18 page Zombie movie, read here and give me feedback (posted

[DigitalFriend]

OK, I finally posted it online.

Comedy zombie movie, that I lovingly call, "a relationship horror movie"...


http://www.riggedproductions.com/asfda122199421421/zombie_draft_three_alternate_2.htm

[pookiethecat]

i haven't read all of your Zombie script yet, what i have read i've liked. It's funny.  I like how you show her specify what she wants in her sandwich to such brutal effect.

mainly, i wanted to comment to express praise on your short films.  i watched a majority of them and thought most of them were very grabbing.  *&(^! (or whatever the characters were) was quite intriguing and personally inspiring.  frequently, in my head i think i'm making the next magnolia.  but your films, that one especially, are a great example of making a concise interesting point in a simple way.   inspiring stuff.  

anyway, keep up the good work.  

-pookie

[DigitalFriend]

thanks yeah i look forward to your feedback on this one as I'm having a time with getting it right...

I know what you mean about when you sit down to write and thinking you're going to do the next magnolia or something grand and epic and powerful and getting frustrated...I realized that was the MAIN reason I kept fucking up at like 20 pages of a full length screenplay and never did it out of frustration.  I kept saying, "If I write a full length...it has to be a masterpiece!"  If you keep thinking that way, you'll never get it right.  You won't be writing in your style, you'll overthink everything, it's just a mess.

Anyway thats my two cents and thanks again.

[pookiethecat]

first of all, let me say this.

you have an awesome structure to your movie.  the set up and climax are excellent.  i was deeply engrossed.  especially since you strengthened roger and mike's friendship and mike's relationship with his girlfriend.  that was cool.

a few things:

first of all.  for such a light horror film, i think you may want to reconsider killing the kid.  that could turn viewers off big time.  kids getting killed in movies is almost always unappealing and shocking (and not in the shocking-funny way you intended).  

another thing, the ending is a little weak with leroy and mike becoming friends, it culminating in the diner scene.  leroy is your antagonist from the beginning and ends up being the hero's best friend, a pretty big shift.  so you might want to think about that.

question: was mike's gf actually a zombie in the restaurant?  or his assumption that it was an act of him being in denial?  i'm sure you'll make it obvious when you visualize it, but on screenplay i couldn't really tell when she officially was a zombie.

overall, i really liked it and think it has awesome potential.  just tweak the ending and revisit a few of the details.

hope this was helpful,
pookie

[DigitalFriend]

That's funny you mention the kid part because that's what my one advisor said he wasn't sure about and I assumed the defensive filmmaker role of saying, "Are you kidding, this has to be in there!"  Hmmm...

I guess I'll try to justify it:

The shooting of the kid happens off screen.  All we see is Mike's reaction and Roger coming in with blood on him and saying "fucking kids".  The shooting of the kid and Mike's lack of being able to shows two character points: Mike is deep down a really good person, despite the fact the kid is a zombie and Roger...well...

Yeah the ending seemed to work better in earlier drafts when the script was a bit more goofier with less structure...I just really like that ending and I'm not sure what to do about it...

I was just in the bathroom brushing my teeth and decided to edit this post because I thought of a possible different ending...

We cut to a graveyard type thing, Mike is looking at the grave site of the ex girlfriend, its a makeshift grave and maybe to be funny we'll just put "the ex" on the headstone (or whatever thats called).  He's with the leroy zombie and they have a funny sort of non-chat and he talks about relationshiops and that sort of thing.  He'll be holding rogers head and he'll put the splattered on bloody framed picture of him and her on the grave.  At some point they'll exit and walk away.   Then we move into the grave again and a hand pops out from under the ground.

DEN DEN DEH!  (possible sequel! heh)  I think if I were to use this ending, I would still film the original ending and just tag that in on the end of the credits as a funny extra thing to watch...what do you think?

OK, let me know what you think of that one and here's more stuff I commented on...

When she was officially a zombie is something I wrestled with.  My original intent was she was a zombie in the restauraunt.  However, in the version you read she didn't turn into a zombie untill she went down on Leroy.  So, it almost was like a zombie STD!  So, in a way, Mike was just being in denial thinking she was always a zombie...


Thanks for the comments, I think I'm going to let people comment on this some more before I touch the script because I still am not really sure how to approach some of the fixings...

[pookiethecat]

the best advice i can give is that the relationship between mike and his girlfriend and the friendship between roger and mike are both the strengths of your movie. build on those strengths because any witty or funny parts will seem empty without that foundation.  

i like the alternative ending MUCH BETTER.  especially the idea of the bloody picture frame.  about the hand popping out- the audience while watching mike and leroy go to the grave, will definitely have this anticipation that something is going to pop out out of the grave (as this is a cliche in horror films).  to keep it fresh, you could play upon that audience preconception and yes, have her pop out her arm but instead of grabbing him/trying to kill him, she just gives him the middle finger.

[DigitalFriend]

well see i was thinking he has the speech at the grave with the unresponsive zombie, etc. they walk off in the sunset and then the camera turns around and quickly moves in on the grave and stops and then the hand pops out and we cut to black.

[Witkacy]

I'm doing some shit on a friends zombie shoot...  not easy... lots of make-up falling off...
Everything about zombie movies are cliche.   If it looks good (on film not DV) then just go with it...  Sunset scenes are now self-referential... along with other cliche scenes... just pick your spot.

[DigitalFriend]

Hello,

Here's something I wrote that takes place right where the COMEDIC MUSIC MONTAGE (and the original ending) used to be:

What I did was added a bit of that original ending as a bit of a funny postscript after all the final credits roll by:

EXT. CEMETERY

ANGLE ON : THE SKY, CLOUDS, TREE BRANCHES.

MOVING SHOT down to a WIDE shot of Mike and Leroy the zombie.  Mike has a backpack on and they are overlooking a small makeshift gravestone.

Mike looks down at the gravestone, contemplative.  He holds something in his hands.

MIKE
I guess she was a good person.  I mean, she treated me good.  Except when she was a cold hearted bitch.  Y'know?

ANGLE ON: LEROY THE ZOMBIE.

He grunts.

MIKE
Yeah, but I guess that's life.

Mike takes the object in his hand and places it on her grave.  It's a framed picture of the two of them with blood splattered all over it.

He sighs and looks down at it.

MIKE
I miss Roger.

He unzips his backpack and takes out Roger's dismembered head.  His face is still in shock.

MIKE
Heh, Ain't that always the way.

The zombie grunts.

MIKE
You hungry?

He shakes his head.

MIKE
Yeah, I could go for something myself.

He puts his head back in the backpack and grabs some sort of body part.

MIKE
Here's a limb to tide you over.

The zombie grunts in satisfaction and takes it.

The two walk side by side away from the grave.

Mike talks about what he's going to order at the diner.

They walk into the sunset.

We HOLD on them for a while...

MOVING SHOT back to the grave site.

On the grave-stone, it reads:

-THE Ex-

The framed picture of the two of them sits upright against it.

HOLD till the last possible moment--

SUDDENLY--

A hand pops up through the ground, REACHING OUT--

SMASH CUT TO:

BLACK.

ROLL CREDITS.

AFTER THE CREDITS...

INT. RESTAURANT

Mike and Leroy are eating food at a table.  Leroy eats a raw hamburger.  There's a few dead bodies laying around.

On the table sits Roger's head in a glass case with a plaque that reads "Roger".

Mike looks at it with hope.

Mike looks up at Leroy.

MIKE
So, what did you want to talk about?

LEROY
Bah.

SUDDENLY---

A ZOMBIE WAITER enters.  It's the same waiter as before, just zombified.

ZOMBIE WAITER
How ISH every hing?

The Leroy  looks up with a piece of raw meat hanging out of his mouth.

LEROY THE ZOMBIE
Bah.  Wah.  Tee!

He eats it another mouthful and shrugs comically.  We freeze frame on all of them laughing at his "crazy antics".

CUT TO BLACK

THE END

[DigitalFriend]

*cough* anyone?

[Ghostboy]

More people should read this script because it's really quite good.

[Weak2ndAct]

I just tried to read it and got 404'd.  Broken link?

[DigitalFriend]

Try this link out:
http://www.riggedproductions.com/adkljasdzombiezombie1111/zombie_draft_three_alternate_7.htm

[Weak2ndAct]

Okay.  So here are some thoughts:
- Make Leroy a friend to Mike before anything happens.  Justify keeping him alive.  I'd almost like to see him come by the house earlier, which leads to my next comment...
- The fact that the zombie bit is a small blurb on the paper is *funny*, but I'd like to see a point being made that Mike has shut himself off from the world after the breakup too.  Unplugs the phone, doesn't go out.
- Zombies making out?  How about zombie sex?
- A random idea.  Why doesn't Roger turn?  Follow this logic: I'd almost like to see him deal damage to Leroy, then have Leroy save Mike from Roger after he turns (kind of an f you), hence strengthening the relationship.
- End at the funeral, hold on a wide shot... then have Leroy lean over and bite Mike.  In the distance we hear him yell obscenities.