Give your opinion on this short script. Quick Read.

[Thecowgoooesmooo]

Hey everyone. I took 8 mins to write out this short dialogue piece because I was bored. Please give me your opinoins on this, critique as much as you like, tell me what you don't like about it. How the dialogue is. Ect. thanks

chris



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EXT. CITY PARK – DAY

It is a beautiful day. A young woman sits on a park bench. This is JODY. She wears a short skirt with matching accessories. An old weathered man sits opposite side of the bench. This is WINSTON.

WINSTON
Are you waiting for someone?

JODY
Yea

WINSTON
Oh. For who?

JODY
One of my girlfriends...

WINSTON
That's nice. I'm waiting also... for someone.

JODY
(Half-smiling)
Oh.

Jody's cell phone rings. She hesitates before flipping it open.

JODY
(to phone)
Hello... What do you want? Oh really. Yea. Ok. Uh huh.

She is becoming upset.

JODY (cont'd)
That's bullshit! And you know what Rob, we've already had this fucking conversation. It's over!

Phone call ends.

WINSTON
It sounds like someone is on thin ice.

JODY
What?

WINSTON
That fellow you were talking to.

JODY
Yeah. This happens all the time.

WINSTON
What does? The fights?

JODY
Rob and I always fight, but I love him.

WINSTON
Why do you fight so much?

JODY
He treats me like shit. Well just lately.

WINSTON
Oh... And you still love him?

JODY
Yes, I do. I know him too well.

WINSTON
You don't love him though.

JODY
Yes I do.

WINSTON
Well, you don't REALLY love him.

JODY
Uh yea I do. How would you know?

WINSTON
Real love is easy to see. You don't have it.

JODY
I love him and he loves me. That's why we always make-up.

Winston chuckles.

WINSTON
If you had real love we wouldn't be having this conversation.

JODY
Do you tell every girl you meet this?

WINSTON
No. Listen. This word love. It's been so overused. You know that? Nobody knows what real love is anymore. Love means so many different things to different people that it means nothing anymore. You know why the divorce rate is on the rise?

JODY
People don't always work out.

WINSTON
It's because even when the preacher is standing in front of them, they still have not realized that they don't have real love. That character your seeing now. Rob. You said he treated you bad.

JODY
No just late...

WINSTON
Real love would not have allowed Rob to treat you like that. It just doesn't. You know. These girls you see on those talk shows, with their boyfriends. They keep coming back, because they desperately long real love.

JODY
Your problem is you don't know me or anyone else's personal situation. So you don't know. You can't just make these assumptions. Your not them.

WINSTON
What I'm saying is true. Real love may be the most misunderstood meaning we know.

JODY
I'm not going to argue with you...

Jody stands up and begins walking away.

WINSTON
Hun I didn't mean to upset...

Winston's words dissolve into dribble as Jody walks farther away.

Tears run down her face.

[Ghostboy]

For some reason I pictured Winston as looking like the Cowboy from Mulholland Drive.

I don't think there's enough here for it to be anything of note, which is fine, since your introduction suggested it was just an exercise. I'm looking at it from this point of view: this stranger manages with quick efficiency to crush this woman's illusions of love. That's a good idea, but it doesn't really work as you have it now. I think it could stand to be a good bit longer, or maybe you could make the dialogue sharper (there's nothing here that would really make her cry, outside of her own circumstance), or both. There needs to be more of a build up before the phone call, in any case...she starts talking to him personally far too quickly.

There's nothing wrong with any the dialogue here, but again its too short for any sort of rhythm to build (or problems to emerge). My advice would be to stretch things out...give the folks, and the words they're saying, time to breath. Make it sound like they're saying them, and not like it's all been written.

[Tictacbk]

I liked the way Winston was coming...but right around ...

"WINSTON
No. Listen. This word love. It's been so overused. You know that? Nobody knows what real love is anymore. Love means so many different things to different people that it means nothing anymore. You know why the divorce rate is on the rise? "

his character seemed to change for me.  Its nothing real big, could all just be in my head.

[SoNowThen]

Boy I've met a lot of girls like that in my life...


Imo, the best scene of this nature is the one between Anna Karina & Brice Pairn (sp?) in the 2nd last section of My Life To Live, which deals with Love and Truth, among other things.

That's what came to mind...

[The Anvil]

I think it's a great exchange of talk, but you have to think of what you would do in that situation.  Personally, if someone induced me in a conversation on such an intrusive topic, I wouldn't delve into my feelings that quickly.  I think if it was a little bit longer, you could pull it off.  Good work!

[chainsmoking insomniac]

I think it's a great exchange of talk, but you have to think of what you would do in that situation.  Personally, if someone induced me in a conversation on such an intrusive topic, I wouldn't delve into my feelings that quickly.  I think if it was a little bit longer, you could pull it off.  Good work!

Good call.  I'm not convinced that she would just let him know the inner-workings of her heart like she did.  And it does need to be longer...the characters are rather flat....but I like the subject alot. I think it would have been cool if Winston opened up a bit too, maybe shared an experience he had with love, and that way he'd seem a little more fleshed out.  Anyway, I know it was just an exercise, so keep at it.  

[Thecowgoooesmooo]

thanks for all the feedback. i appreciate it.

and this conversation was actually a real 1, between me and some girl. the dialogue is n this exercise is straight from our real conversation, lol

chris

[Jake_82]

thanks for all the feedback. i appreciate it.

and this conversation was actually a real 1, between me and some girl. the dialogue is n this exercise is straight from our real conversation, lol

chris

did you already know the girl, or was it someone you hadn't met like in the scene... I think the scene might have worked a little better if it hadn't been two strangers, because it would seem more believable having this conversation with two people that know each other than two complete strangers.

[Thecowgoooesmooo]

did you already know the girl, or was it someone you hadn't met like in the scene... I think the scene might have worked a little better if it hadn't been two strangers, because it would seem more believable having this conversation with two people that know each other than two complete strangers.

I met this girl totally by chance, and I had never met her before. But I didn't talk to her on a park bench, it was more of a party situation.


chris

[Banky]

i pictured winston being an old spiritual black man figure

[chainsmoking insomniac]

I actually pictured him as an old Burt Lancaster (a la Field of Dreams) replete with a cap, a tweed coat, cane and shiny black dress shoes.