A quick read...if you please :)

Started by coffeebeetle, September 26, 2003, 09:31:53 AM

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coffeebeetle

September 26, 2003, 09:31:53 AM
Hi everyone.  Just a little something I conjured up last night.  If any of you read my earlier script with the two gangsters, this is an addendum.  Joe in that script is Tom in this one, and what you're about to read here happens before the kidnapping.  Naturally I'll have to rewrite the Joe script and get rid of Winston, because Tom isn't a gangster anymore.  Hope that didn't confuse the shit out of you.  Please exeuse the formatting on this too, and thanks for any positive or negative feedback on this.  Later.

INT. HAIR SALON-DAY

Quick shots of women in various stages of "beauty"--in hair curlers, hair wrapped in towels, in blow dryers.  The camera moves down the aisle, taking the "ambiance" of the salon in, before parting the curtains to the back room to reveal:
TOM and JOSEPHINE, a couple in their late 20s.  Tom is rather scraggily-looking with shoulder length black hair, a t-shirt and jeans.  Josephine is beautiful in a gaudy way with tight black vinyl pants, a leopard-skin top and heavily-sprayed hair.  They're kissing passionately.  She's holding a bagged lunch.

      Josephine: (pulls away)  Sweetie, I've gotta get back to work.  Ms. Ryder's hair's gonna catch on fire if she stays in that blower a minute longer.

      TOM: Okay, but look, I didn't come here just to bring you lunch.  

      JOSEPHINE: Oh really?

      TOM:  I've got great news.

      JOSEPHINE: You got fired from the restaurant?

      TOM: Are you being funny?  How the hell is that funny?

      JOSEPHINE: It's not, but it'd be great news.

      TOM: Why? I need that job.

      JOSEPHINE: Jesus Tom, c'mon.  You've been a dishwasher for a year.  Your father's offered you a job about twenty times now at his shop.  What kind of guy doesn't like repairing cars?

      TOM: This guy doesn't like cars.  We're gonna have another stupid argument again, I know it.

      JOSEPHINE: I'm just trying to open your eyes sweetie.  
                         (She embraces and kisses him)
                        I can't be in love with a dishwasher for the rest of my life.

      TOM: Why does it matter when we love each other?

      JOSEPHINE: It matters alot.  Love isn't everything.

                         (She takes out a broom)
                        So what's your news?  I've gotta get back up front.

      TOM: Well, I...I'm getting you a ring next week.  

      JOSEPHINE: For what?  My birthday was last month.

      TOM: For my health Josie...no, seriously though, I...

      JOSEPHINE: You what?

      TOM: I wanna get married.  We've been together since high school and I realize that there isn't gonna be anyone else I could love more.  

      (Josephine laughs.)

      TOM: What's so goddamned funny?  I'm being serious.

      JOSEPHINE: You're not being serious.  You're proposing to me in the back of a hair salon.  You're a dishwasher.  I would've taken this seriously back in high school, but you were too busy eating glue.  

      TOM: I can't believe you.  

      JOSEPHINE: Well believe me baby.  Hell, I'd rather you were in the mob than a dishwasher.

       TOM: You mean that?

       JOSEPHINE: I've gotta get back to work.  We'll talk about this later.

       (She leaves through the curtains.  He pursues, pannicky.)

      TOM: Since when did you become so materialistic.  

      JOSEPHINE: Whoa! How can you accuse me of being materialistic?  I'm turning down your ring.  It's called being practical.  I'm 26, you're 25 and still living in your mother's basement.

     TOM: So you're saying no you won't.

     JOSEPHINE: Won't what?

     TOM: (exasperated, crestfallen) Marry me!

     (Heads in the salon turn.)

    JOSEPHINE: (hushed) We'll talk about this later.

    TOM: No, we'll talk about this now.

    JOSEPHINE: Would you stop being so fucking stubborn?  Wake up.  Get outta here.

     (Tom's speechless.  After a moment's hesitation, he storms out.)
more than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. one path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. the other, to total extinction. let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
woody allen (side effects - 1980)

metroshane

#1
September 26, 2003, 09:36:21 AM
Pretty good play so far.
We live in an age that reads too much to be intelligent and thinks too much to be beautiful.

coffeebeetle

#2
September 26, 2003, 09:39:29 AM
I'm actually planning on shooting this.  Anything else you hated about it? :)
more than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. one path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. the other, to total extinction. let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
woody allen (side effects - 1980)

SoNowThen

#3
September 26, 2003, 09:48:11 AM
Interesting characters, lots of potential.

One thing: a bit heavy on the backstory. Parse that info throughout the rest of your story, rather than telling us everything about them through their dialogue in this scene.

The glue line, btw, was hilarious!!
Those who say that the totalitarian state of the Soviet Union was not "real" Marxism also cannot admit that one simple feature of Marxism makes totalitarianism necessary:  the rejection of civil society. Since civil society is the sphere of private activity, its abolition and replacement by political society means that nothing private remains. That is already the essence of totalitarianism; and the moralistic practice of the trendy Left, which regards everything as political and sometimes reveals its hostility to free speech, does nothing to contradict this implication.

When those who hated capital and consumption (and Jews) in the 20th century murdered some hundred million people, and the poster children for the struggle against international capitalism and America are now fanatical Islamic terrorists, this puts recent enthusiasts in an awkward position. Most of them are too dense and shameless to appreciate it, and far too many are taken in by the moralistic and paternalistic rhetoric of the Left.

coffeebeetle

#4
September 26, 2003, 10:01:51 AM
Glad you called me on that backstory complaint.  I was concerned about that, but I felt that it was important you know their history just enough to understand why he was so "crestfallen."  Anyway, I'll definitely take that into consideration.
more than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. one path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. the other, to total extinction. let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
woody allen (side effects - 1980)

Weak2ndAct

#5
September 26, 2003, 01:58:58 PM
Yeah, I found it to be a little *too* expository for my tastes as well.  It feels like the characters are spouting their life stories back and forth.  Remember, it's always better to show people doing something than talking about it.  Hell, I'd rather see him propose right there and get shot down.
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