Please comment on my (not too long) script: WANT SLEEP

[Just Withnail]

First of all, hello.

I need some comments on this script of mine. It is acctually in norwegian, but I translated it fairly quickly to get some feedback from you guys

Now, some parts are already shot, but not anything big. Please just give me your sincere feelings on it. What should be cut, what's good, what can get better etc. No mercy.

Anyways, here goes:


Want Sleep


Christmas 1989

INT. LIVINGROOM – HOMEVIDEO FOOTAGE
Home video of a kid trying to pick presents from underneath the Christmas tree. He picks one out of the bunch, and holds it towards the camera. TO TROY, FROM DAD, the card says. Troy rips open the gift-wrapping, and proudly show off a pair of worn out Converse All Star shoes. He quickly sits down on a couch to measure with his current shoes. They're way too big, but Troy doesn't mind, he smilingly shrugs it off. Then gives his dad behind the camera a hug, and runs off.

January, 1990

INT. LIVINGROOM – HOMEVIDEO FOOTAGE
Troy's dad, our cameraman, straightens up what appears to be a crown made of red paper. Written on the crown with blue lettering, it says: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TROY. The cameraman takes a few steps back, and reveals that Troy's birthday party consists of only two guests; a boy and a girl. The boy hands him a present, the card reads: TO TROY, FROM JOHN. Again, he rips the wrapping apart, and takes out a brand new pair of sunglasses. Troy steps forward to hug him, but they both figure that would be too embarrassing, so it ends up in a handshake. Then the girl hands him a present. He's more careful with the wrapping, removing it without damaging the paper. We never see the present.

Title: I Want Sleep

INT. LOW LIT ROOM
A white gloved hand holds a firm grip around a knife. The knife is slowly lifted over a body on a couch. The knife wielder, a figure dressed in black, towers over it. He wears a white mask. We hear a beating pulse. It escalates. Faster, faster. It reaches a crescendo, and then suddenly stops, stunning silence for a second, then the knife falls. It falls again. Some blood on the mask, some on the knife. It falls again. The now bloody white glove, strokes the bloddy hair.

INT. BEDROOM
Our protagonist, the teenaged Troy is startled as he abruptly wakes from his dream. He's sweating, breathing heavily. Puts one hand to the chest, and looks around. Ascertaining it was nothing but a dream. He lets out a sigh of relief, and puts on a headband, lying on a table next to him.
      
December, 1997
      
      INT. BATHROOM
The pitch black bathroom is filled with light as Troy taps the switch. For Troy it's a little too early for that much light. He rubs his eyes. Still wearing the headband. He studies his tired features in the mirror, whilst supporting himself on the edge of the sink. Troy takes out a bottle from a cabinet, and pours a couple of pills into the palm of his hand. He places them in his mouth, and makes a rapid backwards motion with his head; swallowed. He checks the box, and notices he just took the last two.

EXT. SNOWFILLED ROAD
The prints of Troy's shoes are shown in the gravel; he's heading towards school.

INT. THE SCHOOL CANTINA
It's early in the morning, so the school cantina isn't exactly crowded. Troy sits down across another teenager. He's definitely not as dead as Troy. As a tease, he pulls the headband down over Troy's eyes.

TEEN
Deadbeat.

Troy is annoyed, beats John's arm away, and pulls the headband back into place. John seems caught off guard by his sudden aggression.

TROY
Fuck off, John.

John looks for something in his pocket, Troy's attention drifts. John waves his spare hand in front of Troy.

JOHN
Dreaming?  

Troy opens his mouth to speak, but decides against it. John writes something on a little piece of paper he found in his pocket. He slides it across the table. Troy reads: DEADBEAT.

JOHN
I had a nightmare last night.

TROY
At least you got some sleep.

INT. WHITE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
Troy is sitting on a chair across the desk of his doctor, who is leaning up against it, checking some papers.

DOCTOR
Any changes?

Troy shakes his head. The doctor continues to look through his papers.

DOCTOR
Still no sleep?

TROY
Haven't had a decent nights sleep this entire week.

Troy slowly shakes his head. The doctor fishes out a bottle, identical to the one Troy had at home. He throws it to him.

DOCTOR
Here. Come back next week, then we'll see if there's been any progress.

Troy looks skeptically on the bottle in his hands.

INT. TROY'S ROOM
All lights are off. Troy lies in a chair, head bent backwards, trying to sleep. His eyes are wide open. No luck. Headband still on.

INT. LOW LIT ROOM
MONTAGE OF SHORT CLIPS: The bloody knife gets washed. Bloody gloves. The stab. The stab.

INT. TROY'S ROOM
Troy almost falls off his chair, as he "wakes". His eyes are already open, and his waking is like an electrical shock going through his body.

TROY
(Under his breath)
Shit.

He checks his watch. 04:37.

INT. BATHROOM
Troy takes a couple of pills from his new bottle.

INT. TROY'S ROOM
Troy is lying awake in his bed. Twisting. Turning. Disparing. He just can't sleep. The alarm clock makes the intense situation worse; he grabs it, and throws it across the room. It stops.

INT. TROY'S ROOM – LATER
The alarm clock lying on the floor says 11:38. Troy slowly sits up on the bed.

EXT. TROY'S HOUSE
Troy makes his way towards the mailbox, takes out the contents, and walks back.

INT. TROY'S LIVINGROOM
Troy throws a bunch of envelopes on the living room table, while he stands studying the front page of the local newspaper. A shocking expression suddenly flows across his face, as he reads.

TROY – V.O.
Youth suspected murdered.

He skims through the text.

TROY – V.O.
Lorraine Brackett...

His jaw slightly drops, and he's not able to stand firmly any longer.

CREDIT CARD
C.U. on the picture of a girl, then CUT to the part where the name is: LORRAINE BRACKET. [Think TAXI DRIVER, when Palantine notices Bickle's name]

INT. LOW LIT ROOM
The black figure is towering over the figure in the sofa. The sleeping person turns around, and is revealed as Lorraine. A comforting smile on her lips. Dreaming. The stab.

INT. TROY'S LIVINGROOM
Troy stumbles a bit, loses the paper, and lands on the couch behind him. He looks slowly, almost desperately around; looking for reasons in God knows what. He takes off his headband, clutching it, whilst hiding his face in his hands. Sobbing.

INT. JOHN'S LIVINGROOM
John is sitting in a sofa, clutching the newspaper. He's rocking back and forth, crying.

INT. LORRAINE'S LIVINGROOM
There's a table. Two plates. One used one clean. Besides one, there lies a used napkin, besides the other, it's totally new.

INT. CLASSROOM
All students are sitting perfectly still, while a lonely desk stands in the middle of the room. Empty, but for the almost burnt out candle light standing on it.

INT. TROY'S LIVINGROOM – LATER
Troy is lying on the couch now. Thinking. He's stroking a small picture of Lorraine. He holds it firmly, trying not to cry, then puts it in his pocket, and gets up. He leaves.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF OFFICEBUILDING
Troy rips the door open, and enters.

INT. OFFICE
Troy cautiously opens the door, and peaks in. Nobody. He walks over to a desk, and reads a note addressed to him: TROY: YOU'RE LATE!!

INT. OFFICE – LATER
Troy is washing the desk, scrubbing away intensely. Suddenly he throws the rag he's been washing with across the room. He sits down on his knees, grabs the trash can and throws up in it. He breaks into tears.

INT. LOW LIT ROOM
In the middle of the room, the black clothed figure is kneeling. Slowly, it stands up.

CUT TO
The knife being washed. The gloved hand stroking Lorraine's hair.

FADE TO WHITE

FADE IN

INT. BATHROOM  
Troy throws water in his face, and once again studies his tired features. Stoned-like eyes, headband. Another bad day.

INT. THE SCHOOL CANTINA
Troy goes to sit with John, the same table as before. John looks up. His eyes are flooded. No-one says anything for a bit. The silence is broken when John passes Troy a note: TEARS. Then he gets up, and walks slowly away, Troy's alone again.

INT. CLASSROOM
Troy is sitting at his desk, leaning his head against his arm, bored to death. He glances over at John, behind him to the left. He's staring at the empty desk in front of him, empty but for a candle, long since burnt out.  

FOG
A figure stands in the midst of fog. Slowly, the black clothed figure comes from behind and slits the figure's throat.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY
Troy is the first one out the door. He immediately gets up against the wall, and starts tapping it. The second John exits the classroom, Troy grabs him, and puts him against the wall, semi-aggressively.

TROY
We need to talk.

INT. THE SCHOOL CANTINA
Same table as always. Troy and John, across each other. John's face is covered with total bewilderment, and disbelief.

JOHN
I'm not quite sure how to interpret what you're telling me, Troy.

Troy just stares at the table.

JOHN
And, you've "dreamt" things like these before?

Troy nods so slowly, there's hardly any movement at all.

JOHN
Lorraine?

Troy looks up at him. His eyes say it all. John waves his hands in discouragement. Then he takes a pen and writes another little note, that he passes over the table. SHE'S NOT HERE.

JOHN
Troy, she's not here.

He gets up, and walks over to Troy. John leans down to below Troy's eyelevel. He jerks the headband, gently. He rises, pauses, then leaves Troy alone, yet again.  

INT. OFFICE
Troy is sitting on a chair behind a desk, rag in hand. He's tired, stopped washing. Given up. There's a knock on the door. Troy slowly looks up, he sees John standing in the door. He comes inside, leaves the door open, and sits down on the floor. He tries to form a smile.

JOHN
Hey.

Troy just looks at him like he doesn't know him.

JOHN
Here we are, huh?

He tries to laugh everything off, but his phony chuckles quickly turn to sobs.

JOHN
We were damn good friends weren't we? Remember? You, Lorraine, me. I mean, since we were how old? Huh?

EXT. ROAD – HOMEVIDEO FOOTAGE
Troy, John and Lorraine are walking togheter. John takes her hand.

INT. OFFICE - CONTINUING
Troy's eyes focus on John again, as his thoughts drift back.

JOHN
I don't want to loose my two only friends in the course of a week. Hell if I will.

John wipes away some tears. Troy is unaffected. He gets up.

JOHN
Where are you going?

Troy goes over to John, and sits down next to him. Takes off the headband, puts it aggressively on John, the he presses a little note into his hand, before leaving him. Alone. John reads the note: SHE'S NOT HERE.

FADE TO

FOG

FADE TO

INT. OFFICE – CONTINUING
Troy slowly sits down on his chair again. C.U. on him all through the shot, then we slowly pan back, to reveal the body of John lying on the floor; blood pouring from his throat. Eyes wide open, hand clutching the note, head carrying the headband. Troy leans back as far as he can possibly go in his chair. He closes his eyes, marveling the silence, the peace. Then, with a slight smile upon his face, he sleeps.

FADE TO WHITE

FADE IN

INT. LOW LIT ROOM
Black clothed Troy raises his knife. The girl turns, and we see her pretty face once more; one final time. This time, we almost feel regret behind that clean white mask. The knife falls. Slowly. Slowly.

FADE TO WHITE

FADE IN

INT. LIVINGROOM – HOMEVIDEO FOOTAGE
Lorraine hands her present to Troy, who carefully dissects the paper, and eventually reveals her gift. A brand new headband.

FADE TO WHITE

[Just Withnail]

Just as a little heads-up should anyone reply: I'm going to Roskilde, Denmark ( ) for a week, and won't be able to reply unless i find an internet cafe. Just so you don't think I'm rude by not acknowledging your comments  

[Ghostboy]

Have fun! I will be reading this once I cease to be so tired.

[Just Withnail]

 Gone for a week, yet no replies. Anyone who cares to read?

[Ghostboy]

Ah man, I'm glad you brought this back up because I completely forgot about it! I've now read it and here is my opinion.

I don't think it necessarily reads very well, but as a filmmaker I can tell that it might come together better on screen. It's hard for me to critique the screenplay itself, as its very vague and obscure...it feels more like a bad dream than a fractured narrative. It doesn't seem to make much sense, but at the same time it all fits together in a weird sort of way. I think if it is made with a definite leaning towards the surreal, it will work. But if it's played too conventionally, then it might come across as underwritten and possibly even pointless. I'm guessing by the way in which you've written it that the former is the case, however.

I love the concept of the shots of the fog...reminds me of the billowing fog at the end of Mulholland Drive. The figure in balck with the white face, though, sounds a little too close to a description of Michael Myers. And I'd remove the analogy to Taxi Driver...just from a screenwriting POV.

Which scenes have you already filmed? I'm very curious to see the finished product...

[Just Withnail]

Thanks for the feedback I'd already removed the Taxi Driver reference actually. The black figure isn't going to be Michael Myers-like at all, just pure black, then a little white mask that covers the eyes.

Scenes that I've already shot:

INT. LIVINGROOM – HOMEVIDEO FOOTAGE
Home video of a kid trying to pick presents from underneath the Christmas tree. He picks one out of the bunch, and holds it towards the camera. TO TROY, FROM DAD, the card says. Troy rips open the gift-wrapping, and proudly show off a pair of worn out Converse All Star shoes. He quickly sits down on a couch to measure with his current shoes. They're way too big, but Troy doesn't mind, he smilingly shrugs it off. Then gives his dad behind the camera a hug, and runs off.

--

INT. BEDROOM
Our protagonist, the teenaged Troy is startled as he abruptly wakes from his dream. He's sweating, breathing heavily. Puts one hand to the chest, and looks around. Ascertaining it was nothing but a dream. He lets out a sigh of relief, and puts on a headband, lying on a table next to him.

December, 1997

INT. BATHROOM
The pitch black bathroom is filled with light as Troy taps the switch. For Troy it's a little too early for that much light. He rubs his eyes. Still wearing the headband. He studies his tired features in the mirror, whilst supporting himself on the edge of the sink. Troy takes out a bottle from a cabinet, and pours a couple of pills into the palm of his hand. He places them in his mouth, and makes a rapid backwards motion with his head; swallowed. He checks the box, and notices he just took the last two.

--

INT. TROY'S ROOM
All lights are off. Troy lies in a chair, head bent backwards, trying to sleep. His eyes are wide open. No luck. Headband still on.

--

INT. TROY'S ROOM
Troy almost falls off his chair, as he "wakes". His eyes are already open, and his waking is like an electrical shock going through his body.

TROY
(Under his breath)
Shit.

He checks his watch. 04:37.

INT. BATHROOM
Troy takes a couple of pills from his new bottle.

INT. TROY'S ROOM
Troy is lying awake in his bed. Twisting. Turning. Disparing. He just can't sleep. The alarm clock makes the intense situation worse; he grabs it, and throws it across the room. It stops.

INT. TROY'S ROOM – LATER
The alarm clock lying on the floor says 11:38. Troy slowly sits up on the bed.

EXT. TROY'S HOUSE
Troy makes his way towards the mailbox, takes out the contents, and walks back.

INT. TROY'S LIVINGROOM
Troy throws a bunch of envelopes on the living room table, while he stands studying the front page of the local newspaper. A shocking expression suddenly flows across his face, as he reads.

TROY – V.O.
Youth suspected murdered.

He skims through the text.

TROY – V.O.
Lorraine Brackett...

His jaw slightly drops, and he's not able to stand firmly any longer.

CREDIT CARD
C.U. on the picture of a girl, then CUT to the part where the name is: LORRAINE BRACKET. [Think TAXI DRIVER, when Palantine notices Bickle's name]

INT. LOW LIT ROOM
The black figure is towering over the figure in the sofa. The sleeping person turns around, and is revealed as Lorraine. A comforting smile on her lips. Dreaming. The stab.

INT. TROY'S LIVINGROOM
Troy stumbles a bit, loses the paper, and lands on the couch behind him. He looks slowly, almost desperately around; looking for reasons in God knows what. He takes off his headband, clutching it, whilst hiding his face in his hands. Sobbing.

--

INT. BATHROOM
Troy throws water in his face, and once again studies his tired features. Stoned-like eyes, headband. Another bad day.

--

I think what I've done, which I probably shouldn't, was to bring the story down to the bare minimum over the course of several drafts. I may have made it too tight. Important information in every scene, and I didn't want to make everything obvious. Am I asking to much of the audience. I don't know...you guys are more qualified to evaluate it than me, and you can look at it from an unpersonal viewpoint.

What parts was it you though didn't make sense? What should be re-written? Any advise that would strengthen my screenplay is very welcome.

[Ghostboy]

I think some of the communication between Troy and John is what confused me the most. The stuff in the office, especially. I read the script again, and picked up a lot more the second time -- a third reading might help even more. I don't know if you intended for there to be a motive behind the killing, but I didn't pick up on any. Again, I think it will work very well visually. The passing of notes motif was confusing at first, but I think it could end up being very surreal and eerie. And there are many images that I think will be incredible -- the candle in the classroom, I think, is my favorite.

What I'd recommend, since you're already making this, is too shoot more -- maybe some of the stuff you cut out. Then you can pare it down to perfection while editing. It'll be far easier to tell what works when you have it on film.

[Just Withnail]

The motive is that Troy was supposedly in love with Lorraine, but he kinda snapped when she stared "dating" (or whatever) John. This was supposed to be shown when he strokes the photograph, and a little shot I just noticed got lost in the translation: During the flashback in the office at the end, when Lorraine takes Johns hand, Troy gets a very uneasy look on his face. In fact the main way of showing his affection for her, is wearing the same headband he got from her all those years ago. Perhaps I should put in some more hints of the John/ Lorraine relationship?

The stuff I've cut out was mostly dialouge. My first drafts were loaded with dialouge, and left absolutely nothing to the viewer. As I said, I may have cut to much, but I rather put in more revealing (sublte) shots, than lots of exposition dialouge.

[Ghostboy]

Absolutely --- I say the less dialogue the better, and you're at a pretty good level right now in that area. The shots you talk about, again, will come through a lot more strongly on screen, so it may be fine at the moment.

[Just Withnail]

Thanks for the good advice Ghostboy, you've been a great outside voice   Help is always appreciated.