Short (six page) Screenplay. Feedback and criticism needed

[OmegaSlacker]

My first time posting here. I'm usually hesitant about posting stuff on websites, but I've been checking out this site the past few days and this is a really great group (obligatory ass kissing, but true nonetheless). Hopefully you'll find time to read over and provide feedback for the script below. I know it's probably not in perfect script form, but I'll be using it myself in what will hopefully be my first "movie" filmed in Detroit sometime over the summer, so I didn't think perfect script form was absolutely necessary.  Hopefully all the camera moves and cut directions aren't distracting, but they're an intergral part of the story. Please, enjoy and repsond.



INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
A large computer desk sits in the center of the room. It's very much the focal point of the room. Behind the desk is a leather lazy boy chair. DUNCAN SHIELDS, a twenty four year old white male, enters the room. He looks ragged, defeated in life. From first look, Duncan is an outsider, a man upon himself.

He takes a seat in the leather chair and pulls himself up to the keyboard.
(Music suggestion: A lazy jazz tune. Something to the effect of Herbie Hancock's "Cantaloupe Island.")

His hands and fingers go to work, pounding away at the keys at a feverish pace. A couple of clicks on the mouse and Duncan's work is finished. A smile comes over his face as he leans his head back in his chair and looks at the images on the screen.

ANGLE ON
The computer screen, which shows a website. Most of the site is text, entries in a blog journal. Next to the blog entries is a cam grab screen. The picture is of JESSICA MULLINS, a white female in her mid-twenties. She is beautiful, captivating, worth a second look. Her eyes were focused directly on the camera when this picture was taken. Her eyes are piercing, strongly focused.

CUT TO:
Duncan in his chair, his eyes transfixed on the screen, looking directly into Jessica's eyes in the picture.

CUT TO:
A tight close up of Jessica's eyes.

CUT TO:
A tight close up of Duncan's eyes. A moment passes and the shot loosens, zooming out, showing Duncan in his chair, relaxed, appeased, and for the moment, satisfied. He leans his head back in his chair again. A slight smile crosses his face. He closes his eyes to blink.
FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:
INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT
ANGLE ON
A pair of eyes, closed shut. The eyes open, taking in the light. Zooming out, the room develops. A chandelier hangs from the ceiling. A grand ballroom with a massive flight of stairs down the center. Duncan stands at the top of the stairs, looking very unlike himself in the last sequence.

Dressed to the nines in a full out three piece suit, top hat and a walking cane in hand, Duncan walks with a confident swagger to his step, strolling down the steps. He swings the cane around, a smooth move one wouldn't expect from a person of Duncan's personality.
(Music suggestion: A song one could strut to, a loose hip hop beat similar to the remix of Lil' Flip's "This is the Way We Ball.")

Duncan reaches the bottom of the staircase. He continues his strut across the room until he reaches the center of the room, where he reaches Jessica, who is also fully decked out in a high class wardrobe, a sweeping dress that falls to the middle of her shins. The top reveals a hint of cleavage and her hair is done up in a manner that a queen would envy.

On his last stop, Duncan deftly busts out a spin move, reminiscent of a move done by The Temptations. He slightly bows as he extends his hand, asking Jessica for a dance. She accepts and they begin into a moving waltz, staring deep into each other's eyes as they tear across the dance floor.
(Music suggestion: An enchanting classic, something similar to Louis Armstrong's rendition of "Moon River.")

They continue to dance, captivated by each other.

ANGLE ON
A tight shot of Duncan's face, focusing mostly on his eyes, transfixed, looking deeply into Jessica's.

ANGLE ON
A similar shot of Jessica's face, focusing mainly on her eyes, looking deeply into Duncan's.

ANGLE ON
Back to Duncan's face. His look remains the same.

FLASH CUT TO:
A quick blast of a screen shot from a computer. A half second look at a Microsoft warning screen. "System is not stable."

ANGLE ON
A close shot of Duncan's face. He blinks several times. He shakes his head, as if trying to rid himself of an image.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS SHOT
Zoom out to a shot of Duncan in his living room, dancing to the music by himself, holding his arms in form as if he had a partner. He comes to a stop and looks around the room, extremely confused.

He takes a moment to recompose himself. Again, he takes a seat in the chair. He looks around again, and then stops to focus on the computer screen.

ANGLE ON
A tight close up of Duncan's eyes. Again they close to blink.
FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:
A tight close up of a pair of eyes. They open to the daylight, taking in the sun. Zoom out to

EXT.  HART PLAZA - DAY (CONTINUOUS SHOT)
Duncan sits on a blanket in the park, down by the Detroit River. He turns his head and there is Jessica, sitting next to him, pulling items out of a picnic basket. Duncan smiles and looks over the calm water, then up at the Ambassador Bridge.

Jessica continues to take the items out of the picnic basket as Duncan interrupts her by placing his hand on hers, taking it into his own. She looks up and smiles at Duncan. She leans in slowly for a kiss. Duncan begins to lean in as well.

ANGLE ON
A tight shot of Duncan's face, leaning in for the kiss. He closes his eyes as he gets closer to Jessica.

FLASH CUT TO:
A quick blast of a computer screen. A one second look at a File transfer. "37% complete."

ANGLE ON
A tight shot of Jessica's face, leaning in as well. She closes her eyes as she gets closer to Duncan.

FLASH CUT TO:
A quick blast of a computer screen. A one second look at a File transfer. "72% complete."

ANGLE ON
Duncan, closer and closer he leans in for the kiss.

FLASH CUT TO:
A quick blast of a computer screen. A one second look at a File transfer. "Transfer failed."

ANGLE ON
A tight shot of Duncan, eyes still closed, moving in for the kiss. After a moment of nothing, he opens his eyes.

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS SHOT
Duncan sits on his living room floor, the same blanket from Hart Plaza spread out beneath him. A sandwich, a bag of chips and a bottle of Faygo Cola sits in front of his lap. He looks around the room, confused again.
A moments passes before he rises to his feet. He ignores the food and drink and sits back down in his computer chair again.
He takes his seat once again and again, he looks into the computer screen.

ANGLE ON
A tight close up of Duncan's eyes. Again, they close to blink.
FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:
A pair of eyes open. They dart back and forth, looking around the room. Zoom out to reveal,

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS SHOT
Duncan, laying in his bed, underneath the covers. He's anxious, obviously awaiting. A spin pan around the room reveals Jessica, standing at the foot of the bed, dressed in very sexy, although not very revealing lingerie.
Slowly, she leans down on to the bed. She starts to crawl across the bed seductively as Duncan beams with anticipation.

FLASH CUT TO:
A quick blast of a computer screen. A half second look at a Microsoft shut down screen. "Stand By, Turn Off, Restart" are the options.

CUT TO:
Jessica still seductively making her way across the bed.

FLASH CUT TO:
A quick blast of a computer screen. A half second look at a Microsoft shut down screen. The screen has turned black and white. A mouse icon clicks on the "Turn off" option."

CUT TO:
Jessica is inching closer and closer to Duncan. She is almost laying on top of him completely, her head hovering above his stomach and chest.

FLASH CUT TO:
A quick blast of a computer screen. A half second look at a Microsoft shut down screen. "Logging off."

CUT TO:
She inches closer...

FLASH CUT TO:
A quick blast of a computer screen. A half second look at a Microsoft shut down screen. "Saving Your Settings."

CUT TO:
And closer...

FLASH CUT TO:
A quick blast of a computer screen. A half second look at a Microsoft shut down screen. "Windows is Shutting Down."

CUT TO:
Jessica now lies fully on top of Duncan. She smiles at him. He returns the smile.

ANGLE ON
A tight close up of Jessica's eyes. Longing, passion, and desire reside in her eyes.

ANGLE ON
A tight close up of Duncan's eyes. The same look exudes from his eyes.

FLASH CUT TO:
A quick blast of a computer screen. A two second look at a Microsoft shut down screen. "Windows is Shutting Down." And then black.

ANGLE ON
A tight close up of Duncan's face, his eyes closed in passion, in ecstasy. He opens them. Zoom out to reveal,

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS SHOT
Duncan lying in his bed. Alone. He lays still for a moment, then he jumps to a sitting up position. He looks around the room. A circle pan shows no one, nothing. The circle pan ends where it started, back onto Duncan. He climbs out of bed and exits his bedroom.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS SHOT
Duncan enters the living room and immediately heads directly towards his computer. He looks at the screen.

ANGLE ON
The computer screen. Solid black, turned off.

ANGLE ON
Duncan, looking at the screen. He's lost and confused.

ANGLE ON
The computer screen. Still black, still turned off. Zoom in tighter and tighter until nothing but the black is visible.

[Pedro]

Hmmm...I love the way you wrote this.  You're obviously a very talented writer.  The absense of dialogue was great too.  However, I'm not exactly sure if there is a real ending, or story here.  As an experimental piece this is perfect.  And I really like the way you've written this with flash cuts and such, but once again..I don't see a story...a guy fantasizing about a girl I guess...but maybe that was what you we're going for.  If that's the case you perfectly accomplished that.  But I can't really suggest much...and couldn't do any better, so who am I to criticize.  But overall, great job.  I'd love to see some more of your stuff.

-Pedro

[Derek]

I hate to say that I was waiting for something to happen, but I was. The screen turned black for the final time and I scrolled back up to see if there was something I missed. It was well-written, there was just no context (except for a little bit at the very start about the way he is dressed and walks) in which to view the characters or care about them. Especially the guy.

[cowboykurtis]

your thoughts were well articulated. however as far as the story goes it doesn't work. there is only the need for one of these "dream sequences". i understand what you're trying to do, however, if the stakes aren't raised in each dream, they become trivial.  there has to be something "more" that happens in these dream sequences. we get the point that he likes her from the second we see her picture on the screen. there is not enough of a sturggle. for the most part the protaganist is never forced to make any interesting decisions -- this leads to a lack of tension, drama, and ultimatly a lack of intersest. i think it starts out intriguing, just raise the stakes. and i agree with the others -- there is not an ending, theres never a conflict, never a resolution. not that every film needs to follow that format, but if were not invested in some sort of dramatic conflict, all is lost. wondering if he'll "get the girl" isnt enought of a conflict. Also there are many instances in your wriitng when you sepcify things that can not be shown visually. an example of this is: "we can see he's an outsider." how do you show that? its not possible. if you wrote specific details that were associated with an outsider, it may work, but a phrase like this should not be in a screenplay. how will the audience just " see that he's an outsider?" this is all meant to be constructive. keep up the work. theres no doubt you have talent, it just has to be refined.

[OmegaSlacker]

I appreciate the feedback.

This is the first time I've tried anything of this sort, like...I guess it's drama in a sense. I don't know. Usually I just do straight comedies (except this script I wrote for an indy filmmaker in New York. He had the story, just needed dialogue), so this was something new and different for me. I'm taking into consideration all your input and will definitely re-draft.

My strong point (I feel) is dialogue. I love to write dialogue. I could write dialogue all day long. To make a good joke out of words, out of thin air, there's nothing better for me, so obviously, this was a tremendous stretch.

It can only get better from here, right?