Major Tom

[Redlum]

Here is the first draft of my second script, called Major Tom. Although I like the idea, I'm not that happy with it and need something to reinvent the flow of the story. I feel its unnecessarily complicated, especially for a short film, and doesn't have much balance (the ending feels very rushed to me). Anyway, I'd really like to take a fresh approach at it but I'm not sure which direction to take, I just want to make a film right now.

Well, if you could spare some time to read along with some crits and suggestions - it would be greatly appreciated.

http://www.r2ka.freeserve.co.uk/george/Major%20Tom.htm

[markums2k]

Time for a quick lesson in English, just because it's something I used to struggle with when I was writing, and I noticed it in the script:

It's = Abbreviation for 'it is.'

Its = Possessive form.  'Its mine'.

Anyways,  ,  I think it might be better to keep it simple, just like you mentioned.  Maybe if the whole thing is about Tom just building up the courage to say 'hi' at the office, in-person, it might be enough.  I think it might be interesting to show Tom in this alien environment; a seemingly fast-paced, high-tech office world.  I think there's lots of opportunities for Tom to be intimidated and angered by all the other successful men that surround Sally.

I liked it as-is, though.  Very nice.  Swan Lake... that's hilarious.  And the opening is very strong, the stuff with the TV Show.  Clever exposition.  Thanks for sharing!

[BrainSushi]

Its = Possessive form.  'Its mine'.

"Its mine" isn't showing the possessive form... unless by "mine" you mean like, a diamond mine or something...

"Its hand" "Its foot" That's possession.

[Pubrick]

It's = Abbreviation for 'it is.'

Its = Possessive form.  'Its mine'.

usually when sumone corrects another's grammar, it should be for the better. i'll just assume u were embarrassing urself for our amusement.

[markums2k]

It's = Abbreviation for 'it is.'

Its = Possessive form.  'Its mine'.

usually when sumone corrects another's grammar, it should be for the better. i'll just assume u were embarrassing urself for our amusement.

Always.  

You're correct BrainSushi.  I wasn't thinking of my example... it IS mine.  It's been a long day.

Anways, not the entire point of my post.

[markums2k]

Here we go:  

It's = Abbreviation for 'it is'.  'It's good to re-read your posts before submitting them'.

Its = Possessive form.  'Xixax has its fair share of dumbasses.'

If Xixax has an award for Best Grammar in a Short Post, I know who WON'T be getting a nomination.  Sadly.

[budgie]

Just trying to cheer you up. Come on,
                     are you hungry, we could go to the
                     Little Chef.

God, that made me laugh.

I used to commute along the M40 from Oxford every day, so this has a peculiar lack of glamour mixed with it's sleight of hand mystery. Because of that I like it very much. Would you keep it visually bland on purpose, redlum? And have you seen Chris Morris' Jam - that's kind of how it feels, only a little less woozy, slightly less obviously surreal but perhaps ultimately more so because of the stylistic deception.

[Redlum]

Firstly, thanks to all you folks for the spelling tips.

Budgie, I have seen Jam and its a great show. One of my favourite sketches was the couple asking each other why their son is so late home from school, and weeks go by and they're still wondering until the police call. And then they're asked to identify the body but they'd forgot about it and they cant be arsed so they ask the police to give a description over the phone. Anyway...

I hadn't really condsidered the show but I really do understand what you mean. I guess I was following the Terry Gilliam philosiphy of hyper-reality. I mean I got the idea from listening to the radio traffic reports, and just slightly elaborated a character from there, but not so much that it would become OTT. Interestingly I've started a second draft where I've twisted the idea around so that Major Tom has a nemisis called Sgt Pepper, and they both enter into a duel of sorts to win the hearts of Sally. It then follows a more conventional narrative where both the guys antics to sabotage each others attempts become more and more childish. Until finally, it gets out of hand and Tom ends up taking stock of the direction his life is going.

Some complaints I've had from friends on the first draft is that the ending is hard to follow and slightly improbable, particulalry with the restraining order. Just wondering budgie if you thought the whole thing was slightly too complicated for a short?

[Ghostboy]

Man, I really loved this! It's very sweet and very funny. The dialogue is a joy to read. I'm concerned about your plans to add a villainous character...it's so wonderful already, I'd be worried that a rival might make it over complicated (and overlong). Anyway, please post your rewrite when you get it done.

I agree with your friend about the ending being a little confusing. I mean, I know what happened -- I figure he told the police everything, they told Sally, and she asked for the restraining order. I'm not sure, though, WHY he'd tell the police everything. I think the restraining order is a good idea, you just need to more clearly convey how she found out he's been stalking her.

Also, if the possessive apostrophes were all Markum noticed as incorrect, then he didn't read the script too closely. You might want to give it a careful punctuation/spell/grammar check.  Also, Russell's name switches to Tony once or twice.

[budgie]

Just wondering budgie if you thought the whole thing was slightly too complicated for a short?

No, not really, considering the ending. You need to pile on the complications for the stark reality to hit home: if it's all in his head then it might be complicated. That's why I asked about the visual presentation, because I see that as kind of uncomplicated, as a mask.

As for the 'implausibility'... I  think to elaborate as Ghostboy suggests would kill it. It works for me because there are gaps (again, that's how the deluded mind works, it has its own logic). If we could work it all out it would be dull (see the great Lynch).

If you do that rewrite, then I can only conclude that my reading is superior to your writing. Sorry, doll, but that's the way it is. Pushing Tin is great and all, but that's something else.

But since you're not gonna, I still respect you.  

[Redlum]

Cheers Budgie and Ghostboy.

I guess in my own technical analysis I forgot exactly what you pointed out and that is - my character is delusional.

That 2nd draft I started became very tongue in cheek and the pushing tin element did start to come into play. It totally killed the emotion. I did get a few lines out of it though, so it wasnt a total waste.

As for your reading being superior to my writing - I'm sure it is. The very fact that after a few confused reviews from friends I ended up losing perspective on the thing, doesn't really show much conviction in my writing. Still, the only reason I write at the moment is purely to make a film,  so I guess thats to be expected.

Thanks for your comments they've been of great use. I've got to do the much needed grammar/spelling/punctuation scan along with a few tweaks and get it out to the actors, see what they say. I want to get this under my belt before I start university.