i posted this on the old board in a much earlier stage... a few of you may remember. it is actually part of a feature that i've been working on for a while, but i won't really get into that. ok, so this a shooting script of sorts, so i apologize in advance for all those damn camera movements. just looking for any suggestions or criticism anyone might have... thanks.
I liked it, i got into the characters.
I also liked the fact that not everything was explained in detail, you didnt spell everything out.
I especially liked the dog crossing the road part.
The only thing i didnt like was the title card bit at the beginning, i think, depending on how you do it in the actual filming, it has the potential to look quite tacky. But that`s just an opinion.
I liked your script alot. I agree with the post before mine-the title card is tacky. Your writing stands alone; as far as I can tell, it you can toss the card. And your main character is great. I like the gas station attendant for some reason too-are you going to develop him further? I also smell the possibility of a twist involving that guy.....but then again maybe I'm dumb. Anyway, nice work. Feed us more! :)
well, the title cards play more into the whole film, which without getting into too much detail is four short stories each taking place over the course of one day. i'm not sure if that will lessen the tackiness, but we shall have to see. vincent (the gas station guy) may have a part in one of the other stories although that is not decided yet (only two parts are done). anyway, thanks for the words of encouragement, i really appreciate it.
anyone else wanna give it a read???
i would appreciate it
I meant to get to this back when you first posted it, sorry for the delay.
Anyway...I was REALLY glad to hear you say that the feature is going to be four short stories because I think this holds up very well by itself. It's a great short piece. I love the dialogue, I love the way it treats the audience on a 'need to know' basis. I'd love to see this as a film.
Here are my quibbles:
His conversation with the boy feels a little too direct. I think that by having him address the kid by his name, it puts too much weight into what he's saying...I mean, the conversation is certainly important, but I think it should play more casually. Does that make any sense?
SPOILER
When he pulls out the razor and the scene fades out, it feels like a cheat, a trick. There's no reason for whether he does or doesn't do it, it seems like a device, almost a cliffhanger, if you get my drift. Have something happen there to tip the scale. I don't know, maybe a spare tire just randomly roles down the road, or even something that doesn't necessarily connect to anything in the script, and then CUT TO Vincent and the ending as you have it. I think that would make the ending really beautiful and memorable.
But overall...great job.
no need to apologize, i'm just glad you got around to it.
first off, thanks for the kind words. and secondly...
i'm not sure why exactly at this point, but when i wrote the scene with the little kid, i wanted it to be very direct. i'll definitely give that part a read over though and take your thoughts into consideration.
now as for that last part, i see what you mean and how it could be seen that way. hmm... i'm not quite sure what to do about it at this point. i'll have to give it some thought.
thanks again ghostboy
would anyone be interesting in reading the other part that is done (somewhat)??? it's a little longer than this one. i've basically got the gist of it done, but i don't think it really flows like it should... some of it seems a bit awkward and i'm not quite sure what to do with it. i guess i just need an objective opinion.
i don't think i'd be comfortable posting it here, but if anyone would like to help me out, it would be greatly appreciated. thanks.
I'll take a look. Just attach it to an e-mail...
i finished the feature i discussed in some earlier posts. although i made it three parts instead of four, as i originally planned. if anyone would like to read it and give me some feedback i would greatly appreciate it. just let me know.
still looking for anyone who might want to give my script a read. thanks.
The coast is clear. Xerxes hasn't been around in awhile right? Well, I'm hijacking his thread because it's the perfect place to put this:
I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script (http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/2009/09/i_will_not_read.php)
if you haven't read it, do. If you have, do it again! It's that funny.
xerxes has moved on - but he was a super nice guy so you should feel fucking ashamed for hijacking his thread. Especially just so you can post something from three long years ago. I hope your eyes puff from crying.
Fuck, dude. You're right. I don't know what came over me last night, I just read that article for the first time like so many others in 2009 and decided I had to get it out there, by any means. It was dumb and shortsighted of me, sorry xerxes.
I'm still not gonna read your fucking script, though
Thanks Pete. By the way, that music video is fucking awesome. Great job there. And for the record I still come by from time to time.
I'm just gonna start messing with posters from beyond the grave and see who else I can resurrect
Not a bad strategy. Good job, Reelist. Adminification incoming.