A mafia story

[tdotfilmfan]

Hey ppl

I am a 19 year old filmmaker from Toronto, nice to meet you all

this is my first script in spec format (I did have some camera angles because I'm directing the piece, I also wanted to show my Cinematographer the shot I was going for, and plus illustrate to the actors what the shot would look like.  Plus some of the sluglines are poorly written, because i already have a idea what some of the int. and ext. look like)

Log Line

A bus boy details the events that occur at a high mafia hangout, The Black Table, where things don't always go as planned...


http://openhouse.santafenewmexican.com/sfgenerationnext/features/theblacktable.pdf

happy reading....its only 24 pages

and please be very very very nasty        

p.s. if you are from the Toronto area and would like to be apart of this production, email me at films_toronto@sympatico.ca

[subversiveproductions]

hey man, i think the reason that you haven't gotten any responses on your script is that we can't find it.  i tried clicking the lick and it took me to adobe's pdf site, which said that the document ID was invalid, maybe copy and paste it?  definitely email it to me though, i'd love to read it.

[tdotfilmfan]

yeah your right...

here is the real url

http://openhouse.santafenewmexican.com/sfgenerationnext/features/theblacktable.pdf

I know some of the wording is messed up, I wrote this at 2am and I didn't really proof read it that well.

[subversiveproductions]

still not working man.

[Alethia]

this better be good!!!!!!!!!!!  lol.  seriously tho.........

[tdotfilmfan]

lol I know...

http://openhouse.santafenewmexican.com/sfgenerationnext/features/theblacktable.pdf

try that...

Ok thats the final time...if that does not work I will never show my face here again.

Happy reading everyone and thank you to Qrich3dmiles21 for hosting it on his site

[tdotfilmfan]

ok this link should workd

http://openhouse.santafenewmexican.com/sfgenerationnext/features/theblacktable.pdf

sorry about the problems guys...happy reading and thanks

[subversiveproductions]

you write excellent mafia dialogue in my personal opinion.  but... the story is, well, not there.  does this script have to be so short?  if you believe in this story, maybe rather than wrap everything up in two paragraphs, write the story, let us see it happen, don't just tell us about it.  but i do have to say that it feels like a deleted scene from goodfellas, interesting, but not exactly original.

[tdotfilmfan]

hey man...

thanks for your opinion.  Its only a 25 minute short film, this film wouldn't work as a feature for many reasons.  About the story not being there, is that you didn't like the story?  Or was there like no story period?

Thanks for your feedback

[subversiveproductions]

well, the way i read it was that the main story was these guys whacking their boss.  other than that, it's really just a mob conversation.  if you just want this to be a sort of slice of life piece, then you've certainly accomplished your goal.  i particularly like the depiction of the hypocrisy of the whole situation.  again though, if the guys whacking the boss is the point, i think you may have missed your mark.  (that whole story is told in narration in the closing seconds.)  also, the bus boy comes off as maybe a little too wise boyond his years, i dunno, that's just me.

[mindfuck]

hey man...

thanks for your opinion.  Its only a 25 minute short film, this film wouldn't work as a feature for many reasons.  About the story not being there, is that you didn't like the story?  Or was there like no story period?

Thanks for your feedback

Just a quick warning about the length. If you are hoping to enter this into film festivals and stuff (pretty much your only choice for a short), you should really consider shortening it. These days 25 minutes is really pushing it for being successful. If you are just doing it for your own learning experience though, don't worry about it.

[tdotfilmfan]

subversiveproductions wrote:

well, the way i read it was that the main story was these guys whacking their boss. other than that, it's really just a mob conversation. if you just want this to be a sort of slice of life piece, then you've certainly accomplished your goal. i particularly like the depiction of the hypocrisy of the whole situation. again though, if the guys whacking the boss is the point, i think you may have missed your mark. (that whole story is told in narration in the closing seconds.) also, the bus boy comes off as maybe a little too wise boyond his years, i dunno, that's just me.

well sort of, but please I ask you to read it again.  Most people I've gotten feedback from get the story, and the essence of it.  Usually people say the dialogue needs tweaking, but the story is good

I am definately gonna re read it and update it though, maybe I didn't present the story as well as I hoped.
 
mindfuck wrote:

Just a quick warning about the length. If you are hoping to enter this into film festivals and stuff (pretty much your only choice for a short), you should really consider shortening it. These days 25 minutes is really pushing it for being successful. If you are just doing it for your own learning experience though, don't worry about it.

Your right, most contests are under 20 minutes, but the American Motion Picture Arts and Sciences catergorizes a short film under 40 minutes.  It depends on the contest.  I am looking to enter the piece into contests if it turns out ok, but mostly its a learning experience and a chance to have some fun.[/code]

[Pubrick]

but the American Motion Picture Arts and Sciences catergorizes a short film under 40 minutes.

and the constitution states that all men are created equal, yet u don't see them treated that way.

u should shorten it even if it turns out great.

[mindfuck]

Your right, most contests are under 20 minutes, but the American Motion Picture Arts and Sciences catergorizes a short film under 40 minutes.  It depends on the contest.  I am looking to enter the piece into contests if it turns out ok, but mostly its a learning experience and a chance to have some fun.

Oh sure, 25 minutes still counts as a short film, I wasn't trying to say it wasn't. My point was that the really successful shorts are praised for travelling a complete story arc in as little time as possible. The shorter the better, and the closer you draw to that 30 min mark the more criticism you are likely to recieve along the lines of "So why wasn't this just done as a feature then?"

Basically I'm trying to say that your film should be STRONGER for being a short and not just a short because you couldn't afford to make it a feature.

[Newtron]

Basically I'm trying to say that your film should be STRONGER for being a short and not just a short because you couldn't afford to make it a feature.

Nicely put.