1st draft of a short I'm shooting in january

[The Perineum Falcon]

2. Have the doctor taunt his patients by touching the side of their vagina with a tool and going, "BZZZZZ Operation! It takes a steady hand!"

HA HA HA!
That's funny.

[kotte]

The push-ins and stuff lead me to believe it will be very PTA-esque (specifically, the Magnolia prologue)... which is both good and bad.

Well, I see what you mean...but I feel the technique of push-ins are up for grabs...though I see what you mean.

For some reason, I'm reminded of Hudsucker Proxy. It has the same potential to be Looney Tunes-ish, but the jokes range from being too easy (Cock) to almost self-aware (calling them The Gangster, the Priest, etc.)

I agree the 'Cock' thing's a bit easy but hey, easy jokes are fine sometimes and I think it fits.

This whole short's self-aware...sometimes I write like that...I had an idea, thought it was funny and that's how it went.

[Gamblour.]

For some reason, I'm reminded of Hudsucker Proxy. It has the same potential to be Looney Tunes-ish, but the jokes range from being too easy (Cock) to almost self-aware (calling them The Gangster, the Priest, etc.)

I agree the 'Cock' thing's a bit easy but hey, easy jokes are fine sometimes and I think it fits.

This whole short's self-aware...sometimes I write like that...I had an idea, thought it was funny and that's how it went.

I still think you should go all out with the crying between the legs and have him hit his head against her vagina...that would be soooo great, it would make the gyno angle better, I think. And not to be picky, but I wrote what you quoted above  

[kotte]

I still think you should go all out with the crying between the legs and have him hit his head against her vagina...that would be soooo great, it would make the gyno angle better, I think. And not to be picky, but I wrote what you quoted above  

The pussy baning never occured to me...I'll consider it.

Yeah...? What's up with me misquoting and shit?  

[TheVoiceOfNick]

Kotte, if you make this into a short, i'd love to see it... post it on Xixax when you're done!

[kotte]

Kotte, if you make this into a short, i'd love to see it... post it on Xixax when you're done!

Glad you're interested...I'll post it next year when it's done.

[markums2k]

I'm being quoted on all sorts of stuff I didn't say...

Anyways, yeah, I wanna see it too.  You have an audience ready and waiting.

[ElPandaRoyal]

I liked it and I wanna see the finished movie, so... another member to your audience.

[foray]

I'm not a fan of whodunits. I don't like the 'cock' joke either. Hope it turns out, though.

foray
p/s I think Hudsucker Proxy is one of the worst film titles ever

[kotte]

A second and very different draft:


FADE IN.
EXT. DARK STREETS - EVENING
A man in a hat and high collar with a rose in hand walks street after street. His name is COOKE MARONEY (40s), private investigator.
EXT. CHURCH - LATER
Cooke enters.
INT. CHURCH - MOMENTS LATER
There are signs of a funeral that took place hours ago. The casket up front is open. Sad organ music is playing.
A MAN (30s) sits in the second row and a LADY (60s), dressed in black, in the back.
Cooke paces up to the casket. Inside is a man (60s) with half his face blown off. Cooke shakes his head and puts the rose down on the chest.
He takes a seat right behind the mourning man.
Beat.
COOKE
I'm sorry.
VIGGO
Thank you.
A couple of moments of silence.
COOKE
It's awful, his face. It's--
VIGGO
I heard...they told me.
Beat.
COOKE
You didn't see?
VIGGO
Mr. Maroney...your father in a casket. It's open. You know he died the way he died. Would you "take a look?"
LADY (O.S.)
Schhhh!
The men looks at her for a moment.
COOKE
Who's that?
VIGGO
(gasps)
My mother.
COOKE
Yeah? Why's she over there?
VIGGO
She hates me.
COOKE
No? Why?
VIGGO
Curious, are we?
(beat)
I guess that's why you do what you do, huh?
COOKE
Well...curiosity, greed and self-loathing.
Beat.
VIGGO
Anyway, one morning, I said 'G'morning'...and she didn't.
COOKE
Why is that?
VIGGO
She think I did it.
COOKE
Oh.
VIGGO
Can you believe that? Her son kill his own father.
COOKE
You didn't kill him.
VIGGO
No! I didn't!
COOKE
No, I'm telling you. You didn't do it.
(beat)
But I know who...and I know why.
VIGGO
You know?
COOKE
I know who and why.
VIGGO
Are you sure? Are you sure this one you know about killed my father?
COOKE
Positive. Pictures tell me who did it. The why's instinct...I trust my instinct.
VIGGO
Then tell me. Who killed him??
COOKE
The list you gave me--
Picks up a piece of paper from his pocket.
COOKE
With the people you thought might--
VIGGO
Yes?
COOKE
Well...none of them did it.
VIGGO
No? Not even the Gangster?
PIECE OF PAPER
Three names on it: The Pastor, The Gardener, The Gangster.
COOKE
Not even.
VIGGO
Then who did it?
Beat.
COOKE
The Butler.
VIGGO
The Butler?
(beat)
What butler?
COOKE
His.
Cooke points at the casket.
VIGGO
Nigel?? Are you crazy?
COOKE
Yes...it's chocking.
VIGGO
Why...? I respect your instinct but I think you're wrong. He couldn't have.
COOKE
The why's instinct. The who's on pictures.
VIGGO
I find it hard to believe...you see, he loved my father...more than most. Do you have the pictures?
Cooke grabs an envelope out of his pocket and out of the envelope two photographs.
COOKE
First: The way they found him.
He hands Viggo a picture of a man lying face down on a bed with his pants around his ankles.
Viggo takes a quick look and gives it back.
VIGGO
I know how they found him. The barbarian raped him.
LADY (O.S.)
(shouts)
Quite!
Viggo turns around.
VIGGO
(screams)
Shut the fuck up!
Beat.
LADY
Schhh.
Beat
COOKE
The police told you?
VIGGO
Yes but that doesn't prove--
COOKE
Did they tell you about...
Cooke hands him the second picture. A picture of a jar filled with water and a severed penis. The penis has a bow tied around it.
COOKE
The severed penis?
Viggo hyperventilates.
VIGGO
Oh mother! Oh mother! Oh mother! What is this!?! Who is it??
COOKE
Your father. I found it when I spoke to her.
He points at the Lady.
COOKE
In his room...as embellishment, if you can believe that.
Viggo throws up on the floor.
VIGGO
(cries)
Jesus Christ. Why?
COOKE
It's terribly awful...he's a fag, the Butler. Did you know that?
VIGGO
What are you talking about?
COOKE
How he likes men. Boys and elderly...you told me he loved your father. That's true. He did. More than most...he saw your father in his office, lured him to the master bedroom, shot him in the face and made love to his body.
Viggo cries.
VIGGO
Ohh - my - god.
COOKE
In that order. Police called it rape-murder. I call it murder-rape. He enjoys dead men. A necrophile. The worst kind: a gay necrophile.
A moment of verbal silence. The only thing heard is Viggo crying.
VIGGO
I'm gonna kill him...I will kill him and end my life.
COOKE
Yeah.
VIGGO
I can't live with this, knowing this. How could I go on?? I can't go on with this. Always knowing how he died. How someone did this to him and to me and to our family.
COOKE
I don't know.
(beat)
Can I have the picture back?
Viggo hands it to him. Cooke stands up.
COOKE
I'm very sorry.
He walks a few steps towards the exit and turns around.
COOKE
Come by my office tomorrow.
(beat)
With the money...yeah...it's tough.
He heads for the exit but stops at the Lady.
COOKE
Viggo didn't kill your man.
(beat)
The Butler did.
Beat.
Cooke's out.
Viggo's mother leaves.
Silence. Viggo's sobbing echoes.
EXT. STREET - EVENING
Viggo, in a high hat, reads the todays paper leaning against a building. A GENTLEMAN (40s) passes by. Viggo follows.
VIGGO
Nigel!
The gentleman turns around.
NIGEL
Oh, master Viggo. What a lovely evening we have tonight. The moon. The stars, the fresh a--
Viggo pulls out a gun. Nigel freezes.
VIGGO
Eat shit!
He blasts of a perverse amount of bullets into Nigel's body. He reloads several times.
Viggo puts the gun in his mouth. Speaks a few carefully chosen words.
VIGGO
(mumbles)
This is for you, daddy.
He pulls the trigger and falls dead to the ground. A screaming crowd runs to the bodies.
INT. OLD OFFICE - EVENING - FLASHBACK
A man cries behind his messy desk. It's CARL (60s).
Nigel walks in with the late night brandy.
NIGEL
Sir...? Are you crying, sir?
He bawls even louder. Nigel puts the brandy down on the desk.
NIGEL
Sir? You make me nervous. Why the tears?
CARL
It's over.
NIGEL
Over? What's not longer?
CARL
I'm finished. It's over now and I'm through.
NIGEL
Sir. You scare me, sir. You need to tell me.
CARL
I'm ruined, Nigel. Bankrupt.
(beat)
I have nothing left. He and his took it. I didn't see it coming. I have nothing left because I didn't see...and they never even crossed the line.
NIGEL
Oh, Carl...I'm...
CARL
There is nothing I can do...I can't afford this now. The life I've lived the better part of my life, now it's over. I can't afford it...and I can't afford you...amazing you.
Nigel strokes Carl's cheek.
NIGEL
Schhh...you will always afford me. Always.
(beat)
It's late. Come.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - LATER
Both men are lying, dressed, on the bed.
Carl's close to tears. Nigel listens.
CARL
I have nothing left. I'm a nobody.
(beat)
I have to tell Gloria and the boys.
NIGEL
You don't love them. You haven't for a long long time...and you know what? This could be good. The beginning of something new...and fresh. And the two of us.
CARL
That's not real. It's a love story. I have worked all my life for this. I'm a material man. I need things around me...I need the stuff. I need the social status...oh god, the club...
Carl in tears again.
NIGEL
You shouldn't care.
CARL
(angry)
I care! It's important to me! Didn't you listen? Don't you see? I am who I am. I'm the material man. I love you but what I have accomplished are so much more important.
Carl sits up and pulls himself together.
CARL
I have nothing.
(beat)
And I'm old...I can never get it back.
Nigel is now in tears.
NIGEL
Sir...
CARL
I'm through. I have nothing left... I'm nothing now and I will die with that. Nothing.
(looks at Nigel)
I want to die.
NIGEL
Silly, sir.
CARL
No. I know what I have to do.
NIGEL
You are crazy. I love you. Don't you see that? I love you to death.
CARL
I love you too, Nigel. If you love me that much...do this.
NIGEL
(upset)
Do what? What am I going to do?
CARL
I want you to be the one who ends my life.
NIGEL
Carl?!?
(beat)
Are you insane??!!
CARL
A dying mans last wish.
NIGEL
You are not dying.
CARL
(whispering)
But I am.
FADE TO:
MOMENTS LATER
Carl lies on the bed with Nigel sitting on top of him holding a gun.
Both of them cries.
CARL
My last wish. I will always love you if you do this.
NIGEL
I will.
Beat.
CARL
Good.
(beat)
Shoot me in the face and after you do that, make passionate love to my body.
(beat)
Will you do that for me?
Nigel kisses him.
NIGEL
Of'course...I love you.
CARL
I love you too...so much...and I want you to love my body.
(whispers in Nigel's ear)
Keep my penis...keep it for yourself. That way, I will always be yours.
Nigel aims it at Carl's face.
NIGEL
I love you so much.
CARL
I love you t--
Nigel shoots. Brain splattered on the pillow.
CUT TO BLACK.
NIGEL
I love you to death.


THE END

[The Perineum Falcon]

Wouldn't they fix his dad's face if it was an open casket?

And congratulations, you've written a deeply disturbing story.