Things you'd never want to hear in movie trailers

[coffeebeetle]

"From the writer/director of Manos the Hands of Fate comes a riveting and seductive tale of flatulents, cheap beer and mechanics...starring Mickey O'Rourke as Greasy Wrench, that pissed off dog from Cabin Fever as Fluffy the Wonder Bitch, and Kathy Bates in her most seductive role to date:Blown Gasket!"

How about a trailer for "Hands of Darkness," the long-awaited documentary on the making of "Manos The Hands of Fate"? ...  The screen would be black, and then you'd hear that haunting theme music start up, and then cut to Torgo and the Frank Zappa-lookalike guy sitting around a table, drinking coffee and eating donuts, when somebody suddenly throws a couple of revised scripts into the middle of the table.

CUT TO:

TORGO (in his real British accent, browsing through script): Oh, bloody hell. This production is daft, I tell you. First, they give me a positively ridiculous shambling walk. Then they add the bloody prosthetic thighs, which take all morning to put on. And now, what do these damned American intellectual midgets want to do? They want him to peer lasciviously through the window at the young woman. And, look, the nitwit can't even spell lasciviously. There's no bloody "h" in it. NO BLOODY "H"!! What are we doing here, Tom?

[BEAT]

Tom?

TOM/FRANK ZAPPA LOOKALIKE: Dude, my pee was green this morning.

CUT to shot of women in flowing white dresses wrestling in the sand. Someone shouts "Cut!" and walks into the middle of them, screaming, "No, no, no, you're doing it all wrong!"

VOICEOVER: If you thought the movie was horrifying, wait until you see behind the scenes. "Hands of Darkness" ... coming soon to a theatre near you.

  That's fucking rich!

[Ravi]

"...and this is the shocking twist that happens in the end which I will reveal right now..."

Yeah, I hate that.  After seeing the trailer for The Italian Job, I said to my friend, "Wow, that was a great movie."