If you have nothing better to do...

[ElPandaRoyal]

... could you take a look at this introduction of a script for me and tell me what you think? I started writting this only to try out my new screenplay writing program and I just kept writing and writing and it came down to this. I had no plan wahtsoever when I satrted with this and I'd just like to know if you guys, as readers, find any interest in this at all. Fell free to be as critic as you wish. Just to warn you guys... it will take you nowhere, 'cause it's only the first few scenes of something I'm yet to find out what it is... so here we go...

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YET UNTITLED, by João Costa

BLACK SCREEN

MAN'S VOICE
It's in the way you use it.  Nothing else.  If you don't use it the right way, things will get messed up and there'll be nothing more you can do about it.

FADE IN:

P.O.V. OF SOMEONE WHO'S SITTING ON A CHAIR:

In front of him is a large crowd of people, all talking, drinking cocktails and smoking cigarettes - party environment.  We stare at them for a few seconds.

ANGLE ON CHARLES

CHARLES is on his early 40s.  He's a tall, thin man, wears glasses and seems to be miles away from that party.  He just stares at everyone around him and doesn't say a word.  Actually, he seems to be sweating and something seems to be bothering him.

He gets up and starts to walk away from the crowd.

Someone notices this and yells at him.

WOMAN'S VOICE
Charles, where are you going, dear?

Right after that is said, Charles collapses, falls to ground and causes the panic at the party.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM.

P.O.V. OF SOMEONE LYING ON A HOSPITAL BED:

All we see is a nurse, standing next to us.  She realizes we/the person in the bed just woke up and talks to directly to us.

NURSE
Mr. White?  How are you feeling now?

A long beat.

NURSE
Mr. White, can you hear me?

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK. MORNING.

CHARLES WHITE is sitting on a bench at the park.  It's early in the morning (about 8a.M.), but there are some people already there: some jogging, some parents walking and playing with their children.

CAMERA SLOWLY DOLLIES IN ON CHARLES.

CHARLES (VO)
So there you had it.  This is how it all began.  A stress induced breakdown, a couple of weeks at the hospital far from my wife, the kids and those excruciating dinner parties which everyone but me seem to enjoy.  Now I'm having what's usually referred to as "the recovery".  What the fuck am I recovering from?  Who knows... and I don't really care about it.  That's what's wonderful on this day and age... we get excused from work because of some stupid non-sense thing that we THINK we have.

CUT TO:

INT. CHARLES'S APARTMENT. KITCHEN. LATER.

SANDY WHITE is at the kitchen, preparing lunch, when we hear someone entering the house.

SANDY
Charlie, is that you, sweetheart?

CHARLES
Yeah, it's me.

SANDY
I just started making lunch.  It won't be ready for a while.

CHARLES
It's alright.

SANDY
Did you enjoy your walk on the park?

CHARLES
Sure.  It was refreshing.

SANDY
Oh really?

A beat.

CHARLES
Yeah!

At this moment, Charles comes into the kitchen.

SANDY
You got out quite early.  You didn't even had breakfast with me and Tommy.  What did you do all this time?

CHARLES
I don't know... I went to the park and I just sit there for a while.  Then I walked a little as well.  I just walked and walked... the I got hungry and came back here.

He opens the fridge and takes a big piece of pie.

SANDY
Oh, sorry about lunch being and all.  I really wanted to...

CARLES
(interrupting)
It's alright.  I'll just eat a piece of pie now while I wait.

Freeze frame.

CHARLES (VO)
The worse about being in the recovery phase is how people talk to you.  They treat you like you're a spoiled ten-fuckin'-year-old momma boy.  But hey... at least she's talking to me now.

CUT TO:

INT. CHARLES'S APARTMENT. NIGHT.

Charles and Sandy are sitting on the sofa, watching a dull T.V. soap.  Sandy is really into it, but Charles seems as uninterested as anyone could possibly be.

Loooooooong silence.  Now, slowly, Charles makes a move on his wife.  His hands start heading towards her legs.  She doesn't even notice that at first, but then she reacts.

SANDY
What are you doing?

CHARLES
Well... I thought we could... ya know...

SANDY
Right now?  I'm watching this!

CHARLES
Well, excuse for not knowing that what happens to Layla and Raphael is more important to you than our sex life.  Plus when you insisted we let Tommy sleep at your sister's I thought you had plans for us tonight.  But I guess I was wrong...

SANDY
Don't worry.  It's normal for someone to make a wrong judgment sometime.

After hearing this, Charles gets stunned.  Sandy keeps on watching her show as if nothing had happened.  He gets up and walks away from her.

CHARLES (VO)
See... this was our marriage a couple of months ago.

BACK TO:

INT. CHARLES'S APARTMENT. KITCHEN.

It's the continuation of the scene before the last one.  Charles is now eating his piece of pie, sitting at the kitchen table, while Sandy is still making lunch.

CHARLES (VO)
And this is our marriage right now... at least now she pretends to care about me, except when it comes to sex.  That only happens on special occasions.

INSERT:

A CALENDAR.  We start in January and a hand comes into frame several times to move for the next month.

NOTE: There are some "X" marked randomly there.  But not more than one for month, if there's any at all.

CHARLES (VO)
"X" marks the days we had sex during the past year.

Suddenly, as we enter August, there is a reasonable number of "X" marks.

CHARLES (VO)
I don't know what the fuck happens in August, but something happens to her hormones or something and she becomes a dog in heat.  But, of course, everything gets back to normal after that...

The remaining months of the year again show very few "X" marks.

CUT TO:

INT. TOMMY'S ROOM. MINUTES LATER.

CLOSE UP: A six-year-old kid.  He's Tommy.

CHARLES (VO)
And then there's Tommy.  Little angel-like, blue eyes, mommy's little baby Tommy...

INSERT a quick montage of shot where Tommy is behaving like the most annoying kid that ever lived.

CHARLES (VO)
I can't stand the fucking kid!

--------

and this is it so far..... sorry if reading it as a complete waste of time  :P

[markums2k]

I really like it.     Thank you for sharing.

Only change I would make is, take out the 'fuck's.  Save them.

[ElPandaRoyal]

LOL. Well, thanks for liking then  8)  i've been thinking about what to do next and I came upwith this idea about mixing what I have for now with an old idea I had which I think could belong here. I'm gonna think about it. As far as the "fuck"s go, well, I didn't really take a second look at what I wrote, but you're probably right. I'll see about that.

Merci pour..... uh..... what the hell.... thanks for reading

[Jake_82]

Good beginning... if Jack Nicholson were younger I could picture him playing the main character, it sort of reminded me of his character in About Schmidt. I wouldn't reccomend saying "We" like the hospital scene, you could say "The nurse looks into the camera" or something like that instead. I'm interested to hear more of this.

[ElPandaRoyal]

Yeeeeeeah..... probably very "About Schmidt"/"American Beauty" based, now that I took a 2nd read. And it's funny, because although I like those films a lot, they're far from being on my "Top Ten List thing of all time". However, I'm really into Alan Ball, so it might have something to do with it.......

Also, sorry for some of the spelling and all. I'll make some small changes and try to develop the story as much as I can...

[markums2k]

Yeeeeeeah..... probably very "About Schmidt"/"American Beauty" based, now that I took a 2nd read. And it's funny, because although I like those films a lot, they're far from being on my "Top Ten List thing of all time". However, I'm really into Alan Ball, so it might have something to do with it.......

Also, sorry for some of the spelling and all. I'll make some small changes and try to develop the story as much as I can...

Alan Ball, eh?  Now that I read it again, I half expect a title card after he collapses.  But you'd have to fade to white instead of black...

Charles White    1962 - 2003

I love that show.  

[ElPandaRoyal]

Muahaha!!!!! I think I'm gonna be a little more subtle than that , but yes, SFU is one of the best TV Shows I've ever seen. Which reminds me.... how many seasons have you guys seen so far in the U.S.? We here in Portugal only saw the first two seasons and I have no idea what happened after that. Hope we get some new episodes soon.

I am tajing notes about this script of mine right now and I think I'm actuallt kind of liking it, which is something quite unique about my own work... I usually don't like what I end up writing. But this time, who knows...[/quote]

[Jake_82]

Here in the US, the 3rd season just finished last month. And yesterday we found out it got nominated for 17 emmy awards! w00t!

[Ghostboy]

I enjoyed it as well. The opening VO is great, it hooks you in. I would agree, though, that the fucks need to be removed from the rest of it. It makes it sound too cynical. Personally, I think it might be more intriguing  (and less likely to get the American Beauty comparisons) if you communicate what's going on with voice over. It would be tough making the six months ago cut that way, but I'll bet you could figure out a way to do it.

[ElPandaRoyal]

Hey guys, thanks a lot for your opinions about my script. I'm on the process of trying to figure out which way to take with all this and I think I'm gonna make something at least enjoyable to read.

Here in the US, the 3rd season just finished last month. And yesterday we found out it got nominated for 17 emmy awards! w00t!

That's what sucks about being portuguese :P we have to wait a lot more than you guys to see the good TV Shows... but hay, at least we are getting to see them, and I don't mind waiting for "Six Feet Under" a couple more months, 'cause I know it'll be worth it.