Author Topic: Bloody Chips  (Read 1319 times)

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Reed Rothchild

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Bloody Chips
« on: May 08, 2004, 12:30:20 PM »
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EXT. A CASINO MARQUEE

We descend down the marquee to front of the building. An
older man with his hands in his pockets walks along the
front of the building to the entrance.

Zoom in on right pocket of coat. The man moves his hand
inside the coat. He enters the Casino.

INT. THE CASINO ENTRANCE

Zoom in on the man's face. He stops walking and looks down
at his pocket. He takes a deep breathe and continues on.

INT. THE CASINO CASHIER BOOTH

The man takes his hand from the pocket.

beat

He puts down a bill on the counter.

                         JIMMY
            Give me 100 in chips please.

                         CASHIER
            Yes sir.

The cashier places a rack of chips on the counter.

The old man takes the chips into his hands. He walks through
the casino until he reaches the poker room.

INT. THE POKER ROOM

The man takes a seat at the nearest table to the door.

                         HAROLD
            Hey Jimmy, I saved your seat.

                         JIMMY
            Told you I'd be here every Friday
            at 7.

                         HAROLD
            My second week and I've already got
            a regular.

                         PLAYER #1
            Hey I hate to interrupt but, I need
            to win money and all this talking
            is not winning me money.
                                                           2.


                         JIMMY
            Quite sorry sir. Deal em out Harold.

                         HAROLD
            Here we go.

Harold proceeds to deal the cards out. We see a montage of
wins and losses at the table.

Jimmy counts his stack. One hundred has turned into one
hundred and fifty.

Two new players approach the table. One a young white man,
the other a short plump asian.

                         PAUL
            Jimmy! Ready to lose those chips?

                         FINK
                   (laughing)
            We are ready to win them that's for
            sure.

                         JIMMY
            Not tonite boys.

                         PAUL
            Ha! You know you always lose to us
            and then you go play 50 dollars on
            double zero at that wheel right
            there.

The two new players post their blinds and the cards are
dealt out.

                         PAUL
            The cards are coming tonite, raise.

                         FINK
            Fold. Yea we just got back from a
            tourney at the horseshoe. I got
            first and Paul Finished fourth.

Jimmy looks at a pair of Eights.

                         JIMMY
            Well thats nice boys, but raise.

                         PAUL
            Raising me preflop, risky, but I am
            gonna go ahead and call.

One other player remains in the hand. The flop comes K-Q-8.
                                                           3.


                         PAUL
            Check.

                         PLAYER #2
            Check.

                         JIMMY
            Let's make it three to go boys
            since tonite has been good to me.

                         PAUL
            You know jack-ten doesn't win this
            pot Jimmy. Raise.

                         PLAYER #2
            Fold.

                         JIMMY
            Top Pair doesn't win either young
            one. Raise.

                         PAUL
            Guess I am gonna have to re-raise,
            cause I know I'm holding the nuts.

                         JIMMY
            In that case I will call.

The turn is a 9.

                         PAUL
            Jack ten came through for you, but
            i'll go ahead and make it six.

                         JIMMY
            Raise.

                         PAUL
            Just not willing to back down are
            you Jimmy. Raise you back.

                         JIMMY
            Call.

The river is a 10.

                         PAUL
            Bet six.

                         JIMMY
            Call.

Paul turns over two kings.
                                                           4.


                         PAUL
            Set of Kings Jimmy, did you have
            that jack?

Jimmy mucks his hand.

                         PAUL
            Mess with the best and you will
            lose your chips like the rest.

We see another montage of wins mostly by Fink and Paul.
Jimmy's stack begins to dwindle.

                         PAUL
            You down to fifty yet Jimmy.

                         JIMMY
            One day, one day I will win all
            your bloody chips . Until then
            here's something for your services
            Harold.

                         HAROLD
            Thanks Jimmy. See ya next week?

                         JIMMY
            Count on it.

                         PAUL
            Jimmy wait, I didn't get to thank
            you for these chips. Until next
            time here's something for your
            services.

Paul tosses Jimmy a five dollar chip.

                         PAUL
            Make it fifty-five tonite on the
            old double zero.

Jimmy catches the chip and smiles. He walks out of the poker
room to a roulette wheel visible from the poker table.

                         PAUL
            Harold keep dealing, these people
            have money to lose to me.

INT. THE ROULETTE WHEEL

Jimmy places the 55 dollars in chips on the double zero. The
wheel spins round and round finally stopping on 8.

                         ROULETTE WORKER
            8. Eights a winner.
                                                           5.


Jimmy shrugs and shakes his head.

                                            FADE OUT.

INT. JIMMY'S HOUSE

Jimmy looks into a mirror.

                         JIMMY
                   (shaking his head)
            Tonight is the night.

Jimmy walks down the hall. Two casino dice lay on an entry
table. Jimmy picks them up, blows on them and rolls them.
They come up 12.

                         JIMMY
            Ha! Boxcars.

INT.  THE CASINO ENTRANCE

The doors swing open as Jimmy walks in with his hopes up.

He grabs his chips and proceeds to his normal poker table.

INT.  THE POKER ROOM

                         HAROLD
            Jimmy, my pal. It's got to be your
            night tonight.

                         JIMMY
            Lets hope so. I can see Fink and
            Paul aren't here yet, so maybe
            you're right.

                         HAROLD
            Those guys are chumps. Don't let
            them get to you.

Fink and Paul approach from behind Harold.

                         PAUL
            Wow! I could have swore I heard my
            name. This Long Island Tea really
            improves your senses.

                         FINK
            Jimmy! Ready to lose them chips.

                         JIMMY
            I'm ready to take yours.
                                                           6.


                         PAUL
            Funny old man, we been taking your
            chips for what, 8 months now? You
            think you would learn.

                         JIMMY
            Maybe I feel sorry for the less
            fortunate.

                         PAUL
            Ouch Jimmy, well enough talking
            deal em' Harold.

We see a montage of chips being traded at the table, most of
them going to Fink and Paul, although Jimmy seems to be up
too.

Paul Looks at Ace, Ace.

                         PAUL
            You winning tonight Jimmy.

                         JIMMY
            Looks that way.

                         PAUL
            Bet 3.

Jimmy Looks at Two, Two.

                         JIMMY
            Call.

                         PLAYER #1
            Call.

                         PLAYER #2
            Fold.

                         FINK
            Fold.

                         PLAYER #3
            Fold.

                         HAROLD
            Here they come boys.

The flop comes 3-6-9.

                         PAUL
            A fine flop Harold. Bet 3.
                                                           7.


Jimmy Looks at his hand. He then stares across the room at
the roulette wheel.

                         PAUL
            Yep thats where you gonna be.

                         JIMMY
            Raise.

                         PLAYER #1
            Fold.

                         PLAYER #2
            Fold.

                         PLAYER #3
            Fold.

                         PAUL
            I just don't think you have what it
            takes to be a winner. Raise.

                         JIMMY
            Raise.

                         PAUL
            Ok, call.

The turn is a 7.

Jimmy Continues to stare at the roulette wheel.

                         PAUL
            Bet 6.

                         JIMMY
            Raise.

                         PAUL
            You gambling tonight old man? Raise.

                         JIMMY
            Im winning. Raise.

                         PAUL
            You can't, Call.

The River is a 2.

                         PAUL
            Bet 6.

Jimmy looks down at his cards. Then back to the wheel.
                                                           8.


                         JIMMY
            I think you got me, but we will see.
            Raise.

                         PAUL
            Raise.

                         JIMMY
            Raise.

                         PAUL
            This is going nowhere. I just want
            to get those chips even though I
            could take your whole stack.

Paul turns over Ace, Ace.

                         JIMMY
                   (smiling)
            Thats a very nice hand.
            Unfortunantly I rivered a set.

Jimmy reveals his Deuces.

                         PAUL
                   (disgusted)
            Piece of shit.

                         JIMMY
            I'm done Harold.

                         PAUL
            You better leave.

                         FINK
            Calm down Paul.

                         JIMMY
            Yea, all this time you have won
            every friday night and you lose
            this one time and get all bent
            outta shape, maybe you better lay
            off that booze there sonny.

                         PAUL
            I just don't like losing to bad
            players.

                         JIMMY
            Well maybe i'm not a bad player.

                         PAUL
            Nah, You suck.
                                                           9.


                         JIMMY
            Well, i'll see you boys next week.
            Thanks for the chips.

Jimmy slips Harold a ten dollar chip.

                         JIMMY
            Thanks Harold.

                         HAROLD
            No problemo Jimmy, you come back
            and see me next week.

Jimmy proceeds to the roulette wheel. Tonite he decides to
just watch for a moment.

                         ROULETTE WORKER
            Three's a winner.

Jimmy looks at the chips and counts them. He's got about 350
dollars in chips. He looks back at the wheel.

                         JIMMY
            Three Hundred and Fifty on double
            zero.

                         PLAYER #1
            Wow! thats a lot of money if it hits.

                         JIMMY
            Yea, lets hope it is my lucky day.

The wheel spins round and round. The ball begins to slow
down and it bounces in and out of a couple numbers and rolls
into double zero.

Jimmy looks more shocked then excited.

                         JIMMY
            I won,
                   (pause)
            I won, I really won.

Jimmy looks over at Paul and smiles. He grabs the chips and
heads toward the cages. Hes got a huge grin on his face and
is off in his old world dreaming about what hes going to do
with the money.

In the background you see a man put a brown paper sack on
the counter of the cages.

                         CRIMINAL
            Give me money now or i'll blow your
            fuckin brains out.
                                                          10.


The lady behind the counter looks puzzled and she turns and
grabs a stack of money and puts in on the counter.

Not Three seconds later, security guards tackle the man just
as Jimmy rounds the corner.

A shot rings out.

We see Jimmy drop to the floor along with his twelve thousand
dollars in chips.

A lone chip covered in blood rolls along the ground until it
finally comes to a stop and falls over.
You know, people tell me I kind of look like Han Solo.

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ono

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Bloody Chips
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2004, 03:34:54 PM »
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I love poker, and scenes set in casinos are always intriguing.  I guess there could be some sort of existential drama made of this whole thing - about the guy dreaming of big riches then losing it all.  But it seems a bit too random for most people to appreciate it.  I like that kind of thing, but you'll have a hard time selling other people on it.

The dialogue was problematic in a lot of spots.  You need to work on writing how people talk.  Condense it.  A lot of times, people don't necesarily say anything, or at the very least, a lot more is implied and sentences are abbreviated.  Prime example is when the extras fold.  Usually players just throw their cards into the muck rather than say anything.

The key to good dialogue is to abbreviate.  Try to cut down each line to the briefest it can possibly be while still conveying what needs to be said.  Instead of:

PAUL
Jimmy!  Ready to lose those chips?

FINK
(laughing)
We are ready to win them, that's for sure.

JIMMY
Not tonite, boys.

Try this:
PAUL
(to Jimmy)
Ready to lose?

FINK
(laughing)
Yeah, we'd be more than happy to relieve you of your chips.

-- I realize Fink's line here isn't great.  Yours doesn't work, and neither does mine.  But I only gave it a minute's thought.

JIMMY
Not tonight, guys.

Note the proper spelling of tonight.  Anal, I know, but it helps to write as professionally as possible.

Also, "boys" sounds like something a woman or a gay man would say.  Say "guys" at the poker table.  Or "men."  And throw in some belching, cigar smoking, and crotch scratching for optimum masculinity.

Don't say "we descend" or "we see" or anything like that.  That is implied.  Make your descriptions as short and sharp as possible, so they read quickly and move the action along.  You could say something like:

CAMERA moves across a marquee (what does it say?) to the front of the <building (casino?).  An older man, hands in pockets, walks along the front of the building to the entrance.

Next line with the zoom in isn't necessary.  Especially in a script like this.  And it's my philosophy that you should avoid zooms like the plague -- they scream amateur, but that's just a personal thing.  On the other hand, if you're writing this for yourself to shoot, I guess it's fine, but you would know how you plan to shoot it anyway.

When you say "we see a montage," you need to write that out:

MONTAGE - WINS AND LOSSES
-- Event 1.
-- Event 2.
-- Event 3.

Etc.

That's how you write a basic montage according to David Trottier's Screenwriting Bible.  Best book on screenwriting I've ever read; I highly recommend it.  So much stuff in there would be invaluable to improving your script.

When the two new players approach, you need to introduce them in CAPS with a possible age expressed in parenthesis.  Also, describe them physically, just as you did, and be sure to say who is who.  You didn't say the names of the young white and plump Asian, so that's a point of confusion.

I don't know what you were aiming for with this piece.  Maybe I nailed it in the first paragraph.  Maybe I was way off.  But I'd try to get more of a story going away from the tables.  Give the character some more motivation, some more character/personality away from the table, so what he does while there will have more weight to it.  There's probably more I could nitpick at, but I figure this is enough for now.  Hope it helps.  Very intriguing premise -- good luck. :roll:

Reed Rothchild

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Bloody Chips
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2004, 07:12:15 PM »
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yea i suck at writing :) ill keep trying though, thanks for the tips~

i was watching some cop show one day and saw what happens at the end happen where a guy walks up to the cage and demands money and then like 3 seconds later nine security guards tackled him and i was thinking god what if the gun he was holding would have went off and killed some random person~
You know, people tell me I kind of look like Han Solo.

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ono

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Bloody Chips
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2004, 12:36:55 AM »
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Quote from: Onomatopita
Very intriguing premise -- good luck. :roll:

That totally wasn't supposed to be there.  Was trying to put it somewhere else in the post.  How weird.  I really did like the premise.  Hehe.

Tictacbk

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Bloody Chips
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2004, 06:07:32 PM »
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I love poker too so i was into this more than an average person probably would be.  My only problem is thats not how the poker rooms work at a casino.  You usually buy chips at the cage in the poker room, and you can't just walk up to your "usual table,"  especially on friday nights they can be full.  Also the dealer changes very often.  It wasn't really clear what game they were playing either.  I'm guessing 3-6 hold'em, in which case 100 is kind of a small buy in, especially if you're leaving at 50.

Reed Rothchild

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Bloody Chips
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2004, 08:09:55 PM »
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Im not 21, yet, so i was just guessing from what i know ;)
You know, people tell me I kind of look like Han Solo.

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