Kildeer-- a Plot Outline

[thadius sterling]

I've got a short story nearing completion with adaptability to script in mind, for a short film. I would like to post the short story here to see what you guys think when I've got the final draft done, but theres a couple things I wanted to know. 1: would it be out of place to post here? If so I'll wait untill I adapt it to a short film screenplay. 2: Does the story sound too pretentious or overt, i.e. does it sound like it's bashing a message in your face? I want it to be subtle. With that in mind, I'd love to know what you think of the basic story outline.

An 8-year old boy on a montana ranch has an experience that haunts him for the rest of his life. His mother homeschools him and would most likely be a very strict christian mother if not for the boy's father, who is an atheist. The story takes place when one day he meets two brothers who are the nephews of the Ranch's owner, his father's best friend. They go hunting for gophers (which is common because they are a pest, some people even pay kids to hunt gophers in that area of montana) and the 2 brothers come to realise how die-hard christian this boy is. This culminates when he refuses to say "fuck". The younger of the two brothers tortures him in generally mild but typically bully-like ways (i.e. nipple twisting and general harassment) to try and get the boy to say "fuck." Eventually his older brother who is driving the truck (12 years old) intervenes. At this point after driving around they stop near a field where there are plenty of gophers, and they spot a kildeer. A kildeer is a type of bird that will feign injury to lure a predator away from their nest. The boys all know that you don't shoot a kildeer. If theres any animal that is the least like a pest or problem, it's the kildeer. They make a beautiful noise which their name comes from. The main character, clearly knowing all this, and against the warnings of the 2 brothers, shoots a kildeer. They drive over to it, and find that he hit it in the wing, and it is flopping around, unable to escape. They tell him he needs to kill it, still asking why in the hell he did it. He goes up to it, and they warn him not to shoot it at point blank, but he does, and of course feathers and blood backfire onto his clothes. He gets back in the car, and simply starts to cry, so they have to take him home.

That's the basic outline and idea of the story, I've got most of the rough draft finished, but i'm debating on how to end it after he shoots the kildeer from point blank. Any critiques or brainstorming/ideas would be very helpful. Also, I really need to know if a story like this, adapted from short story to short-film script, would play well.

[Ghostboy]

We can't really answer any of your questions until you post the whole story online...which of course you're more than welcome to do, in the Art Gallery section. Then, when you write the script, you can come back to this thread and post it here.

Looking forward to reading it.

[socketlevel]

yeah i'd need to read it too

sounds interesting though, i like the minimal approach.  i picture the film like george washington.

can't wait to read it

-sl-