Fast Five

[RegularKarate]

I haven't seen any of the previous Fast and Furious movies, but it didn't matter.  This was so fucking greatdiculous.

All the acting and dialog is miserable and predictable, but it knows that you're just trudging through it all for a ridiculous action sequence and it pays off left and right... because of this, the cliches just feel like the cake around the cream filling.  The entire audience in my theater was laughing and applauding all the way through.

Here are some things that won't really matter because you kind of have to see it for yourself:

- The movie starts off super fast.  Vin Diesel is broken out of a prison bus by cars ramming it to cause it to flip over and smash into a billion pieces.  We're then told in a news report that everybody inside the crash survived.  Now we get to see these knuckleheads rob cars from a moving train... this sequence is insane!

- The Rock is covered in juice throughout the entire movie.  I don't know what's wrong with him, at first, I thought he was just sweaty, but it's really thick and there are lots of scenes where strings of thick drool are coming from his mouth like a dog.  At one point, he meets up with Vin Diesel and Vin is completely dry and the Rock looks like he just got done swimming in bacon grease.

- I kept paying really close attention to how careful Vin Diesel is about saying "R"s since he can't actually say them.  He says "Fweedom" at one point.  You can tell that they probably tried to rewrite his dialogue to get rid of as many Rs as possible, but it's kind of hard in a movie about caRs. 

The onion news network did this which made me want to see it more.  It's pretty spot on and a big part of why I liked Fast Five so much.

[Ghostboy]

Yeah, it's pretty awesome. I loved how bad the dramatic stuff was - all the 'nothing is more important than family' dialogue that was so knowingly written for the lowest common denominator.

Best line: "I'll ride with you."

Although my favorite line from the trailer didn't make the cut, which was a bummer ("we're gonna end up behind bars or dead in a ditch...but not today").

[picolas]

Although my favorite line from the trailer didn't make the cut, which was a bummer ("we're gonna end up behind bars or dead in a ditch...but not today").

i think you mean "we're gonna end up behind bars or dead in a ditch...but not todayyyyyy."

[modage]

I haven't seen any of the previous Fast and Furious movies, but it didn't matter.  This was so fucking greatdiculous.

I've never seen one either but everything I've heard about it (particularly references to vintage Michael Bay) makes me want to see it now.  The Onion thing was the best, too.

[Mr. Merrill Lehrl]

spoilers I guess ... but come on

It pulls my least favorite action movie move - my least favorite of all time - when it frees itself from a narrative corner by having villains appear out of nowhere with bazookas.  That's such a cheap, uncreative move.

The series inches nearer to the absurdity of comic book movies (or, sure, Michael Bay) in its final moments.  Don't get me wrong, the series has always been absurd, but nothing as absurd as the final act of this one.  To a certain crowd absurd = great.  Gee I wish that crowd has been present at my showing, I'd have had a great time like RegularKarate.  Unfortunately there were about ten people at my Saturday 1030 showing, and if you have to actually sit in the theater and deal with this movie, actually process what's happening, the ending is too much to take.  Certain sudden developments almost made me hate the engorged running time.

It does matter if you've seen the previous Fast movies, because for example although overall the movie was spoiled for me by creative decisions that disappointed me and an underwhelming audience, I was still able to engage with the odd intimacy and charm the series has and continues to cultivate.  The great thing about the series that Lin continues to perfect is the right balance of over-the-top and completely serious.  The 6th is set up during the credit sequence.  I got excited.  I think this was a transitional one.  It's indeed won new fans and brought people around, getting the big bo numbers, so I hope the next one is batshit nuts and really works.  

Will the success of this one will keep Justin Lin around, or will he jump ship?  I hope on the one hand he doesn't jump because the next one will undoubtedly be bigger and badder, but on the other hand he's done three of these and delivered mega success so deserves to have whatever project he really wants.

[polkablues]

Dwayne Johnson made this movie work.  Without him, it still would have been dumb and fun, but ultimately forgettable (like the other Fast and/or Furious movies).  But he brings this focus, this laser-like commitment to sell with utter sincerity the ridiculous shit unfolding on screen, that the simple act of his walking onscreen gives the film more momentum than the fifteen minute action sequence that precedes it.  And RK's right; the man spent the whole movie looking like he had just gone tanning with canola oil.

[Ravi]

I love that that's the picture you used to represent this film. A startled-looking Dwayne Johnson.

This was the first of this series that I had seen also. The opening and ending action sequences were fun, even though that massive safe slinging around killed or injured plenty of innocent people. Pretty much every Vin Diesel line had me snickering at how bad of an actor he is. IMO in a film like this the villain is crucial, and the villain here was not very threatening. Just another vaguely evil rich guy in a suit. The way he's dispensed with in the end is anti-climactic too. No showdown, no nothing.

[Mr. Merrill Lehrl]

Love how this thread immediately blew up with posts by people who've seen the movie or want to see the movie, the secret we've carried in our hearts until this moment.

[modage]

It was fun/fine but not as crazy, over-the-top as I expected. It's still got nothing on this.

from my blog:

Though I’d never seen a “Fast & The Furious” film before, hearing the new one was like “vintage Michael Bay” made me curious to see it. As a slick commercial director, Bay shoots action sequences like nobody else and (until the “Transformers” films) he was one of the few who actually liked to blow up real shit. “Fast & Furious,” directed by Justin Lin, is a passable heist film with some over-the-top action sequences but it’s also fairly tame. It didn’t take long to put together who everybody was. Walker stars as a former cop, who after busting out his buddy (and girlfriends brother) Vin Diesel, is now hiding out in Rio. Shortly thereafter, for reasons driven by sheer plot mechanics, the duo are stealing cars and reassembling the best characters from the series for one huge job. Oh, and The Rock shows up as an FBI agent (covered constantly in a blanket of sweat) to hunt them down.

The action in the film is pretty impressive (if not as cleanly shot as Bay) but the whole thing never really kicks into high gear. The biggest surprise/disappointment here for me was the abundance of family values. These guys may seem tough but they’re basically good guys who will do anything to protect their family and they’re only stealing cars from a bad guy. So at the end of the film when everyone is still alive, it’s like the latest episode of the ‘Fast & Furious’ show. Tune in next week when everyone will be back for another crazy caper. The dialogue is stock but the whole thing is played very earnestly. It’s not so bad that it’s hilarious and it’s definitely not anywhere near approaching good so it just kind of lays there. It’s a perfectly entertaining diversion, but there are no real stakes and nothing as gloriously gonzo as this.

[RegularKarate]

Why do people keep thinking no one dies in the movie?

Lots of people die
Innocent Bystanders, good guys, and bad guys.  Lots of people die.

[Mr. Merrill Lehrl]

Why do people keep thinking no one dies in the movie?

Lots of people die
Innocent Bystanders, good guys, and bad guys.  Lots of people die.

You're referring to(?):

So at the end of the film when everyone is still alive, it’s like the latest episode of the ‘Fast & Furious’ show. Tune in next week when everyone will be back for another crazy caper.

That was actually my favorite line and observation in modage's review, and it rings even more true given the spoiler in the credits sequence.  By everyone he means the core group of course, not disposable characters who serve transparently as objects of death and doom for the main characters to either respond or not respond to depending on the needs of the core group's narrative.  For example one character 'makes a call' to save another character which sort of erases the heroics of either character because everything is so effortless due to over-orchestration.

I guess it's good they didn't kill off essential characters before the franchise really took off, but now that it has taken off I hope they fuck with it a little.

[SiliasRuby]

This is over the top in the best way. Stupid. Ridiculous. Completely absurd. And I've seen them all. Slightly proud of that fact. The Dialogue sounds like something horrific, something a 7th grader would write. Polka is right, Dwayne Johnson makes this movie shine with wild ferocity.

See this movie NOW!