Comedy Storyline - Opinions and feedback requested

[OmegaSlacker]

The following is a bare bones outline of a college campus based comedy I'm working on. There are a few notes that you won't be able to understand without knowing the dialouge, but that shouldn't damper anyone's ability to keep with what's going on. For now, I won't elaborate too much further on the scenes (in this post anyway) in order to save space. Just to give notice off the bat, the "couples" are Cody and Abby (with Richard tied in), Jake and Kyra (Jake sees them as friends with benefits, Kyra sees it as more) and Tyler and Chloe (Tyler wants more than the basic fooling around. Chloe wants to know Tyler's serious first. She's not a virgin, but doesn't like to just go at it. It's a special thing to her.)

I know the story isn't groundbreaking, but hopefully the selling point of the whole thing is that it's funny. Yeah, it's probably juvenile but it's a screwball comedy, so it doesn't really need to be Shakespeare (or PTA, who seems to be everyone's God around here. Not that I have a problem with that.)

I tried to not let anyone's story stand out more than anyone elses in order to keep it a true ensemble. Any questions, comments, criticisms are highly appreciated and encouraged. Thanks in advance.

This is list of the major cast:
Cody Allister
Abby Darva
Richard Johnson
Jake Greenwood
Kyra Diggson
Tyler Ullrick
Chloe Teller
Neil Gabriel
Stash
Mudbone Tupelo
Melissa Blenson
Jamie Esposito


Opening scenes - cross cut back and forth between the quarters scene (a Stash is panhandling and Cody runs into him while doing so) and the other guys rushing Mudbone to the hospital.

Boys pick up Cody. He's in his room, looking at the picture of his ex. Jake takes the picture away from him. Jake wants to go to the strip club. Tyler can't go, he has to be with Chloe. Tyler asks Jake if he should be spending time with Kyra. Why?

Cody, Jake and Neil go to the wrong strip club (one where men dance as opposed to women) Neil "leaves his wallet inside." and needs to go back and get it.

Tyler and Chloe in Tyler's room. Tyler tries to push her head into his lap. She fights it. He tries harder. She fights harder.

Cody and Jake in the bar. Cody sees Abby, has a daydream/fantasy sequence about her. He gets cut off by Jake. Stash shows up and gives Cody back his money from the quarters.

Tyler goes into the strip club looking for the guys. Sees Neil sitting with a bunch of women, watching the show. Asks where the guys are. They went to the bar. Tyler leaves "You sure you don't want to stick around?"

At the club, Kyra shows up. Jake approaches Cody, tells Cody he needs him to run interference. Cody sits with the girl, but doesn't really listen. He watches as Jake and the girl leave. He looks around and sees Kyra watching them. He also sees Abby leave. He tries to chase her down, but can't.

Jake and Kyra are in Jake's room, Kyra wants to talk to Jake. Tyler comes in and says he needs to talk to Jake. Jake asks Kyra to leave. Jake and Tyler talk about Tyler's problem of not being able to get any out of Chloe.

Jake and Cody talking. Jake talks about his situation with Kyra.

Tyler and Chloe in Tyler's room again. Tries again, she fights. Tyler does what Jake told him to do. She gets really upset that he's talking to anyone, especially Jake, about the things they do. She storms out.

They go into the bar. Stash going hogging. Asks big girl (Melissa)to dance. She agrees to slow song. Fast song kicks in, she doesn't let go. Stash finally breaks away. The girl chases him around a bit.
Jake and Tyler make Cody go talk to Abby. He does. Guys rate his lines.
Neil gets drunk and sees who he says is a knockout (Jamie). He sees a beautiful girl. Other guys see a guy in drag. Neil says he's taking her home.
Cody asks Abby out. She says no.


Tyler sees Chloe with another guy on campus.

Jake rushes down the hall, storms into Cody's room. Needs a CD.
Jake rushing back down the hall. Runs into Kyra. No one in his room. She wants to talk. He agrees to as to not get caught.

Cody and Tyler talking. Cody says all he wants is a girl who likes to hang out, drink beer, eat pizza and watch the Red Wings game. "Your dream girl has to weigh three hundred pounds."

Jake and Kyra. Kyra thought they had something. Jake didn't think it was that serious. Kyra gets upset, says her bit, calls him selfish and leaves. Jake kind of shrugs it off and calls another girl.

Neil and Stash sitting around talking. Neil hypothetically asks Stash if he would do certain things for money. Stash tells him no every time.

Cody sees Abby in the store. She's carrying a case of beer and a pizza, wearing a Red Wings jersey. Cody asks her if she's watching the game. "Are you kidding? I never miss a game." Cody asks if she wants to watch it together. She can't.

Tyler goes to see Chloe at work to talk about things. She blows him off. "You're not going to make me stand outside your window holding a boombox are you?" She blows him off.

Cody sitting on campus alone, depressed. He sees Stash. Stash talks some shit to Cody and then leaves. A few moments pass and then Melissa  from the club comes up to Cody. "You seen a guy, stands about this tall?" Describes Stash. Cody says no.

All the guys hanging out in a room. Kyra comes in and wants Jake to go to the art museum with her to see an exhibit. Jake turns her down, but says to call him later tonight.

The boys walking across campus. "Want to see something funny?" Jake asks Mudbone what's the worst thing the white man's ever done. Mudbone gives the funky chicken speech.

Cody runs into Abby again. He tries to ask her out again. She says she has a boyfriend.

Tyler talks to Chloe about their situation. Chloe says they want different things, so Chloe found someone who wants what she wants. "That guy? He looks like he jerks off to the Animal Planet!" "What does that even mean?"

Cody, Jake, Stash and Neil go to the bar. Jake punks out Richard at the door. Cody says hi to Abby. Richard flips and goes over to talk to her.

Tyler is out with another girl. She's openly flirty, kind of ditzy. Tyler seems to be having a good time.

The guys are in the club. Richard is still bitching at Abby. The guys are talking about this girl that Stash is peeping out. "Her lips taste like a fine wine." "Too bad her face looks like a whiskey sour." Stash is about to make his move on the girl until Melissa shows up. She grabs him and doesn't let go.

Tyler is with the girl in front of her dorm room. He's about to say goodnight. She jumps on him and kisses him. "You want to come in?" "It's that easy?" "Do you want to come in?" "No."  He leaves.

At the club, Richard and Abby are still arguing. Abby's had enough and goes to leave. Richard grabs her by the arm. The boys jump to the rescue. Cody gets in Richard's face and talks a little smack. Jake backs it up with a "Yeah, bitch!" Richard pokes Jake in the chest. A moment passes, and Jake way oversells, sending himself through a table. Stash and Neil grab Richard up and drag him outside, kicking his ass. Cody pulls Jake out of the table. "Damn, you really sold that, man. Is that a tear?" "Yes, I have a fork stuck in my ass." Abby comes over and asks Cody if he's ok. He says he's fine. Abby and Cody walk off. Jake, "I get forked in the ass, and he gets the girl. What the fuck?" Jake looks and sees Kyra standing a little bit away and smiling at him. He shrugs and smiles back.

Tyler walks down the street. In front of him is the restaurant that Chloe works at.

Jake and Stash are about to leave. "You seen Neil?" "Nope." Neil and Jamie (the cute girl to him, ugly girl to everyone else) show up. Only, she's not wearing the wig anymore and it's pretty obvious that she is a he. "We've decided to try and make it work." Stash notices his shirt is ripped. Jake, "I can fix that for you."

Tyler enters the restaurant. He wants to talk to Chloe. "Do we have anything to talk about?" A guy spills a soda and is trying to get Chloe's attention. The guy keeps bothering Chloe, so Tyler reaches into her pocket, pulls out a rag and throws it at the guy. The guy gets up, pissed off and wants to fight. Chloe drags Tyler out of the restaurant before anything happens.

Cody and Abby walk down the dorm hallway, soaking wet from the rain.

In Jake's room, Jake sews up Stash's shirt. Stash asks how Jake got so good at that. Took a home-ec class cuz he heard the teacher put out. Stash takes his shirt and leaves.
Cody and Abby come into Jake's room. "Do you have any shorts Abby can wear while we throw her stuff in the dryer?" "Well, tomorrow's laundry day, but I do have one clean pair." He pulls off the pair he's wearing and hands them to her.

At the restaurant, Tyler and Chloe talk. Tyler gives her the Rocky/Luke Skywalker/I love you speech.

Cody and Abby in the laundry room. Abby tells Cody that Richard is a jerk but he never really hit her like everyone thought. They talk a little more, and then they kiss.

Kyra enters Jake's room. She thought what Jake did at the club for Tyler (through the table) was sweet. Maybe she was wrong, maybe he's not so selfish. She closes the door behind her, and we can't see anything more (hallway point of view).

Abby comes out of Cody's bathroom, dressed in her own clothes again. Cody asks if she wants him to get Jake's car and drive her home. "I don't think there's a reason for me to go home tonight."

Next morning montage.
Cody and Abby wake up together in Cody's bed.
Tyler and Chloe wake up together in Tyler's bed. "That was definitely worth the wait."
Kyra and Jake wake up in Jake's bed. Kyra gets dressed and starts to leave. Jake, "You want to get breakfast?" "I can't. I have a lunch date in an hour." "A date?" "You were right. We're young. Fuck being serious."
Neil and Jamie wake up together in Neil's bed.
Stash wakes up in bed alone. The door gets kicked open and Melissa walks in. "You can't avoid me anymore!"


One final scene to tie it all in at the end.

[Pubrick]

(or PTA, who seems to be everyone's God around here. Not that I have a problem with that.)

read about the origins of the site, and i'll read ur story.

[OmegaSlacker]

P, I wasn't trying to be sarcastic or anything like that. I read about the origin of the site before and I was just trying to make a small joke, which admittedly sucked. I wasn't trying to offend anyone.

[Pubrick]

yeah i didn't mean it in a threatening way, some ppl don't understand the fascination with PTA. fuggedabouddit.