"hang your balls out there."

[thewrathofsam]

so i've never posted anything on this site before.  i browse through it all the time to see what kind of stuff other people are doing, i read some of your scripts and watch some of the clips of movies and what not.  so here i am, i can't believe i'm actually posting my script for analysis, because i am a very big pussy and i have no idea how anyone will react.  

i guess i'll just wait for you guys' reaction before i say anything else.  



http://www21.brinkster.com/setorres/daydream.doc

[TheVoiceOfNick]

Welcome!

Hrm: HTTP1.1 STATUS 403 Remote Access to this object forbidden This file cannot be directly accessed from a remote site, but must be linked through the Brinkster Member's site.

Ok... how about cutting and pasting directly into the forum?  I'll take a look...

[kotte]

I'll do it. Wasn't that hard to find it. You have to read between the lines of error messages, Nick
__________________

1.INT. GROCERY STORE                         1.

FADE UP FROM BLACK to reveal a MCU STEADYCAM SHOT of ETHAN JENKINS, a man in his early 20's, dressed in khaki pants and a navy blue shirt.  He is quickly walking past the aisles and casually greeting the stock guys while picking up the pace in his step and trying to tie his apron.  He busts through the two backdoors and immediately starts working, as if he didn't realize that his shift leader was scowling him from the corner of his eye.  He quickly shuffles around a couple of gallons of milk.  The long hand on the clock just turned past the 5.  Frank is in his late 20's; he has a scraggly full beard and glasses.  His voice is out of the sync with the movement of his lips.  

FRANK
I can fire you, you know.  

Ethan continues to avoid eye contact and it is made evident that the level of comfort is very minimal.  Frank stares at him stubbornly and yet subtly sympathetic.  

FRANK
What was it this time? Your radiator again?

Ethan loosens up a little bit from the tension and oozes a grin on his face, almost embarrassingly.  

FRANK
What?...Why are you smiling? What is so funny about this? (pause)

Frank becomes very impatient with the silent treatment and shows frustration.  

FRANK
Grow up.  

Frank storms out of the room.  Enter Derek, pushing a stack of crates on a dolly.  Derek is somewhere between Ethan's age and Frank's age-Ethan never really got to know him too well to ask.  Derek's voice is out of sync with the movement of his lips.  He chuckles.  

DEREK
So why the silent treatment, man?

ETHAN (out of sync)
What's the point? You know Frank, it was inevitable that he storm out of the room like a baby no matter what I said or didn't say.  

DEREK
Yeah but that baby's the new shift manager.  He can easily fire you.  

ETHAN
You think I care? I could easily get hired at Frilo's dairy department right across the street.  They pay more over there anyway.  

DEREK
(pause) So why do you keep working here then?  

Ethan looks at him, and then slowly turns his head and stares off into nothing.  CAMERA stays on him for longer than what seems natural.  His eyes become subtly sedative, he grins very slightly.  CUT TO BLACK.  CUE MUSIC.  ("What a Day for a Daydream" by The Lovin' Spoonful")  

OVER BLACK:
TITLE 1: chicken scratch pictures presents
TITLE 2: a short movie by sam torres
Fade up footage of clouds (director's note: footage will be taped from the window of an airplane).  Fade up title.  
TITLE 3: what a day for a daydream

Opening Credits will be faded up over footage of clouds and cows roaming around.  FADE TO BLACK.  

2. INT. OFFICE BUILDING                       2.

FADE UP.  ASTRID HEMMING, a woman in her mid 20's, looks mature and content for her age.  She wears thin glasses and keeps her hair tied back loosely while designing something on her work computer.  Her walls are decorated with a diverse collection of album covers-some complex and "artsy," others very simplistic.  The phone rings.  

ASTRID (out of sync)
Yeah?

The voice on the other side of the phone sounds a little reminiscent of the Charlie Brown teacher voice.  


ASTRID
They-...they told me they were happy with the dirty diaper cover, Fred...

She looks very discouraged and frustrated.  

ASTRID
I talked with Paul about it-he didn't have a problem with it..(pause)

BLABLABLABLABLA.  

ASTRID
Well, the label would gladly just brand the band's name on a cow's ass and call it a cover if they had it their way- but they hired me, didn't they?

BLABLABLABLABLA.  ECU of clock hand turning to 5.  Astrid glances at it.  

ASTRID
All right, I'm out, Fred.  

ECU of phone hanging up.  ECU of Astrid's hand grabbing her keys.  BRING UP GROCERY STORE MUSIC.  

3. INT. GROCERY STORE                       3.

DOLLY with Astrid's feet as she walks past a few aisles at the grocery store.  BOOM UP and show her pulling a list from her purse.  CU of the list, shows "granola," "apples," and "paper towels" crossed off so far.  Next on the list is "milk."

4. INT. GROCERY STORE BACKROOM                 4.

Ethan is routinely stocking and marking the milk.  POV (Ethan) through the crates as people walk by, pushing carts, dragging whiny children, picking out milk.  The people look like a magician's sawing act gone awry through the dismemberment of the crates.  He can't see their faces.   POV of one of the milk bottles sliding away from Ethan's fingers and abruptly stopping at the end of the empty shelf.  Astrid grabs the milk on the other side.  

FRANK
Ethan, you're out.  

Ethan turns around while still holding a couple of milk bottles in his arms.  

ETHAN
I'm fired?

Frank looks agitated, sighs, and shakes his head.  

FRANK
No, it's 7-your shift's over. Jerry is here.  

Jerry is an elderly man who works the night shift.  He wears a navy blue cap that all employees were initially given, but he's been the only one to consistently wear it.  He stands next to Frank, smiling, eagerly, because he loves his job.  Jerry is amazing.  

5. INT. GROCERY STORE                       5.

CU of a half gallon of skim milk falling on the ground, bouncing and spraying everywhere.  Astrid freaks out a little bit.  Ethan looks through the crates real quickly to see what happened.  He sees Astrid look up in panic.  CAMERA quickly DOLLIES IN to both of their intrigued faces.  Sparks (BRIEF MUSIC CUE)...fizzle.  It was an unexpected glance that was mutually incensed, though quickly dismissed.  Ethan shakes off the digression, in search for a mop and bucket.  As soon as he runs away we hear Astrid apologize.  

ASTRID
I'm so sorry; I'm just a big klutz today.  

Amidst all the panic to find a mop and bucket, Jerry is slowly wheeling one around.  Ethan sees this and quickly runs over, and intercepts the mop and bucket from Jerry.  

ETHAN
I can take it from here, Jerry, thanks.  

Jerry stands there, unaffected by what just happened, still smiling.  Ethan kicks down the two swinging doors and runs out with the mop and bucket.  A mother takes herself and her child out of the frenetic path of Ethan in aid of the spilt milk (or the girl?).  

POV TRUCKING SHOT shows Astrid crouching down trying to clean up the mess with her handkerchief  (haha?).  Ethan immediately drains the mop and starts cleaning up the mess.  Astrid speaks while still looking down at the spilt milk, without making eye contact.  

ASTRID
I don't know what's wrong with me today; it's just been such a hectic-...but thank you...

Ethan glances up nonchalantly, trying to play it off as if he was about to say "just doing my job, mam," only he never says it.  Astrid looks up; she's seen a ghost and trails off a little bit in her speech.  Her voice is in sync.  

ASTRID
...Thank you...for...for helping me clean this...mess.  

Ethan's voice is now in sync as well.  Their eyes are magnetized.  

ETHAN
It's fine; don't worry about it.  

Ethan continues to mop, but he finds himself looking at Astrid more than the area he is mopping.  Astrid keeps looking over and snickering very slightly at the giddiness of the situation.  She looks back down at the spot he is mopping.  The floor is spotless, yet the mop is still swaying back and forth.  

ETHAN
Oh...(chuckles) well I guess my work here is done.  

Astrid nods and forces a grin to disguise her disappointment that they can't pursue anything more.  

ETHAN
(Chuckles) All right, well, you take care and be a little more careful with the milk next time.  

Ethan knows what he just said was stupid, predictable, and cheesy.  Astrid walks backwards at first and forces a loud, unexpected laugh.  Her face turns red and she turns around and walks away from the situation.  

OS of Astrid walking away but continually turning around and looking to see if Ethan would sweep her off her feet.  

OS of Ethan walking away and turning around, wondering if he should run over and ask this girl out.  Every time he turns around, it's at the exact moment that she turned back around after glancing back at him, so they never see each other peek over at the other.  

6. EXT. GROCERY STORE- PARKING LOT                 6.

It's a typical day outside of the grocery store.  There's a fat woman with her car key already in hand being followed by a scrawny kid pushing her groceries behind her.  On the other side of the store is a man in a banana suit dancing in front of the store next door.  A Ford Echo pulls into a parking space; Astrid walks out with a look of determination on her face.  She walks through the automatic doors to the inside of the grocery store.  

7. INT. GROCERY STORE                       7.

DOLLY with Astrid as she walks the same path that Ethan walks in the beginning of the movie, only the people that would greet Ethan in the aisles all simply look up at her as she walks by (director's note: this will have a very choreographed "domino" feel).  Astrid walks straight to the dairy section and tries to look through the crates to see Ethan.  OS of Ethan looking at her in the backroom.  Back to Astrid, becomes a bit frustrated.  Suddenly a half- gallon of skim milk slides down with a note.  ECU "What's your name?"

Astrid sighs, grins, and shakes her head in a "when will they learn" type of way.  She puts the note in her pocket and she walks to the backroom, through the two swinging doors.  

8. INT. GROCERY STORE BACKROOM                 8.

Derek looks up from loading boxes and immediately notices Astrid walking quickly by him.  

DEREK
Excuse me, miss, this is an employee only area.  

Astrid completely ignores him and keeps walking.  Derek remains in the background.  

DEREK
Miss? Excuse me!

OS of Astrid walking up to Ethan sitting by the crates, looking out at the grocery store as if it were a "sitting by the dock of the bay" pondering moment.  Ethan notices her and stands up immediately.  She sticks her hand out to shake his.  

ASTRID
Hi, I never had a chance to introduce myself yesterday; my name is Astrid.  

Ethan looks like he just shit his pants.  He glances down at their handshake.  

ETHAN
Ethan.  

ASTRID
Well, Ethan, it's nice to meet you under more cordial terms.  I wanted to know if-

Derek, Frank, and Jerry all walk up behind Astrid.  Ethan looks over to them and signals them that everything is okay and to go away.  Astrid turns around and looks at them, but then turns right back.  

ASTRID
...I wanted to know if you wanted to-

ETHAN
Do you want to get something to eat when I get off work?

Astrid smiles at the interruption.  She nods.  

ASTRID
Sure.  

ETHAN
I get off at 7; do you want to just meet by the bench outside?


ASTRID
Yes, I certainly do.  

Ethan and Astrid have yet to let go of each other's hands.  

ETHAN
All right, well I should probably get back to work now.  

ASTRID
Yes.  Yes, you should.  

Ethan looks down at their hands, still shaking.  

ASTRID
Oh...oh yeah, I'm...sorry.  

She turns red and walks away.  Ethan stands and grins slightly, he then notices Jerry standing next to him raising his eyebrows and snickering.  Ethan laughs.  

ETHAN
What are you laughing about?

9. EXT. GROCERY STORE-SUNSET                    9.

Astrid is already sitting at the bench.  Ethan walks out of the automatic door, taking off his apron.  OS of Astrid sitting on the bench as Ethan approaches in SLOW MOTION; she smiles and stands up.  They walk away to Ethan's car.  The man in the banana suit is still dancing outside of the store next door, trying to get Ethan and Astrid's attention.  When they ignore him and walk away, he rips off the suit, throws it on the ground and walks away.  

10. INT. McDONALDS                         10.

Ethan and Astrid are standing in line while exchanging mindless banter.  

ASTRID
McDonald's has the best milkshakes, come on.  

ETHAN
Yeah, if you like soy based baby formula that comes in big plastic bags...

Astrid gives a look of a shock, while smiling and somehow making it look like flirtation.  

ETHAN
What?

Astrid keeps shaking her head and smiling as she walks up to the counter.  

ASTRID
I'll have a number 3 with a medium chocolate milkshake, please.  

Astrid starts to open her purse to pull out money, but Ethan puts his hand over hers and keeps his eye contact with the cashier.  

ETHAN
I'll just have a large vanilla milkshake, please...oh and this is all together, too.  

Ethan pulls out his wallet and pays the cashier.  Astrid is squinting her eyes and playfully making a grumpy face.  

ETHAN
What?

11. INT. McDonald's Playroom                   11.  
Astrid and Ethan are sitting at the tables by the playroom. The wrapper from Astrid's sandwich is unraveled, along with some scattered fries on her tray.  Ethan is just slurping his milkshake.  LS 2-SHOT slowly DOLLIES IN on them.  

ASTRID
...I dunno, I just prefer the random mode when I listen to a cd.  

ETHAN
Why would you want to listen to a cd in any other order than the band's choice?

Astrid ponders for a second and smiles as if she's reminiscing of a meaningful and wonderful memory.  

ASTRID
I like to be surprised.  Expectations ruin life to a certain degree, you know?

Ethan nods to the beat while still drinking his milkshake.  Ethan and Astrid are now sitting in the ball pit of the playroom.  

ASTRID
...It's like, if I were to put in my favorite cd and listen to it from the very beginning...I'm gonna know exactly when my favorite track comes on, right after track 5 fades out...I'm expecting that catchy riff and it just becomes monotonous and predictable.  

ETHAN
Why don't you just skip to track 6 to begin with?

ASTRID
Why don't you just kiss me right now?

Ethan bends over and kisses Astrid.  Hold.  CU.  1, 2, 3: Sigh.  They look at each other and smile dimly.  

ETHAN
You know little kids pee in these things all the time, right?

Astrid laughs.  
ASTRID
See, now that was random and unexpected...

MONTAGE (temp. music: "what a fool believes" by The Doobie Brothers)

Date Scenario 1: Ethan and Astrid are having a picnic on a nice hill underneath a tree in a park.  They are laughing at each other's jokes and smilingly gleefully.  Astrid points at ants crawling on their food; they both stand up immediately and freak out.  Ethan pulls the blanket they were sitting on over his head.  Astrid pulls it off and Ethan is laughing hysterically.  She joins in on the ridiculous laughter.  

Date Scenario 2: Ethan is flying a kite on a hill really high while Astrid tries really hard to get hers to pick up with the wind.  Astrid becomes really frustrated, quits, and pouts.  Ethan runs over and offers her his kite, she denies the request.  Ethan looks up at the kite and back over at Astrid and has an "oh well" look on his face.
 
Date Scenario 3: They are dancing alone ridiculously on a dance floor while an old man sings karaoke on the stage behind them.  

Date Scenario 4: The sun is setting over a lake in front of them while they sit on a bench and watch it.  

12. INT. Grocery Store                      12.

OVER BLACK: Beep.  Beep.  CU of milk being slid over the red scanner at the grocery store.  Cashiers greet customers.  A bag boy hands over a bag to a man and tells him to have a nice day.  Hustle and Bustle.  Hands grab milk jugs from the crates.  The clock shows the time: 11:11.  Fred paces around nervously.  

FRANK
Where is he? I'm gonna kill him...I'm gonna friggin' kill him.    

Derek and Jerry are both sliding down milk down the crates.  

DEREK
Fred, we got it under control, don't worry about it.  

FRANK
Nah, this is bull crap.  Inexcusable...

13. INT. ETHAN'S BEDROOM                      13.

MS of Ethan sprawled out on his bed, out cold.  The phone is ringing.  TRUCK DOWN to show the answering machine.

ANSWERING MACHINE (to the tune of the Bagel Bites jingle)
Ethan in the mornin', Ethan in the evenin', Ethan at suppertime, when you leave him a message he can reach you at any time!
Beep.  
FRANK
Ethan, this is Frank from work, don't come in tomorrow-you're fired.  Adios, amigo.    

Ethan wakes up and realizes what the message just said. He looks over at the time, lets his body bounce back to his bed, rolls his eyes and sighs.  


14.  INT. ORIENTATION ROOM                   14.

There are several lined up fold out chairs set up in front of a tiny television.  Several men of all ages are quietly talking.  Ethan is in the middle, he nods and spurts out a fake chuckle when one of the guys looks over at him for a "ain't it the truth?" kind of reaction.  A gentleman wearing an indigo blue dress shirt and a red patterned tie walks into the room.  He stands in front of group of men and the ambient talking quickly stops.  

INDIGO MAN
Good afternoon, gentleman, and congratulations on becoming part of the Frilo's family.  (pause)

Awkward silence.  A couple of guys look around, until one of them starts clapping, then the rest shrug their shoulders and clap as well.  

INDIGO MAN
(laughs heartily) Yes, well...before we let you go do your thing, we have a special presentation here to show you some of what goes on in the dairy industry that should be of interest to you as a Frilo's dairy department employee.  (smiles) Well, here we go.  

Indigo Man inserts a tape into the VCR and presses play.  

CUT TO:
The video is of poor quality and is dated by 10 years.  

(1.33:1 aspect ratio)
FADE FROM BLACK to an ECU of a cow's utters zooming out to show a man wearing an all denim outfit, crouching in front of the cow, staring at its teets.  

ALFRED
Have you ever wondered exactly how milk comes from there (points at the utters) to your local grocery store?

Alfred starts walking away from the cow as the camera walks with him.  

ALFRED
Does the milk squirt directly from the teet to your carton or jug of milk? (pause) Hop on board, we're about to show you the answers to those questions, as well as some pretty cool stuff I bet you didn't know about the dairy industry.  But I must warn you, things can get utterly fascinating.  

Alfred climbs on top of the cow and smiles at the camera.  

INTRO with clips of Alfred's encounters with cows and milking (i.e. getting squirted in the face playfully from a teet), accompanied by synthesized drums and keyboard effects.  Title spins into frame: "Truth or Dairy: The Milk Industry"
ALFRED
Hi, I'm Alfred Lapori.  As a new asset to the Dairy Industry, the Dairy Farmers of America thought it necessary for me to take you on a tour of just what goes on everyday in the industry you just became a part of.  

The frame spins away to the next scene.  Alfred is speaking with a man milking a cow in the background.  

ALFRED
Now, in order to serve the consumer, does anyone actually think dairy farmers personally milk each and every one of these cows?

CUT to a CU of the man milking the cow, FREEZE FRAME with the word "WRONG" stamped diagonally across the screen and a buzzer sound going off.  WIPE transition to Alfred standing in a more factory type setting where multiple cows are lined up with machines attached to their teets.  There is a man standing next to him smiling.  

ALFRED
Now, this would make more sense.  How exactly does this process go about, Harry?

HARRY
Well Alfred, what you must do first is dip each of the four teets in this solution, which will get rid of any bacteria.  You might also want to rub their utter a little bit, they like that a lot-it lets them know that we want their milk, and they'll gladly give it to us(chuckles).  

Ethan sits and stares at the scene with a look of contempt on his face.  

ALFRED
Haha, well that's just swell.  

15. INT. OFFICE BUILDING                    15.

Astrid is looking over large print outs of an album's inner liner notes while talking on a cellphone without using her hands.  

ASTRID
Yeah.  Okay, yeah, that was my fault, I'll be the first to admit it.  (pause) Well, yeah, I am sort of upset because I didn't think it was a big deal to put God last...it's just as dramatic as putting it first on the list.  It was given to me at the last minute on a little post it-(beep)oh geez, Arnold just give me a minute, all right?

Click.  SPLIT SCREEN.  Ethan is standing outside of the store, his tie loosened and the top button unbuttoned.  

ETHAN
Hey.  

ASTRID
Hey! How'd everything go today?

ETHAN
Ehhh...it's just a little frustrating to start all over again, you know?

ASTRID
Well, be thankful that you got a new job so quickly, you know?

ETHAN
Yeah...Gotta look at all the positive I guess...

ASTRID
Yeah, hey listen, can I call you right back?

ETHAN
Yeah, sure.  

ASTRID
All right, babe.  I'll talk to you later.  

Click.  Ethan takes time to breathe, slides his hand over his face and sighs.  Immediately after, a high octane drum solo (reminiscent of "wipe out") starts playing over sped up footage of Ethan working really hard at work and having his bosses yell at him, as well as customers and whiny children (director's note: the video is sped up but the audio remains echoed and at normal speed).  Ethan looks very disgruntled.  

Astrid goes through a similar ordeal.  She is handed a bunch of huge sheets of paper with paperwork to initial.  She is officially swamped.  She goes into the bathroom and screams but you can't hear her voice.  (stop music, bring everything to normal speed).  

SPLIT SCREEN PHONE CONVERSATION.  Astrid is sitting on the ground next to her desk.  Ethan is sitting in the breakroom at his work.  

ETHAN
Hey.  

ASTRID
Hi!

ETHAN
I can't really talk.  

ASTRID
Neither can I.  (pause)

Music and combined montages start playing again.  SPEED UP, DRUMS GET MORE INTENSE.  CUT TO BLACK.  

16. INT. FRILO'S                              16.

Ethan sits and stares off in a daze while his manager speaks to him.  

RODNEY
So next time you set out the milks, make sure you set the 2% adjacent to the whole, this way...blablablablabla

CUE MUSIC.  Ethan reacts to the music playing, it wakes him up and he just stands up and runs away.  Rodney is surprised and doesn't know what to do.  

RODNEY
Hey! Hey, I'm not through talking!

17. INT. OFFICE BUILDING                          17.

Astrid is discussing something with one of her bosses.  She keeps nodding and laughing on cue, etc.  She looks off into nothing and suddenly starts breathing heavier and becomes more serious, like something is wrong.  She just runs away.  Her bosses just look at each other and shrug shoulders like they don't know what that was all about.  

SPLIT SCREEN.  DOLLY BACK on Ethan running through the grocery store, through a park with little kids playing in the playground.  DOLLY BACK on Astrid running down the stairs on her building, busting down the exit door on the bottom and running outside.  

18. EXT. LAST SCENE- SUNSET                   18.

LS of Ethan standing on the same hill seen previously in the movie.  He is flying a kite by himself.  Astrid runs up on his left.  MS of Astrid looking at Ethan, out of breath, yet smiling.    

ASTRID
Hi.  

Ethan looks at her, chuckles, and grins.  He looks at Astrid in a trance of disbelief/sheer happiness (director's note: think "well what do you know" at the end of "Toy Story 2").  He hands her a kite with wound up string.  LS; Astrid's kite takes off with a gust of wind.  CAMERA BOOMS UP to show a beautiful reflecting pond in front of them while they fly kites.  There is a random black cow standing behind them, in front of the camera.  CU of Ethan looking over at Astrid, she looks over at him, they grin.  CU of their kites flying next to each other.  FADE TO BLACK.  

END.

[thewrathofsam]

comments? praise? criticisms?

[ᾦɐļᵲʊʂ]

You have a knack for writing very realistic comments.  None paticularly come to mind, but that isn't a bad thing.  It means it all rocked.

Very well written dialouge.

[The Idiot]

That's a good script. I enjoyed it a lot, good job.

[Link]

I have not read it all, but something I've noticed is that it seems you're getting a little too specific with the actions.  Shakespeare wrote pure dialogue, and his actions were just something like "Enter," "Exit," "They Duel" or something like that.  Nowadays, writers are trying too hard to be directors also (and yeah, you may have this in mind to direct yourself also, but still).  Without being so specific, it leaves room for a little interpretation.  Also, personally, it makes it difficult for me to read.  I'm trying to read the dialogue, and I'm interrupted every couple of lines by what's going on, a character description, or something about the character that we couldn't possibly know if you hadn't told us.

That being said, the dialogue itself isn't bad at all.  So I should shut my trap and keep reading.

This is all just one man's opinion, by the way.

[thewrathofsam]

thanks for the advice.  i've always wondered if i was writing too much direction in my scripts.  i've never taken any screenwriting classes or anything like that, i've just written out the way i think of a scene while refering to the basic format of some scripts i've been reading (truman show, magnolia, punch-drunk love).  should i make things more simple? or should i just leave it alone, assuming it's just "my style"? i guess what i'm asking is if it's proper for a good script to have such detailed directions.  but once again, thanks for the advice, it's one man's opinion, good or bad, that can really make an impact.  thanks for the feedback, man.

[Link]

I haven't taken any classes or anything either (heck, I have a hard time just getting something on paper!), so I'm no expert.

Personally, I think trimming it down a little would be fine.  Cuz while you don't want to over-do it, you're right, it IS your style.  Compare something like American Beauty and Magnolia.  PT Anderson seems to stay away from TOO much emphasis on actions.  Just things here and there.  Alan Ball is a little more detailed.  He writes stuff like "He looks into her eyes...searching...."  

It also depends on your purpose.  What are you trying to do with this script?  Sell it?  Get someone you know to direct it?  Direct it yourself?  Just for fun or for show?  If you want to sell it, I don't know much about that at all, but I would think people who read scripts all day want something that catches them and is to the point.  But if you're planning on directing it yourself, then write however best fits your style, y'know?  If a lot of action written into it can help you visualize it better, that's great.  The only thing I think you should keep in mind is that the more specific you are with actions, the more you're gonna be wanting to get your actors to do THAT specific bit, and sometimes that can work (from what I understand, the Wachowskis are like that, and I think the first Matrix came out fine), or sometimes it won't work.

In the end, I don't know much, but I'm thinking just go with what works for you.  Some people will tell you certain "rules" and "formulas" for screenplays, but I'm not too keen on that.