Author Topic: Feedback on script - "In a Day"  (Read 2123 times)

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Raikus

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Feedback on script - "In a Day"
« on: February 07, 2003, 04:10:48 PM »
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This is a script I adapted from a short story I wrote about two years ago. I plan to shoot it in late March (depending on if I get my camera by then or not). I'd appreciate any critiques including the formatting of the script. Usually I just write them for myself, but I need to know if there's any blatant faux pas that I've included. Also, does the story make sense, etc.

It's about a 12 page script, so if you have some time to critique it I'd appreciate it.

http://www.ideaity.com/inaday.htm
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free, silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands, with all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves, let me forget about today until tomorrow.

Ghostboy

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Feedback on script - "In a Day"
« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2003, 02:28:26 AM »
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Just read it -- I think it's very nicely put together. I wasn't sure at the end if it was supposed to suggest that the killer is going to kill Sandy and her son or not, though. Other than that I was able to follow it just fine.

The format is ALMOST correct. You don't need to put CUT TO: in between each scene -- usually its only used for jump cuts (so it would be appropriate in the fantasy/flashback sequences). Also, you should consolidate the locations. For example, in the first scene you could have the front lawn and front of the house be the same location. Stuff like that. And during some of the longer descriptive passages, feel free to break up the action...it doesn't all have to be in one paragraph. A lot of screenwriters use a single line for each beat of action.

Good work...

Raikus

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Feedback on script - "In a Day"
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2003, 09:40:38 AM »
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Thanks a lot Ghostboy. I went back and incorporated your suggestions. The main questions I have with it are:

Do the flashback/fantasy sequences work?

And I am purposely leaving it as an open ending. The audience would draw from it what they wanted too. Should I leave it this way or put an definite ending to it? Is the last scene confusing if I don't?

Thanks again for the feedback.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free, silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands, with all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves, let me forget about today until tomorrow.

Ghostboy

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Feedback on script - "In a Day"
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2003, 10:28:09 AM »
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I think an open ending works; I wouldn't show the guy pointing the gun at the mom and her son, I'd just show that he's there...and leave it at that. So you don't weight the ending one way or another.

I didn't have a problem with the flashbacks, although it could be argued that the shots when she finds her son on the bed are too emotionally manipulative. I thought it worked, though.

Raikus

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Feedback on script - "In a Day"
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2003, 09:25:24 AM »
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I'm bumping this up.

I'm getting ready to begin submitting the script to a few small short screenplay festivals and really would appreciate some feedback. Do certain things work/not work? Are the descriptions too long at some points? Is there any improper formatting issues?

http://www.ideaity.com/inaday.htm

Help a brotha' out.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free, silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands, with all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves, let me forget about today until tomorrow.

children with angels

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Feedback on script - "In a Day"
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2003, 08:26:52 AM »
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I don't know if this is too late for you now, but I thought I'd just give my opinion...

I really liked the script. What starts out seeming pretty basic turns really pretty strange because of your storytelling techniques - which is cool. My question is - and I this may be completely not in line with what you're going for - do you need the figure behind the door/gun part at the very end...? You obviously want to give it a dark feeling as a conclusion, but in my opinion it would be really cool to end it on a supposedly "up" note (the kid not being dead), which would be inevitably undercut by the fucked up kid dying stuff previously. Maybe there could be a suggestion that the "happy ending" is another fantasy sequence... (using whatever style you'll be adopting in the imaginary portions)? I love it when something appears to be asking the audience to feel one emotion and simultaneously delivers another: it gives a really interesting sensation.

Anyway: that's just me, what I'd do if I was writing it - you probably have a completely different idea of what you want... Well done on it, man.
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cowboykurtis

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Feedback on script - "In a Day"
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2003, 01:52:00 PM »
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I thought the script was very interesting. the part with the hand behind the curtain immediatly  was a catalyst for tension -- the suspence built of not knowing what the cop was talking about worked very well -- however once the cop goes into an explanation of the robbery,etc it thought it became boring and lost that tone and suspense that was executed so nice in the beginning. it might be more interesting if you left "the creature in the shadows" more ambigous --  -- my big question is -- why doesnt the cop go into the house -- why pussyfoot around in the woods -- a criminal in the house is much more of a threat than in the woods. if you want the ending to have that quality of amgiguety, it might be interesting if we are never told what the cop is looking for. however ambiguety for the sake of being ambigeous is pointless, is must work from withing the narrative. but over all i thought the tone was stong, the beginning was great -- very suspenseful, cut out some of the dailogue and tell teh story even more through the visuals -- i enjoyed it man.
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SHAFTR

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Feedback on script - "In a Day"
« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2003, 07:22:48 PM »
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Thoughts

first off....possible typo on this line

SHERIFF ADAMS
                      I'm afraid so, Sandy. The suspect somehow
                      overpowered David, got his gun and shot
                      him and Sam Swonson. I happened just up
                      the road on 42.
Is it supposed to be IT happened....?

and this
SANDY
                          (in caring tone)
                      Gail, come her.


Now on to everything.  Although brief, the relationship between Sandy and the children comes off genuine.  The ending is up to you, I think it works though...it leaves the short incomplete and ambigious...and I think that is how a short should be.

I do have a suggestion for the beginning, instead of starting with the Police Officer coming right away, start it with a scene of Sandy and the children interacting...perhaps them going upstairs and her going outside.  This adds suspense earlier and shows the sandy/child dynamic more, since I think that is what is most important here.

Hope it helps.
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Blanketing opinions that i'll probably regret soon"

Raikus

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Feedback on script - "In a Day"
« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2004, 09:23:26 AM »
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Just for kicks I entered this script in a short screenplay competition. It's the first time that I entered anything. It didn't win but it received 'special honors' which means it wasn't absolute caca.

Thanks to those who offered their feedback and helped me revise the script.  :yabbse-thumbup:
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free, silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands, with all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves, let me forget about today until tomorrow.

 

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