENING

Scene Description: We are in the bathroom with a veiw of the toilet door which is closed, but not completly. We can hear James coughing and throwing up. He opens the door and walks past us, stumbling back into the lounge.

CUT TO-

INT: JAMES AND SANDY'S LOUNGEROOM- EVENING

Scene Description: The pace of the music is almost franctic as James stumbles into the lounge, sitting down on a chair in the corner. Sandy is asleep on the couch. He is coughing non-stop, then slowly falls foward onto the carpet.

Last shot a C/U of James on the carpet shaking his whole body. His eyes fluttering. Music still at a franctic pace, Until it slowly changes back to soft and relaxing as James stops shaking. He is laying down and now not moving at all.

BLACKOUT for 3 seconds. (indicating the passing of time)

CUT TO-

INT: JAMES AND SANDY'S LOUNGEROOM- EARLY MORNING.

We can see Sandy asleep on the couch. No music. She slowly wakes up. Yawning and stretching.

SANDY (still half asleep on the couch)
James....

Beat

SANDY
James....

Still nothing

She slowly goes to get up...Just as she stands up she can see James over on the floor.

SANDY
Oh my God!

James is laying there very pale. His nose bleeding, blood running down his face. Sandy runs over to him.

SANDY (frantically)
James, James!! Wake up!!

James' lifeless body just lays there like a piece of meat whilst Sandy slaps his face trying to wake him up. After a while she realises what's happened and she just holds him, crying. Then silence. (Zoom in for final C/U on James).

BLACKOUT for 5 seconds to indicate the passing of time.


INT: SANDY'S BEDROOM- EARLY MORNING.

Scene description: Sandy is laying in a bed. She wriggles around for a bit, before slowly waking up. Rubbing her eyes, she gets out of bed.

INT: THE LOUNGEROOM- EARLY MORNING.

Scene Description: We are in the loungeroom, it is bright daylight. Sandy is dressed and walks into the bathroom. She comes out with a few red roses still wet from a vase and wraps them in newspaper, before taking a note from a set of draws.

EXT: THE ROAD - EARLY MORNING

Scene Description: We are on the side of the road watching Sandys car passing by. She enters the cemetary.

EXT: CEMETARY ROAD  - EARLY MORNING

Scene Description: We can see a vast hill of graves and green pastures. Sandys car drives up into one of the car parks. She stops her car. She opens the door and gets out. She has the flowers and the note in her hands. She walks past us.

EXT: CEMETARY/ GRAVESITE- EARLY MORNING

Scene Description: Sandy is standing there at James' grave...just staring. She has the flowers/letter in one hand, and her other hand is covering her mouth. We have a shot of James' grave.

Sandy bends down to put the flowers into the grave vase. She drops them and breaks down crying.

SANDY
Whyyy!

She crys over James' grave. Muttering to herself.

Sandy eventually pulls herself back together. She takes a tissue from her pocket and wipes her nose before opening the letter.

She begins to read it, stuttering at the start. Obviously still very upset.

SANDY
James..
It's been...It's been a month
But... I just want to say a few... words to you.

beat

SANDY
The times...we had...were artificial.
We made some wrong choices.

beat

But I miss you everyday...
You were my everything...

beat

and you still are...

But all those moments will be lost in time
Like tears in the rain....
Sandy throws the letter onto the ground and kneels down.

SANDY
We didn't NEED artificial happiness!
We HAD each other!
I love you...

She slowly stands up, puts the flowers next to the grave, has one last look at the grave, and starts walking back to the car.

EXT: SANDYS CAR, CEMETARY ROAD  - EARLY MORNING

Scene Description: Sandy is driving back down the cemetary road. She has a neutral look on her face. Faint acoustic guitar music can be heard. As she drives out past the gates, she looks up to the sun...and smiles. She drives on and the mood of the music changes from soft and faint to loud and spirited/happy.

FADE OUT TO-

YELLOW OVER BLACK-
"In Memory of Kellie Ann Lamb - (1984-2003)"

Credits Roll
"There are things known, and things unknown, and in between are the doors..."

 

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