Some of you have probably heard of the IMovie Campus Movie Fest where they give you a digital camera and you have to make a movie in a week, as well as edit the whole thing on IMovie. Well, I just finished a script last night and I want just some general feedback. I normally don't post any kind of writing (I normally don't have any to post) and I don't normally comment on others' writings, so I don't expect any responses. I'm very insecure with my writing, I have no idea if it's good or bad or whatever.
My main purpose with the script was to just write something that would make for a good short movie. I know the idea is kinda cliched, it deals with drugs and a wire and a murder, but that's not the point. What I would love to come out of this project with is a well-told story that makes good use of cinematic tools. For instance, the script is bookended with the ending, I have a flashback narrative weaving in and out, there's some overlapping dialogue during the microphone/wire scene. I really want the narrative to be SOLID, if I can only say one thing, I want it to be that the movie made total sense and was told well.
So here it is, no title yet, maybe "Betrayal" just to keep it simple, remember this was made with the idea of shooting on DV in one week with no budget. EDIT: Also, this has to be about 5 minutes, but this feels like it might be too long, any ideas would be great, thanks for reading.
Credit Sequence:
Music - Acoustic Guitar playing Moonlight Sonata
Fragmented - Crosscutting between a black and white figure in a trench coat walking down a hallway and the credits. The figure moves in slow motion. It is dramatic as fuck.
Different shots - close up on a gun in the figure's hand as he walks; walking towards the camera, very impressionistic dark lighting; shot of the back of the figure's head; soft focus foreground of a slumped man lying down.
As the sonata chords come to a close, the figure raises the gun towards the man lying on the ground, who is still alive, but wounded. We only see the lying man's eyes, back and forth with the gun. As the final chord resolves, the hand pulls the trigger, cut to white, title of the film.
Insert: One day earlier.
INT - Apartment - Morning - Color
A phone rings. A tired man, James/Jimmy, answers the phone.
James
Hello?
Voice (OS)
Hello, is James Wolfe there?
James
This is hi-- this is he.
Voice (OS)
This is Michael Hill, I spoke with you last week.
James
Hill...? Oh yeah, you're the DA.
Voice (OS)
Yes, I was wondering if you'd given any more
thought to our offer.
James looks down, unsure and indecisive. He sighs.
Voice (OS)
Remember, you'd only receive probation. No time
or anything. All we need is one conversation.
James
Look, I know! I just have to make sure...
I'm still not 100% on this. You gotta promise
me--
Voice (OS)
You will be totally cleared. And you'll go under
protected supervision for a while. No one will
find you afterwards.
James
Ok...ok.
Voice (OS)
You're doing yourself a favor. You'd both go in other-
wise. There's no use, you might as well save yourself.
James
Right. Ok, I'm gonna go.
Voice (OS)
I'll call you when I need you to come down here. Ok?
James
Alright, bye.
James walks over and sits. He puts his hands on his head, clearly upset with the betrayal he will commit. Over this, the sound of rustling and struggling is heard. It crescendos and then we cut to
Ext - Lake - Night - Black and white (maybe) - Flashback
James and another man, Chris, are both walking fast, carrying a body in a trash bag. They take it to the lakeside. They're lit by the tail lights of their parked car.
James
God...oh my god, this ain't right man.
Chris
It's alright. Calm down. Grab the cinderblock.
James heads to the trunk of a car, grabs the cinderblock and rope.
Chris
Alright, now tie it to her feet.
James looks at Chris, frustrated and angry.
Chris
Come on, just do it. Hurry up, we gotta
get outta here.
Int - Apartment - Day
James sits on the couch. The blinds are half-pulled, revealing the parking lot across the street. He stares out towards it. A car pulls up, and at the same time his phone rings.
James
Hello?
Chris (OS)
Hey man, get off your ass. I see you sitting
in the dark in there. Let's go. I'm starving.
James
Alright, I'll be down in a minute.
Chris (OS)
OK bye.
Int - Car - Day
Chris is driving, James is in the passenger seat.
Chris
I'm up for Varsity, what do you wanna eat,
Jimmy?
James
I'm not too hungry.
Chris
What's the matter? You feel alright?
James
Yeah I'm fine.
Chris
You don't look fine.
Int - Car Parked at the Varsity - Day
James
So how'd you end up selling that whole
shipment?
Chris
It wasn't so bad. I cut it up, gave it
to a few guys I know.
James
What guys?
Chris
You remember those guys on Auburn, near
Midtown?
James
Oh yeah! Danny and--
James stops short of saying their names.
James
(cont'd)
Yeah I remember those guys, they're
hilarious. They managed to sell it
all?
Chris
Most of it. They...
Chris continues to talk but the sound goes quiet. James starts to scratch his chest, and the soundtrack is overcome by a scratchy microphone noise. The camera slowly zooms in on James' chest as he scratches.
Voice (OS)
Dammit, James, we told you not
to touch the microphones.
Int - Back of a Van - Day
James and two men, one being Michael Hill and the other a sound operator (Trusty with his headphones hahah), are sitting in the back of a van, listening to the conversation James just recorded. James' shirt is open, revealing a stretch of duct tape and wires on his chest.
Michael
Can we clear this up?
Sound Operator
Hold on, listen.
He turns up the volume on the tape player.
Chris (on tape playback)
...after I bought those kilos down in
Veracruz, I had to hurry a sell it.
I bit off more than I could chew, you know?
Michael smiles.
Michael
This is good stuff, you did a good job.
James
(sarcastically)
Thanks I'm really proud of my work.
Michael sits down next to James.
Michael
Now, remind me again where you and Chris
picked up your last shipment at.
James
At my house, by the lake.
Michael
Ok great. I need to make a note of that.
James
Why?!
The sound operator and Michael look at each other.
Michael
Well, we're gonna send some agents over,
search the premises.
James looks worried.
Michael
Would you like to update your statement?
James sighs, looking very hesitant. Suddenly he calms and seems to know what to say.
James
Yeah, before you go searching, there's
something you should know.
Ext - Lakeside - Night - Flashback
James crawls onto shore from the lake.
Chris
Did she sink?
James
Yeah, she sunk. Man, this is
crazy! What are we gonna do?
The cops are gonna come looking
for her.
Chris
Hey, relax, it's alright. No
one's gonna look for her out here.
What was she doing in there anyway?
Int - Van - Day
Michael
So, he shot her, and y'all took
her body and dumped it in the lake?
James
(heavily)
Yes.
Michael
So, when my men go and drag the lake,
we'll find her? Along with the bullet
holes in the house, and the casings
to match Chris's gun?
James
Yes.
Michael
And you're sure you didn't kill her?
James
She was my girlfriend!! I loved her!
He killed her because she walked
in on us loading the coke. She had no
clue I was into that, he thought she
would...
James sits back, disturbed.
James
(cont'd)
...go and tell the cops.
Beat.
Michael
Look, don't beat yourself up.
You got busted, now you have to
save your own ass. It's the smart
thing to do.
James
It might be smart, but Chris
is smarter.
Int - James' Apartment - Night
James sits on the couch. The TV is on, but its muted. For a long time he sits, pondering tortuous thoughts. He finally picks up the phone. It rings until it goes to voicemail.
James
Hey, what's up Chris? I was just
calling to see what you're up to
tonight. I'm just gonna head down
to the lakehouse for a while. Yeah,
so anyhow, talk to you later, bye.
Int - Car - Night
James drives in his car to the lake.
Int - Lakehouse - Night - Flashback
Chris and James walk into the lakehouse.
Chris
Whoo. It's getting cold out there.
Alright, we need to hurry. I'll
go grab the kilos upstairs. Try and
find my gun, I think I left it in
the guest somewhere.
James
Alright.
James walks into the bedroom and turns on the light. His girlfriend is sitting on the bed.
James
(whispering loudly)
Jess! What are you doing here?
James peers over his shoulder to see if Chris heard anything.
Jess
I was gonna surprise you, since you
you said you guys were coming up
tonight.
James
Baby, this is not a good time, really.
We're about to head out. We just had to
pick up a few things.
Jess
Yeah, I heard. Did Chris say "kilos"? And
something about a gun?
James
Oh yeah, I need to look for that.
James proceeds to open drawers, looking for the gun.
Jess
What the hell is going on?
James
Well, sweetie, there's some
business that Chris and I
are involved with. It's better
if you don't know any more
than that.
Jess
No, you tell me what's going
on right now! Are you a drug dealer?
James
No! I mean, we just smuggle...honey
it's too technical to get into right now.
Chris
(from upstairs)
Is everything ok down there? Who is that?
James
It's alright!
(to Jess)
Look, we're in a hurry right now...
Chris enters the bedroom.
Chris
Oh great.
Jess
Chris, what the hell are y'all
doing?
James
Could you leave us alone for
a minute, man?
Chris
Deal with this. And find my gun!
James opens another draw and finds it. He checks to see if it's loaded.
Jess
I can't believe I'm dating
a drug dealer.
James
Honey, we're just smugglers.
Jess
It's illegal!!!
James
It's ok, please come sit down over
here on the couch.
He lightly puts his hands on her shoulder, while he still holds the gun.
Jess
Don't touch me! Get your
hands off me!
Jess begins to push him aggressively.
James
Jess! Calm down!
Jess
I'm leaving!
Ext - Lakehouse - Night
James pulls up. He walks into the house.
Int - Lakehouse - Night
He looks around. He sees the wall, with a bullet hole in it. He looks at a puddle of blood on the ground, streaked, a foot print in it.
Chris (OS)
Hey there, James.
James is slightly startled.
James
Hey Chris.
Chris
Whatcha doing here?
James
I was just...coming to think.
Chris
I bet you've had a lot to think
about. Recording, getting me to
chat away about mundane stuff...
Cut to
Int - Car at Varsity - Day - Slow motion flashback
As James scratches his chest, we see Chris's eyes look directly at a wire that becomes slightly revealed through the neck of James's shirt.
Cut back to
Int - Lakehouse - Night
Chris
(cont'd)
Now, coming here to think about
setting ol' Chris up.
Chris fires the gun, hitting James in the shoulder. James falls to the ground, against a wall. Chris begins to walk towards him. We see James's eyes.
Int - Lakehouse - Night - Flashback
Jess
Get your hands off me!
James
Jess! Calm down!
James grabs her again.
Jess
I'm leaving!
GUNSHOT! James looks surprised. He looks back at Chris, who is empty handed. Jess falls to the ground, a hole in her chest. James stares at his gun, still smoking.
Chris
Jimmy...
Chris runs up. Jess is still moving, slowly crawling on the ground.
James
Oh my god....
Jess quits moving.
Chris
Well, we can't leave her here.
Go open up your car. I'll grab
some trashbags.
James looks at him in disgust.
Chris
What else can we do?
Int - Lakehouse - Night
James lies bleeding, as Chris slowly approaches him, as in the beginning. Moonlight Sonata plays again. On the gunshot, cut to black. The End.