Untitled Short, Feedback Requested

[OmegaSlacker]

This is just a little something I threw together. I don't normally write "dramatic" pieces, so it's something a little new for me. Any feedback, positive or negative is greatly appreciated. (The opening sequence in in all the business offices is meant to be a montage.)


INT. BUSINESS OFFICE 1
A MALE BUSINESS MANAGER(#1) sits behind his desk.

MBM#1
No.

INT. BUSINESS OFFICE 2
A FEMALE BUSINESS MANGER(#1) sits behind her desk.

FMB#1
No, I'm sorry.

INT. BUSINESS OFFICE 3
A MALE BUSINESS MANAGER(#2) sits behind his desk.

MBM#2
Not at this time.

INT. BUSINESS OFFICE 4
A MALE BUSINESS MANAGER(#3) sits behind his desk. He shakes his head negatively and holds out a resume, handing it back.

INT. BUSINESS OFFICE 5
A FEMALE BUSINESS MANGER(#2) sits behind her desk.

FMB#2
No.

INT. BUSINESS OFFICE 6
A FEMALE BUSINESS MANAGER(#3) sits behind his desk.

FBM#3
No.

INT. BUSINESS OFFICE 7
A MALE BUSINESS MANAGER(#4) sits behind his desk.

MBM#4
No.

EXT.  BUSINESS OFFICE - DAY
LESTER MCCANN, 27, exits the building. He's dressed in a suit and carries a portfolio full of resumes.
He reaches into his pocket and lights a cigarette. He exhales.
Dejected, he walks away from the building.

EXT.  RESTAURANT - DAY
Lester walks down the street, still wearing his suit. He walks past a restaurant and stops.
In the window is a sign that reads "Help Wanted: Cook."
Lester reads the sign and then heads inside.

EXT.  RESTAURANT - DAY
Lester exits the restaurant, again dejected. He throws his stack of resumes into a garbage can and walks away.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Lester sits at his kitchen table. His suit jacket is off, his tie is loosened. In front of him on the table is a half finished beer. A cigarette burns in the ashtray.
Standing across the small room is AMY LEASON, 26. She's pregnant and showing. She's in the middle of ripping into Lester.

AMY
What do you mean you didn't get a fuckin' job? How many interviews did
you have today?

LESTER
Seven.

AMY
Seven fuckin' interviews and you couldn't get a job? What are you Les, some kind of fuckin' idiot?

LESTER
Nobody's hiring right now.

AMY
No! Nobody's hiring you right now!

LESTER
It's hard with my history.

AMY
Your history is your own fault! You did it to yourself.

She walks across the room and knocks the ashtray to the floor.

AMY (CONT'D)
And what are you doing smoking in here? Can't you see I'm eight months pregnant?

Amy storms out of the room. Lester picks up the beer and takes a long drink.

INT. BUSINESS OFFICE: WAITING ROOM
A secretary, ABBY STEWART, 24, sits behind her desk.
Filling the chairs in the waiting room are THREE MALES, 22-28, and TWO FEMALES, 22-28. All are dressed in business attire and have briefcases.
The elevator opens and Lester enters the room, wearing the same suit as yesterday. He carries a briefcase.
He walks up to Abby's desk. She looks up and offers a courteous smile.

ABBY
Hi. How may I help you today?

LESTER
I'm here for the job interview.

ABBY
Name?

LESTER
Lester McCann.

Abby searches the list. She doesn't see it. She looks up to Lester.

ABBY
Do you have an appointment?

LESTER
No, I saw your ad listing in the paper and...

ABBY
I'm sorry, Mr. McCann. All preliminary interviews have been held.

LESTER
Isn't there any way I can speak to the man in charge?

ABBY
No, I'm sorry, sir, there isn't.

LESTER
Look, I really need this job.

ABBY
There's nothing I can do, sir. My hands are tied. If you'd like, I could send you a notice when a opening occurs.

LESTER
(losing his cool)
I'm not going anywhere until I talk to...

ABBY
...Mr. Harris.

LESTER
Mr. Harris. Get him on the phone and let's make something happen.

ABBY
One moment, sir.

Abby picks up her phone and dials a number. She leans away from her desk and out of Lester's hearing area.

ABBY
(whispering)
This is Mr. Harris' office. We have a slight situation.

Abby hangs up the phone and sits upright. She smiles at Lester.

ABBY
Mr. Harris will be right with you. Could you please have a seat?

LESTER
Thank you.

Lester walks away from the desk and takes a seat.
A moment passes, and then the elevator opens again. TWO UNIFORMED SECURITY GUARDS enter the office.
They look to Abby, who points discreetly at Lester.
The two guards make their way over to Lester. He looks up at them.

GUARD #1
Sir, could you please step this way?

LESTER
Why?

GUARD #1
Sir, please come with us.

LESTER
I'm not going anywhere.

GUARD #2
Sir, please. Let's make this harder than it has to be.

LESTER
I'm not going anywhere until I talk to Mr. Harris, all right? I've done nothing wrong, I just want to talk to the man.

GUARD #1
Sir, this is private property. You're here uninvited. Please come with us.

Lester ignores the guards.
Guard #1 reaches down and grabs Lester by the arm.

GUARD #2
Please come with us.

Lester stands up, but fights his way from the guard's grip.

LESTER
Get off me! I told you I'm not going anywhere until I talk to Harris.

GUARD #1
Sir, you're causing a scene.

LESTER
I don't care if I'm causing a scene. I want to talk to the man in charge.

The two guards begin to close in on Lester.

GUARD #1
Sir, please come with us or will be forced to take you against your will.

They continue closing in on Lester.
Lester reaches behind himself, under his suit coat and pulls out a gun. He points it at the security guards.

LESTER
Back up!

The guards throw their hands up in defense.

LESTER
Back the fuck up! Slowly back away!

They don't move.

LESTER
Now!

Slowly, the guards start to back away.
Abby, behind her desk, grabs the phone. Lester points the gun in her direction.

LESTER
Drop the phone!

She drops it. It crashes onto the floor.

LESTER
Now, everybody be cool and nothing will happen.

Lester turns and sees one of the males waiting to be interviewed has jumped out of his seat. He points the gun at him.

LESTER
Sit down!

The guy freezes.

LESTER
Sit the fuck down!

He sits down.
Lester turns back to Abby.

LESTER
Do you have keys?

Abby looks at him confused.

LESTER
For the door. Do you have keys for that door?

She nods yes.

LESTER
Open it.

Abby pulls out a set of keys and opens the door.

LESTER
Throw 'em here.

Abby tosses the keys to Lester. They fall at his feet.
He bends over to pick them up. Guard #2 tries to sneak in on Lester.
Lester grabs the keys and jumps up. He points the gun at Guard #2.

LESTER
Back up!

Lester leans over and grabs his briefcase. He waves the gun at everyone.

LESTER
Nobody do anything stupid and everything will be fine.

Lester walks towards the now open door leading to the office and he enters.

INT. BUSINESS OFFICE: HARRIS' OFFICE
Lester enters the room. He turns and closes the door, locking it behind him.
He walks over to the desk where EDDIE HARRIS, 42, is sitting, talking on the phone.
Eddie looks up at Lester.

LESTER
Off the phone.

EDDIE
Who the hell are you?

Lester points the gun square at Eddie's face.

LESTER
Off the phone, now.

Eddie slowly sets the phone down. He puts his hands up.

LESTER
Put your hands down. This isn't a robbery.

Eddie slowly sets his hands on the desk.

EDDIE
What is this, then? Are you with the bookie?

LESTER
No, I'm not with the bookie. I'm here for a job interview.

Eddie is confused.

EDDIE
Do you have an appointment?

LESTER
No. And I think right now, I don't need a fuckin' appointment.

EDDIE
Yeah, um - you're right.

Lester lowers the gun.

LESTER
I'm not here to hurt anybody.

EDDIE
Why are you here...

LESTER
Lester. McCann.

EDDIE
I'm Edward Harris. Eddie - you can call me Eddie. So why are you here, Les?

LESTER
Lester. My girlfriend calls me Les.

EDDIE
Wouldn't hearing that comfort you then?

LESTER
It's her fault I'm here.

EDDIE
Why are you here?

LESTER
I'm here because I have a lot of problems, Eddie.

EDDIE
We all do, Lester.

LESTER
My problems aren't my fault. I made a few bad decisions when I was younger, but so has everyone.

EDDIE
I'm sorry. I'm not following.

LESTER
Do you know how many job interviews I've been on the past month, Eddie?

Eddie shakes his head no.

LESTER
Twenty-seven. Twenty-seven fuckin' interviews and no one wants to hire me. I was turned away from a job at a roach infested truck stop. My girlfriend is eight months pregnant, I'm fifteen thousand dollars in debt from my parents' funeral and I have a mortgage that I'm about to fall six months behind on.

EDDIE
That's very unfortunate Lester - but I don't see where I come into all of this.

LESTER
I need a job. You're hiring. Figure it out.

EDDIE
I can't just give you the job. Especially not like this.

LESTER
I'm not asking for you charity.

EDDIE
What is it that you want?

LESTER
An opportunity. An interview. I'm not asking for a handout, I'm asking for a second chance.

EDDIE
I think you're going about this the wrong way, Lester. You have an eight month pregnant girlfriend and you take hostages? It sounds to me your problem is that you don't think things through, not that you need opportunity.

Lester holds the gun back up and points it at Eddie.

LESTER
Who the fuck are you to judge what I do? You sit up here in your office, in your cushy office which you probably didn't earn, but were handed because you were fuckin' the bosses daughter at the time he was ready to call it quits and you want to judge me?

EDDIE
Take it easy, Lester. That's not what I meant. I meant you have to just stop and think about what you're going to do.

Lester lowers the gun.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
I don't see any possibility of anyone wanting to hire you after this, but are you even qualified?

Lester sets his briefcase on the desk. He opens it and pulls out a copy of his resume. He hands it to Eddie, who looks it over.

EDDIE
(reading)
Four year degree...with honors...Dean's award.

He looks up at Lester.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
This is all very impressive. How have you been unable to get hired?

LESTER
Because of my past.

EDDIE
What's in your past?

LESTER
Jail sentence.

EDDIE
What happened?

LESTER
When I was twenty-four, both my parents died. They didn't have insurance and I'm the only child, so all the financial burden was put upon me and I did some things I shouldn't have done, but I had to do to get the money.

Eddie leans back in his chair and relaxes a little.

EDDIE
I've been there, Lester. We've all been there. Everyone's made mistakes. We've all got skeletons in our closet.

Now Lester relaxes a little.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
But pulling a gun and putting it to someone's head is no way to get ahead, Lester. You can't – you can't demand respect. It's something you have to earn.

Lester tenses up again. Eddie stands from his chair.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
I know what you're going through.

LESTER
You don't know shit.

Eddie starts to make his away around the desk.

EDDIE
I know what you're going through, Lester. I've been there. We've all been there. Everyone makes mistakes. It's not your fault what you've done.

Eddie gets closer to Lester. Lester holds the gun up near his head, but the barrel points at the ceiling.

LESTER
(mumbling, to himself)
I'm a fuck up.

Eddie, mishearing Lester, starts to back away.

LESTER (CONT'D)
I didn't say back up.

Eddie stops.

EDDIE
What did you say?

LESTER
I said I'm a fuck up.

EDDIE
We're a world of fuck ups. Nothing you've done stands out among that.

This hits Lester the wrong way. Lester loses it and puts the gun barrel against his head.
Tears start to swell in his eyes as he backs against the wall, into the corner, the gun against his head.

EDDIE
What are you doing, Lester?

LESTER
You're right. I am a fuck up. Nothing I've ever done stands out. I don't stand out. I don't stand out.

EDDIE
Don't do anything stupid, Lester. You have a lot to live for.

LESTER
I don't stand out.

Lester leans against the wall, gun still to his head. Slowly, he slides down the wall until he's sitting down. Tears flow freely down his face.

LESTER (CONT'D)
I don't stand out.

Eddie stands in the middle of the room, unsure of his next move.
Lester sits in the corner, the gun still to his head.

LESTER (CONT'D)
I don't stand out.

Lester closes his eyes tightly.
BANG!

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
You're under arrest!

The office door is kicked in and TWO UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICERS, guns drawn enter the room.
They rush in towards the middle of the room.

COP #1
Are you Edward Harris?

Eddie nods.
The cops don't even see Lester in the corner, gun now hidden.

COP #1 (CONT'D)
You're under arrest for illegal gambling, money laundering, and extortion.

The cops begin reading Eddie his Miranda rights as they cuff him.
Lester sits in the corner, bewildered, watching everything unfold.
The cops drag Eddie, in handcuffs, from the room.
Lester sits in the corner watching. His face is now expressionless, only streaks of previous tears on his face.

LESTER (V.O.)
I used to live under this huge neon sign that read - of all things - Jesus Saves. The guy upstairs was a born again, so he sunk all his money to get this thing put on the building. The city fought it kicking and screaming - this would violate so many building and zoning laws it was unbelievable. Besides, the only neon signs allowed in the city are the ones advertising live nudes. They say it sent the wrong message. Jesus doesn't save - welfare programs, government-funded homeless shelters, anything taxable, anything that keeps people from doing something for themselves - that's what saves. Eventually the department of housing had enough and really crack down on this guy, but he kept finding loopholes to keep it up. The guy was a retired lawyer - says he gave up his practice once he found religion. Too bad he was forced to come out of retirement every time someone else found it. The guys spends so much time and effort on keeping this sign in the air that eventually he dies of a stress related heart attack. His son, fresh out of law school, comes home to continue to fight the good fight, but his heart isn't into. He didn't have the drive his dad had. He didn't have the Jesus his dad had. So they settle up and the kid strikes a deal, gets enough money to pay for dad's funeral and they say to hell with the sign. Eventually JESUS SAVES becomes ESUS SAVE. For a while, the sign said SAVE US - which everyone got a kick out of. Soon it became just S-V-E. It took them months to get around to bringing the sign down, so for a while, we just had this huge black box on the side of our building. What I'm struggling with is, what's the moral of the story? That there's always something worth fighting for, or eventually everything fades to black? Hell if I know. It was just a sign. And in the end, it got ignored. In the end, we're all ignored.
FADE TO BLACK.

[Ghostboy]

It's a'ight, considering its your first dramatic piece. I think it goes downhill once he pulls out the gun, and especially when he goes into Harris' office. It's just too predictable. And while I didn't expect the little 'twist' at the end, it might be a bit too cute. Last but not least, the VO at the end is nice but feels tacked on. It would work better as a stand alone monologue in something else.

Maybe a rewrite is in order, or maybe you're just using this as a starting point, dramatically. Either way, keep working at it...it's a nice start.

[Jake_82]

I agree, this was pretty good, but pulling out the gun is a little over the top... but I really liked the ending monologue, it was written really well... I think it would be perfect if you could find some way to get the same message accross in the film without resorting to pulling out a gun or something like that. Nice first dramatic piece!

[OmegaSlacker]

Thanks so far, guys.

Yeah, I guess maybe the gun is a little too much considering how little we see of the character, but he's supposed to be at his last edge, which I guess I didn't really show. I have a new idea for the second draft which will incorporate more of him losing it and everything.

Thanks again.

[markums2k]

Traditionally, pulling a gun on a potential future supervisor is never really a great way to pursue employment.  Some of us find out the hard way, I suppose...

I don't think anyone will sympathize with your character, no matter how much you make him feel sorry for himself.

[OmegaSlacker]

For the most part, I'm really not trying to make him too sympathetic.

It's not a very good first draft in doing what I wanted to do, but I have a ton of ideas in mind for a new draft.

The idea behind it is that the "little guy" always gets ignored. I didn't do a very good job of getting that across.