Christopher Walken lives in My Basement?

[Tictacbk]

I was going through my computer yesterday deleting things and i found this random beginning to a screenplay.  I'm pretty sure i wrote it in 9th grade and i have no recollection of where i was going with either of the stories but i thought it was a funny surprise...and i'm bored so i'm posting it on here to share it with the world.  Keep in mind i had no idea how to write a screenplay at this time.


Christopher Walken Lives in my Basement

   INT: looking out a basement window at ground level.  Four pairs of feet walk by, some sneakers some sandals, its kinda hard to tell.  They're excited about something but their talking is muffled so excited feet is all we get.  The floor creaks above as they enter the house.  Credits begin to roll...

The Camera swings around to "ground level" of the stairs in the basement.  The feet appear again walking down the stairs but this time we eventually see the whole person to each pair of feet.  Theres JACK, red hair, beard, black shirt with some writing on it; DAN, brown hair, tall,  wearing an old grateful dead shirt; SMOOTH, dirty blond hair, button down shirt, hemp necklace; and ANDERSON, brown hair, Phish shirt.  

They each take a seat in what appears to be their usual spots.  This area of the basement is clad in various Buddhist looking tapestrys, a couch, and a couple chairs facing a decent tv.  To the right of the tv is an impressive collection of movies.  

Closeup of the tv as it turns on, flicks through the channels, we pass by stuff, particularly the deer hunter real quick.

VOICE
Hey....wait...put that back.   Man I love that scene.

They all turn around to see CHRISTOPHER WALKEN standing where they entered that area of the basement.  Theres a long strange pause...

DAN
You would...

Walken
Oh c'mon, that's some of my finest work

SMOOTH
I gotta agree with him there

DAN
What about pulp?

WALKEN
oh sure...if you wanna call that work.

JACK (watching the tv)
were those bullets real?

ANDERSON
Yea...they were so desperate for that realism they let him risk his fuckin life
WALKEN
I asked them to put a blank in mine...cuz they're loud you know....but...they wouldn't do it.  My hair looked good like that I think.

DAN
Yer hair looked good in pulp

SMOOTH
What a great movie

WALKEN
You know...I wasn't supposed to get that role...

SMOOTH
Why not?

WALKEN
He felt I read my lines...to slowly I think

JACK
so what'd you do?

WALKEN (picking up a puzzle off a shelf)
Well I read them faster...

DAN
...fuckin masterpiece...

SMOOTH
We should watch that...

ANDERSON
Its up in my room

SMOOTH
fuck it

WALKEN sits down on the couch in between SMOOTH and DAN and spreads the puzzle out on the table

WALKEN
A puzzle is an interesting thing...

They all stare at the television, half listening to him

WALKEN
I've done this puzzle about 7 times...but in order to put it back in the box you gotta take it apart.

ANDERSON
You know they have puzzle glue...

JACK
Oh yea! My sister has some I think..

ANDERSON
It holds all the pieces in place so when you're done you can like display it or something, I don't really know

WALKEN
(working on the puzzle)
Maybe I'll have your mom pick some up...

Close up of the tv flicking through again, fade out.


FADE back in with the camera in the back seat of an old 1978 cadilac.  Two guys are sitting in the front.  The driver looks kinda like a weasel, and has a sportcoat on.  The other guy is fat and has a pointy bald head.  He's wearing a golf shirt.  The car isn't moving.

WEASEL
This is fuckin stupid is what this is.  Fuckin sittin here waiting for...what?  I mean nothings gonna happen.  Even if something happens...what the fuck are we supposed to do?

FATTIE
We stay here until we're given instructions.

WEASEL
Sure that's what he says.  How long is that gonna be?

FATTIE
I don't know

WEASEL
It could be fuckin days, weeks! Who the fuck knows?

FATTIE
(sipping coffee and looking out his window)
I think you should calm down.

WEASEL
Yea I'll show you calm down...
( he pulls out a cigarette)
You got a light?
(Fattie lights it for him, he takes a quick drag and blows it out in frustration)
Fuckin bullshit...

FATTIE sips his coffee again and shrugs, watching out his window again

WEASEL
I mean, maybe I'd understand it if we got to fuckin move or something.  (drag) Hell, how much more obvious could we be?  Big fuckin car just sitting here!  I mean, can't we go to mcdonalds or something?  Even around the block, anything but fuckin sitting here?

FATTIE
we stay here until we're given instructions...

WEASEL
yea sure..

A car drives by, slows down, WEASEL rolls down the window but then the car speeds away.  HE flicks them off.

WEASEL
You see what I fuckin mean?  We're bright as fuckin day here...

FATTIE
so?

WEASEL
So? So...its fuckin stupid, so.

FATTIE goes back to looking out the window.  He turns and opens the glove compartment, takes out a sheet of paper, unfolds its, and then places it back and closes the compartment.  Theres a long silence...

WEASEL
(staring at him like "what the fuck?")
What the fuck was that?

FATTIE
what the fuck was what?

WEASEL
'what the fuck was what?'  THAT! What the fuck was that paper

FATTIE
nothing don't worry about it

WEASEL
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

He reaches for the glove compartment but FATTIE blocks his hand

FATTIE
it was nothing.

WEASEL goes to say something but then changes his mind and goes back to relaxing in his seat.

FATTIE
There he is...

WEASEL
its about fuckin time...

FADE OUT

FADE in as we here the sounds of a kitchen.  A nice suburban kitchen with plenty of food on the table.  Seated at the table are ANDERSON, MOM, DAD, and WALKEN.

MOM
How was school today?

ANDERSON
great..

MOM
what made it great?

ANDERSON
I donno, I just didn't wanna say 'fine'

Everyone eats for a moment.  The dog browses around the table hopin for some generosity.  It's a somewhat small white dog, probably a jack russel terrier mix.

DAD
So today at work Gene comes over to my desk and he says "John my new e-mail doesn't work, I tried to get the old settings back and uh now I don't get any e-mails"  

MOM
how's his wife doing?

DAD
She passed away.   So anyway Gene's like, I can't get this e-mail to work.  So I walk over to his computer, login under my name and it works fine.  He says well why doesn't it work when I login.  So I have him login and he goes "see."  And I say "Gene...<sigh>...you have to click on your inbox"  I swear these people can't even spell PC

WALKEN laughs abnormally loud and practically chokes.  He has to gulp down some milk to save himself.

WALKEN
Good one Mr. P

DAD takes a big bite out of his roll.

DAD
You gotta remember to take care of this dog while we're gone.

MOM
--and you can't have anyone over!

ANDERSON
What about a card game?

MOM
no.

ANDERSON
Its just a card game...

MOM
no.

ANDERSON
Christopher will be here, mom...

MOM
I don't care, you know how those Hollywood types are...

ANDERSON
he's sitting right there...

DAD
(to WALKEN)
She doesn't know what she's talking about.

WALKEN
Oh no, its fine mrs p.  I know exactly what you mean.  I've got friends that uh (he laughs at the thought of it) well...lets just say they've played their share of the "how did I end up in this person's bed" game...

MOM (under her breathe)
I wish you hadn't even said that...

ANDERSON
So you don't trust me?

MOM
I just don't want anyone over here while I'm not here.

ANDERSON
Mmhmm....because you don't trust me

MOM
it doesn't matter whether I trust you or not, I'm your mother and I don't want you to have anyone over and that's final!

ANDERSON (Sighs and gets up from the table)
Alright...no card game

DAD
and take care of the dog!

ANDERSON
Yea yea...

The three adults are left at the dinner table.  MOM, DAD, and CHRISTOPHER WALKEN, sitting there in silence

WALKEN
You know, my mother was an alcoholic...

MOM sighs, cut to black.

[SiliasRuby]

Hilarious, thought about revising it?

[Tictacbk]

Yea, I'd like to revise and expand...I like the idea, albeit impossible to actually shoot (unless anyone knows Walken and can hook me up).  I just wish i knew where i was going to connect the two stories.  Might be interesting to pick up where i left off 4 years ago with no idea what i originally intended tho.

[Pas]

Hey that's quite good, too0 "à la Being John Malkovich" though

[Tictacbk]

Yea when i read it i thought of it as a cross between Being John Malkovich and Happy Days.

[Gabe]

I love it and I think it should be called " Christopher Walken Fucks my Mom" cuz if you can tell a woman to pick up puzzle glue, you either came out of her vagina or have been inside it. lol

[cine]

wow..

[Pubrick]

I love it and I think it should be called " Christopher Walken Fucks my Mom" cuz if you can tell a woman to pick up puzzle glue, you either came out of her vagina or have been inside it. lol

shut the fuck up.

[Tictacbk]

I love it and I think it should be called " Christopher Walken Fucks my Mom" cuz if you can tell a woman to pick up puzzle glue, you either came out of her vagina or have been inside it. lol

I'm guessing you haven't "asked many women to pick up puzzle glue" if you get my drift...

[Gabe]