help ©brad and he'll be ur best friend for a day

[©brad]

class: ENGLISH 4800- Advanced creative writing
ASS: write a short story, based on some famous american folklore or any urban legend, and tell it in your own way.

i've chosen a familiar urban legend and written this short story. i need sum advice:

1. most english teachers will tell u not to switch tenses in a story- its best to choose one tense and stick w/ it. i've chosen to tell this in the present tense. however, a couple of times i switch to past out of necessity. well, i'm not sure exactly if it is indeed necessary, but it just sounds right. r these tense changes okay?

2. the ending- does it work? is it funny? is it stupid? do u have a better suggestion? i'm all ears!

3. the title- i suck at titles. i really do.

help me and i'll be ur best friend for a day! and what a day it will be!

"Getting Off"
   In order to pull this kind of thing off right, it is necessary to pick the right vehicle. Sports cars are out of the question, as are most sedans. Ray did find one particular model Subaru in which the entire back seat folded down, but it proved to be too time consuming, never mind the fact that the slightest creak or noise would result in a bust. Besides, finding one's way into the truck of a stranger's automobile is quite the conundrum. Ray tends to stick with minivans and station wagons, and most recently, SUVs. The SUV craze is a gold mine for Ray. The large cargo areas that are in most SUVs provide perfect hiding places. There aren't stuffy or claustrophobic like the ones in station wagons. There is plenty of room to stretch out and relax. Added to that, most of the SUVS have separate air conditioning controls in the rear, so when it gets too hot Ray can easily adjust the temperature at his convenience. Sometimes Ray gets really lucky and finds himself in the back of a soccer mom's SUV, full of groceries he can snack on before making his move.  
   When Ray first got into it he concentrated on the students of Middle Creek High School, which was conveniently a mere four blocks away from his apartment. The school being the big football school that it was, it was easy to find football players and cheerleaders on the school grounds late at night practicing. Ray was amazed to find that many of them didn't bother to even lock their cars. Ray would often sneak into the locker rooms and grab several sets of car keys. That way, when they did lock their cars Ray could easily unlock them himself and return the keys. Gender was irrelevant. In fact, Ray prefers males over females, both sexually and for the simple fact that girls tend to scream more- that high-pitched squeal that is no good for Ray and his chronic migraines. Guys put up more of a fight. It's a challenge for Ray, a workout.
   It is two days after his 33th birthday when Ray decides to get out of the high school student game and to aim for something a little older. The problem with students, as Ray has learned, is that they are still under the protective eye of their parents. As one could expect, parents go ape shit when their only son hasn't come home in two weeks. They call the police, the FBI, the missing male high school student bureau, the newspapers, the radio, the television, the mayor; point being, they raise a shit storm that increases the chances of Ray getting caught. Because of this, Ray decides to target an older demographic, people in their late 20s and early 30s, who were a good distance away from his home town. It was stupid to target a high school a couple of blocks down the road from his place. He doesn't know why it took him so long to realize that, but nevertheless, he finds that highway rest areas and gas stations are the best pick up points. His weapon of choice is an 11 inch butterfly knife. His first move is usually a strike to the victim's kidney. He doesn't want a quick death. He needs his time. He's got to get them to the place. From there he plays jazz. It really depends on his mood. Sometimes he just likes to watch them bleed. Other times he likes to get a little more intimate, usually anally. He doesn't keep count of how many he's had. Maybe thirty. Maybe more.    

   Glenn hates these bi-monthly visits to Clarissa's mom's house more than anything in the world. Even if he does get the chance to screw Clarissa's younger, bigger-breasted sister Sarah behind the tool shed in the backyard, as he had done on this visit, it still isn't worth it. It is the longest day of the month for Gary. The dinner itself lasts two hours, and the food is mediocre at best. (Usually beef stroganoff or what Clarissa's mom likes to call potluck casseroles, called so because you never know what the hell is in them) After dinner Glenn is required to smoke a cheap cigar with Clarissa's father over a game of backgammon while Clarissa and Sarah pick yellow daffodils out of the flower garden to take home with them. Two things keep Glenn sane during these visits: one being a flask filled with Maker's Mark that Glenn keeps in his front pocket for easy access, the other is Clarissa's agreement to give Glenn road head on the ride home. It's an act of gratitude. Fellatio certainly isn't Clarissa's favorite thing to do, but she knows that it is the only way she can get Glenn up to her parent's place every two weeks. Clarissa finds it amusing to see how excited and perked up Glenn gets just as they are about to leave. He knows what is coming. She can feel his growing erection even before they get inside the car to leave.

   Glenn is frustrated that they had gotten on the road so late. Even with Clarissa's head in his lap, he finds it difficult to relax. He hates making the drive in the dark. Clarissa's parents live in one of three houses that populate their deserted street; a street so dilapidated it doesn't even have a name. The windy road that leads back to civilization is a hazardous one, especially when driving in the dark after drinking six whiskey sours and half a bottle of Cabernet.
   Ray lies in the back cargo area of Clarissa's Toyota 4Runner, a wedding present from Glenn's parents. He wraps himself in a wool blanket he finds in the back seat, for Glenn has set the air conditioning at an unusually high level, especially for what has turned out to be such an unusually cold evening. There are no separate air conditioning controls in the back that Ray can find. He peaks through the crack between the two back seats, watching Clarissa's head bob up and down. He curses himself for forgetting to bring his tape recorder.
   "That's it. Thirty minutes, I'm done," Clarissa says, lifting up her head and wiping her lips with a tissue.
   "What are you talking about?" Glenn asks, reaching his hand over to her neck in an attempt to pull her back down on him.
   "Look, I'm getting a fucking canker sore. Thirty minutes is the limit. Jesus, I'm gonna get lock jaw."
   "You can't just leave me here like this."
   "I need a break, Glenn."
   "I'm almost there, just another couple of minutes. Come on."
   Clarissa lets out a frustrated sigh before putting her head back down on Glenn's lap. Ray continues to watch from the backseat, his eyes glued on Glenn's erect member.
   "Ow, ow, you're chewing, you're chewing-"
   "Alright, that's it. No more. Here," Clarissa says as she reaches her left hand over and starts to masturbate Glenn, purposely doing it extremely fast.
   "Ow, take it easy! What're you trying to rip it off?" Glenn asks, pulling her hand away. "Forget it, I can do it myself." Glenn begins to masturbate himself as Clarissa pulls a vanity mirror out of her purse, reapplying her lipstick.
   "Why don't you pull over and let me drive? That way you can get in the back and try to give yourself head. See if that works."
   "Trust me, if I could give myself head I would never leave the house."
   Glenn breathing escalates as he continues to masturbate. Clarissa flips through stations on the radio before finding "Moondance" by Van Morrision. Just then her cell phone rings. She reaches into her purse and pulls it out.
   "Hello?... Hey Wendy, how are you? ... Good, good, oh nothing just on our way home... yes...Oh I know, I can't stand her either... oh yes, well its like I told Lisa, she had it coming... oh really? That sounds great...hold on I'll ask- do you want to play golf with Wendy and Steven next Thursday?"
   "Can't... Have... board... meeting," Glenn says, increasing his stroke rate.
   "Glenn doesn't know if he can next Thursday, but how bout you give me a call tomorrow and we'll figure something out...maybe Friday... Okay... great... talk to you soon, bye bye." Clarissa hangs up the cell phone. "Bitch. I'm not playing golf with her."
   "Why...not?".
   "Because, she told Kathy Linendale I had an ugly back stroke. She's a busybody, two-faced cunt. She was just mad because I beat her by eight strokes last time."  
   "Here...quick... give me a cup or something." Glenn moans as he starts to breathe really deep.
   "I don't have a cup."
   "Well a towel, a napkin... some tissues or something... quick!"
   Clarissa flips open the glove compartment, unable to find any tissues or napkins.
   "There's nothing in here."
   "Well you better get something quick, unless you want cum all over your dashboard!"
   Clarissa takes off her seat belt and crawls into the backseat. Ray quickly hides underneath the blanket as Clarissa feels around the back, unable to find anything.
   "I can't see anything back here. Can you turn on the overhead light?"
   "I don't have a free hand! Hurry!"
   Clarissa reaches into the cargo area and pulls the Tennessee Titan's hat off of Ray's head. She throws the hat in Glenn's lap before returning to her seat.
   "Don't get any on the leather."
   "Hold the wheel," Glenn says. Ray peaks his head out of the blanket to watch Glenn ejaculate into his hat.  
   "Feel better?"
   Glenn wipes himself clean with the bill of the hat before handing it to Clarissa.
   "Eww, don't give that thing to me? What the hell am I suppose to do with it?"
   "Throw it out, I dunno. Who's hat is it?"
   "I don't know. Maybe it's dad's."
   "I hate the fucking Titans."
   "Well, what am I suppose to do with it?"
   "Throw it out the window."
   "No, that's littering."
   "Well then wear it Clarissa. Put it on your head, I don't give a shit."
   Clarissa folds the bill inside the hat, thus keeping any possible leakage of semen to a minimum, before throwing it back into the cargo area. It lands right beside Ray's head. He quickly takes it and stuffs it in his pocket.
   Van Morrison ends. Clarissa flips through the stations again, unable to find one without static. Glenn gets annoyed and turns off the radio. Clarissa turns it back on.
   "Stop," Glenn says, turning it off again.
   Clarissa looks annoyed. She opens the sunroof and sticks her hands out. Glenn pulls her hands down and closes it. She then opens her window and sticks her feet out. Glenn reaches over and pulls her legs down.
   "Stop it. I mean it."
   "What am I doing?"
   "You know what you're doing."
   "I'm just trying to relax. Mind your own business. Just drive."
   "I'll drive all right. I'll drive this car right off a fucking cliff if you don't stop."
   Clarissa digs through her purse and pulls out a box of altoids. In the box there are three pre-rolled joints. Clarissa takes one out and puts the box back in her purse.
   "You got a lighter?"
   "Don't smoke that now."
   "Why not?"
   "Because... I'll fall asleep."
   Clarissa ignores him and presses in the car cigarette lighter. Ray decides that this may be the opportune moment to make his move. He pulls out his butterfly knife and slowly pulls off the wool blanket.  
   "You know what I think we should do?" Clarissa asks, lighting the joint.
   "What?"
   "Take a trip somewhere. To Europe."
   "We've been to Europe."
   "So? We can go again."
   "I can't. I can't take off work."
   "I'm not talking about tomorrow Glenn. I'm just saying, I think we should go."
   "Well that's duly noted. Thank you Clarissa, I'll look into it."
   "You're such a dick. Why don't you ever take me seriously?"
   "Please, I don't want to do this now. Do me a favor: get stoned and just pass out."
   "You're a fucking asshole."
   "Watch you're mouth. We're never having kids if you talk like that."
   "Fuck you."
   Ray begins to inch his way upward above the back seat.
   "You have a nasty fucking mouth on you, you really do. I would've thought you're mother would've taught you better. Women shouldn't talk like that."
   "Fuck fuck fuck fuck you."
   "Clarissa, I'm warning you. Just smoke that joint and shut the fuck up."
   "You can't tell me what to do. This is my car."
   "My parents bought you this car."
   "So? What the hell does that mean?"
   "It means shut the fuck up."
   Ray is just about to swing his left leg over the back seat when all of a sudden a car behind them pulls up really close, frantically flashing its lights and honking its horn. Ray immediately returns to the back and hides underneath the blanket.
   "What the fuck?" Glenn asks, looking in his rear view mirror. The lights continue to flash. "What the hell does he want?"
   "He's pissed because you're driving too fucking slow. Let him pass," Clarissa said, unmoved by the car honking as she continues to smoke her joint.
   "I'm not driving too slow you moron. I'm doing 75 in a 55. What the hell does he want?"
   "Just let him pass!"
   "It might be a cop. I told you not to smoke that joint."
   "It's not a cop! You can be such a wimp sometimes, you really can."
   The car behind them speeds up and swerves alongside them, honking furiously.
   "You see, I told you it wasn't a cop."
   "What the hell is this guy doing?"
   Ray keeps his knife in hand, continuing to hide underneath the blanket. The man in the other car rolls down his passenger side window and starts to yell at them. Glenn rolls down his window, but is unable to hear him.
   "What do you want?!" yells Glenn.
   The man continues to scream, but Glenn still cannot hear him. Clarissa still continues to smoke her joint.
   "I think he's trying to tell us something," Glenn says.
   "Please, he's a crackhead. Get off on this next exit. Take the back road."
   "We're on the back road."
   "Well take another back road. Get away from this lunatic."
   The man continues to yell, honking his horn. Glenn sticks his head out of his window.
   "I can't hear you!"
   "Fuck off!" screams Clarissa, giving him the finger.
   The man gives her the finger back and speeds off in front of them.
   "What the hell did you do that for?
   "The man was insane. Anyone could see that!"
   "He was trying to tell us something. Maybe we have a flat tire."
   "Please. He's pissed because you drive so fucking slow."
   "Oh blow me. You don't know what you're talking about."
   "Just don't talk to me, okay? Can you do me that favor? Just drive the fucking car and leave me the hell alone. Please."
   "I'll drive this car into a tree and end this whole thing right now, how about that?"
   "You're such a wimp sometimes. It amazes me. You're not a man. I don't know what you are. You don't act like a man."
   "Yeah, and you don't give good head. Who cares?"
   "Pull over. Pull this fucking car over now. I'm sick of your shit, you disgusting piece of-"
   "Enough!" Ray yells, jumping up from the back.
   Clarissa starts to scream.
   "Who the hell are you?!" Glenn shouts.
   "How the fuck did you get in here?!" screams Clarissa.
   "Never mind that. Pull over. Pull this car over and let me out!"
   Glenn slams on the brakes. The car slides off the road and finally comes to a stop, barely missing a tall oak tree.
   "You people! What kind of people are you? How can you act like this?"
   "What the fuck are you talking about? What are you doing in our car?" Glenn asks.
   "I've been doing this for a long time now, and never have I been more appalled by the behavior of two people. How can you act like this? You're married! You can't live your life like this. You disgust me! You really do! You're miserable, miserable people. You make the world miserable. You're making me miserable. I should kill both of you right now. I'd be doing a great service for society. They'd give me the Medal of Honor for gutting you two with this knife and leaving you here on the highway, for the rats. No, not the rats. The rats wouldn't even want you. You're too miserable even for the rats."
   Ray climbs over to the back seat and gets out the side door, slamming it shut. Clarissa jumps, joint still in hand.
   "I'm getting out now. I'm leaving you two for good. My advice to you: get some fucking help, quick."
   Glenn and Clarissa sit still, frozen, as they watch Ray disappear down the dark road, shaking his head.

[The Perineum Falcon]

Good. I enjoyed it. The build up was very well done, but for some reason the ending left me a bit....meh. Can't quite explain why. I mean, I see what you're going for, it's obvious, but it just didn't click with me. It kinda seemed tacked on.
Could just be me.
However, the bickering between the two made me kind of sad. I felt sorry for Clarissa.

I have an alternate ending for it, sort of. How about the bickering starts before the giving of the head, just to show what their relationship is like (which is what you've already done). Then Clarissa goes down, Glenn is giving back up vocals, whilst Ray man-handles himself. Suddenly, ejaculate squirts on Glenn's face, the windshield, something. Here they discover Ray and here Ray makes his escape (or does them in).
*shrug*

[Ghostboy]

The only incongruity in the tenses that I noticed is in the sentence about Glenn fucking Sarah...it should read 'as he HAS done,' rather than had.

I think it would be better if you have the car driving behind them and flashing its lights intermittently the entire time. Like maybe the first time it happens is during the blowjob, and it startles Clarissa and she bites him. That could be funny. It should just keep going the whole way through, making both Clarissa and Glenn increasingly annoyed and bitchy.

[coffeebeetle]

She should definitely be blowing him when the car honks behind them.  Biting him would be hilarious.  Also, they should argue before the oral.  Definitely.  I liked the suggestions.  But maybe I'm missing something: Why is Ray in the backseat to begin with?

[©brad]

u guys rock.

yes, i agree w/ everything y'all have suggested. i think the flashing lights and honking of the horn should start earlier, and gb, that would be hysterical if she bit him! so should i have the flashing start right away?  

She should definitely be blowing him when the car honks behind them.  Biting him would be hilarious.  Also, they should argue before the oral.  Definitely.  I liked the suggestions.  But maybe I'm missing something: Why is Ray in the backseat to begin with?

i took the urban legend (that was in the movie Urban Legends, btw) in which the girl is driving and a car speeds up behind her and starts flashing its lights. the girl speeds off, afraid that the car behind her is coming to attack her when in fact there is someone in her backseat about to kill her, and the car behind her was just warning her. ray is a serial killer.

thanks y'all. u've always been my favorite three members. u know that, right?

[The Perineum Falcon]

So I have a new best friend?