Rules For Visiting Minnesota
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Kroll's Kitchen. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your butt.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns: Fertile, Moorhead, Climax, Cummings, Gentilly, or we will just HAVE to kick your butt.
3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Up here it's called Pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a butt kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your butt.
5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living up here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time (Jesse Ventura) but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her butt back to Arkansas.
6) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the heck out of here or we'll kick your butt.
7) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak rare like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your butt.
8 ) Don't try to fake a Minnesota accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention the movie "Fargo" as that will incite a riot and you will get your butt kicked.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city like Detroit, New York, and LA, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Northwest Airlines is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.
10) Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care. If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's 10 below zero then you should go home and try fishing in New York Harbor. Also, if you hog the heater in the fish house we'll kick your butt.
11) Don't complain that Minnesota doesn't really have 10,000 lakes, we actually have around 22,000, so if you whine we'll kick your butt all the way back to Cleveland.
12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your butt just like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the north woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your butt.
14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the Vikings and the Twins suck (only Minnesotans and true fans can knock'em down). If you do, this will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box minus your butt.