Feedback Needed on Film Noir Script

[xerxes]

i have a film noir type script that i'd like to get some feedback on. so, if anyone is interested in giving it a read, let me know. i'd be very grateful.

[ono]

"Feedback Needed on Film Noir Script"

How long is it, and how harsh/in-depth a critique are you looking for?

[xerxes]

114 pages... and nothing too in-depth, just overall impressions, suggestions, that kind of thing.

[kotte]

I'm interested...

christopher.norin@gmail.com

[xerxes]

thanks kotte.  anyone else interested?

[Pedro]

Me.

[xerxes]

okay, thanks.  just give me an email and i'll send it over.

[cron]

i'll do it because i know you like eddie izzard so i hope there's at least one transvestite in it.

linrockuptible@gmail.com

[A Matter Of Chance]

giampaolo@verizon.net

i am mostly interested in reading it, but i'll do my best to provide feedback.

[SiliasRuby]

I am interested as well.

actmike@aol.com

[xerxes]

i'll do it because i know you like eddie izzard so i hope there's at least one transvestite in it.

sorry, no transvestites in it, but hopefully you'll still like it.

i am mostly interested in reading it, but i'll do my best to provide feedback.

whatever feedback you can give would be greatly appreciated.

[kotte]

This is a very well-written screenplay.

I read it in two sittings, just kept turning pages. The story is well-plotted and it moves forward constantly. It never stops.

As the typical noir piece this is I imagined it in grainy black & white.

You have quite a few clichés in there which isn't necesserily a bad thing. Clichés are really what makes up a genre piece, and this is a strong such, but I think this requires that extra something I feel this lacks a little bit of. Take Raymond Chandler for example (I had him in mind when I read you script), what makes his stories stand out is the humor and the characters. Your story is good but it's too straightforward. I'm not saying you should put humor or weird characters in it just for the sake of it but maybe it would benefit from more defined characters. I know Waltz and I know Anglich. I've read about them several times before. What makes a strong member of a genre originial is its characters.

At first, I thought, it should end with the main character Anglich but now I love how you end it. It's sweet and cool . Though the last conversation about changing felt a bit forced, like an attempt to get a little meaning into it. Why it felt forced is that I couldn't see the through-line. There should be notions or a feel to it that people are trying to change. I didn't get that feeling about the story at all.
But now I like it. It's a nice book-end thing. I still stand by my feelings about it but it's subtle and...sweet 'n cool.

Your writing is simple, you write only what is necessary and you make great use of white space on the page which I think every reader appreciates.

I think there are some spelling errors in it. You should check it over.

As a closing comment I would like to say that this script inspired me. For that, I'm grateful.

EDIT: As I read my review now it feels like the overall grade I'm giving it is bad. It's not. I think it's great. But the size of my criticism is only me not being able to get to the point.

[Just Withnail]

I'm interested in reading it as well.

m3by@hotmail.com

[xerxes]

i really appreciate you giving it a read and giving your opinions, kotte.

so much of noir seems to center on plot.  one of the things i attempted to do when i started to write this was to put the characters more in the forefront and try to make the plot kind of secondary.  i'm sure if i succeeded in doing that too well, but it was i was aiming for i guess.

do you think the last scene would benefit from more conversation between the two of them, or is the problem with that part that it doesn't really connect to the rest of the script?

sorry about the spelling mistakes, i haven't gone over it yet. and i'm pretty far from a good speller.

As a closing comment I would like to say that this script inspired me. For that, I'm grateful.

and i think that's probably the best compliment i've ever gotten.  thanks.

[kotte]

The spelling is fine, I just noticed one or two.

I'm not sure if the end connects with the rest. I feel that conversation should wrap up the piece, giving this feel of a wholeness. I'm not explaining this very well but I guess I don't see how it connects with the rest. I'm sure it does in a way, you wrote it. But I don't see it. I'm very open if you want to explain it.
I certainly don't think you should change the ending.

Your characters are great. I could see them clearly while reading it. But as I wrote, I've met those people before in many movies and even more books. They are well-written but clichéd. Don't ask me how that could be done, maybe there's no more room for character-development, maybe they're ideal for your story. It could be that the characters speak in similar patterns that keeps them a bit flat.

This criticism is horrible, so fragmented, it's hardly constructive...but it's how I see it.