1st draft of a short I'm shooting in january

[kotte]

I'm shooting it next year in S16.
Sorry if it's hard to read. It's very visual.

INT. SHADY OFFICE - DAY
A private investigator, COOKE MARONEY (40s) sits by his desk smoking a cigarette. He listens to a man OFF SCREEN.
MAN (O.S.)
(crying)
My good father is dead. Mother found him in bed...with a...he was shot in the head. I can't believe it, shot in the face with no...face left. My father.
COOKE
Awful, mr. Underhill. Awfully terrible...but I need more info to establish important things. Who was he, your father? The man you loved.
MR. UNDERHILL (O.S.)
Nothing short of a great man...he had a company, the Underhill Undertakers...funerals and you know...I can't...he's dead. Someone did this...why did someone...
COOKE
I don't know. I don't know...does someone hate your father?
MR. UNDERHILL (O.S.)
Hate? Mr. Maroney, no one hated dad. He was loved by everyone.
Beat.
COOKE
Ok. let's rephrase...do you have any suspects of your own? There's gotta be at least one or two...there's always a suspect.
MR. UNDERHILL
I don't know...it could be the Gardener, the Pastor or maybe the Gangster.
BLACK.
TITLE CARD: "8 days later."
INT. GYNECOLOGIST EXAMINING ROOM - DAY
A WOMAN sleeps in the gynecologist chair. Mr. Underhill is in between her legs fiddling and examining.
Someone KNOCKS on the door.
MR. UNDERHILL
It's open.
Cooke Maroney enters. Mr. Underhill turns around.
MR. UNDERHILL
Welcome, mr. Maroney.
COOKE
Yeah thanks...I could come back later if you--
MR. UNDERHILL
No, she'll be here for a while...and she's a sleep now so... please, go ahead.
Mr. Underhill returns to his work.
MR. UNDERHILL
You had something to tell me?
COOKE
Yeah...I went to see the men you told me about...and well...
INT. GARDEN - DAY
A GARDENER mows a big lawn.
COOKE (V.O.)
It wasn't the Gardener...
INT. CHURCH - DAY
A PASTOR prays at a Jesus icon,
COOKE (V.S.)
Or the Pastor.
PASTOR
And you said 'shall not murder'
INT. DARK ROOM - NIGHT
A MAN sits bloody on a chair.
PUSH IN.
The GANGSTER punches him senseless.
COOKE (V.O.)
Nor did the Gangster.
The gangster turns around and looks into the CAMERA
GANGSTER
I did not kill him.
INT. GYNECOLOGIST EXAMINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Mr. Underhill looks at Cooke.
MR. UNDERHILL
So who did it?
Beat.
COOKE
The Butler.
MR. UNDERHILL
The Butler?
COOKE
Yes, The Butler.
MR. UNDERHILL
Nigel shot dad?
COOKE
That's my take on it.
Beat.
MR. UNDERHILL
Nigel? Why? How?
COOKE
You're not gonna like it.
MR. UNDERHILL
Tell me.
COOKE
You're seriously not gonna like it.
MR. UNDERHILL
Tell me now.
COOKE
You said there was a lot of things the police couldn't explain.
INT. MR. UNDERHILLS BEDROOM - NIGHT
A big man, CARL UNDERHILL (60s), lies in his bed with his behind showing.
COOKE (V.O.)
The way they found him...
INT. GYNECOLOGIST EXAMINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
COOKE
...and the severed penis.
MR. UNDERHILL
But you can?
COOKE
I believe so.
MR. UNDERHILL
I'm all ears.
COOKE
The story goes:
INT. A GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
Cooke strolls around.
COOKE (V.O.)
I usually stroll around graveyards at night. Helps me ponder. 3 nights ago a saw this man--
COOKES POV
COOKE (V.O.)
--digging up a fresh casket...it was The Butler.
INT. GYNECOLOGIST EXAMINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
COOKE
Things really came together when I went to see your mother.
MR. UNDERHILL
She told me you did.
INT. THE UNDERHILL RESIDENCE - MORNING
MAIN ENTRANCE
A LADY (60s) opens the door.
LADY
Yes.
COOKE
Good morning lady. You don't know me. I'm the private investigator your son hired.
He shows her his badge.
LADY
Oh, you're Cock...welcome in.
COOKE
It's Cooke. Thank you. I have a few of questions.
Cooke steps in.
HALLWAY
The Lady leads the way.
COOKE (V.O.)
She led the way to 'the working space' as she said.
She walks past a room with a door half closed. Cooke takes a peak inside the room.
COOKE (V.O.)
The door was open so I took a peak.
CLOSE UP: COOKE IN HORROR.
Beat.
COOKE (V.O.)
Oh, the horror.
CLOSE UP: A WATER-FILLED JAR WITH A SEVERED PENIS INSIDE.
COOKE (V.O.)
The penis. I found the penis. In a jar...as embellishment. Can you believe that?
INT. GYNECOLOGIST EXAMINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Mr. Underhill stares at Cooke.
COOKE
So I just put two and two together and bam...The Butler did it...it's a cliche but butlers as a group are more inclined to murder than any other...as true as gravity...mr. Underhill?
Beat
MR. UNDERHILL
I...how...I...how am I gonna process this information? Why...I mean why...why did he do it?
COOKE
It took some figuring out but I'm a good dick. I'm pretty sure how it happened.
INT. CARLS WORKING SPACE - DAY
Carl works.
COOKE (V.O.)
The police labeled the whole case as a 'rapemurder'. I would reverse that: 'murderrape'. The Butler shot your--
Nigel shoots Carl in the face.
COOKE (V.O.)
Father in the face--
CLOSE UP: FEET BEING DRAGGED OVER THE FLOOR.
COOKE (V.O.)
Schlepped him to the master bedroom--
MEDIUM SHOT: THE BUTLER MAKING LOVE TO CARL.
COOKE (V.O.)
And made passionate love to his body.
INT. GYNECOLOGIST EXAMINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Mr. Underhill cries between the womans' legs.
COOKE
I'm sorry. The Butler, your Nigel is an experienced necrophile...I'm sorry...so now you know...I'll leave it at that...you can just drop by my office with the money...I'm sorry...Cooke's out.
Cooke leaves.
INT. SHADY OFFICE - NIGHT
Cooke sits with a cigarette staring out in space.
COOKE (V.O.)
Necrophilism...interesting...why? Why do it?...Dahmer said: 'Sex with living people isn't as good. They can just get up and leave'... Is it low self-esteem or a sick, twisted sexual orientation?...I can't see how corpses are sexy. Nothing is hot. All cold...I guess I'm pretty normal.

[Weak2ndAct]

Hmmm, okay.  I'll just be honest.  I don't like it, and don't exactly get it.  What's the point?  To draw something from the Dahmer quote?

And is the gynecologist thing supposed to be funny?  It seems in pretty poor taste and is 100% unrealistic.  And why have Underhill off screen in the first scene, only to reveal him right after?  Doesn't add up to me.

[kotte]

yeah...I didn't think someone would...It's too visual for a script to do it justice. Thanks for your opinion.

[Weak2ndAct]

Explain what I'm missing in the visuals.

[kotte]

Explain what I'm missing in the visuals.

You know, I can't really explain it...I'm going for 'highten reality'...
I appreciate you read it all...

[Ghostboy]

I'm about to read it, but before I do, let me just say that saying "I can't explain it" is never a good idea when you're making a film.

[kotte]

I'm about to read it, but before I do, let me just say that saying "I can't explain it" is never a good idea when you're making a film.

Well, then Boogie Nights wasn't a good idea then?

What did PTA say to Sam Jackson? "I can't really explain it"...
If people just don't get it...then there's nothing I can do to explain it...

[Weak2ndAct]

If people just don't get it...then there's nothing I can do to explain it...

That's incredibly condescending.

[kotte]

If people just don't get it...then there's nothing I can do to explain it...

That's incredibly condescending.

Ok, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

It's the kind of script that doesn't stand being posted and read on the net. I somehow expected the response.

I know exactly what it's gonna be...and I can't explain it...that's me falling short, not me thinking you wouldn't understand it.

It's a very quick and snappy short.

[SHAFTR]

If you shoot the film so it has an expressionistic look to it, I think it could work.

[Witkacy]

Not expressionistic... more film noir... it's a big difference.  You call it visual but it's got a shit load of dialogue.  I'm thinking you got some Sam Fuller in you or something.

[kotte]

Not expressionistic... more film noir... it's a big difference.  You call it visual but it's got a shit load of dialogue.  I'm thinking you got some Sam Fuller in you or something.

I say visual but that's just an excuse for my unability to communicate it.
And I say visual also cause people here hate it but I know it'll be good...I know exactly what it's gonna be...

but I respect and welcome opinions.

[SHAFTR]

Not expressionistic... more film noir... it's a big difference.  You call it visual but it's got a shit load of dialogue.  I'm thinking you got some Sam Fuller in you or something.

I disagree, Film Noir is often used to downplay emotion in the characters, where as expressionism is used to heighten that.  The way this is written, I think shooting in a film noir style will result in the lines sounding ridiculous.  If it has an expressionistic style it won't seem that way, b/c the style will match the words.

[markums2k]

The push-ins and stuff lead me to believe it will be very PTA-esque (specifically, the Magnolia prologue)... which is both good and bad.

In my opinion, the gynecologist thing was clever and I like it.  I like the gangster bit and how it builds.  I don't like the other stuff.  Is it just there for shock value, or does it have a point?  Actually, if you told me it had a point, I still wouldn't believe you.  It's very 'indie'... maybe that's what you're going for.

[Gamblour.]

For some reason, I'm reminded of Hudsucker Proxy. It has the same potential to be Looney Tunes-ish, but the jokes range from being too easy (Cock) to almost self-aware (calling them The Gangster, the Priest, etc.). Is it supposed to be goofy, Mel Brooksian, or is it darker? I think it would be funny if they referred to the Butler, to his face, as "the Butler." Like, "hello, The Butler." That'd go towards the former direction. Or maybe, as he's crying between the woman's legs, have him bang his head on her vagina. If you wanted to go darker instead, focus more on how disturbing this shit really is, but mock it at the same time.

My roommate, who's dad is a gyno, has some suggestions for those scenes:
1. Mention the word "speculum" more often.
2. Have the doctor taunt his patients by touching the side of their vagina with a tool and going, "BZZZZZ Operation! It takes a steady hand!"