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on: May 31, 2003, 10:11:47 PM
Part one is right here:

Part 2


After watching the movie, Mac and Cbrad sit on the couch, both drifting off to sleep.


Budgie takes a pee and then walks towards the mirror. She takes a look at herself, pulling her thick, long hair in a pony tail and walks back into the living room to find Mac and Cbrad asleep, with Cbrad's head resting on Mac's shoulder. She runs into the other room and grabs a big black camera. Just as she is about to take a picture, Cbrad wakes up.

CBRAD: (yawning) What are you doing?
BUDGIE: What do you think I'm doing?
CBRAD: Oh no, no more pictures. The last time I let you take my picture I wound up half-naked with a 10-inch cock in my hand and an avocado jammed up my ass. No sir-ree-bob.
BUDGIE: You're no fun.

Budgie gets up really close to Mac and takes his picture. He continues to sleep.

BUDGIE: What are you doing tonight?
CBRAD: Waiting for my boys to call me.

Cbrad's cell phone rings loud. He looks at the caller id which reads; "P"

CBRAD: Speaking of el diablo. (on phone) Whassup biatch? Yeah.... yeap... Yeah okay, I'll be right there.

Cbrad hangs up the phone and gets up, grabbing his jacket.

BUDGIE: You're going out now?
CBRAD: It's only 11:00.
BUDGIE: Be careful. Don't bring home any of your pre-pubescent skanky dorm rat girls.
BUDGIE: I won't mom.

Cbrad gives Budgie a kiss on the cheek. He pats Mac on the shoulder and walks out the front door. Budgie walks over to Mac and puts a blanket over him, kissing his cheek.


P sits at a table in a posh, darlky lit nightstop with MOGWAI and REGULAR KARATE.
P is an up and coming director, having just finished his film debut, the dark docu-drama Depressed and Loving It, which received high critical praise and siginificant buzz on the festival circuit. P is a chain-smoking egomaniac with a fettish for young teenage girls.

Mogwai is P's director of photography. After getting his first big break shooting a Ron Howard movie, Mogwai swiftly climbed the cinematographer food chain to become one of the top DP's in the business. After winning two Oscars in a row for Best Cinematography, Mogwai  suffered from a nervous breakdown. Most believe it was do to hitting the pinnacle of his career too early. Dealing with the pressure of being so talented, Mogwai soon developed a speech impetiment. Now he cannot make complete sentences. In fact, he can only say 3 words outloud. He has since then developed his own language that only P understands.

Regular Karate is a producer of mindless summer action movies, the ones with ridiculously concocted scripts and unnecessary explosion sequences; he's the next Jerry Bruckheimer.

Cbrad rushes into the bar. He scans the bar until he sees the three of them in the back. He rushes over and sits down, script in hand. P immediately grabs the script.

P: Took you long enough.
MOGWAI: For real tho.
CBRAD: Sorry. Traffic.
P: Yeah whatever.

P looks through the script. Mogwai puts on a pair of sunglasses as he bounces a little rubber ball on the table. RK looks through the wine list.

P: This is it boys. This is the script. The movie- this is going to be my best movie ever.
CBRAD: It's only going to be your second movie.
P: What are you trying to say?
MOGWAI: For real?
CBRAD: No, nothing.

A buxom red-headed waitress of no more that 30 walks over to the table.

WAITRESS: What can I get you boys to drink?
P: Double Jack & Coke.
CBRAD: Vodka tonic.
RK: (pointing to the wine list) I'll take your 1967 Tuscan Chianti.
WAITRESS: (to Mogwai) And for you?

Mogwai takes off his sunglasses and puts on some reading glasses. He opens the menu quickly and looks at it, pointing to different things.

MOGWAI: Hmmm... foooor...reeeeal....reeeaaalllly......tho.

He closes the menu quickly, taking off his eye glasses and putting back on his sunglasses. The waitress looks confused.

P: He wants a shirly temple.

Mogwai nods like a little puppy, smiling.
The waitress walks off, puzzled.

P: Did you see the chesticles on that bitch?
RK: Very nice.
CBRAD: Okay, so the script...
P: Yeah. It's going to be my best movie ever.
CBRAD: Are you sure you read it? The whole thing?
P: Yeah. I did. It's going to be fucking great.
CBRAD: I let Budgie read it.
P: What'd she say?
CBRAD: She said the ending sucked.
P: Well she's right. It does.
RK: I don't think we're going to have the budget for the turtle thing either.
CBRAD: WHAT?! Bullshit, you said that it was all taken care of. You have to have the turtles! You fucking have to, there is no point to the movie if you don't!
P: I got some ideas. We'll be okay. But hey, speaking of budgets, that reminds me, what is our final budget RK? Is it what we agreed on?
RK: I don't want to lie to you P.

RK immediately gets up and walks away.

P: Cocksucker.

Mogwai starts to pat P on his shoulder, panting and whining, again like a little puppy. P reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bowl, handing it to him. He pats Mogwai on the head, who is now very happy. He pulls out some weed and packs the bowl.
The waitress comes back over with their drinks. She sees Mogwai with the weed.

WAITRESS: Um, you can't smoke in here.

Mogwai looks up at her and starts barking insaneouly loud like a dog. She screams and runs away. P and Cbrad look as if nothing happened. Obviously this is something Mogwai does regularly.
A young blond, probably 16, walks passed their table. P makes eye contact with her. She walks towards the bathroom. P takes a big gulp of his drink and gets up.

P: Excuse me ladies.

P walks up and follows her.

TITLECARD: 2 minutes later.

P comes out of the bathroom, wiping sweat off his forehead. The blond follows him shortly there after. She seems to have a little trouble walking.
RK is now back at the table. Mogwai smokes his bowl and drinks his Shirly Temple.

P: I tell you boys, she's somethin else alright.
CBRAD: Did you have sex with her?
P: No we were finger-painting, you asshole.
RK: She looked kinda young.
MOGWAI: fuuuuuurrrrrrr reeeeaaal.
P: Like I always say, if there's grass on the field play ball.
CBRAD: Was there?
P: A little.
CBRAD: Anyway, look, I'm not so sure we should do this script. I have others, I can write something else. Bottom line, the turtles are absolutely necessary, and if we don't have them its fucking pointless.
P: We're doing the movie. End of story.
CBRAD: It's my script.
P: No, it's mine. We bought it.
CBRAD: Bullshit, where's my money?
P: Check is in the mail. The script is ours, and no one is taking it from us.

Just then, a tall tan man dressed in a red sweater comes barging into the bar. Following him is a mexican dwarf named Pablo. Both of them carry big guns.

ROBBER: Alright everyone listen up! Everyone get down on the floor with your hands up! This is a robbery!

The robber cocks the gun. Pablo cocks his as well as he blows a bubble with his gum.
Everyone in the restaurant starts to scream as they all hit the deck. P, Mogwai, Cbrad and RK continue to sit at their table drinking, looking as if nothing is happening.

ROBBER: Everyone shut up! Shut the fuck up! Now listen to me. We can do this shit right and it will go by real quick. Everyone just shut the fuck up and keep your balls and tits on the ground! Now look... hey, you 4 in the back!? Get the fuck down!
P: (shouting from the back) What!?
ROBBER: You see these big fucking guns? This is a robbery, you here? Get on the fucking floor!
MOGWAI: Pfft, tho for real.
RK: We can't hear you!

The robber walks fast over to their table. He points his gun right in P's face.

ROBBER: You see this big fucking thing? I'm gong to stick this big fucking thing up your fucking asshole if you don't get on the ground, now!
P: I just didn't think you were serious, what with that sweater on and all.
ROBBER: What?!
CBRAD: (whispering to P) What the fuck are you doing?
P: Next time you hold up a bar for armed robbery, I reccomend not wearing a JCPenny Sunday Church Sweater. It's not very intimidating.
ROBBER: Oh yeah?

The robber points his gun in the air and fires two shots. The entire bar screams.

ROBBER: How's that for intimidating? Now get your fucking hands up now!

P, RK, and Cbrad immediately put their hands up. Mogwai gets on the floor and does a handstand, putting his feet up in the air.

ROBBER: Now look, what I want you faggots to do is to put all your wallets, cell phones, watches, rings, dildos, whatever the fuck you have on you into this bag Pablo has here.

He turns around to find Pablo eating someone else's food at the bar.

ROBBER: Pablo! Get your midget ass over here!

Pablo runs over, still chewing, with the bag.

ROBBER: Now, how's that for intimidation?

All of a sudden, Gold Trumpet comes out of nowhere. He starts to walk around the robber, scrating his head.

GT: Hmm... entrance was good, but I really feel the entire robbery itself was just a poor attempt at trying to duplicate the energy of the inital entrance, where you were trying to rob people in an agressive manner while only achieving a slice of realistic realism that's only real attachment in our realism is to be an imitation of real things in a nonrealistic world that yearns to be real-

P suddenly grabs the gun out of the robber's hands and shoots GT in the head. GT falls on the floor, dead. He immediately gives the gun back to the robber and returns to the floor, putting his hands back up in the air.

P: I'm sorry, you were saying?
ROBBER: I said get out all your shit and put it in this bag. Now ladies, hurry up. And everyone else, get your shit ready. Pablo's coming around with the bag.

Pablo walks around, chewing on a hamburger as he collects wallets from everyone in the bar. The Robber stays with the boys as they get out their wallets.

ROBBER: (To RK) I want that watch too sweetheart.

RK reluctantly pulls off his watch and gives it to him. The Robber takes a close look at it.

ROBBER: Woohoo! Rolex! It's our lucky day Pablo!

Pablo sticks his hand up in the air, cheering. He returns to collecting bags.

RK: It's not real.
P: You scandalous little fuck. You told me that thing was real.
RK: I lied.
ROBBER: That's enough, ankle grabbers. Now hurry up... get those wallets in there too- say, what's that back there on that table?

He signals towards Cbrad's script.

P: That? That's nothing. It's the dessert menu.

The Robber walks over to it and picks it up. He flicks through the pages.

ROBBER: Hmm... this ain't too bad. I kinda like this.
P: It's nothing. Really.
ROBBER: I like this. I don't know about these turtles though.
CBRAD: No, the turtles are the key! Without the turtles it doesn't make any fucking sense!
P: (to cbrad) Shut the fuck up!
ROBBER: I like this thing a lot. I'm taking it. Who wrote this? Was it you? (pointing to Mogwai)
MOGWAI: Tho! For! Real! For! REAAAAL!
ROBBER: Uhh, okay. That was kinda strange. That seems to be all that you can say. What about you? Who are you? (to cbrad)
CBRAD: I'm the writer. I write stuff.
ROBBER: And you?
RK: I'm the producer.
ROBBER: What do you do? (to P)
P: I eat babies.

The Robber looks uninterested. He takes the script and puts it in the bag with the wallets and starts to walk off.

ROBBER: Well ladies and gentlemen its been a pleasure doing business with all of you. Pablo and I appreciate it. Now remember, if any of you tell the police what we look like, we're going to come into your house late at night while you're sleeping and shoot the ever-living fuck out of you.
P: We can't let them take the script!

Mogwai suddenly gets up and grabs a bar stool. He runs over to the Robber.


Mogwai takes the bar stool and slams the Robber right in the head. The Robber then falls right to the floor. Everyone in the restaurant starts to scream and runs out. Pablo stands still for a second, shrugs his shoulders and walks off with the bags.
Now the bar is empty except for P, Mogwai, Cbrad, Rk, and the dead Robber.

CBRAD: Holy shit!
P: Nice job buddy.
CBRAD: Is he dead?

RK walks over to the robber and checks his pulse. He stands back up, scratching his head.


P: Well?! Are you going to tell us or what?
RK: Oh yeah, sorry. He's dead.
CBRAD: No way! How? Mogwai didn't hit him that hard.
P: The fuck he didn't!
MOGWAI: For real tho!
CBRAD: Well what the fuck are we suppose to do now?!
RK: Let's just get the hell out of here.
P: Yeah, atleast we got the script back.
CBRAD: No no no! We can't!! We'll get arrested! Remember that one movie, when the drunk teenagers hit that dude on the highway and they just left and then the presumably dead guy comes back to haunt them?!
P: I didn't see it. It sounds pretty gay though.
MOGWAI: For real.
CBRAD: (talking a mile-a-minute) We can't! We're all going to get arrested and then sent to jail and the movie will never be made and we'll all end up in prison getting butt-raped everyday by 300 pound black guys and eating shit food-

Mogwai runs over to Cbrad and slaps him hard in the face. He then grabs his cheeks with both hands and gives him a big kiss right on the lips.


Cbrad pauses for a moment.

CBRAD: Huh. I don't know why but I actually feel better.
P: Yeah you would. Alright look, RK go get your car. We'll go dump the body somewhere.
RK: Where?

P gets out his cell phone and starts to dial a number.

RK: Who are you calling?
P: Who I always call when I get into trouble. (on phone) Hello?
MAC: (on phone) A-hoy-hoy.
P: Mac, its me. Look I'm in some serious shit.
MAC: (sighs) How much is the bail?
P: No I didn't get arrested. Look, we're at the bar right, and this crazy tan fuck comes in with this mexican midget and robs the place, and-- oh yeah, I got laid by this hot ass little blond-
CBRAD: Get to the fucking point! The cops are going to be here soon!!

P explains the situation to Mac.

P: Okay... okay... call you back... bye. (hangs up) Mac is going to figure it out and call us back.
RK: Is there anything Mac can't do?
P: Alright, Cbrad, help me lift up his skinny brown ass. RK go pull around the car.
RK: What about GT?
P: Who?
CBRAD: No time, let's go.


A long shot of P, Cbrad and Mogwai in silhouette carrying the Robber's body.

MUSIC CUE- GLORIA LYNNE "Speaking of Happiness"

RK pulls around his brand new black BMW and opens the trunk.

CBRAD: When did you get this?
RK: Last week. 2003 BMW M3 baby. Brand spanking new.
CBRAD: How did you afford that?
RK: Embezzlement.

They throw the body into the truck.

P: Shotgun!

They all get into the car and drive off.

RK: Where am I going?
P: Just keep driving south. I'll wait for Mac to call and we'll figure out where to dump the body.
CBRAD: Don't speed. We don't want to get pulled over for a fucking speeding ticket.
P: Relax. Put some music on RK.

RK reaches underneath his seat and pulls out his CDs. He pulls one out that has "My Awesome CD Mix" written on it in black marker.

RK: You guys ready for this shit? Badass stuff on here, just burned it.
MOGWAI: For real!

RK puts in the CD and starts to sing along, loud.

RK: Uptown girl
She's been living in her uptown world
I bet she never had a backstreet guy
I bet her mama never told her why-

P shuts off the music immediately. RK looks around, a little embarassed.

P: For the love of god...I'm going to pretend that didn't happen. Give me these.

P grabs the CDs and looks through them. He finds one he likes and puts it in.

P: This shit is dope.

Another song comes on. P, Cbrad, and RK all start to sing along together. Mogwai hums it, dancing in the backseat.

P, Cbrad, RK: When I wake up yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you...
But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles-

P: Okay, that's enough.

P takes out the CD and puts in Ludicrous "Move Bitch."

P: You two aren't making out again back there are you?
CBRAD: Blow me.
MOGWAI: Real tho.

RK makes a fast sharp turn down a narrow road and reaches a dead end. He turns around, looking out the back.

P: What the fuck did you do that for?
RK: I thought I saw a cop.
P: Nice move. Making suspiscious sharp turns down deserted alleys is a good way not to attract a cop's attention.

All of a sudden a dark grey Audi sedan turns down the same alley, blocking them in. The Audi turns its bright lights on, blinding them.

CBRAD: What the fuck?

P rolls down his window and sticks his head out, screaming towards the Audi.


The Audi's driver door opens slowly. A man dressed in a suit steps his foot out, slowly getting out of the car.

CBRAD: Say, wait a minute. You know who that looks like?
RK: Who?
CBRAD: Nah, it couldn't be.

The man starts to slowly walk towards RK's BMW.

CBRAD: Oh my god
P: You're right, it is!
RK: Who? I can't see!
P&CBRAD: Agent Smith!!

TO BE CONTINUED...[/color][/b][/i][/u]

Gold Trumpet

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Reply #1 on: May 31, 2003, 10:21:36 PM
Hah, that was fucking awesome! I didn't read it all yet and just skimmed down to see if my name was present and yes, my exaggerated persona here among others is definitely the work of a minor character only who comes in with an agenda and nicely is taken out in some way. Anyways, blah blah, I thought it was great and will read all of it I promise.



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Reply #2 on: May 31, 2003, 10:30:21 PM


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Reply #3 on: May 31, 2003, 10:45:47 PM
Mogwai is P's director of photography. After getting his first big break shooting a Ron Howard movie, Mogwai swiftly climbed the cinematographer food chain to become one of the top DP's in the business. After winning two Oscars in a row for Best Cinematography, Mogwai suffered from a nervous breakdown. Most believe it was do to hitting the pinnacle of his career too early. Dealing with the pressure of being so talented, Mogwai soon developed a speech impetiment. Now he cannot make complete sentences. In fact, he can only say 3 words outloud. He has since then developed his own language that only P understands.

Why is it that I can totally see that happening to mog?
“Don't think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it's good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art.” - Andy Warhol

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Reply #4 on: May 31, 2003, 10:50:51 PM
HAHAHA.... i love it love it love it.


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Reply #5 on: June 01, 2003, 12:16:10 AM
good stuff...

kinda disturbing though... seems every character has at least a little bit of their board persona in the script... This RK guy though... an asshole, brainless Jerry Bruckheimer type?  I wasn't expecting James Bond or anything, but at least give me a cool shirt or sumthin'.

I'm really looking forward to the Agent Smith fight.

Jeremy Blackman

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Reply #6 on: June 01, 2003, 12:28:56 AM
That was great. You nailed Pubrick. I wanna be in the next one though, at least a cameo or something...
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Reply #7 on: June 01, 2003, 11:04:46 AM
much appreciated to all of u. i had a kickass time writing it, so that's good. usually writing isn't that fun.

stay tuned for part 3. probably won't come until later this week. p is working on it too.

Duck Sauce

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Reply #8 on: June 01, 2003, 11:09:31 AM
LOL! Chesticles!


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Reply #9 on: June 01, 2003, 11:30:56 AM
hmm i would like to write a scene sometime, but i fear i would just make something so horificaly sadistic that not really anyone would find it funny.


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Reply #10 on: June 01, 2003, 12:57:16 PM
Lol, this stuff is really great...did all this just start or was it carried on from the old boards? I'd hate to miss out. Can't wait to read the next "episode" or whatever.

Love the background descriptions by the way, those are the funniest parts.


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Reply #11 on: June 01, 2003, 02:14:28 PM
sphinx looks forward to the resolution so much


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Reply #12 on: June 03, 2003, 12:28:18 PM
no mention of God Damn....but it's ok.....that was pretty funny, especially the randomness of agent smith
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Reply #13 on: June 03, 2003, 12:58:24 PM
nice work, i needed a laugh like that.


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Reply #14 on: June 24, 2003, 02:07:00 PM
has this show been cancelled?