Please read and tell me what you think.......

Started by stalllove, October 05, 2003, 04:22:22 PM

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stalllove

October 05, 2003, 04:22:22 PM
SHANNON
           I'm leaving.

                                  BRANDON
           I know.

                                  SHANNON
           I can't talk right now.

                                  BRANDON
           As always.

                                  SHANNON
           Listen, i cannot talk right now.

                                  BRANDON
                         (The line falls dead. He says
                          nothing.)

                                  SHANNON
           Really. I need to go. I'm at work, I've got work to do. Any
           ways I'm not even allowed to be on this phone. Just call me
           later.

                                  BRANDON
           Why?

                                  SHANNON
           Why? How can you ask me that?

                                  BRANDON
           How can you ask me to still be here for you? After all this.

                                  SHANNON
           I can't do this now. Call me later.

                                  BRANDON
           What's the point?

                                  SHANNON
           Does there always have to be a point? Look, Brandon, I love
           you. We can work through this. I promise. Just let me go.
           Call me later.

                                  BRANDON
           What's the point? You'll still be at work when I call you.

                                  SHANNON
           Then wait till i get off, it's not that long.

                                  BRANDON
           Its' too long. Some things can't wait.

                                  SHANNON
           Brandon. Stop. I can't talk right now.

                                  BRANDON
           You never can.

                                  SHANNON
           You bother me so fucking much.

                                  BRANDON
                         (The line once again falls
                          dead. After a while:)
           That's Shannon's cue to hang up on me.

                                  SHANNON
           I'm not going to hang up on you.

                                  BRANDON
           Yes you will. You always do.

                                  SHANNON
           And so will you. That's what people do when they get off the
           phone. They hang up. Just say goodbye.

                                  BRANDON
                         (Says nothing)

                                  SHANNON
           Please, say goodbye. That's all I'm asking.

                                  BRANDON
                         (Says nothing)

                                  SHANNON
           I'm not going to hang up like this. Really, I'll talk to you
           later. Just call me when you get out.

                                  BRANDON
           Oh, okay. I'll call you when I get out. You'll still be at
           work, you won't answer your phone,

                                  SHANNON
                         (Interrupting)
           Stop it.

                                  BRANDON
           No, listen, you won't answer your phone, I can't leave a
           message because your mail box is full,

                                  SHANNON
                         (interrupting)
           Stop it.

                                  BRANDON
           Even if I could leave you a message, what would I say?

                                  SHANNON
           Whatever the hell you want.

                                  BRANDON
           It's not that easy. I need to tell you so much.

                                  SHANNON
           And you can. Just wait till I get off.

                                  BRANDON
           I feel so different, I don't know what it is.

                                  SHANNON
           I need to go.

                                  BRANDON
           No, you don't.

                                  SHANNON
           I'm going to fight with you now.

                                  BRANDON
           When can you?

                                  SHANNON
           Any other time then right now.

                                  BRANDON
           And tomorrow when your at work, and when your line is busy,or
           when your out with your friends?

                                  SHANNON
           Please don't do this, I have work to do. Say goodbye. I love
           you.

                                  BRANDON
           No, you don't.

                                  SHANNON
           Goodbye Brandon.

                                  BRANDON
                         (Long pause)
           I'm not saying goodbye.

                                  SHANNON
           Sometimes you don't have to.

                                  BRANDON
           I can't do this. Not now. Just wait. Please.

                                  SHANNON
           What are you talking about?

                                  BRANDON
           Please, just wait. Listen to me.

                                  SHANNON
           Brandon, I'm at work remember?

                                  BRANDON
           Yes i fucking remember! Why do you have to be so mean?  

                                  At this time SHANNON stands up at her
                                  desk, as if she was concerned.

                                  At this time BRANDON slides down the
                                  wall and quietly begins to cry.

                                  SHANNON
           Brandon, are you okay?

                                  BRANDON
           No, I'm pretty far from okay right now. I'm sorry.  

                                  SHANNON
           I'll call you when i get out.

                                  BRANDON
           Sure.

                                  SHANNON
           Goodbye.

                                  BRANDON
           Sure.

                                  SHANNON
           Goodbye. Brandon. Say goodbye.

                                  BRANDON
           Goodbye.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.  

                         (some sort of credits role)

coffeebeetle

#1
October 05, 2003, 06:00:39 PM
Who are these people?  It just sounds like a lover's spat.  Like she wants to leave him, but isn't saying, and he knows what's down the road.  Give us a bit more to work with.
more than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. one path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. the other, to total extinction. let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
woody allen (side effects - 1980)

pookiethecat

#2
October 05, 2003, 06:03:25 PM
Quote from: coffeebeetleWho are these people?  It just sounds like a lover's spat.  Like she wants to leave him, but isn't saying, and he knows what's down the road.  Give us a bit more to work with.

i concur.
i wanna lick 'em.

ShanghaiOrange

#3
October 05, 2003, 08:29:30 PM
Anyway, I like how both their names are almost the same.
Last five films (theater)
-The Da Vinci Code: *
-Thank You For Smoking: ***
-Silent Hill: ***1/2 (high)
-Happy Together: ***1/2
-Slither: **

Last five films (video)
-Solaris: ***1/2
-Cobra Verde: ***1/2
-My Best Fiend: **1/2
-Days of Heaven: ****
-The Thin Red Line: ***

stalllove

#4
October 05, 2003, 10:32:00 PM
i know, i know, not enough....
It just came out this morning. Im sure i'll post more when it comes out. Do you like it? Does it flow? Just wondering? Thanks for reading it.

metroshane

#5
October 05, 2003, 10:33:46 PM
Keep trying.  Here's a tip, arguing in dialogue say's "I'm a beginner".  Everyone knows how to argue, and everyone thinks they are good at it.  Even worse, know really wants to pay to watch it.
We live in an age that reads too much to be intelligent and thinks too much to be beautiful.

stalllove

#6
October 05, 2003, 10:37:09 PM
when and if i do decide to finsh it, i think it would be a play. not a movie. Okay, thanks again.

The Perineum Falcon

#7
October 07, 2003, 12:19:42 AM
So, Shannon is leaving Brandon and a few seconds later claims they can work it out whilst Brandon is being argumentative until he breaks down?
Maybe I'm just too confused for my own good.

I could say that the conversation is fairly petty and full of mindless bickering, but that's how most arguments are.
We often went to the cinema, the screen would light up and we would tremble, but also, increasingly often, Madeleine and I were disappointed. The images had dated, they jittered, and Marilyn Monroe had gotten terribly old. We were sad, this wasn't the film we had dreamed of, this wasn't the total film that we all carried around inside us, this film that we would have wanted to make, or, more secretly, no doubt, that we would have wanted to live.

ShanghaiOrange

#8
October 07, 2003, 09:26:37 AM
I think Shannon should ask Brandon if he knows what they call a Quarter Pounder in France.
Last five films (theater)
-The Da Vinci Code: *
-Thank You For Smoking: ***
-Silent Hill: ***1/2 (high)
-Happy Together: ***1/2
-Slither: **

Last five films (video)
-Solaris: ***1/2
-Cobra Verde: ***1/2
-My Best Fiend: **1/2
-Days of Heaven: ****
-The Thin Red Line: ***

subversiveproductions

#9
October 07, 2003, 10:24:06 AM
It's so raw and edgy.  Reeks of teenage poetry.  Sorry, that was cynical.  It's really not that bad.  It does flow pretty well.  I just have no context in which to place it.  Sorry for the meanness.
www.bloodlessriot.blogspot.com
let me pour my heart out to you strangers.

www.anewnothing.com
smile from ear to blood-dripping ear

edison

#10
October 07, 2003, 02:07:01 PM
the only thing i can see while reading this is two high school kids acting this out during a theater arts class, sorry if you take that as mean, but i dont mean for it to be, god knows im not a writer, so i dont try, but i love how you guys here post your stuff for advice and such.

SoNowThen

#11
October 07, 2003, 02:09:21 PM
I think if there was an old man character who tried to molest his granddaughter, it would be a lot classier...
Those who say that the totalitarian state of the Soviet Union was not "real" Marxism also cannot admit that one simple feature of Marxism makes totalitarianism necessary:  the rejection of civil society. Since civil society is the sphere of private activity, its abolition and replacement by political society means that nothing private remains. That is already the essence of totalitarianism; and the moralistic practice of the trendy Left, which regards everything as political and sometimes reveals its hostility to free speech, does nothing to contradict this implication.

When those who hated capital and consumption (and Jews) in the 20th century murdered some hundred million people, and the poster children for the struggle against international capitalism and America are now fanatical Islamic terrorists, this puts recent enthusiasts in an awkward position. Most of them are too dense and shameless to appreciate it, and far too many are taken in by the moralistic and paternalistic rhetoric of the Left.

Witkacy

#12
October 07, 2003, 04:00:01 PM
This is a screenwriting exercise.... yes,  you're working the dialogue but this is a scene out of context.  It could be Arthur Miller but without something more concrete it's just an exercise.

stalllove

#13
October 07, 2003, 05:07:29 PM
thanks again guys.
Well, Im am a teenager, and yes, i know it's not good. But i like to hear things like that. It keeps me going. it makes me try harder.
thanks.

SoNowThen

#14
October 07, 2003, 06:16:11 PM
Don't ever say you're not good. Cut that negative bullshit. We're all capable of doing work that's not good, but the very fact that you are doing something is most definitely always good.

Keep on!!
Those who say that the totalitarian state of the Soviet Union was not "real" Marxism also cannot admit that one simple feature of Marxism makes totalitarianism necessary:  the rejection of civil society. Since civil society is the sphere of private activity, its abolition and replacement by political society means that nothing private remains. That is already the essence of totalitarianism; and the moralistic practice of the trendy Left, which regards everything as political and sometimes reveals its hostility to free speech, does nothing to contradict this implication.

When those who hated capital and consumption (and Jews) in the 20th century murdered some hundred million people, and the poster children for the struggle against international capitalism and America are now fanatical Islamic terrorists, this puts recent enthusiasts in an awkward position. Most of them are too dense and shameless to appreciate it, and far too many are taken in by the moralistic and paternalistic rhetoric of the Left.
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