lookin for suggestions regarding a short film script

Started by ludovico, April 07, 2003, 12:42:16 AM

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ludovico

i realize there is a lot of direction. most of the direction is just notes for my benefit as i plan on directing this myself. i am just curious as to whether or not the dialogue works as well as i think it does.

Fridge
by Patrick O'Riley

EXT. BRIDGE - DAY
Long, far away shot of a refrigerator sitting under a bridge on the banks of a river. Children, ages 7 to 10, are running around the refrigerator laughing for the duration of the shot. The opening credits play over the shot. Among the children is a BOY WITH A RED HAT.

FADE TO:

BLACK

NARRATOR (V.O.)
About four months ago, a friend of mine and I attended a police auction in Los Angeles with the intention of buying me a car.

FADE IN TO:

EXT. TRUCK RIDE - DAY
GREG, driving, and SCOTT, passenger, are riding in an old pickup truck.

SCOTT
(calmly)
Red light.

GREG
(startled)
Whoa, shit!

Truck jerks to a stop. A loud metal screeching can be heard. The screeching is not the brakes.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
SCOTT is washing dishes with his sleeves rolled up his arms. GREG is in the background at a table with a newspaper.

GREG
I'm tellin' ya Scott, I've been to these things before. The cars are awesome and they sell em' real cheap cause it's a hundred percent profit.

SCOTT
Is it just cars?

GREG
Nah, they got tons of stuff.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCK RIDE - DAY
The shot trucks along the side of the vehicle, which appears to have been in a pretty bad accident, toward the tailgate to reveal a refrigerator lying in the bed with loose ropes wrapped around it.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Somehow, we ended up leaving the police auction with a refrigerator lazily strapped down in the bed of Greg's pick-up truck.

Close up shot of GREG's face. Screeching sounds can be heard accompanied by the tightening of GREG's face muscles.

Close up shot of a corner of the refrigerator tearing a gash in the truck bed with another louder screech.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE AUCTION - DAY
Room full of people at desks. The AUCTIONEER at the front of the room is showing a PowerPoint presentation with a picture of himself standing next to a refrigerator in a parking lot. SCOTT and GREG are in the back bickering inaudibly over whether or not they should bid on it. GREG holds up his hand and SCOTT is laughing and pulling GREG's arm down.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCK RIDE - DAY
Truck continues down street.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
We were the only bidders on the fridge. (beat) Forty dollars. Not bad. (beat) We needed a fridge, but weren't exactly in the market for one. We were still operating out of a cooler.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Quick flash of cooler filled with ice cream cartons, milk, beer, etc.

CUT TO:

EXT TRUCK RIDE - DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
It came as a pleasant surprise.

SCOTT
(beat) How are we gonna unload it?

GREG
I don't know.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE AUCTION - DAY
Auction room is slowly emptying except for the people heading to the front of the room.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
As soon as the auction ended, all the winning bidders were directed to the desks at the front of the room. We all had to fill out forms. (beat) Why so many forms?

Shots of forms being signed by both SCOTT and GREG. Both are being handed clipboard after clipboard.

SCOTT
(honestly confused)
We only won the refrigerator.

AUCTIONEER
I'm sorry sir, the forms are mandatory.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Are we getting ripped off? Does the refrigerator even work?

CUT TO:

EXT. POLICE STATION PARKING LOT - DAY
Just outside of the police station, GREG and SCOTT are carrying the bottom of the fridge and two UNIFORMED MEN are standing in the bed pulling the top of the fridge into the truck bed.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Before we even had a chance to check out the inside of it, two UNIFORMED MEN helped us load it into the truck.

Close-up of SCOTT's face. He is lifting his share of the weight but he seems to be staring through the refrigerator door, which is facing up.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
I felt like a pallbearer. It shouldn't be this heavy. Maybe there's a body in the refrigerator. Of course,...

CUT TO:

INT. CRIME SCENE - NIGHT
Shot from over the shoulders of INVESTIGATORS in lab coats. Using their gloves, the INVESTIGATORS open the refrigerator door to reveal the body squeezed into the fetal position inside. It is the BOY WITH A RED HAT from the opening shot.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
...someone was killed and the careless investigators left the body in the fridge. I am a pallbearer.

CUT TO:

EXT. POLICE STATION PARKING LOT - DAY
The UNIFORMED MEN finish loading the fridge into the truck and begin to throw ropes over the bed.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
No. (beat) I'm an idiot.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCK RIDE - DAY
The truck continues down the street.

SCOTT
Why would the cops collect a refrigerator?

GREG
Maybe it was stolen.

SCOTT
Wouldn't they just return it? (beat) Who steals a fridge?

GREG
Well I don't fuckin' know. What do you think?

SCOTT
I don't know. (beat) I remember seeing some show where a guy called the cops because he found an old refrigerator that kids could suffocate in. That happens doesn't it?

GREG
So the police picked up this fridge so kids wouldn't suffocate in it?

SCOTT
Or maybe some kid did suffocate in it and they had it as evidence.

GREG
Maybe some serial killer kept a head collection in it.

CUT TO:

INT. SERIAL KILLER'S KITCHEN - DAY
A fat, hairy arm throws open the refrigerator door and pushes through five or six heads wrapped in cellophane, past a container of purple juice and eventually wraps around a bottle of orange juice from the back.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCK RIDE - DAY

SCOTT
Shut up.

GREG
You shut up.

CUT TO:

EXT. GREG'S AND SCOTT'S DRIVEWAY - DAY
The truck has been backed up to the house. The refrigerator drops slowly to the driveway. Loud sound signifying damage being done to the truck can be heard. NARRATOR's voice is heard over the entire shot.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Unloading the refrigerator did more damage to the truck than the ride home. My friend didn't seem too bothered at this point. The truck was pretty smashed up to begin with.

CUT TO:

EXT. INTERSECTION - DAY
Overhead shot of same truck, less damaged heading down a street.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
A month ago, my friend had blown a red light and was T-boned so the bed was the least of his problems.

The truck enters the intersection. The light is red and a car is seen approaching the side of the truck. Brake sounds, horn. Right before the moment of impact...

CUT TO:

EXT. GREG'S AND SCOTT'S DRIVEWAY - DAY
GREG and SCOTT stand on each side of the refrigerator with their hands on their hips. The fridge is lying back-down on the driveway.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Once we had it on the ground, I immediately suggested we open it, assuming we could take out anything that might be making it heavier.

Shot from inside of fridge, BLACK. The door is opened revealing the disappointed faces of GREG and SCOTT.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
No body. Nothing.

Shot from above the fridge looking inside, verifying its emptiness.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Aside from a few stains on the back wall and a horrible smell, the fridge looked brand new. (beat) Refrigerators are heavier than I thought.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY & NIGHT
Multiple shots of GREG and SCOTT talking on the phone and opening the refrigerator, looking in the fridge, and opening the freezer at different times of the day (GREG is always drinking out of a milk carton in his shots). The whole sequence is accompanied by NARRATOR's voice.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
After a few days, either the smell had dissipated or we had just gotten used to it.

Shot from inside the fridge of SCOTT's face. He is reaching in with a pot scrubber. A brushing can be heard.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The stains were not going to come out. We didn't care. (beat) A week went by without any trouble.

Shot from inside of the fridge facing straight out, BLACK. Door opens SCOTT is seen grabbing the beer can directly in front of the camera and closing the door.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The drinks stayed cold...

Shot from inside freezer at the same angle, BLACK. Door opens and GREG is seen grabbing the ice cream directly in front of the camera and closing the door.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
...and the ice cream stayed frozen.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
SCOTT is sleeping on his right side, facing the camera. Above him the door to the room can be seen.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
In the middle of the ninth or tenth night, everything went wrong.

A light flickers on in the doorway behind SCOTT and a loud rumbling can be heard.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
At first I thought it was an earthquake.

GREG
(from other room)
What the fuck?!

SCOTT's eyes open as if he were suddenly completely awake, but he does not change his position at all.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Apparently my friend was quicker to wake than me because he was already in the kitchen.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

SCOTT
(as he is entering the kitchen)
What?

Shot quickly pans over to the shaking refrigerator and the not-so-much-confused-as-seemingly-angry GREG.

GREG
(gesturing towards the fridge)
Look at this piece of shit.

Shot holds on refrigerator.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
It had danced into the center of the kitchen and was making a run for the sink.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
GREG and SCOTT are sitting on the floor of the kitchen with bowls and spoons amidst a pile of ice cream cartons.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
After trying to subdue the fridge, we eventually had to unplug it. If we plugged it back in it would start shaking again, so we sat on the floor of the kitchen and ate all the ice cream we had in the middle of the night.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Empty ice cream bowls in the sink with spoons. Refrigerator sitting in the middle of the kitchen.

CUT TO BLACK:

SCOTT (O.S.)
Refrigerators do that.

GREG (O.S.)
Refrigerators do not do that. They don't fuckin' bounce around like that.

SCOTT (O.S.)
Sure they do.

FADE IN TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
GREG and SCOTT are eating cereal on the couch. Both appear tired.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
In the morning, when we plugged it back in it was fine.

Shot head-on of the fridge very slowly zooming in.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Our refrigerator is haunted. (beat) This conclusion is defended by not only the shaking incident, but a series of unexplainable happenings in which...

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
The refrigerator door pops open very slightly. The light from within the fridge pours through the crack. A jar can be seen leaning against the door from inside the fridge. The jar pushes the door open more and then drops out of the shot and a shattering sound is heard. Accompanied by NARRATOR's voice.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
...the refrigerator door opened itself and dropped things on the floor. (beat) Usually glass things. (beat) Glass things containing sticky food products. (beat) Apparently, the boy who suffocated in our refrigerator didn't like...

Shot of SCOTT wiping up mayonnaise. A shattered mayonnaise jar can be seen.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
...mayonnaise or...

Shot of SCOTT wiping up applesauce. A shattered applesauce jar can be seen.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
...applesauce. (beat) The fridge would moan and squeal and sometimes completely shut down without a sign of anything being wrong at all.

Shot of GREG running to the sink and spitting with a milk carton in his hand.

NARRATOR
At least Greg doesn't drink out of the carton any more.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Shot from refrigerator's P.O.V. GREG and SCOTT stand with their arms crossed looking at the fridge, slowly zooming into them.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
We had to get this thing out of the house.

CUT TO:

EXT. GREG'S AND SCOTT'S FRONT YARD - DAY
Shot of GREG and SCOTT struggling to carry the fridge across the front yard. They carry it off screen, presumably to the curb, and re-enter the shot brushing their hands together headed back to the house.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
We set it alongside the trash cans at the curb. It was only forty bucks anyway.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
SCOTT is putting all the beer and other refrigerated goods into the cooler.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
That afternoon there was a knock at the door.

A knock is heard.

Close-up on SCOTT's face.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
I thought about how funny it would be if the fridge was sitting at the porch...

CUT TO:

EXT. FRONT PORCH - DAY
Quick shot of front door opening to reveal the refrigerator sitting on the porch.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Close-up of SCOTT's face. His expression changes from entertained to confused.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
...but quickly realized how not funny that would be. (beat) How horrifying that would be.

CUT TO:

EXT. FRONT PORCH - DAY
Quick shot of front door opening to reveal the refrigerator sitting on the porch. Shot of SCOTT holding the door open looking horrified.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
It would swallow me...

Then suddenly SCOTT is halfway inside the fridge with his legs sticking out. Then completely inside the fridge as NARRATOR's voice is heard.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
...and suffocate me.

CUT TO:

INT. FRIDGE - DAY

BLACK

A lighter ignites and SCOTT can be seen screaming inside the fridge. The pale body of the BOY WITH A RED HAT falls into the shot, leaning against SCOTT and illuminated by the lighter and SCOTT continues screaming. No sound is heard throughout the entire shot.

CUT TO:

EXT. FRONT PORCH - DAY
It is not fully apparent until this point that SCOTT being eaten by the refrigerator was all in SCOTT's head. Quick shot of front door opening from the same angle as in the refrigerator nightmare to reveal a GARBAGE MAN in a gray jumpsuit.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The man at the door smelled awful.

GARBAGE MAN
Is that yours?

GARBAGE MAN points to the refrigerator sitting lifeless on the curb.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Since when do trash men come to the door?

SCOTT
Yes.

GARBAGE MAN
We can't take that thing. Too heavy.

SCOTT
Well, how do we throw it away?

GARBAGE MAN
You have to take it to the dump yourself. The truck's arm can't lift it.

FADE TO BLACK.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
We don't know where the dump is. We had a better idea.

FADE IN TO:

EXT. RANDOM FIELD - DAY
Far away shot of GREG and SCOTT leaving the refrigerator in a field and running back to the truck which then starts up and peels out of the shot.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
GREG is on the phone in the kitchen dialing 9-1-1.

GREG
(to SCOTT in another room)
If they don't come pick this thing up, I get to hit you in the face.

SCOTT
(from other room)
Whatever.

CUT TO:

EXT. RANDOM FIELD - DAY
Credits roll over a far away shot of the refrigerator sitting alone in the field. A group of four giggling children, again including the BOY WITH A RED HAT wander into the shot. They are playing hide and seek. One child leans against the back of the fridge and starts counting.

GIRL
Your peeking.

COUNTING BOY
Am not!

BOY WITH A RED HAT
Are too! Start over!

COUNTING BOY
FINE!

The girl crawls behind a big wooden plank in the background. The BOY WITH A RED HAT climbs into the refrigerator.

COUNTING BOY
(Louder with each number)
Twenty-eight!, TWENTY-NINE!...

The COUNTING BOY loses his balance and the refrigerator falls forward, door facing down.

COUNTING BOY
(Oblivious to the refrigerator)
Ready or not, here I come.

The COUNTING BOY runs off screen and moments later the GIRL can be seen in the background peeking over the wooden plank. The refrigerator softly rocks back and forth and a faint yelling and knocking can be heard. The entire hide-and-seek sequence is from the same angle it was when GREG and SCOTT ran off screen.

CUT TO:

BLACK
"I'm successful, right? I mean, I could say to a woman, I'm a screenwriter and she'd look at me differently. I could get laid. But I want someone to like me. For me. Y'know? The way I like them. The way I'd do anything for that woman walking down the street. A million women walking down the street. I don't need to know what their jobs are. No one will ever love me like that. Like I love almost every woman I see."
      - Charlie Kaufman

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Pastor Parsley

hi ludovico, i admire your courage for putting your script up for all to see.  i hope to see more of your ideas.  

i had a difficult time reading your script, it didn't engage me at all.  i think it's all plot, with no story or characters.  i believe that in a good story everything revolves around the characters and how they react to what happens to them.  i had no idea who they were and so didn't care what happened.  

i read a great book called Characters Make Your Story
by Maren Elwood, it turned me around on how i thought about stories.  You can get it used on amazon.com for $8.  i think it would help you.

i have also learned a lot from Bill Johnson...look at his essays on http://www.storyispromise.com/.

i think your script could be good...keep going, don't stop.