This post is devoted to the funniest, smartest and most unique member this board ever had. The number of incredible posts he has is astounding. This is an attempt at a best of.Where it all began
The thread is ''20 years from now... What will PTA be like....''
This is MrBurgerKing's 4th post ever.
I think he'll have a big career, and go down as one of the best. He's definately one of the best younger talents out there. When people look back on this generation of filmmakers, it seems as if guys like PTA and Tarantino will probably be considered the best (just like Altman, Scorsese, Spielberg are considered the best of their generation).
If he never makes a movie again, he'd still be one of my favorites. This is coming from some prick who eats at burger king twice a week (how that's relevent, I don't know). I usually order the whopper combo with cheese, large orange soda and onion rings.
He double posts
I also tell them to take off the onions..
Then triple posts
sorry for posting again, but I'm too lazy to hit the edit button.. funny story -- I was at the drive through and I told the guy I want no onions on the burger but I wanted onion rings instead of fries.. The guy was confused and it took me five minutes to explain it to him. When he finally understood, he laughed at me as if I were crazy. I explained to him that onions on a burger do not appeal to me, but deep fried onions appeal to me because I am overweight and need to clog up my arteries even moreso than they already are.
A legend is born. He is still elaborating on his whole persona, and a few posts later, on a stupid thread about the value of art, he goes
Listen to this post, maybe it will convince you. Forgive me if the grammar is poor, it's late (actually it's 3 in the afternoon, but I need an excuse). The fourteen year old cook at Burger King might consider his craft an artform. You, the consumers however, see it as a way to get fat, to eat your meal ASAP and get out of there. To the cook, it's his artform, it's his passion. Making that burger is what gets him up to go to work.
In your life, you might meet many Burger King elitists, who view this kid's job as an artform, and might crucify you for not believing it is. Who's right and who's wrong though? It's not so black and white. To the chef, he is an artist, but to you, he is a mutant.
This is the first time he uses fast food as a metaphor, with an irony so fine and rich that it's really quite hard to know if he's a madman or a genius yet.
But sometimes, there was no need for metaphors. Just a good story was enough.
Mulvaney the Criterion guy? Why?
perhaps it is because he is the biggest prick in the world? (right next to the CEO of McDonalds).
True story -- there was this one time (ONE time) I was at McDonalds.. still with me? Now, the woman handling the cash register was an absolutely huge woman. She's the type of woman with a mustache and whiskers, with messed up hair and trailer glasses. She's the type of woman that could pass for a man. She has 3 chins, and her face oozed into her body (okay, I'm describing Pizza the Hut here). So, she said what would you like? At this point, every single ounce of energy in my body, every single breath and movement was focused on one thing. I felt the sweat pour down my back and through my shirt. I trembled and couldn't move as I knew it was inevitable. She stared at me, and I stared back, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, trying to hold back that laughter. Now, standing there a good while, my laughter was getting closer and closer to bursting out. I really considered just running out of there, or perhaps saying nevermind and leaving, but I knew if I had said one word, the laughs would have come out. Suddenly, the heavens answered my prayers --- behind her in the McDonalds kitchen, a dishwasher or something dropped all those trays (that go on the trashcans), and they scattered all over the ground... It was my moment to let all that laughter out.. Thank god for that.. I ended up ordering that BigMac garbage.. worst burger I've ever had.
And other times, the story didn't even have to be good.
I was at Wendys the other day and this prick came in, interrupting all our meals. He kept shouting about how Wendys is horrible, and how it's the worst restaurant. He claimed that it's the devils' food. He went on and on for half an hour
At first, not everyone understood his genius.
Seriously, what's your obsession with fast-food? Do you make yourself laugh with these retarded comments you make?
And he was definitely not the most confident guy even for his genius.
I do realize that I'm the reject on this board, like the overweight 13 year old minimum-waged dishwasher with a premature mustache at the local BurgerKing
I hate, hate, hate not understanding jokes. When I'm in a crowd and someone makes a joke, 80% of the time (actually let's say 75% of the time) I don't understand the joke. I laugh anyway though because everyone else laughs at the jokes. If I don't laugh I look like a huge horse's ass. A prick basically. I was caught once in the act. I was driving people around in my car, and this man gave a pseudo-joke (purposely doesn't make sense) just to see who would laugh. So, he said the joke and no one laughed, but I laughed. When he revealed that he just wanted to see who would laugh at a joke that doesn't make sense, I was naturally embarassed. No, I wasn't embarassed, I was a moron. I wanted to go into the 'I'm a fucking idiot' routine. I wanted to smash my head on the steering wheel nine times saying "I'm a fucking idiot." Maybe if I was alone that would work, but the car was packed. I was caught in my tracks like a prick, so I told him I only laughed to make him feel better because no one else laughed. They all knew I was a liar, which made it even worst.
Even CopyrightBrad failed to grasp his genius (Shame on you! but it's okay, as said earlier, it was hard to tell back then)
urghh... ur still here?
if you want me to leave forever, just say the words
But great minds think alike.
Please don't leave
I guess MrBurgerKing was not the happiest man. Or at least, he had bad days. Like when he created the thread ''The loneliest feeling in the world''
Yep, slow night, I've gone Burger hopping. It was a tough situation, because not many stores were open. I hate to be a prick and ask the stores to re-open because of my own selfish desires. In reality though, they were closing and getting ready to go home. Who am I to tell them to re-open? The lights were on inside in the back kitchen; manager counting his money, guys in the back cleaning dishes. I turned around and faced pitch blackness. It was the loneliest feeling of my life. Standing there in pitch dark outside of a closed burger king staring into oblivion. I wanted to come home and create this post, it was my comfort at the moment. Instead, I got in my car and drove to the 7-11. There, I bought Bugles and chatted with the cashier. I told him I looked forward to going on the internet when I got home. I told him I wanted a cheeseburger but settled for 7-11. He was actually on the phone, so he wasn't paying attention to a word I was saying. Walked outside and drove home. Not a car in the streets. Seemed like I was the only one awake, alive at that moment. Everyone preparing for the new week at hand. Longest day of the week Sunday is. Loneliest feeling in the world, I gotta tell ya.
But everybody knows trying to lose (or gain!) weight is pretty stressful and depressing.
I'm pretty much trying to lose weight these days, so I ask light on mayo. It's not absolutely essential (because god knows, I've had them without mayo and it's just as good.. more natural I guess). Call me crazy, but a whopper w/cheese and mayo, onion rings and a medium orange soda is like watching a PTA flick in theaters. Nowhere else you'd rather be at that moment. I'd love to combine the two but theater chains don't allow outside food. I need to let them know the importance of the situation.
A character just breaks the law, speeds, whatever, in order to get to a place they need to be most. Nothing can stop them, the cops might, but as soon as the cops understand the situation, they back off. It's time to tell my girlfriend how much I love her, even though she's in the middle of Tai Chi class. It's time to catch that airplane. It's time to watch a PTA flick while eating a whopper with cheese with light mayo, onion rings and a medium orange soda. Nothing can stop me.
Also, his job sucked.
On another note, I finally quit my slightly over minimum wage, crap, extra money job of mine (err... gave the two week notice.. I'm not going to say 'weeks' because that's the name of probably the worst movie ever, and I dare not mention it here). I've been dreading the moment all week. I've had this job for two years and am so used to the people there and co-workers. Anyway, it was really like The MatrixReloaded (when the TV screens showed hundreds of the possible Neo reactions). I had no idea how the manager would react. One TV screen showed her calling me an ungrateful bastard, another TV screen showed her celebrating. I also prepared what I would say if she asked me why I was quitting. I know it's unlikely, but I figured you might as well be prepared.
So, I went in and told her I'm giving two week notice that I'm quitting, and then she didn't respond. About a minute we stood facing each other, she was quiet. I didn't know what to say, so I explained why I was quitting. I told her I'm grateful for this job of mine because it makes me tolerate places that I normally hate (i.e. the doctor getting needles in my flesh). If I was burning in hell, I'd thank be happier than working in this 'job.' Before she could give me her response, I woke up.. I then became extremely depressed that quitting my job was still in front of me. It still is.
And his love life was meh.
Bah. Go back to your pizza and burgers, tasteless ones.
Don't dismiss burgers now, please.. I don't think you've ever gone to a Burger King and eaten a whopper with cheese and medium onion rings. Top that off with a medium (or large, although large has a lot of sugar) orange soda, and you're in heaven on earth. I appreciate that you made a thread on sushi, but take the burger bashing elsewhere please. I guess I shouldn't expect everyone to see what I see in burgers though.
I once took a girlfriend of mine to Burger King on a date. I told her we were going to a surprise restaurant; I even told her to close her eyes until we got there. So, I walked her inside and sat her down as I ordered for the both of us. I told her to open her eyes when I placed the whopper in front of her. The look on her face was one I never want to see again (pretend I'm saying this in the tone of that guy from Mulholland Drive). Let's just say I drove back home alone, and I got to eat two whoppers that day. Yep, I'm single.
I will not have sex with males in my lifetime. I ordered Onion Rings today at Burger King. I ordered it through the drive-through, and when I got home, there was french fries in the bag instead of onion rings. I said fine, I'll eat these fries, try them out. They were disgusting and I threw it away immediately. IMMEDIATELY. I just didn't care for it, I don't even know why I experimented. From this experience, I learned I will never experiment again. Stick with what works. I won't eat french fries from burger king (don't get me wrong, sometimes they're alright, but I prefer onion rings), I won't watch 1920 silent japanese films, I will not have sex with males.
I don't want them to stick a needle in my arm and take blood. Hey cecil, by the way, I don't find huge female breasts very attractive either. Just don't see it: they're french fries. I once dated a fat woman out of pity, and her "breasts" were huge. I told her once about my dream chicken sandwich with the perfect combo of lettuce and mayo. She wasn't paying attention to a word I said.. She tuned in just as I was talking about the "small but firm, tender chicken breast" I desired so much. I clearly said 'chicken' breast, but I guess that makes it even worst. Yep, I'm single.
Once, he got tired of his shtick...
I will not refer to Big Macs. I have vowed never to make another fast food comment again.
His next post, two hours later.
Or the feeling, the passionate feeling in my stomach after I've eaten a square cheeseburger from Wendys.
Actually, from then on, almost each and every one of his posts involved burgers.
Don't be so sensitive, Chris Kelvin.. When Wendys took away the Monteray Ranch Chicken Sandwich, I was upset. No, upset is the wrong word; I was heartbroken. Not only was I shocked, and offended at Mr. Thomas' decision, but I was depressed. I thought maybe I could go and start a picket line in front of Wendys, but I figured it's a waste. They'll probably bring back the Monteray Ranch sandwich one day, and when that day comes, I'll be waiting for it. I really miss that sandwich actually. These days I get the spicy chicken sandwich, which is great, but I really miss the days of that Monteray Ranch chicken sandwich with large peppered french fries, and a sprite. It puts a big smile on my face just thinking about it. The salad dressing on a chicken sandwich is really an innovation. Speaking of chicken sandwiches, does anyone here eat at Chick-Fil-A? They claim to have pioneered the chicken sandwich, but that's just a gimmick. Some farmer probably did it hundreds of years earlier. Still though, you gotta love Chick-Fil-A's french fries. I think their fries are their real innovation. They look like little mini-waffles, and they're so delicious. I don't buy chicken sandwiches from Chick-Fil-A, I usually get chicken nuggets and barbecue sauce (but I make it a habit to get their large fries). I actually haven't been there in months though. It's never been a priority, you know? I know that Chris Kelvin knows what I'm talking about.
He was also a bit like Stefen as he would lie ALL THE TIME.
Hey, lamas, I love you like a cousin, I don't want my words to be misunderstood. It's just annoying these days how everyones blaming everyone else, it's time we take responsibility for our actions!
Yes, I'm some slightly overweight prick who eats at fast food everyday. And yes, I'm proud of it. I'm damn proud of looking in the fridge, finding nothing, and going to Wendys to pick up a quick meal. Do you know why? Because I love it. I hate to quote Joel Schumacker movies, Batman Forever, and Val Kilmer, but I have to "I am not batman or bruce wayne because I have to be, but now, because I choose to be." Don't you understand the quote? Don't you understand the situation? It's his choice, to be batman. I want to enjoy life, and enjoy living NOW, but I also want delayed gratification. I also want to wait a while in the parking lot, or better yet, drive slowly to Burger King in anticipation of the food. Because physical pleasure comes and goes (believe me, I have sex with women occasionally, actually that's a huge lie, but it fits my point).
Actually, now that I think back on what I wrote in this post, I want to highlight it all and delete it. Not one word makes sense here. I've been out all night burger hopping with friends, and hopping burger joints with friends, and driving the town with friends. I'm no better than you are. You know what I did the other day? And this is the truth (hey, it's not as good as my other stories, but it shows what a prick and hypocrate I am)--- Some bimbo cut me off in line at Burger King, and lemme tell you, I never yell at people, but this was an 'angry day' if you will, and I yelled at her. So, she actually broke out into tears and I felt like a prick making her cry. Sure, it was her fault for cutting me, but I was careless, I shoudl have realized that she must have been very hungry. Actually, that story too is completely fabricated. I really wish my life was this exciting, but it's not. I lead a boring existence just like everyone else here. I live life through the cinema, where it always seems sweeter. I live life through cheeseburgers and fries. Just like you used to live life through cigarettes, and Jack Nicholson lives life through sex. And MacMuffin lives life through redirecting people's threads, but yeah, at the end of the day, I'm on the internet living life through you. You and I live through each other.
Damn he loved fast food.
And another thing, Lamas, I want to congratulate you for quitting the cigarette smoking. That's a great quality to have, quitting your addiction. God knows I've tried to quit going to fast food. I'm in the process actually. My doctor told me I need to quit eating unhealthy foods. You know what though? Okay, doctor, whatever you say.. Why don't you go home and quit sex while you're at it? Okay, doctor, I'll do that as soon as you tell me that Cecil B Demented needs to get rid of the passion in his eyes.
The best artist I know is the prick who works 9-5 at Burger King flipping hamburgers and putting together that whopper for me. For the best whopper is a work of a great artist. He is a middle aged asian immigrant who most likely sends the money he makes to his family back home so they can live better than all their peers. This artist did not visit any university to learn and understand the ins and outs of a whopper construction, but he went on instinct and guidance from his boss. From all the pseudo-whoppers he's tasted before in Asia. Now when I go to Burger King and eat his whoppers with cheese, I not only eat the whopper, but I digest this asian man's soul and passion.
But really, the best posts were when there was philosophical purpose.
Usually late at night while watching TV there might be a Wendys commercial on that reminds me that they're open late (so I can eat great at any time). I get excited, and the rebel inside wants to jump in the car and drive to Wendys. Usually this is at around 3 AM though, so my hours are too late for those pricks who work there. For that split second of excitement though, anything is a possibility.
On another note, every so often I try to pull all nighters. Couldn't tell you why but it seems like a great idea. I usually get up to 4-5 AM until the bed seems like a savior! Isn't that what it is though? It's a savior, providing boundaries between each day of our life. Why disrespect sleep, I ask, it's there to help not to destroy. Sleep doesn't support Nuclear War, sleep doesn't support child molestation, sleep doesn't support the all new big mac combo, sleep is there for us to forget about these things. As soon as I realize this, I jump in and give it the respect it deserves. Avoiding sleep is like avoiding an invitation to a party thrown by jesus christ of nazoroth.
Burger King would be the best restaurant if it were run by robots. The pricks that work there don't give a damn about the integrity of themselves and the product they sell. Not that robots would, but robots are passive and they get the job done. Every burger perfect, every french fry crisp and salted to perfection. They'd smile everytime you make an order, they wouldn't think a jerk of you if you eat your burger and are still hungry and want something else. They wouldn't spit on your chicken nuggets, they wouldn't preach religion to you. Sure the downside is they're not organic, and they'd take away the jobs from bums, but the goods outweigh the bads here!
His last months are filled with so much goodness, you should just check out his history because there's no point copying EACH and EVERY one of his last 100 posts. They are gold. Then it all ended suddenly, with this post.
i weighed 290 pounds when i was sixteen years old and now, at the ripe old age of 18, i weigh approximately 175.....the weird thing is after the initial shock and excitement of seeing urself get thinner, as you kind of ease in to no longer seeing urself as fat and get used to it, your mind starts to play tricks on ya....very evil, dirty, depressing tricks. very discouraging at times.
What a minute, what kind of tricks? And how can these tricks be prevented? Did the tricks cause you to gain back the 115 pounds (an achievement so amazing that it shouldn't be referred to since words can give no justice)? Is it like those crazy circus mirror-tricks (did you ever see the image that shows a huge fat ugly man looking in the mirror and seeing a stud, and a sexy woman looking in the mirror and seeing Aunty Em?)
perhaps this should be xixax: a site for reformed fat-ass
It was over. His last words were ''xixax: a site for reformed fat-ass'' ... if that doesn't warrant a marque, nothing does.