XIXAX ADVENTURES PART III: Attack of the Smiths

Started by ©brad, October 23, 2003, 07:04:49 PM

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©brad

part one: http://www.xixax.com/viewtopic.php?t=1737&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=90

part two: http://www.xixax.com/viewtopic.php?t=1920


WARNING: This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to the names or characteristics of actual people, including internet personas, is done so for comic purposes and should not be taken seriously.    

all caps provided by picolas and sickfins

Part III: Attack of the Smiths[/b]




P: What the hell is Agent Smith doing here?
CBRAD: Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!

Mogwai slaps Cbrad across the face. The four of them slowly inch their way backwards as Agent Smith approaches them.



AGENTSMITH: I'm looking for Xixax.
CBRAD: Xixax? I don't think we don't know any Xixax. Guys, do we know Xixax?
RK: No, I've never heard of Xixax.
P: Nah, me either. I don't know no Xixax.
CBRAD: Mogwai?

Mogwai shakes his head no.

CBRAD: Yeah, you see there, no Xixax. If we knew who Xixax was we'd be happy to tell you, but we don't know him so we can't tell you. Of course if we did know we'd tell, but we don't. So yeah, wish we could help you out, but again, we don't know him. Or her. Could be a her. We don't know.
MOGWAI: For real.
AGENTSMITH: You're lying to me. I do not appreciate being lied to.
CBRAD: Oh no sir, I can assure you we aren't lying to you. The last thing we would ever want to do is upset a man as uhh... well dressed as you are.
RK: Yeah, that's a nice suit. Gortex?
AGENTSMITH: Armani.
RK: Ahhh. Nice.
P: What do you want man?
AGENTSMITH: I want what you want.
RK: Money?
P: Pussy?
CBRAD: Drugs?
MOGWAI: Real tho?
AGENTSMITH: How arrogant you humans are. How could you ever assume you could possibly understand what I want?
P: You just said you wanted what we wanted.
SMITH: Did I? Or didn't I?
P: No, you did.
RK: Yeah dude, you did say that.
MOGWAI: For real.
SMITH: I need to see Xixax. That is all you need to know. Now, I will ask this again: Can any of you tell me where Xixax is right now?
P: Maybe we can, and maybe we can.
CBRAD: Dude, what are you doing?
RK: Fuck this, let's kick his ass. We can take him.
CBRAD: Are you nuts?! Have you even seen The Matrix?
P: It's about time you grew some balls, Cbrad. Come on RK.
RK: It's four against one. Besides, that's not real Armani anyway.

P and RK start to walk forward towards Smith. Mogwai follows closely behind, with Cbrad hiding behind him.

SMITH: (laughing) Go ahead. Bring it on. The best thing about being me is... there's so many of me.

RK, P, Cbrad, and Mogwai stand still, looking around, waiting for the impending entrance of duplicate Agent Smiths. Nothing happens.

Beat.

CUE: Sound of noisy crickets in the distance.

P: Uhh, so where are all your replicants?
SMITH: Damn... must be stuck in traffic.
RK: Oh yeah, that bridge traffic. We got stuck in that too.
SMITH: I guess I'll just have to do this myself.



Smith starts to approach the group. The boys get in a huddle.

P: Okay, quick- here's what we do. Cbrad, you attack him first.
CBRAD: What?! Why me? I'm the smallest!
P: Exactly. By seeing what he does to you, we can get a better understanding as to how good a fighter he is, and in doing so, better prepare ourselves to beat his ass.
RK: I like that idea.
CBRAD: That doesn't make any sense!
P: Do it, or you'll never get a job in this town again!
CBRAD: I've never even had a job in this town.
P: And you won't anytime soon!

Mogwai gives Cbrad a good-luck kiss on the check. The three of them push Cbrad towards Agent Smith, who is now very close.

CBRAD: Um, okay... Mr. Agent Smith sir... go easy on me, I'm just a writer you know...
SMITH: Writers... pfft... I detest writers. It's people like you who are responsible for getting most of my scenes left on the cutting room floor.
CBRAD: Actually that would be the editors and director who would be responsible for cutting your scenes, not people like me.
SMITH: Whatever.

Cbrad rushes up and kicks Agent Smith in the shin. Smith grabs Cbrad's arm and twists it around his back, breaking it.

CBRAD: AAAH! You broke my arm, you dick!

Smith grabs Cbrad by the foot, swings him around a repeated number of times before throwing him in the air. Cbrad lands in a dumpster right in front of RK's BMW.

MOGWAI: Real tho!
P: Damn, poor sonofabitch didn't even get one punch in.
SMITH: Next.

RK walks towards Smith, picking up a metal trash can lid that was conveniently sitting on the ground next to him.

RK: So, should we count to three or just have at it?

Smith immediately winds up a punch, aiming straight for RK's face. RK holds up the trash can lid, shielding his head. Smith punches through the trash can lid metal, connecting with RK's nose. Smith then kicks RK right in the stomach, sending him flying backwards, landing on the back windshield of his BMW. CUE: BMW car alarm.

P looks at Mogwai, both scared shitless. The two do rock-paper-scissors to determine who goes next. After three times, P loses.

P: Fuck me.

P walks towards Smith, who starts to smile as he approaches.

P: I like you're work.
SMITH: Thank you.
P: Let me ask you- when you were doing that round house kick on RK, how did you get your leg—say, what the hell is that!!?? (pointing behind Smith)

Smith turns around to look. P immediately punches Smith in the face, breaking the right lens piece to his sunglasses.

Smith turns back around, taking off his glasses and putting them in his coat pocket.

SMITH: I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mr.-... I didn't catch your name.
P: Pubrick. But you can just call me P.
SMITH:  Not a problem... Mr. P!

Smith grabs P's right arm and puts him into a headlock. P gets his left arm free and punches Smith in the thigh.

P: Charlie horse!

Smith lets out a yelp. He grabs P's head and jams it between legs, stuffing him into a ball. He then picks him up and throws him like a bowling ball. P goes rolling right underneath the car, hitting his head on the outside of the dumpster.

Mogwai immediately starts to run towards Smith.

SMITH: Saving the best for last?
MOGWAI: Check yo fuckin' nuts if dey still works!

Mogwai gets a running start and kicks Smith right in the balls. Smith hits the ground fast, screaming in pain before disappearing.

Mogwai walks back and helps RK and P back up. Both of them are badly bruised.

RK: Say, where's Cbrad?

CBRAD:(from the dumpster) I'm in here.

Mogwai jumps up and grabs Cbrad's arm, pulling him out of the dumpster.

CBRAD: Owww, my fucking arm! He broke it!
RK: Man, he fucked us up.
MOGWAI: For REAL tho.
P: You guys can't fight for shit. If it weren't for my boy right here we'd all be done for.

P gives Mogwai a high five.

RK: So what do we do now?
CBRAD: I don't know but we got to get to a hospital. My arm is really fucked up. Look, you can see the bone and everything.

The three of them look at Cbrad's bloody arm. A stream of blood shoots out of one of the erupted veins. Mogwai jumps back, screaming.

P: What are you doing, showing him that? You know he doesn't like blood.

P walks behind Mogwai, who has his head between his knees. P rubs his back.

CBRAD: Well I got to do something about this.
P: We can't go to the hospital. What are we suppose to say, you got your ass kicked by Agent Smith?
CBRAD: I'll just say I fell down some stairs or something.
RK: That won't work. You know how many people who get in fights and go to the hospital probably use that excuse just so they don't get in trouble?
CBRAD: How many?
RK: A lot.
P: Forget it. I got some Neosporin at my house. You'll be fine. We got bigger problems here. We still have to dump this body.
RK: What body?
P: The robber. The dead body in your trunk. Remember? The guy in the bar who we killed?
RK: No, I don't remember.
P: You don't remember an hour ago, we were sitting in the bar and that guy came in with the big gun and robbed everyone? And then Mogs slammed the- ahh fuck it. You're an idiot.
RK: Well, what I don't understand is what Agent Smith wants with Xixax.
CBRAD: I don't know but I think we should get out of here before he comes back.
P: Please. Did you see how hard Mogski kicked him? Right in the nuts too! I doubt he'll be back anytime soon.

Just then, about 100 replicant Agent Smiths show up from every possible direction: from the doors further down the alley, from the buildings above, up from the sewers from below, flying down from the sky, everywhere.




P: Oh yeah, I forgot about them.
RK: That bridge traffic musta not been that bad after all.



The four of them start to walk back towards the dumpster as all the replicant Smiths surround them. A couple more Agent Smiths fly in, landing on top of RK's car roof.

RK: Hey, hey, hey! Watch the car assholes! It's new!
SMITHS: (in unison) We're looking for Xixax.
P: Xixax? Hmm... is that the discount pharmacy?

The replicants get really close, trapping the four of them behind the dumpster.

RK: I don't think they bought it.
CBRAD: We're fucked!
RK: Say, fellas, can't we talk this thing out?
CBRAD: I'm normally not a religious man, but if you're up there, SAVE US NEO!!

Mogwai looks up in the sky to find a moving subject flying towards them. He pats P on the shoulder. P looks up.

P: Say, what is that?

RK and CBrad look up. The subject draws nearer.

CBRAD: Oh my god, look! It's Neo! I was right!
P: That's not Neo.
CBRAD: Well its Batman then.
RK: Batman doesn't fly.
CBRAD: Yeah he does.
P: Dude, your stupidity continues to amaze me. Batman does not fly. He swings on those wire gadgets of his.
CBRAD: Well it's fucking Superman then. Superman flies, yes? Can we all agree that Superman flies?
RK: Hey, you know who that is?
P&RK: SPHINX!!

Mogwai starts to cheer as Sphinx flies over the replicant agent Smiths and quickly grabs RK, Mogwai, Cbrad, and P.

SPHINX: Yoink!

Everyone holds on tight to Sphinx's belt as he starts to fly away, really really fast.

P: (down towards the Agent Smiths) So long fuckos!
MOGWAI: FOR REAL THO!!
RK: Don't touch the car!
CBRAD: Yeah, you guys really suck balls! Huge hairy donkey balls!

Just then, Cbrad loses his grip. His hands slip off of Sphinx's belt. P and RK try to grab his arm but it's too late. Cbrad starts to fall, screaming his head off.

P: We lost Cbrad.
RK: Oh no, he's falling right back down towards the Agent Smiths!

Cbrad continues to fall, screaming the whole way down. He lands right back into the dumpster. The Agent Smiths all convene towards him.

SPHINX: Blasted! Should we go back and get him?
P: Nah, he'll be all right.
RK: Agreed.
MOGWAI: Real tho.
SPHINX: Very well.
P: Say, since when have you been able to fly?
SPHINX: I dunno, just started the other day.
P: Huh.
RK: So what do we do now?
P: We need to go somewhere and figure all this out.
RK: Somewhere safe.
P: Somewhere with beer-
RK: And food-
P: And a bathroom. I've had to take a piss for the past 20 minutes.
SPHINX: To Jeremy's house!!

RK, P, and Mogwai hold on real tight as Sphinx halls ass through the dark sky.

INT. JEREMY BLACKMAN'S HOUSE- NIGHT



Camera slowly dollies in on JEREMY BLACKMAN sitting on his living room couch watching a movie. He is crying his eyes out. There is a huge pile of used tissues on the couch cushion next to him.

JEREMY: (sobbing) Fucking Ursula, why do you have to be so cruel?

Jeremy blows his nose and adds the used tissue to the pile. He then pulls out a small Ariel doll out of his pocket and starts to rub her hair, moving down towards her breasts.

JEREMY: Oh Ariel... you know how much I love you.

Just as he is about to go in for a kiss, he hears voices coming from the front door. He quickly stuffs the doll underneath the couch cushion, wiping the remaining tears off his cheek as he jumps up to turn off the DVD player, switching on NPR on his radio.

Sphinx, RK, Mogwai, and P enter through the front door hallway, not bothering to knock or ring the doorbell.

P: So you're saying you wouldn't fuck Kristin Scott Thomas up the ass for $75?
RK: I just don't think she's that attractive. She has fat ankles.
P: You're out of your fucking mind.
RK: I guess it's just a matter of taste.
P: Yeah, too bad you don't have any.

Jeremy stands up to greet them all as they come into the living room.

SPHINX: Hey Jeremy.
P: Hey Jeremy.
RK: Hey Jeremy.
MOGWAI: Tho real tho.
JEREMY: Everyone. How are things?

Sphinx runs up and gives Jeremy a bear hug before heading into the kitchen to get something to eat. P and RK take a seat on the couch. Mogwai sits on the floor, indian style.

P: Say, what's wrong?
JEREMY: What?
P: You look like you were just crying or something.
JEREMY: What? What are you talking about?
P: Your eyes. They're all red. RK, doesn't he look like he's been crying?
RK: Hmm...

RK turns and moves in real close to Jeremy, looking at his eyes.

P: Well? Is that a yes?
RK: Yes, it's a yes.
P: Wait a second, what the hell...

P feels an unusual lump in the couch cushion he's sitting on. He reaches under it and pulls out the Ariel doll.

P: Oh I'm gonna have a field day with this.
JEREMY: It's not mine!

P stands up and walks over to the DVD player. He presses the eject button and pulls out the DVD.

P: The Little-fucking-Mermaid? Are you serious?
JEREMY: It's not mine. It's my little sisters.
RK: You don't have a little sister.
JEREMY: Are you calling me a liar?
P: I got to get some new friends.
SPHINX: (From kitchen) Jeremiah! You don't have anymore Apple Jacks!
JEREMY: Bottom shelf! Next to the Fresca!
SPHINX: Hey, can I have a Fresca?
JEREMY: Yes!
SPHINX: Where are they?
JEREMY: Next to the Apple Jacks!
SPHINX: Okay!
JEREMY: So, what happen to you guys? And where is Cbrad?
RK: He didn't make it.
JEREMY: What happened to him?
P: I don't want to get into it. It's a long, fucked up story, lot of ins, lot of outs, lot of whathaveu's, and I'm too fucking tired to even begin-
RK: - So we all met at Flannagans to go over Cbrad's script. We were sitting in the back booth right next to the dart board. Cbrad was upset that we weren't going to be able to get the turtles-
P: Hey, I thought you couldn't remember.
RK: It just came to me.

CUE: Phone ring. Jeremy picks up a portable phone off the coffee table.

JEREMY:Hello?
PICOLAS: [on phone] It's me, Picolas. I will be there momentarily.
JEREMY: Okay.

Jeremy hangs up the phone just as Picolas comes crashing through the sliding glass door, sending little pieces of glass everywhere.

MUSIC CUE: "Pimp Juice" Nelly

P: Picolas what the fuck!
JEREMY: He likes to make an entrance.
RK: Where's that music coming from?
PICOLAS: Friends of mine, RK, I say hello. Before we do anything else, I have something to say, so it's important that none of you get in my way. You have many questions I am sure, but do not fear. I have been watching you all, and I feel the answers are near...
P: What are you rhyming now?
JEREMY: All his friends are doing it. I don't really get it myself.
P: Another reason not to go to Canada.
PICOLAS: Without further ado, let me- what the hell is that doing here!

Picolas points over to Sphinx, who walks into the living room eating a banana, Fresca in hand.

SPHINX: Ughh, you're here.
PICOLAS: I am not standing anywhere near that!
RK: What's with you two?

FLASHBACK- EXT: TACO BELL PARKING LOT- AFTERNOON

A long shot of Picolas outside a Taco Bell talking with POOKIE THE CAT and LUCINDA BRYTE. Picolas is flirting with them. We don't hear their conversation but from the looks of it Picolas has just told a joke, for both the girls are laughing.

CUT TO:
Closeup of Sphinx hiding in a nearby bush watching Picolas. He watches closely as Picolas says goodbye to the girls and starts walking towards him. Sphinx grabs a broken tree branch and sticks it out of the bush, tripping Picolas and sending him crashing on the sidewalk pavement.

The two girls start laughing uncontrollably. Picolas's nose starts bleeding.

END OF FLASHBACK

P: Damn, that was some cold shit Sphinx.
MOGWAI: For real tho.
SPHINX: Pftt... he knew better.
PICOLAS: What? Just cuz they like me more than you? I'm sorry if I can pull more ass than you can Sphinx, I'm really sorry. There's nothing I can do about that.
SPHINX: What happened to your rhyming, ass goblin?
JEREMY: Okay, okay, enough of this. Picolas, Sphinx, just stay away from each other for the time being. Now, obviously something bad had happened tonight, and from what I can guess its not over. Picolas, when you first got here you said you had something to tell us, important news of some sort. Go ahead.

CUE: Phone ring. Jeremy runs over and picks it up.

JEREMY: Hello?... Hey Mac... Yeah... Yeah they're all over here... yeah... yeah okay, call you back. (hangs up) That was Mac. He says to turn on the TV. There's something on the news about you guys.
RK: Picolas, what's your news?
PICOLAS: Actually, that was it. I was going to tell you to turn on the TV because I saw something on the news about you guys.

Mogwai runs over to the TV and turns it on. A CNN news reporter comes on the screen. She is reporting live from the same alleyway at which RK, P, Mogwai, and Cbrad had their fight in. In the background RK's BMW is clearly visible.

REPORTER: Coming to you live from an alleyway off Magnolia Blvd. where authorities have just uncovered a dead body in the trunk of a black BMW. The body is yet to be identified. Authorities did find large amounts of blood outside the car and inside a nearby dumpster. Although we have no confirmed reports, the police believe that this was one of several gang fights that have been reoccurring over the past few weeks here in downtown Los Angeles.

RK: Fuck! They're gonna trace my license plate! They'll know it's my car.
P: Yeah, that's too bad buddy.
JEREMY: They're not mentioning Cbrad at all.
P: Maybe he's still in the dumpster.
JEREMY: No, they checked the dumpster. They said they found blood in it.
PICOLAS: Wait! There's more!

REPORTER: Okay, we just got word that the dead man in the trunk was actually wearing some sort of rubber face mask. He has been identified as 37 year old Brett Ratner-

EVERYONE: HOLY SHIT!
SPHINX: Haha! Silly fucker!
RK: Ratner! Who woulda thought?
PICOLAS: Didn't you guys recognize his voice?
P: Obviously not.
JEREMY: Why though? Why would he do that? It doesn't make any sense.
P: No, it makes perfect sense. He had read Cbrad's script and wanted it for himself. He offered me $50 grand for it. I told him to go fuck himself.
JEREMY: Oh, I see.

CUE: Doorbell.

Everyone freezes.

JEREMY: I'll get it.

Jeremy walks over to the front door.

JEREMY: Who is it?
MAN@DOOR: Federal Express.

Jeremy looks through the peephole.

JEREMY: It's Agent Smith! And they're about 100 more behind him!
SPHINX: So polite. He comes here to kill us but yet still rings the doorbell.
P: We gotta get out of here. Jeremy where's your car?
JEREMY: I don't have a car.
P: So what do you do?
JEREMY: I get by.
P: Picolas, where's your car?
PICOLAS: I skipped over here.
P: Well we're fucked then. Sphinx you can't carry us all on your belt, can you?
SPHINX: Hrmm... I don't think there's enough room.
JEREMY: Say, I got this old sleigh we used to put on our roof for the Christmas. There's enough room in it for all of us, that is, if Sphinx could pull it?
SPHINX: Hrmm... I suspect I can.

The doorbell rings again.

JEREMY: Uhh... coming!
PICOLAS: Everyone, quick! To the garage!
SPHINX: (to Picolas) I really hate you.

They all run through the kitchen out the garage door. Agent Smith Starts to bang on the front door, eventually kicking it open.

INT. PLUMBING & NOVELTY PLUNGER WAREHOUSE- NIGHT

We open on a wide shot of a man sitting behind a desk in a big, empty warehouse. The bottom half of the walls are painted blue. A light bulb swinging from a wire attached to the ceiling provides the only available light source, thus making the environment extremely dark.

We slowly push in on this man who has his hands tied behind his back. His mouth is ducted taped shut. A small amount of blood slowly drips from his right temple. As we come closer to him it becomes apparent that this man is XIXAX.

We enter into a tight close-up of Xixax's face. He is breathing hard. His feeble attempts to break his hands free are unsuccessful. From off screen we hear the sound of footsteps. An unidentified man starts to pace back and forth in front of the desk. We remain in close up, never seeing who this man is. His voice is unrecognizable.

MAN: You look surprised. I must say I don't see how you could be surprised to see me. Surely you knew this day was coming.

A hand comes into frame holding a hankerchief, wiping the blood from Xixax's cheek.

MAN: I told her not to say anything. I told her to keep her mouth shut and yet her loyalty to you prevailed. She felt it was the right thing to do. And now you're here because of her. It doesn't matter really. None of it matters. It all comes down to this: Xixax is going down and there is nothing you can do about it.

Xixax starts to mumble something through his gag when all of a sudden—BAM- he is interrupted by a gunshot to his head.


TO BE CONCLUDED...[/color][/b]

Xixax

QuoteXixax? Hmm... is that the discount pharmacy?
Best

Line

Ever
Quote from: Pas RapportI don't need a dick in my anus to know I absolutely don't want a dick in my anus.
[/size]

NEON MERCURY

..good  job... :yabbse-thumbup: .



BUT......


the matrix-fest that has seen to hit this board  and spread like a wildfire(i.e. avatars, false hope that the new film will be any better than the last, this thread, etc)..has got to stop...its getting played out now..overkill..

..i am not trying to get on eveyone's bad side but (unfortunatley) this post might do so..does any one else here agree.....
or can the matrix fanboys clue me in  on the sudden popularity of "matrix related" material present on this board.....


remeber i am not trying to "start" something..i am just curious.....

::puts on his verbal abuse armor::

Xixax

Quote from: Pas RapportI don't need a dick in my anus to know I absolutely don't want a dick in my anus.
[/size]

Banky

Quote from: NEON MERCURY




the matrix-fest that has seen to hit this board  and spread like a wildfire(i.e. avatars, false hope that the new film will be any better than the last, this thread, etc)..has got to stop...its getting played out now..overkill..



im too tired

Jeremy Blackman

Oh My God.

This is when I lost it:

Quote from: ©bradINT. JEREMY BLACKMAN'S HOUSE- NIGHT

That whole scene really was beautiful.   :cry: (especially the crying part)

:yabbse-thumbup:

MacGuffin

Jesus Christ, even in stories I'm at home doing nothing but watching TV.
"Don't think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it's good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art." - Andy Warhol


Skeleton FilmWorks

RegularKarate

I wish I were as rich and obviously coked out of my mind as I am in CBrad's story.

Cecil

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR THE CHRISTMAS!!!!! THIS IS FUCKING GENIUS!!!! GENIUS!!!! CANT WAIT FOR MORE

bonanzataz

Quote from: ©brad
TO BE CONCLUDED...[/color][/b]


you...dirty...BASTARD!!!!

I WANT TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS, DAMMIT!


you are fantastical cbrad. that is all...
The corpses all hang headless and limp bodies with no surprises and the blood drains down like devil's rain we'll bathe tonight I want your skulls I need your skulls I want your skulls I need your skulls Demon I am and face I peel to see your skin turned inside out, 'cause gotta have you on my wall gotta have you on my wall, 'cause I want your skulls I need your skulls I want your skulls I need your skulls collect the heads of little girls and put 'em on my wall hack the heads off little girls and put 'em on my wall I want your skulls I need your skulls I want your skulls I need your skulls

cine

Do we have to wait until February for this too?!

Cecil

will the next one be the last of the storyline, or the last xixax adventure ever?

picolas

that was very very very very funny. all of it.

Pedro

Too much...i love it.  Good job again, senior.

©brad

spanx everybody!

i'll try to get the next one done by next week. we shall see. i also try to incorporate more ppl into it.

special thanks to picolas and mr. sickfins for the wonderful caps!  :-D