Help requested on a storyline...

[OmegaSlacker]

I have this story that I'm working on. Well, the storyline for a script.  It's an idea I had and something I wanted to work on because it's based slightly on a situation I found myself in.  Anyway, the storyline is below, and yes, I know some of it could be called cliche, but I Guess that's why I'm coming to you guys for help. Hopefuly someone's interested. Basically what I'm asking is, give it an overlook, maybe help with ideas for the story, to tighten things up, add things, take away things. And I'm undecided on an ending, so....


Owen McGrady - Main Guy
Nikki Patten - Main girl
Sawyer Morrissey - Owen's bumbling best friend
Satch Bookman - Older black man. Owner of bar
Avril Riley - Nikki's lesbian best friend


Owen and Sawyer in the bar with Satch. Nikki comes in out of the rain, on the phone. She's arguing with someone. She takes a seat at the bar. Once off the phone, it's very clear she's upset. Satch goes over and asks if she needs anything. She can't cuz her purse just got stolen by some guy who ran by and snatched it. She asks if it's ok if she just hangs out inside until the rain clears out. Satch is cool with that.

Owen and Sawyer both look at the situation. Sawyer wants to go over and hit on her. Owen holds him back. After a while, Owen gets up to use the bathroom. Sawyer goes over and hits on her ("Damn girl. Is it raining out, or are you just happy to see me?"), she goes off and turns Sawyer down. Owen comes back and Sawyer says he thinks Owen should go hit on her, she's prime for the taking.

Owen makes his way over and asks if he can buy her a drink. She says no, harshly. Satch comes over and asks her by name if she wants to run a small tab to be paid later. She agrees and asks for a beer. Owen's impressed. And a shot of tequila. He's surprised. They get to talking.

End of the night and they're still talking. Nikki is noticeably drunk. Owen offers her a ride home, she accepts.

They talk a little on the ride home. Nikki leans over and gives him a kiss, tells him he's sweet. He asks to see her again, she says no, she can't. She exits the car.

Owen and Sawyer walk through a downtown area. Sawyer wants to stop in for a beer, but wouldn't feel right doing so outside of Satch's bar. Owen, "But what if you're thinking about Satch the whole time?" Sawyer, "It's not the same." They decide to stop off for coffee. Sawyer has problems ordering. Owen sees Nikki with Avril. They approach and introduce friends. "I'm Avril. And you are?" "I'm really turned on is what I am." Owen talks to Nikki, wants to see her again. She can't, she's with Avril. Avril says she doesn't mind. Sawyer eyes Avril. He doesn't mind either. Avril, "You have no chance." "On second thought, I do mind." Owen makes a self-deprecating joke and she finally gives in.

Owen and Nikki down in Hart's Plaza. They drink their coffee and talk. Owen gives her his coat. Eventually, she has to go. He wants to see her again. She says fate will decide. She gives him back her coat and leaves.

He puts his coat on and slides his hands into the pockets. An odd look comes over his face and he pulls out a napkin from the coffee shop. He looks at it, then turns it over. Handwritten on the back is "Nikki 555-9891."

The next day, Nikki at work (public place?), talking to Avril. She thinks she made a mistake. Owen's a good guy, but she doesn't think she can go through with it, because of Tyler.

Sawyer and Satch at the bar, talking about Sawyer's blind date . Sawyer says that Satch knows her. "You know Rose. She's in the chamber of commerce with you." Satch thinks it over, realizes who Sawyer is talking about. "She's almost sixty." "Fine wine."
Owen comes in and says he got her number. Sawyer says thanks for ditching him with the lesbian. Satch, "So you met Avril?" "I can't stand her." "That's because you want her and can't have her, right?" "So fucking badly." Satch says Nikki's a good person. Owen tries to call her, she doesn't answer. Sawyer says she punked him. Satch says it's the right number. Owen called her twice in the past two days, she hasn't answered. Satch doesn't like to meddle, but he tells Owen where she works.

Owen wanders in and takes a seat. Eventually Nikki comes up to him, not paying attention, asking if he needs help. Says Satch sent him in to collect the bar tab she ran up. She says she paid it already. "Good, now I don't have to break your leg." She doesn't laugh. "I guess I'm not a good collection man or comedian." He asks her out again. She says this week isn't good for her. He says ok, writes his number down and gives it to her, says to call him when it is a good time.

Avril finally talks Nikki into giving Owen a chance. She calls him up (no talk, just her calling, end scene).

Owen in the bar. Asks Satch what kind of stuff she likes to do. She likes to ice skate.

Owen and Nikki go ice skating.

Small montage of them together.

Nikki and Avril. Nikki wants to tell Owen. Avril thinks honesty is the best way to go.

Nikki gets a note at work, meet Owen at a certain place.

Nikki walks up a staircase. She enters onto the rooftop. Finds a table with candles and a bottle of wine and the thank you note. They slow dance and drink wine. Nikki wants to tell Owen something important, it might be bad news. He asks if it can wait. She says ok, wants to take Owen somewhere.

They go to a karaoke bar that Avril is in charge of. She's finishing up a song when they walk in. Avril makes Owen sing a song. He's reluctant, but does (Behind Closed Doors by Charlie Rich). Avril asks if she told him. She didn't have the chance. Nikki gets on stage and sings a song seductively towards Owen.

Back at Owen's place. The topic comes up about strippers. She said she had one for a birthday party once, but it wasn't that fulfilling. Owen says it's because the guy wasn't good. He puts on Earth Wind and Fire, and mockingly does a strip tease, taking off his overshirt, dancing around goofily. He sticks his hand out to her, she takes it. They slow dance and after a bit, things get intimate.
Next morning, Nikki asks Owen to come somewhere with her. He agrees.

Nikki walks up to a house and rings the bell. An older woman answers. Suddenly, a seven year old boy, Tyler, bursts from the house and into Nikki's arms. Owen asks if that's her brother. A pause, then- "No, it's my son." Owen is taken back at first, almost floored. He recomposes himself and plays it cool, talking to the kid.

At the bar, Owen talks to Satch. Satch says he knew about Tyler, but it was up to Owen to find out for himself. Sawyer adds his two cents, saying it's baggage, but at least Owen knows she puts out. ("What are you, fucking insane? She's got more baggage than American Airlines. Then again, you know for a fact that she puts out.") Satch answers the phone, says it's Nikki, looking for Owen. Owen says he's not there. Satch relays the message.

Nikki talking to Avril. She says it's happened again. Another guy is scared off because of Tyler. She thought Owen was a good guy at first. Avril says it's a natural reaction for guys to get scared off by something that's not theirs.

Owen wrestles with the notion that maybe she's not as perfect as he thought. Satch tells Owen about his life, how his mom was a single parent until he was five and then his dad ("Maybe he wasn't my father, but he was my dad") met his mom and they formed a bond that lasted till the day his dad died. Satch says that Nikki having a child is a challenge, it's a responsibility, but it's not a hurdle that can't be overcome. Satch says Owen knows what the right thing to do is. Satch answers the phone. It's Nikki. Owen shakes his head no, he's not there.

Owen at work at an ice rink, preparing the zamboni to resurface the ice. Nikki comes in and wants to talk. Owen says he has work to do. She still wants to talk.

Owen drives the zamboni while Nikki sits next to him. They talk. She apologizes for not being straight up, but she thought him a good guy and didn't want to scare him away immediately. They talk and Nikki explains her situation. Nikki asks Owen to come somewhere tomorrow. He agrees.

Owen and Sawyer walk into a children's birthday party. Nikki and Owen go away with Tyler while Sawyer stands and looks around. "So many hot moms, so little time."

Party happenings
·   Sawyer and Avril. Sawyer demonstrates his blatant homophobia. Even against lesbians. He just doesn't get it and is disgusted by it. "If you want to have sex with someone like you, why do you even need to leave the house?"
·   Owen and Sawyer are eating, along with everyone else. Sawyer turns to Owen. "This jell-o tastes funny." "That's because there's no vodka in it."
·   Sawyer meets Tyler. "Where's Huckleberry?" "Who?"
·   Owen spends time with Tyler.

Nikki at work. Boss tells her she has to stay after, relief called in sick. Nikki says she can't, she has to pick up Tyler. Boss says she can't go, no one is coming in. If she leaves, she's fired. Nikki calls Avril, Avril can't do it. Avril says to call Owen. Nikki doesn't want to, but has to. It's her only option.

Owen and Sawyer sit at Satch's bar. They talk about going to the Red Wing's game. Owen takes a phone call. Sawyer talks to Satch while Owen's away. Owen comes back. Sawyer asks if he's ready to go. Owen says they're not going. Owen's taking the tickets and taking Tyler to the game. Sawyer says he stood in line for those tickets. Owen says that's true, but Owen paid for both.

Owen and Tyler sit in the stands at the Red Wings game. Owen explains some of the rules to Tyler, and they talk about their favorite players. Owen says Yzerman is the greatest Red Wing player ever. Tyler asks, "What about Gordie Howe?" Owen's surprised. It's a bonding experience.

Owen takes Tyler out for ice cream after the game. Tyler has a souvenir Red Wings' jersey on. They continue talking and bonding.

Owen takes Tyler home to Nikki. She thanks Owen for everything and he tells her about their night. She tries to give Owen money for the ticket and the jersey. He refuses. They talk a little more and Owen says he has to go, long day tomorrow. She asks him to "stay a little longer." Owen gets the hint and stays.

They wake up in the morning and Owen has breakfast with Tyler while Nikki gets ready for work. She asks Tyler if he's ready to go. He says no. She tells him to hurry up before she's late. Owen tells her to go on, he'll drop him off at school on his way home. She's hesitant, but agrees.

Owen and Tyler in the car. They talk about music. Suprisingly, Tyler knows a decent amount about music.

Owen drops Tyler off in front of the school. He watches as Tyler walks in.

Owen, Sawyer and Satch. Owen says that he thinks he's falling in love. With her? With both of them. They discuss it.

Nikki and Avril talk over coffee. Nikki says things are going great, but she's worried because Owen and Tyler are getting along so well, and if it doesn't work, it'll crush Tyler's world. This is the first guy that Tyler's been attached to since his dad split on them two years ago.

Owen, Nikki and Tyler are having dinner at a restaurant. They go up front to pay the bill. There's an old Galaga arcade game. Tyler says it's got bad graphics. Owen says it's the greatest game ever. Tyler challenges him. They start playing as Nikki stands back and watches. She's happy, but confused and slightly worried.

They're driving home. Tyler is asleep in the backseat. Nikki thanks Owen for letting Tyler win at the video game. He looks back to make sure Tyler's asleep. "I didn't let him win." Owen and Nikki have a conversation about (?).

They take Tyler into the house and tuck him into bed.
In the living room, Nikki asks if he wants to watch a movie. He'd love to, but he has to get up early in the morning, so he'll take a rain check. He tells her that he loves her before he leaves. He exits. She sits on the couch, confused.

Owen walks up to Nikki's house and knocks on the door. He waits and there's no answer. He knocks again. No answer. He checks his watch, looking at the time. He knocks again. Nothing. He takes a step back and looks up at the windows on the second level. After a moment, he turns and walks away.

Small montage of scenes involving Owen trying to call Nikki, each time getting no response. End montage with Nikki looking at her cell phone and not answering. Avril asks what's up. They talk about it.

Owen in the bar talking with Satch and Sawyer. Says he's confused by it all. Satch says he hasn't seen her either. Nikki comes into the bar to talk. Owen says he's missed her the past couple days. It hasn't been fun without Tyler around. Nikki says she wants to break it off. Owen's floored. He didn't see it coming. She says it's best this way, before people get hurt. She exits.
Owen tells Sawyer and Satch. Satch is at a loss for words. Sawyer holds off for a minute, then- "At least you're free to chase women again. Let's go find some." Owen talks to Satch about it. Satch says women are a tricky subject.

Nikki has a scene with Tyler. Tyler asks about Owen, if he's going to be around. She doesn't have an answer to why he won't be there.

Owen and Nikki meet again (he goes to her work?). They talk. She pulls out the thank you note. He explains. Nikki says with her past and what could happen, it's not worth the risk. Owen lets loose the "what matters" line. She says she doesn't want to have it be over and then she's stuck with no meaning of all it for Tyler. "It's not about the meaning. It's about the feeling." She's still saying no.

Nikki and Satch have a meeting. Satch lets loose his "Losing Christina" story. She thinks it over.

Maybe a scene where she sees Tyler doing something alone that he did previously with Owen.


And this is where I'm undecided on an ending.  Thanks in advance for any help. Hopefully someone takes interest. I'll be back at this thread a lot, so don't quit after one visit if you're interested in the story.

[budgie]

Nikki says with her past and what could happen, it's not worth the risk. Owen lets loose the "what matters" line. She says she doesn't want to have it be over and then she's stuck with no meaning of all it for Tyler. "It's not about the meaning. It's about the feeling." She's still saying no.

Depending on where your philosophy is: either he has to realise that consequences matter, especially to the innocent and trusting, or she has to realise that life is essentially about pleasing yourself, that she has to put herself first since we are all ultimately alone anyway, and that one day Tyler will have to just figure that out for himself. If it all goes wrong they can always stand in the door as Owen rides off into the sunset, learning together the sad but truthful lesson that nothing is static, everything is falling apart. The ultimate romantic fantasy (see The 25th Hour). I'm not suggesting an ending here, because I think, if this is your work, you should come up with that for yourself. I'm just saying that you have to consider whether you want to make this a typical Hollywood style genre piece or something that turns the cliches in the story on their head.

[Bender]

I know you have had this posted up here for some time, but I figure I might offer some of my thoughts. My intrest in your story came about because I happen to share my name with one of your characters, and for a moment there, I worried it may have been some reflection of a bad impression I have made on someone in my life... At any rate.. I think your story is pretty good, but my biggest problem with it is that as I was reading it I frequently seemed to be having flashbacks to a couple of movies I have already seen, primarily Jerry Maguire. ("Falling in love with the kid", we can make this work for the feeling yada yada) Also I seem to be thinking I saw some familiar Chasing Amy scenes in there. I'd like to add a couple of things that I feel need to be adressed to fix up the believability of the story. I know you had stated that this was semi-autobiographical so I hope you are not insulted or offended by anything. (Some people can be so touchy) First, I think you have a great opening, I like most of what you wrote, my biggest problems come when Owen finds out about Tyler. If Owen feels (and rightly he should) that he should be ticked off about the situation, it should not be about the fact that she has a kid, but rather, that she hid something so monumental from thier conversations. Any mother should put thier relationship with thier children first, and by avoiding mentioning the fact that she gave birth to a person it seems selfish and slightly mental. Secondly, with that said, most single moms (at least those that I have known) wait until they have a very good relationship with a prospective boyfriend before they have thier child tagging along on dates and seeing the boyfriend at the breakfast table.
I love the concept of Owen and Tyler going to the Hockey game, (and maybe thats just because I love Hockey) and I sorta like how it comes about, but I am troubled with the thought that this poor girl Nikki exhausts all her family and friend resourses to watch Tyler and needs to ask a guy she has been on a couple of dates with... but maybe thats just me. Also at the birthday party... I'm not sure how many 7 year olds you know, but most of the ones I know are not going to make a Tom Saywer refrence any time soon... Thats more like 7th Grade. THat might be a better comment for Avril to make. Again I know it might sound like I'm picking out little thigs, but it's just about believability, for me it a big thing.
For your ending...I don't want to finish your concept for you, after all it is your story and you should see it to its blossoming glory on your own, (otherwise you would have to give me credit!) but I will say, I don't think it needs to be a happy ending, but I don't like that Nikki just up and decides to break up because she dosent want to get hurt, thats why guys do, not chicks. (I know that is sexist but its also a reality that most people can attest to. I think it would be better if you had some precipitating factor for the breakup, ie. Nikki sees Owen with another girl, overhears Owen and Sawyer discussing her negativly, Avril convinces her to become a lesbian, anything along those lines, again, the bitter reality of life.
Okay I guess thats about all I can offer at this point, I am assuming the story takes place in Detroit, I am a little curious about what sort of look for the characters you might have floating around in your head there, I guess I'm just curious if the character with my name looks anything like me.
One more thing... At the hockey game, Tyler's Gordie Howe refrence may be a little to obscure for a 7 year old, It may be more apropriate to have him say something (negative probably) about Federov or depending on what year you make it, something about the greatest Red Wing ever, Dominic Hasek. Just a thought. (Besides, everyone knows Gordie Howe is best known as a Bruin!!!) Okay hope I could help, keep up the good work, and please excuse any typos I may have made.... Bender

[chainsmoking insomniac]

I know you have had this posted up here for some time, but I figure I might offer some of my thoughts. My intrest in your story came about because I happen to share my name with one of your characters, and for a moment there, I worried it may have been some reflection of a bad impression I have made on someone in my life... At any rate.. I think your story is pretty good, but my biggest problem with it is that as I was reading it I frequently seemed to be having flashbacks to a couple of movies I have already seen, primarily Jerry Maguire. ("Falling in love with the kid", we can make this work for the feeling yada yada) Also I seem to be thinking I saw some familiar Chasing Amy scenes in there. I'd like to add a couple of things that I feel need to be adressed to fix up the believability of the story. I know you had stated that this was semi-autobiographical so I hope you are not insulted or offended by anything. (Some people can be so touchy) First, I think you have a great opening, I like most of what you wrote, my biggest problems come when Owen finds out about Tyler. If Owen feels (and rightly he should) that he should be ticked off about the situation, it should not be about the fact that she has a kid, but rather, that she hid something so monumental from thier conversations. Any mother should put thier relationship with thier children first, and by avoiding mentioning the fact that she gave birth to a person it seems selfish and slightly mental. Secondly, with that said, most single moms (at least those that I have known) wait until they have a very good relationship with a prospective boyfriend before they have thier child tagging along on dates and seeing the boyfriend at the breakfast table.
I love the concept of Owen and Tyler going to the Hockey game, (and maybe thats just because I love Hockey) and I sorta like how it comes about, but I am troubled with the thought that this poor girl Nikki exhausts all her family and friend resourses to watch Tyler and needs to ask a guy she has been on a couple of dates with... but maybe thats just me. Also at the birthday party... I'm not sure how many 7 year olds you know, but most of the ones I know are not going to make a Tom Saywer refrence any time soon... Thats more like 7th Grade. THat might be a better comment for Avril to make. Again I know it might sound like I'm picking out little thigs, but it's just about believability, for me it a big thing.
For your ending...I don't want to finish your concept for you, after all it is your story and you should see it to its blossoming glory on your own, (otherwise you would have to give me credit!) but I will say, I don't think it needs to be a happy ending, but I don't like that Nikki just up and decides to break up because she dosent want to get hurt, thats why guys do, not chicks. (I know that is sexist but its also a reality that most people can attest to. I think it would be better if you had some precipitating factor for the breakup, ie. Nikki sees Owen with another girl, overhears Owen and Sawyer discussing her negativly, Avril convinces her to become a lesbian, anything along those lines, again, the bitter reality of life.
Okay I guess thats about all I can offer at this point, I am assuming the story takes place in Detroit, I am a little curious about what sort of look for the characters you might have floating around in your head there, I guess I'm just curious if the character with my name looks anything like me.
One more thing... At the hockey game, Tyler's Gordie Howe refrence may be a little to obscure for a 7 year old, It may be more apropriate to have him say something (negative probably) about Federov or depending on what year you make it, something about the greatest Red Wing ever, Dominic Hasek. Just a thought. (Besides, everyone knows Gordie Howe is best known as a Bruin!!!) Okay hope I could help, keep up the good work, and please excuse any typos I may have made.... Bender

I would have to disagree with your comment that women don't end relationships just because they don't want to get hurt.  I think in reality this happens more than people think...it's also cliched to assume that women need a clearly defined event to end a relationship (i.e. seeing him with another woman, etc.) although this obviously happens too.  I think by her breaking it off "on a whim" shows her fragility, and makes her character that more beautiful and realistic.  I think this story is great, and you definitely have the opportunity to turn the formulaic genre cliches on their head. The characters are so greatly fleshed out too!  Nice work man!